Live porn webcam - WWYD?

[flippingstupidnickname]

Hi all,
My husband is loving and kind. We've had our problems in the past but have been getting on really well recently however, we've not had sex for a few months due to late pregnancy followed by a c-section. A couple of weeks ago we resumed our love life but the other day I discovered a live sex webcam window open on his laptop.. I really don't know what to think or how to react. On one hand I don't blame him since our sex life has been non existant and I've always been quite relaxed about porn use. On the other hand I feel quite sick and cheated. It feels disgusting to think he's been doing this while our kids sleep upstairs. Of course, there's always the possibility that it was an unwanted pop up window that he hasn't actually used... Not sure there'd be anything to gain by talking to him because he would just deny it and we'd end up arguing but I need to do something as it's completely stopped me from wanting to have sex with him even thou we've only just got that part of our relationship back on track... help!

I seems very clear to me that a lot of women who say they have no problem with their partner's porn use, have absolutely no idea what is out there on mainstream sites like the one mentioned.
I'd say , chances are that the live window is a random pop up from that site or another sharing-hub type site - In this instance I would demand answers from him, ask for email access and check statements for any suspect memberships, make it very clear that this has not helped your sex life one little bit!

Did the webcam site have a name flipping? Was it "live Jas" by any chance - that one is defintely a random pop up, I've had it appear on other adult (non porn) sites, even with a pop up blocker and good internet security.

It's called redtube and he definitely visited, I just don't know exactly what he viewed/did...

Sorry, I meant the name of the live window. R-tube is just a sharing hub with millions of videos available, the window would either be a pop-up or something he clicked on, live interactive sites generally have to be subscribed to.

The live webcam window was also redtube...does that mean he had to click on it?

flipping - yes, I know the feeling about having to question one's attitude to porn, it is very damaging and almost led to the break up of our marriage as it led to infidelity

Porn use is now a dealbreaker for me and my DH is fully aware and accepting of this.

I found the best way to get my DH to stop using porn is getting him to do some research and reading re the realities of the porn industry.

Redtube is a website that generally features softcore porn and that which appeals to men as well as women. Porn is not all evil toxic stuff which only vile rapist men watch, nor is it capable of turning a nice man into a vile rapist.

If your partner doesn't know that you have a strong objection to porn or types of porn, or that you have developed one, then you need to discuss it with him.
But you also need to remember that your partner's feelings and thoughts and wishes are as valid as yours: you are not automatically right any more than he is automatically wrong.

So if he wishes to internet shag some woman over a webcam that's meant to be valid?!

And surely some things in life are a given that doesn't need discussion - for example infidelity or illegal porn (not that any of it is illegal in this case).

My guess is that he's been onto Redtube to view some porn and have a quick hand shuffle and failed to notice the live webcam pop up.

So I guess it boils down to how you feel about your man having a cheeky wank without you around. Are you still disgusted by him watching a video and having a wank?

Personally I think it's unrealistic to expect a man will never watch porn and/or have a wank.

If he doesn't see it as infidelity, you need to discuss with him why it bothers you so much. People have different boundaries WRT to what is and is not infidelity and his viewpoint may be that because there is no direct contact between him and a webporn performer it is no more 'real' than watching a video or indeed playing a computer game. He may not have known, previously, that you would find this a step too far. So when you discuss it with him, don't start from the viewpoint that he's a selfish pig; he may have thought that having a quick wank was more considerate than suggesting sex to you when you have a newborn and are still recovering from the birth.

I dont think wanking is the issue here - its the live webcam sex that she is upset about.

Exactly madabouthotchoc. I don't think he's a selfish pig fwiw

It's not unrealistic at all, it would be a basic requirement in my and many other women's relationships ( the porn use, not the wanking) .

So it was actually a video he watched, not interacting with a girl via webcam. That's waay different.

That would be a complete no issue for mE. Its basically watching a blue movie. It seems lots object to this.

I have no issue with my dp watching porn. We occasionally watch it together and I guess even less occasionally he may look at it alone. Its just another (small ) part of our sex life.watching films of other people can be exciting for women Too!

For it to be leaving material for me it would have to be him using porn instead of our sex life, interactive stuff or cheating.

Watching video clips of an anoymous woman is not cheating

I think what is worth mentioning here. Is red t. Is prolific for pop ups. In fact as soon as you start to watch a video. A web camming pop up comes up. Which is easily left on screen as you don't even notice it.

Which looks like what has happened here. I would say he hasn't been camming at all. Missed the pop up and never closed it. Rather than has been camming and left it open to get caught.

Mali, and that's fine. You have every right to find a man who meets your basic requirements.

Personally as long as the subject material was performed by actors who are not coerced I don't have an issue over it.

And many women also don't have a problem with porn. My last partner and my current one are both quite happy to watch porn.

Niceguy - how do you know if the actors are not being coerced?

Go to internet history...it's very simple.

How do you know they are?

Posters should stop trying to impose their own moral views on "standard" porn onto the OP. She's already said that she's fine with it.

This issue is whether her DH has been using webcams. As many have said, it very likely that he hasn't.

niceguy - from doing some research and reading about the porn industry. There are already several threads about this on here with useful links so I will leave it to you to do your own research

flippin - this is about how you feel, not about how many other posters would react.
Your DH knew you were, as you say, relaxed about porn.
This new manifestation of porn has made you NOT relaxed - and through this thread you have now worked out why - the interaction.
Talk to him - tell him how the webcam stuff makes you feel. This may well come as news to him, he's used to your 'relaxed' approach - my advice would be to explain to him how it feels to you, rather that to accuse him. He may well be upset that he has crossed over into something that you don't like. Tell him everything you have told us, that it has affected how you feel about sex, and about just getting your own relationship with sex back to something more usual.
Ask him about his own reactions to it. If he is sensitive to you feelings he will understand that the interaction is upsetting to you.
Give him the chance to speak for himself now, rather than us lot pitching in!

Niceguy, Some women go into prostitution to feed their drug habit, many women in the porn industry are feeding their drug habit. Some are obviously coerced , what woman would choose to gag! what woman would choose to have 2 in 1? please, you porn apologists are little better than the men that get rich from this exploitation.

OP, talk to your DH, tell him how this has made you feel, if he respects you he will listen, if he is a habitual user be prepared for him to lie. You won't deal with it though by saying nothing.

Every time you visit red tube, the live web cam thing pops up in a seperate window (unasked for). He wouldn't have clicked on it or anything.