Live porn webcam - WWYD?

[flippingstupidnickname]

Hi all,
My husband is loving and kind. We've had our problems in the past but have been getting on really well recently however, we've not had sex for a few months due to late pregnancy followed by a c-section. A couple of weeks ago we resumed our love life but the other day I discovered a live sex webcam window open on his laptop.. I really don't know what to think or how to react. On one hand I don't blame him since our sex life has been non existant and I've always been quite relaxed about porn use. On the other hand I feel quite sick and cheated. It feels disgusting to think he's been doing this while our kids sleep upstairs. Of course, there's always the possibility that it was an unwanted pop up window that he hasn't actually used... Not sure there'd be anything to gain by talking to him because he would just deny it and we'd end up arguing but I need to do something as it's completely stopped me from wanting to have sex with him even thou we've only just got that part of our relationship back on track... help!

I'm particularly interested to know whether you class a live webcam as standard porn usage or does it cross the line somehow? If so, in what way...?

Hi flipping, you ask WWYD.

I'd go ape shit tbh. Under no circumstances would a live web cam be ok (or any porn IMO)

Have you looked in the history? If he downloads games quite a few of those sites have pop ups but I've never come across one that opens an actual webcam window.

I'm really sorry this has happened

I can understand that you don't want to row with him but I think this will eat away at you if you don't discuss it with him.

Big hugs as I would be so upset in your situation.

Also wanted to say, don't take on the responsibility for his behaviour because you haven't been having sex together. You haven't been having a sex life either and you haven't taken to live webcam sex.

"I don't blame him since our sex life has been non existant"

Your first step is to start blaming him.

It could be a pop up, but then to get that sort of pop up he would have had to be visiting 'unsavoury' sites anyway. Perhaps you should ask him.

Same sort of thing with dp when pregnant with dd and just after emergency cs pay per view films. We had a massive row which resulted in him staying with a family member and when he came home all my confidence was gone so i cant really say what i would do i dont even know what i'd do if i could go back and change it probably nothing because i suppose dp needed to know it hurt me so he could put things right. Im still not very confident now over 4 years later so it really effected me and im not sure why i just remember feeling betrayed that when i was heavily pregnant uncomfortable and then in pain from a cs he was thinking of himself and it makes me feel bitter towards him yo think about it

I would check the history on the computer, it should give an idea of whether it was a one off.

Yes, he has been visiting porn sites, I checked the browser history. The visit was just a day or two after we resumed sexual relations which stings a little. The site he visited is predominantly for free porn but it also has a webcam section which was the window which was open. Not sure if this sort of thing might open as an unwanted pop up or whether it is proof of usage. Rather than feeling hurt I feel more disgusted and violated. A bit like our home has been violated as the recipient obviously would have been able to see the inside of our home IYSWIM.
I'm just trying to reconcile with myself as to how this is any different from any oth form of porn usage. It feels worse but I'm not sure why and I'm not sure if this is oversteping the mark.
The worst part is that I feel sick whenever he touches me now and sleeping with him is the last thing I feel like doing right now. Such a shame when every other aspect of our relationship is better than it has ever been

It's difficult.

For now I think I'd try to have a serious conversation with him and tell him how it makes me feel.

If he lies about it, if he dismisses your concerns, or if he continues in spite if this, then you are right to feel upset.

I would consider live webcam as a form of cheating - no wonder you feel disgusted and violated.

Madabouthotchoc- I think I do too but I'm not sure why it's different from 'standard porn' which I genuinely have no issue with. Are you able to quantify why it's different so i can be clear in my mind?

I have a problem with porn, I found DP had used some sites just after I had DS1 and we nearly split up over it.

In my view, live webcams are cheating, because it involves interaction with the other person, viewing porn, as much as I hate it, is anonymous.

TBH it would be a deal breaker for me.

well, i'm fine with porn, no issues however live webcam crosses a line same as chat lines no way i'd stand for either. A hard conversation would need to happen I think if it was me, try not to accuse, blame or take responsibility, it's very hard.

flip - its different as normal porn is fantasy - it's there for everyone to view who chooses online, webcams/chat are specific to the person watching, it is for me cheating as it's been specifically saught after for a purpose,

if that makes sense?

With a live webcam it's the interaction that defines it as cheating in my opinion. The webcam can be viewed only one way though, so the person on the other end needn't have been able to see into your home.

Just looking at standard uploaded porn films online isn't an issue for me, if our sex lives are good and we're both satisfied. It's anonymous, there is no interaction with another person and that's the defining element I think.

You need to explain to him how this has made you feel, and have an honest chat about what your boundaries are. If this has never come up before and you've always been fine with porn use, then he could just not see the problem. Until you make him aware that it is a problem for you.

Yes, its the interaction that makes it different from standard porn - there are some websites that offers two ways live sessions.

I would seriously consider a chat about his porn use as I am sure this is what led to the live webcam sessions - using porn often desensitise one's normal sexual reactions and in order to get a bigger hit, the user moves onto hard core porn, webcams and dating sites etc.

The majority of the free porn streaming sites immediately open another browser to a live webcam site. To actually do anything he'd have had to part with cash.

As you have a relaxed attitude to porn you could tell him you've seen his history but would regard a webcam as crossing a line, and for that reason he needs to show you all bank, credit card, etc. bills so you know he hasn't been there.

I'd go nuts! And I would have gone nuts at HIM there and then.

For me porn is fine so long as iys alongside our sex life not instead of.

Web cam is interaction with real woman and therefore cheating

As others above have said, that webcam site is very likely to have been a pop-up which was opened in the background without your DH's knowledge. He most likely forgot to close it when he had finished his (browsing) session. If you have no problem with non-interactive porn use, then I really wouldn't worry about this.

I'd leave my guy over mere porn.
Life is too wonderful in the flesh to be lusting after a screen.
I have zero respect for users of porn.

And I'd certainly leave my guy over a live web cam.

So many men are so pathetic.
But there seem to be plenty of women who don't mind.

MadaboutHotChoc is absolutely right about this being the typical trajectory of someone who uses porn, so in your position I would question your own attitudes about porn being benign.

It is not.

It's so depressing to see yet another woman taking the blame for her partner's behaviour. As you've discovered, it wouldn't matter if your sex life was active, your partner would still use porn. People with a porn habit don't need the excuse of an impoverished sex life because it actually has no relevance to why they do it, but they know that if they throw that accusation into the pot, a woman will be only too glad to take the 'blame'.

What would I do? I would state that this is unacceptable to me and find out the real reasons he uses porn and sex webcams. I would have an expectation that he would be honest about the choices he will make - be in a relationship with me OR use porn and sex sites. And I'd follow through on that choice, if I found out that he wasn't prepared to choose the relationship, or pretended that he had and carried on in secret.

I've gone on to the website and had a good look around. It's called redtube. Maybe you could have a look and offer your opinions. It seems to be predominantly a webcam site although they do provide videos too. When I selected a video a pop up appeared advertising a dating site but not an actual webcam interface as I discovered the other day. Yes, I am now beginning to question my attitude to porn...

What do you mean 'webcam'? Like, as in, amateur vids done on a home webcam, or interactive live webcams?

Both

The interface I found said 'live webcam' so I'm assuming the latter in that instance