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Original poster

Live porn webcam - WWYD?

112 replies

flippingstupidnickname · 15/02/2012 07:13

Hi all,
My husband is loving and kind. We've had our problems in the past but have been getting on really well recently however, we've not had sex for a few months due to late pregnancy followed by a c-section. A couple of weeks ago we resumed our love life but the other day I discovered a live sex webcam window open on his laptop.. I really don't know what to think or how to react. On one hand I don't blame him since our sex life has been non existant and I've always been quite relaxed about porn use. On the other hand I feel quite sick and cheated. It feels disgusting to think he's been doing this while our kids sleep upstairs. Of course, there's always the possibility that it was an unwanted pop up window that he hasn't actually used... Not sure there'd be anything to gain by talking to him because he would just deny it and we'd end up arguing but I need to do something as it's completely stopped me from wanting to have sex with him even thou we've only just got that part of our relationship back on track... help!

OP posts:
smilesy · 15/02/2012 20:33

Flipping you need to talk to him. This guessing and second guessing is doing you no good at all. You are going to work yourself up into a right state for what may be nothing at all. It is the worst form of self sabotage. You cannot form an opinion on what he has or has not been doing without finding out what his explanation is. You say he is a good man and you love him etc but are scared you might not really know him?? Stop going round in circles and sort this out!

Yogii · 15/02/2012 20:58

Bay.... so try to look forward to a time when the OP says "one of the reasons i forgave him".

I just struggle to see how you can forgive something that is a deal breaker for many and can come down so hard on the various mistakes of others. Luckily for you your man chose to do the one thing that you had it in you to forgive.

maleview70 · 15/02/2012 22:12

This could easily be a pop up from using another porn site. He could have closed that down and not realised that a pop up was still there. He may not have interacted at all with anyone on a website. If you are ok with him looking at porn then I would give him the benefit of the doubt. if you hate that just as much then you have an issue. Web cam pop ups dont just spring up when you are lookming at bbc news!

Bobits · 15/02/2012 22:55

Hi, sorry you are feeling yuk :(

My opinion is tainted because I split with my ex partly over his usage of webcams and porn.

However you said you saw webcams and 'normal' porn different. But didn't know why.This is how it hurt my feelings, my experiences only:

My view on webcams is they are more interactive and personal - thus more like infidelity.N
one of those proper sites are free - they advertise but want you to pay out to use them.
For someone to pay for sex with someone who wouldn't touch them with a ten foot barge pole otherwise is actions of a desperate loser.
That they didn't have the balls or could find someone who would actually sleep with them.
That they did it when they percieved sex wasn't available from you.

This may not be your DPs POV but it was how it felt to me :(

I think that redtube is a fairly 'generic' porn site - an affiliate of a group of more popular ones.

And your comment about the hurt from infidelity and not knowing someone I understand - you know it is their fault for not being honest with you and not telling you who they really are. Being trusting of a person is the right way to be - you had no idea they would abuse it and mislead you xx

snuffaluffagus · 16/02/2012 07:12

Op, I have used that site and every time I do, that live cam thing pops up, believe me.

niceguy2 · 16/02/2012 08:52

At the end of the day we all have our own opinions about porn. Some thing it's a dumpable offence and exploitation, others (such as myself) are more relaxed about it.

OP has said she's pretty relaxed about it so there's little to gain from thrusting moral outrage down her throat and trying to make her feel worse than she already does.

For me, the balance of probabilities suggests this was just a guy having a quick wank to a bit of porn on the computer because his sex life is going through a shit patch. It's better than pressuring his wife non-stop, it's better than going out and shagging a prostitute or having an affair.

There's a smaller chance he could have signed up to an interactive webcam service but I think that's a slim chance. You can easily check bank statements/credit card statements to see if he's paid by that. Most people won't sign up out of fear it appears on the bill but also more importantly we don't trust the sites and fear our numbers will be misused elsewhere.

Lastly, pop ups like that can come up from other non-porn related sites but usually porn. Other sites which sometimes have dodgy pop ups are hacking sites or places you can download copyrighted stuff from such as movies/software etc.

niceguy2 · 16/02/2012 08:56

what woman would choose to gag! what woman would choose to have 2 in 1?

Well funny you should mention this but actually an ex of mine (i wont say which) used to enjoy both but it was me who refused both. The first because I didn't like the idea of hurting her. Sex to me is a loving thing, not hurting. The latter because I feared about opening pandora's box.

My point isn't to show off but to say that it's more complex than "all women hate xyz". There are many who do enjoy it and as long as it's consensual then personally I think it's fine. And that includes being paid for it to be videoed. The key word is consensual.

SardineQueen · 16/02/2012 09:19

Why don't you go to DH and say DH I saw something on the computer have you been using webcams. The look on his face will probably tell you what the answer is. And the answer that he gives you. Tell him that you saw it, if he says he wasn't then the onus is on him to explain how it got there. If he is genuinely baffled then probably you will be able to tell.

Firefly8774 · 16/02/2012 10:50

Hi,
At the risk of being shot down in flames can I give you a male perspective on this? I didn't expect something like this to be my first post on MN but I have an interest in the different attitudes that men and women seem to generally have towards porn.

First the technical bit....if you visit porn sites like redtube (or most others for that matter) various irritating sites will often open up in separate windows. These include dating, gambling and livecam pop-ups (LiveJasmin is a particular one that very frequently opens up). I think it's highly unlikely that your DH has had any interaction with the so-called "live cam" and the recipient would not have been able to see inside your home. As Amateurish said, your DH has simply missed closing down what is essentially a spam porn pop-up.

If you have no problem with your DH use of porn (within reason) then I think it is very unlikely that you have anything to worry about with this particular discovery. For the record, I would also consider actual interaction with others via web-cams etc totally unacceptable.

Ok so why do men use porn?.......In a nutshell its because the vast majority of men are unable to achieve the necessary arousal and stimulation to complete masturbation through mental visualisation/fantasy alone. We need visual images.....it's as simple as that.

PosiePumblechook · 16/02/2012 10:54

Ok so why do men use porn?.......In a nutshell its because the vast majority of men are unable to achieve the necessary arousal and stimulation to complete masturbation through mental visualisation/fantasy alone. We need visual images.....it's as simple as that.

Nah. Don't buy it. Men wanked way before porn. Porn is just a short cut.

newbiedoobiedoo · 16/02/2012 11:03

OP this is not about whether other people think it's ok. It's only about what you are comfortable with.

You have no problem with him viewing porn. You have a problem with webcam. No explanation necessary IMO, that's where your limit is. You don't need a reason, same as if he wasn't comfortable with you doing something he wouldn't need a reason.

In fairness though, you can't expect him to know that unless you tell him!

Firefly8774 · 16/02/2012 12:52

"Nah. Don't buy it. Men wanked way before porn. Porn is just a short cut".

Erotic visual images have been produced since time immemorial. The concept of pornography only really came about with the Victorians. Studies generally show that around 95% of sexually active men masturbate (and around 85% of sexually active women). Whether you/we like it or not the vast majority of men use pornography in one form or another. If you believe that your DH/DP doesn't, then it's highly likely that you just haven't caught him!

Where I think society has a real problem is not in porn per se, as an aid to a perfectly normal act, but in the proliferation of ever more extreme porn which is desensitising and/or dehumanising.

Malificence · 16/02/2012 13:00

"If you believe that your DH/DP doesn't, then it's highly likely that you just haven't caught him!"

Please don't insult our intelligence by spouting crap like that.

WorriedBetty · 16/02/2012 13:04

This doesn't mean he was using the live webcam feed BTW - probably does mean he accessed a porn or comedy video site as lots of these generate live webcam pop-ups from a firm called 'livejasmin' especially - I know because a case about these has come up at work.

They pop up (under) the website being looked at and look like an actual live cam performer is performing in the window. You can't see them until you shut the main window down. If he shut the main window down and logged off, it would remain.

PosiePumblechook · 16/02/2012 13:04

I'm not going to engage with you Firefly....as it seems there are just too many wanky (pardon the pun) myths to burst.

LindenAvery · 16/02/2012 13:08

Firefly - majority of men are unable to masturbate to completion! without visual images? And is this your opinion or do you have any evidence to back this up?

Unbelievable

sonicrainboom · 16/02/2012 14:36

Some serious deluded mansplaining in this thread. Male sex drive is so weak that they have had to use porn in order to get it up since the dawn of makind? That's new one!

SardineQueen · 16/02/2012 14:50

That stuff about men having no imagination is the most ludicrous thing I've heard in ages!

sonicrainboom · 16/02/2012 14:56

That's right, men simply cannot imagine things. That is why no work of fiction has ever been created by a man. Especially not any erotic works of fiction.

...sorry to derail your thread, Op.

AThingInYourLife · 16/02/2012 15:25

".......In a nutshell its because the vast majority of men are unable to achieve the necessary arousal and stimulation to complete masturbation through mental visualisation/fantasy alone. We need visual images.....it's as simple as that."

:o

Imagine if that were true!

Poor men, unable to perform basic biological functions without pictures.

What do you need to help you complete the process of taking a shit?

PosiePumblechook · 16/02/2012 15:43

Grin ATIYL.... Children now asking what I'm laughing at!!

Firefly8774 · 16/02/2012 15:55

"That stuff about men having no imagination is the most ludicrous thing I've heard in ages!"

I don't think it's a case of having no imagination. I think it's more a reflection of how male and female brains respond differently to different stimilli.

I'm genuinely surprised that my comments seem to have wound up so many on here.........A further example of the differences in male and female pysche I guess (venus and mars and all that!)

Oh well...have a good afternoon

Malificence · 16/02/2012 16:07

What about your supremely ignorant and condescending post firefly?

Just because you seem to need porn in order to masturbate successfully, how do you extrapolate that to "the vast majority of men" using porn?

sonicrainboom · 16/02/2012 16:17

If you must use porn in order to masturbate it means you have some sort of sexual dysfunction/libido problems.
It's not normal. Maybe you should start a thread and ask for help about that, instead of insisting that's how men are wired.

I would also like to inform you that men and women belong to the same species, homo sapiens, and are not from different planetsWink

SardineQueen · 16/02/2012 16:45

athing well DH often takes a book with him, it never crossed my mind that it might have instructive pictures to help him pass tricky stools Grin