Ways to stop this manipulative cow please

[gwendie]

I really don't know the best way to handle this.

Do I ignore it all though she is affecting my life, or do I fight back?

The woman is distant family. Someone I will always be linked to and who will always hear about what me and my family are up to. That's something I don't have any control over unless I cut off contact with my entire family, obviously not an option.

The problem lies in the fact that she receives information via family convos and then tries to sabotage things. Here are some examples

We were due to exchange on a house and she masqueraded as another potential buyer, and 'gazumped' us. It came to nothing when she didn't follow through but was very stressful and expensive for us.

I run a business in catering - she is in the same industry. She spread the word to every foodie she met professionally, that she was the brains and mentor to me throughout and completely discredited me to my peers. She had NOTHING to do with my business.

She called my son's school that he is due to start next year, and told them we were really unsure about the school - not a good impression to give a fee paying school before you have even started there! Her daughter is already a pupil there so she has perhaps gained some credibility for being a current parent?? The registrar alluded to the conversation but wouldn't give details and I didn't want to push as I would then seem like the crazy one.

As I put these things on paper it feels petty and hardly worth worrying about, but I AM affected by all this. Mostly by the fear of what she will do next.

Over the years I have confronted her but it simply makes things worse - she gets verbally aggressive and I fear she will think up more schemes to try and hurt me. The fallout from confronting her is always bad - she has managed to turn other family against me - albeit very temporarily - but it's a horrible negative experience I don't want a repeat of.

How do I stop her, really, once and for all?

Older members of your family facilliate this woman in bullying you by passing information about your life.

You are cutting your options right down if you will not speak to your family about your problems with her.

You have no grounds to get a restraining order or legal involvement.

You can withdraw from sharing information about your life with your family? Surely it is easier to tell people the truth? That you have a problem with X, you want no more to do with her, and you would appriciate it if they did not discuss your business with her.

You don't need to do anything. So she comes up to you at a family party? Make a polite excuse and leave. If she gets in your face, tell her you don't like her and don't want to talk to her.

So long as you remain polite and calm and smiley, everyone will still like you and your life can carry on.

If you behave in a 'gossip-worthy' way, then she will win.

If you need to change your phone number and delete yourself from facebook, do it.

Send your kid to the school if you want. Do what is best for the kid. Politely explain to the head that there is a family issue between you and this woman, that she is not your friend and she is to have no contact with your child.

Just don't drop to her level. If clients mention her, just shrug and say that you don't get on.

Keep a record of what happens, in case she goes proper stalkery.

Cut her out of your life. Tell your family. And then go 'hey ho' and carry on like before.

You don't have to pretend to like her.

well don't tell them? simple, thank fuck for my family where we hang our dirty washing on the line and it is done...althought mopgate lingers, but always in my favour, I find my DH family more dificult because they are so nice...really they are and I get piss off at this..for no reason...but I do , I don't do nice, I do funny, close, crying, helping, contradictory, intelligent (I hope) shouty, hugs, symapthetic, talking mainly that, but not nice

Nagoo has said everything Perfectly. stop making excuses and facilitating her behaviour. Follow everything that nagoo has said. You should definitely have a meeting with the school and calmly tell them the situation (DO NOT tell anyone but your dh you have done so) and dont let this twat stop you from sending your son to this school. Log everything, get legal advice and stop letting this bully win. Your family are disgraceful
For allowing this loon to bully you - fight her!

Yup Nagoo has it spot on. I have been witness to an identical situ with a friend of mine - she took the other option which is to move house far away so that there is really no connection anymore. She still sees family but ensures that she tells them nothing of her plans etc so they dont get passed on. But then why should you move? She is the deranged psycho (suffering from jealousy for so many years has turned her mind and made her unhinged) not you!

I think as well you need to think about how you treat the older members of your family - they don't have to be protected from knowing this they are grown up and should be treated as such - she doesn't seem to worry about making up stuff about you to them so you should tell the truth.

If you do send your son to the school I would make it clear to the school that there are issues with the other mother - just be open and say there are family issues/longstanding problems and that there is no ongoing relationship. You don't want her for example being able to get information on your son's performance from teachers etc

If you do send your son to the school I would make it clear to the school that there are issues with the other mother - just be open and say there are family issues/longstanding problems and that there is no ongoing relationship.

Absolutely. But be prepared for a lot of crap anyway.

She sounds very scary.

I would be tempted to call a big family gathering and then tell everyone chapter and verse all the things she has done to you.

But then I am a bit of a drama queen.

I don't see why you should have to change your life to get away from this mad woman.

This is a familiar situation to me. My DN suffered from similar treatment from another member of her family. (Not a relative of mine but my DH's family).

It was difficult for my DN to get the rest of her family and friends to understand how malicious, devious and manipulative this person was towards her, as she treated the rest of the family fairly normally.

My DN had to distance herself completely from this person. It was hard for her and she received criticism from the rest of the family. Yet once the "Malicious One's" source of information dried up, she was unable to practice her nasty tricks on my DN and she did start to turn on other members of her family. In time the rest of the family did start to recognise that she was capable of being very unpleasant indeed.

My DN had to stop using Face Book as the "Malicious One" was not above impersonating someone else to gain access to my DN's page.

I think it is a wise decision not to send your child to the same school. Hopefully if you start to drop off her radar, she will leave you alone.

It is a horrible situation to be in particularly if you are a decent, honourable person yourself. Keep the moral high ground and you will always be the winner. Best wishes.

Thanks for the support and advice ladies.

I have some time before we have to make a decision on the school and I'm letting the dust settle before deciding whether to tell the school.

I have an uneasy feeling that whatever I say to the school, and however amicably, it will not reflect positively on me.

Plus should I not give the staff at the school some credit? They must have had situations like this before with mothers competing. If she is sowing seeds that are negative towards another family, surely the staff would see through it?

I feel that I need to keep cards very close to my chest and not even mention to her that the school has spoken to me.

I also cannot bear to make this any bigger than it is because I find it life sapping and draining. I am 8 months pregnant and want positive vibes around me, not negative ones!

MissMap - you have a good point that she will have to find other ways to amuse herself if there is no info coming from me. She will go to work on some other female members on the family as she has done in the past.

It's a long standing cycle - she does something awful, I cut off all contact, then over time she somehow finds a way back in, usually by offering help/being kind, and I slowly begin to trust again. There is a part of my brain that believes she has 'grown out of it all by now'. Then she proves me wrong and I disconnect again - it's just gone on like that for years.

You need To understand that you can NEVER trust this woman - how she must delight in clawing her way back Into your life because you let her.

As for the school - give them some credit, as she is a twat, they must have noticed and you must be honest an just say things how they are. This has been your problem up to now, not speaking out. Stop being a doormat to her and speak out - albeit calmly and politely. Not to her, don't give the bitch the time of day, I mean to others. Let them know exactly what she has done. If she is at the same family gatherings just smile and move away from her. If she makes a scene it is she who will look like the loon she is. Stop giving her power. Stop enabling her.

Good luck and keep us updated!

When you were a child your cousin bullied you. You are no longer a child. You don't have to take this. You don't need to protect older family members. You don't have to play your cards close to your chest.

Cut her out of your life. If she won't accept it, tell her you want nothing more to do with her. You don't have to give her reasons.

Stop being a good girl. Be a woman and take control. She has victimized you long enough don't allow your children to become her victims also.

Dione and runningwilde - thank you for posting. It is bullying, funny how I have never put that label on it before. Family members have been spoken to. I am never letting this woman back into our lives.

We will undoubtedly be seeing her over the next weeks and months, there are always family gatherings and I won't opt out of those, it is good for the children to see their extended family.

I can finally put a stop to her, I am sure there will still be stirring and other crap from her in the future. Leopards don't change their spots, but I can stop the serious stuff but cutting off all information to her.

My sister had a similar problem with her husband's first wife... even after they had been married for 10 years she let it slip to one of his children where they were going on holiday and the ex turned up and followed them around the resort. She no longer tells them where they are going for hols as she cannot be sure they will not tell their mother. Her best trick was after my sister had been married for 25 years to take them to court in Ireland to suggest that they had not been legally divorced... It was thrown out but only after 18 months of nightmare.

So my advice to you is to say nothing to your family that you would not want her to know. You know that she will always do you down, your gut tells you that, so listen to your gut and avoid her where possible.

I think I'd go and speak to the registrar at the school. After all s/he will have been aware that there was obviously this issue.

I'd say something along the lines of there are difficult family issues which you try and keep out of, but unfortunately this means she does not have any contact with your dc. The fact she spoke to the registrar about your dc without your permission does cause you some concern (as it should them) and please could they be aware that she has not got your permission to talk to the school about your dc, and, if she does, she does not actually know about them due to the family issues.

And make sure she does not have permission to pick your dc up even in an emergency.

If you make it generally "family issues" then you can slightly distance yourself from it. If she is apparently chasing you at school then I'm sure they will quickly work out who is to blame.

Of course if you get police/solicitors involved mention this to the school.

Alternatively tell your elderly relatives that the school contacted you very concerned because someone had been giving information about you/your dc. The school is working with the police to look at harrassment proceedures. Hopefully that will frighten her enough not to approach the school again.

She sounds like a very dangerous person.

Firstly, you have my total sympathy. Secondly, you've already had good advice. Keep records and plug the leak.

With regards to moving - if you can do so without too much disruption to your business/family etc., do it. Life is way too short to put up with this kind of shite.

Good luck.

This is passive aggressive bullying. The woman is a jealous, vile, nutcase. I have the same problem with a neighbour. I'd see a solicitor, get advice. Can you send your child to another school? Tell people nothing or wrong information (major life events) for a while. Write down what you say and to whom. You'll find out via this lengthy process who the leak is. Godit is very stressful but thank God you do not live next door with her listening at the wall , i do not know how i haven't run the word over.

*C word over.

I would actually be getting some legal advice / having an informal chat with the police. Don't know exactly what constitutes stalking / harassment but I'd be willing to bet she's stepping very close to the line.

Evening. We're going to move this thread to Relationships now. We think it would fit better there.

I meant to post the other day when i first saw this OP. This woman sounds very much like someone that I used to work with. She was horribly manipulative, dishonest and calculating and, like the woman you are talking about dished out vile behaviour to many of us but was charming to others so it created a very, very difficult, actually slightly scarey situation. How horrible that she is part of your family in this case.

I understand exactly what you mean when you say that you are wary of inflaming her. IMO there is no way to confront people like this, they just look hurt and deny everything. Fortunately, this woman left my workplace but still works nearby and my bloody literally runs cold if I ever see her when I am out and about. She is completely deranged but masquerades as a reasonable, highflying professional and, incredibly, some people actually believe that she is!

My experience taught me that with people like this, they never change and you ought to cut them out of your life and not look back.

Ooh ringing lots of bells. I had a 'friend' like this. Very manipulative, I actually think now (looking back) she has some sort of personality disorder. I felt very trapped, we were in groups of different friends all of whom thought she was wonderful. She did some similar things to me, very organised 'tricks', but convinced others that I was just being silly and always seemed to tie me in knots so I didn't know which way was up. In the end I realised the only way to get out of the cycle was to cut all and every tie with this person. I never spoke to her again, I never answered her calls and I never discussed her or anything to do with her with any of our mutual groups. I just said to them that I had come to this decision, I realised they felt differently and I respected that, but that I didn't want to hear about her or discuss anything to do with her ever again. I realise it's far far more difficult for you being family, so really feel for you. But you cannot have any kind of relationship with her. It won't work. She is manipulative and any form of contact or leeway, however small she will leap upon. If I were you, I would make it known widely, that you do not get on with this person, therefore you are not on the back foot anymore.

She sounds like a female psychopath :(

OP - good to hear you have been proactive, you said you have spoken to family members? You have also had some great advice how to approach the school and even if you don't sed your child there, still speak to them!

Let us have an update!