Live porn webcam - WWYD?

[flippingstupidnickname]

Hi all,
My husband is loving and kind. We've had our problems in the past but have been getting on really well recently however, we've not had sex for a few months due to late pregnancy followed by a c-section. A couple of weeks ago we resumed our love life but the other day I discovered a live sex webcam window open on his laptop.. I really don't know what to think or how to react. On one hand I don't blame him since our sex life has been non existant and I've always been quite relaxed about porn use. On the other hand I feel quite sick and cheated. It feels disgusting to think he's been doing this while our kids sleep upstairs. Of course, there's always the possibility that it was an unwanted pop up window that he hasn't actually used... Not sure there'd be anything to gain by talking to him because he would just deny it and we'd end up arguing but I need to do something as it's completely stopped me from wanting to have sex with him even thou we've only just got that part of our relationship back on track... help!

Can't help thinking people that are 'okay' with porn tread a very precarious line. Okay with what? Exploitative free porn where everyone loves sex?

Porn, like any vice, can be addictive where the 'high' gets more and more extreme.

But I've been on the website three or four times to check and nver once got the live web cam pop up...

flipping.... Can't you search your history? and/or cookies?

I've searched history and the only thing that comes up is the homepage of this site. I know for a fact that even an unsolicited pop up would appear in history and the window in question did not. Therefor I know for a fact that dh has been deleting his history and the homepage history was obviously an oversight. My dh works in IT and is completely capable of covering ALL his tracks...

Bay..... "I'd leave my guy over mere porn."

Oh Bay, you really should give it a rest. You didn't leave your guy for the mere "shagging of the skanky ho" because he made amends. But of course without a shadow of doubt you would not have relented had it been mere porn.

Lucky for him he chose the skanky ho option. Or maybe not.

Some of these posts describing how people have been made to feel when their partners use porn are the very clux of why its wrong.
Op can i also second the person to say that it isnt actually your fault if he has been using it.There are many reasons for sex droughts in a marriage during which everyone doesnt become depraved porn users.

I don't think these are pop-ups.

If you know he deletes history, presumably so that you can't find it, this suggests you don't trust him and that he would know that this was behaviour so unacceptable that he'd have to hide it from you.

Unless you've specifically agreed other rules, the default in a monogamous relationship is that one of you won't have secret sexual interactions with another, so I'd reject any notion that he was doing this because he didn't know you'd object.

I think you're going to have to confront him and if your attitudes to using porn have changed, tell him. Lots of couples are much happier without porn in their lives and find that their intimacy is much greater than in couples where one uses porn and the other turns a blind eye to it, feels a societal pressure to be 'cool' with it, or uses it herself because she is too selfish to worry about how it is produced.

No-one needs to use porn and you don't need to be cool about it.

The various operating systems respond differently to pop-ups.

The various we browsers respond differently to pop-ups.

Don't think everybody use the same system as you do and experiences the same behaviour. I am not saying this boy isn't guilty, but what i see written here about the forensic approaches of the suspicious - red herrings are breeding at a pace.

I'm not convinced that all porn stars or sex workers are somehow victims or abuse, coerced trafficked etc. Plenty do it quite willingly. Whether its such a fantastic job as many make out is questionable though. I suspect it is really only a small minority of women(and men for that matter) who really enjoy shagging random strangers. Most I guess, are in it for the cash.

Those who argue that porn is wrong are no more right than those who are happy to view it. I just hate the whole porn industry is full of abused women is tripe.

Those of us in healthy relationships who watch porn occasionally just see it for what it (mainly) is- 2 consenting adults shagging.

Yogii that was really bang out of order you know. Pretty low bringing up someones problems and throwing them back in her face. Shame on you.

OP, I'm just not sure if you DH has been viewing live sex via webcam. There are many insidious pop ups which look like the real thing. I would imagine that Live sex would be on a pay per view or subscription. Perhaps check bank/credit card statements?

Quite a few posters have said go and check browsing history. Not necessarily that simple. Porn users who want to hid their usage often piggy back on mirrors (hosts) so that dodgy urls don show. Also, deleting history, cookies, temp int files etc. (therefore an absence of history can be revealing).

You have to decide what you are comfortable with and/or work out if it's light usage or a sign of something more serious.

I think the deleting of history is a massive red flag - what is he trying to hide? He must be doing something you would be unhappy about.

Op - just visiting the home page won't trigger the pop up. You will have to click through and watch a clip. Or so I've been told...

I don't really want to get into the rights and wrongs of porn, I'm more i terested to know whether or not dh has been using live webcams. Like I say, I've been on the site several times using his computer and never had a webcam pop up. Alos, when typing the web address into the menu bar it shows that he's been viewing far more videos than are showing in the history. I would ask to see bank statements etc but I suspect that he has accounts (including e-mail) that I don't know about. Not for any bad reason, he's just a bit of an e-mail whore and has numerous accounts! Fwiw I think he deletes history more out of embarrassment than anything else... sorry for typos, trying to breastfeed as I type!

I did click on videos and still no pop up...

The only way to deal with this is to ask him, do you trust him to tell you the truth?

I've clicked on it loads and had loads of pop ups, i guess there is a random generator

they're mostly not real webcams either they are just ads with embedded videos in

I don't know what to expect. The DH i know wouldn't use live webcams but I know from bitter experience that half the hurt of infidelity stems from realising you didn't actually know someone as well as you thought you did. Not his infidelity I might add.

My point being that i don't know whether to trust him. The DH I know is trustworthy but I'm questioning if I perhaps know him as wel as I think.

And yes, I have seen the pop ups but none of them have been webcam interfaces...

Sorry, only you know if you can trust him - what are your instincts telling you?

Have you asked him why he has been deleting his internet history? Is he transparent and open i.e does not mind if you look at his phone/laptop? Have you checked credit card/bank statements?

I think my instincts are telling me it's just an unwanted pop up and he's been hiding his history out of embarrassment. He's never been secretive about his phone, laptop or anything. I love him, he's a great person and we've been getting on fantastically. I just get scared in case I discover that I really don't know him at all. And I have to admit that I can't seem to recreate the 'live webcam' pop up. I also stumbled accross several websites for hotels in cumbria in his history which worried me but I really don't think he's having an affair. I hate how this discovery is making me question everything.

You never know anyone as well as you think.

Yogi
One of the reasons I forgave him was because one of his many other good qualities was because he isn't a porn user, and his other many, many qualities far outweigh any one night stand of bad judgement.
He's still, in my eyes, a hundred times better a man, than most men on the street, even after this one digression.
Ergo, the relationship was worth saving, and he was worth forgiving.
Now get off your high horse about this one digression, this one mistake that my guy made, and then learned from, and has become a better person for.

Given your feelings of disgust and mistrust, I think you need to talk to him about what you've found.

It would be such a shame when you've been getting on well and having sex again to have that soured by the way you're feeling now.

Hmm, Cumbria. That sounds a bit fishy. But if it was fishy, and he's like you say he is - good at covering his tracks - surely he wouldn't have left that info there. Maybe he's planning on taking you away somewhere?
;)