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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Ways to stop this manipulative cow please

108 replies

gwendie · 08/02/2012 21:07

I really don't know the best way to handle this.

Do I ignore it all though she is affecting my life, or do I fight back?

The woman is distant family. Someone I will always be linked to and who will always hear about what me and my family are up to. That's something I don't have any control over unless I cut off contact with my entire family, obviously not an option.

The problem lies in the fact that she receives information via family convos and then tries to sabotage things. Here are some examples

We were due to exchange on a house and she masqueraded as another potential buyer, and 'gazumped' us. It came to nothing when she didn't follow through but was very stressful and expensive for us.

I run a business in catering - she is in the same industry. She spread the word to every foodie she met professionally, that she was the brains and mentor to me throughout and completely discredited me to my peers. She had NOTHING to do with my business.

She called my son's school that he is due to start next year, and told them we were really unsure about the school - not a good impression to give a fee paying school before you have even started there! Her daughter is already a pupil there so she has perhaps gained some credibility for being a current parent?? The registrar alluded to the conversation but wouldn't give details and I didn't want to push as I would then seem like the crazy one.

As I put these things on paper it feels petty and hardly worth worrying about, but I AM affected by all this. Mostly by the fear of what she will do next.

Over the years I have confronted her but it simply makes things worse - she gets verbally aggressive and I fear she will think up more schemes to try and hurt me. The fallout from confronting her is always bad - she has managed to turn other family against me - albeit very temporarily - but it's a horrible negative experience I don't want a repeat of.

How do I stop her, really, once and for all?

OP posts:
thisisyesterday · 08/02/2012 21:09

kill her

IUseTooMuchKitchenRoll · 08/02/2012 21:10

Or confront her and threaten to kill her.

cookcleanerchaufferetc · 08/02/2012 21:11

My initial thought was kill her too! However, it may be better to have it out with her and let her know that you won't accept any more crap from her or else!

Do you know why she behaves like this?

Firawla · 08/02/2012 21:12

would you not be able to ask your family not to pass any info over to her? surely they realise she is strange if they know about these things she has done? sounds very weird, any ideas why she does this?!

TheOneWithTheHair · 08/02/2012 21:12

I wonder if you did something to her she finds unforgivable because her actions seem very extreme?

FaithHopeAndKevin · 08/02/2012 21:13

Where is the source of her info? Cut it dead. Don't discuss anything with whoever is giving her the information.

PurplePidjin · 08/02/2012 21:13

Limit the information you give to all but close, trusted family members. Make sure the trusted ones know exactly what's going on.

She has potentially caused a family rift by her behaviour. You calling her on it is merely the consequence she has to face.

EverybodysSnowyEyed · 08/02/2012 21:14

Now you've sent your child to the same school as hers this could escalate

I would ask a solicitor for advice

scurryfunge · 08/02/2012 21:14

I wouldn't kill her but I would have her killed.

Seriously though, you need to confront her directly.

theincredibequeenofwands · 08/02/2012 21:15

Killing her is a bit extreme.

A sharp slap may work wonders.

She sounds unhinged.

aldiwhore · 08/02/2012 21:15

It doesn't sound petty at all, she sounds like she's pure venom.

I would be very careful what you tell anyone. I'd be tempted to distance myself from her as much as possible, I certainly wouldn't be sending my children to the same school.

Public humiliation is tempting but could backfire. Hoepfully she'll trip herself up so spectacularly one day that she won't be able to blame anyone but herself.

What business are you in? Catering? Is she direct competition? I would be tempted to ignore, if she's managing to do so much damage you need to widen your net so there's no overlap of clients.

gwendie · 08/02/2012 21:15

I think it's jealousy. We've grown up together and she has always competed against me. I am pretty sure that's what drives her, I can't think why else?

She has always wanted the same as me and gone out and bought it - the same car, the same clothes, a near identical engagement ring (replacing her original one!!), the list goes on.

Having it out with her just makes her worse, and I think I'm a little scared of what she's capable of. I hate having enemies.

OP posts:
Hassled · 08/02/2012 21:16

Is there someone in the family who knows her and who you trust - someone you could talk to who might be able to "have a word"? Do the family know this is going on? She really does sound completely unhinged - and why is she singling you out?

Chulita · 08/02/2012 21:17

Is it just you and your immediate family who are treated like this? or does she do it to others too?
If she does it to others, maybe you all need to have a chat about damage limitation. If she's only this horrible to you, still have an honest chat to your family about what she's done and ask them to be careful what they pass on.
I've got a family member who's similar but he's like that to several of us so we all just keep him out of the loop on a lot of things. He's more of a relationship wrecker though and takes delight in breaking friendships.

Kennyp · 08/02/2012 21:20

Lie low and tell her nothing!
Sounds a bit bonkers to me. Her, not you

TheOneWithTheHair · 08/02/2012 21:20

If this wasn't a family member I think you would have contacted the police by now. This woman is directly interfering in your life. Keep a record of what she is doing at the very least.

gwendie · 08/02/2012 21:22

Agree about the schools snowyeyed and aldiwhore. I have more or less talked myself out of the school even though it's the place I've been set on since having my son.

Actually thinking of moving further away from her too - we're currently quite local to each other.

That just sounds so extreme though. I cannot stand the woman, and here I am seriously considering changing huge plans because of her.

OP posts:
ValarMorghulis · 08/02/2012 21:24

Do your family realise that she has done these things? She sounds a little disturbed tbh.

Why does she seem so hell bent on sabotaging your life? has there been a fall out before?

Personally i would deliberately feed her false info and watch her waste her energy chasing imaginary estate agents etc.

HurricaneBawbag · 08/02/2012 21:25

If she is aspiring to be you then why are sending your child to her childs school? And you are in the same line of business? Did she start first? Maybe direct competition rather than jealousy tbh! And you don't seem to be helping...

CalmaLlamaDown · 08/02/2012 21:25

Tell the rest of your family what you have just told us and i would image they will all want to cut contact anyway.

shakemyhead · 08/02/2012 21:25

Can you feed her some untruths so she will compete and make a total arse of herself? Sit back then

ChaoticAngel · 08/02/2012 21:27

"Personally i would deliberately feed her false info and watch her waste her energy chasing imaginary estate agents etc."

This, I like Grin

Even more so if you can find something that will make her look like an idiot/will ruin her reputation so nobody believes anything she says in future.

PurplePidjin · 08/02/2012 21:28

I think i'd be dubious about the school based on their massive breach of confidentiality, actually!

gwendie · 08/02/2012 21:29

It's not just me, there are a couple of other females in the family who have the same troubles from time to time.

We have all talked about it, however in the past she has used this to her advantage and managed to manipulate the situation - telling us all the other is saying horrible things about the other - you get the idea.

It's ended up that she has caused the rest of the family not to talk! She is manipulative to the extreme.

Now we an upspoken rule not to talk about her, because that's the best way to avoid getting caught up in her web. The more I write this all down the more I realise we're all completely afraid of her and the damage she could cause.

OP posts:
TheOneWithTheHair · 08/02/2012 21:31

Sounds blunt but if you all know about her, who is giving her the information?