Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Ways to stop this manipulative cow please

108 replies

gwendie · 08/02/2012 21:07

I really don't know the best way to handle this.

Do I ignore it all though she is affecting my life, or do I fight back?

The woman is distant family. Someone I will always be linked to and who will always hear about what me and my family are up to. That's something I don't have any control over unless I cut off contact with my entire family, obviously not an option.

The problem lies in the fact that she receives information via family convos and then tries to sabotage things. Here are some examples

We were due to exchange on a house and she masqueraded as another potential buyer, and 'gazumped' us. It came to nothing when she didn't follow through but was very stressful and expensive for us.

I run a business in catering - she is in the same industry. She spread the word to every foodie she met professionally, that she was the brains and mentor to me throughout and completely discredited me to my peers. She had NOTHING to do with my business.

She called my son's school that he is due to start next year, and told them we were really unsure about the school - not a good impression to give a fee paying school before you have even started there! Her daughter is already a pupil there so she has perhaps gained some credibility for being a current parent?? The registrar alluded to the conversation but wouldn't give details and I didn't want to push as I would then seem like the crazy one.

As I put these things on paper it feels petty and hardly worth worrying about, but I AM affected by all this. Mostly by the fear of what she will do next.

Over the years I have confronted her but it simply makes things worse - she gets verbally aggressive and I fear she will think up more schemes to try and hurt me. The fallout from confronting her is always bad - she has managed to turn other family against me - albeit very temporarily - but it's a horrible negative experience I don't want a repeat of.

How do I stop her, really, once and for all?

OP posts:
Ample · 08/02/2012 22:04

Another vote here for 'moving away' from her.

I definitely wouldn't be sending my kids to the same school. It will only get worse and if you think you have little control now; you will have no control whatsoever when you are both parents of children at the same school.
Gossip/news travels like wildfire in and out of school gates. She will live for this and target you. Why wouldn't she?

She is jealous and insecure and she so wants to be more like you. But she is dangerous.
You say she is a distant relative but you should think about putting some more distance between you. What you have now just isn't enough.
She is making your life miserable. You deserve better. Get this leech out of your life.
Oh and I too LOVE the idea of feeding her false info, you know..just for sport.

I feel sorry I really do, I just don't think confrontation would work with her on any level. She sounds positively bonkers.
Sad

Nagoo · 08/02/2012 22:05

dandelions I'm thinking the same as you.

OP I want some more examples.

kelly2000 · 08/02/2012 22:14

You could tell other family members that you have a stalker who has been calling up your school etc and have been speaking to the police - might panic her a bit when it gets back to her! Or you could as someone else said and just send her on wild goose chases.

AKMD · 08/02/2012 22:15

I would either move or involve the police. She sounds deranged.

HurricaneBawbag · 08/02/2012 22:15

Hey dandelions / nagoo I called it first Wink

McHappyPants2012 · 08/02/2012 22:17

Make something up, like you are getting a brand new car make it known and if she copy's you and gets it before you turn around and say it wasn't the car for you

runningwilde · 08/02/2012 22:19

I'm sorry but you ALLO her so much power by being frightened to stand up and talk about this! TELL ALL your family members exactly what she has done. Log and list everything this loon has done to you and see a solicitor for advice and if she insists on trying to spread lies about you get a restrain ing order or get advice about what you can do legally to get her to stop doing this. You have to stand up to her. You must. Keep us updated! Post this in legal too and see if you can get some advice there x

HurricaneBawbag · 08/02/2012 22:21

Thinking about it from the manipulative cow pov, you could be seen as the stalker. You have done everything she has done very quickly after she has done it. And appear to not want or value her experience and knowledge. She lives close enough that you would consider sending kids to the same school and you don't talk to her yourself. She probably thinks you are a stalker tbh!

Whatmeworry · 08/02/2012 22:22

Seems to me a 4 plank approach is emerging:

  • disentangle from her as much as possible - different schools, towns, minimise factual info fed to relatives
  • log what she has done just in case
  • take advice from police/solicitor
  • feed false info/stalker data to relatives, add that police think it may be someone who knows you - stuff to rattle her.
Heyyyho · 08/02/2012 22:23

This isn't a joke of any sort it really is extremely dangerous.

This will take years of your life op.

You need to have a real plan of action. No messing around. She needs to be shown you mean business.

HurricaneBawbag · 08/02/2012 22:23

Did you get the house btw?the one that she bid more on?

thefroggy · 08/02/2012 22:29

Punch her lights out?

Sorry, not helpful Grin

saladsandwich · 08/02/2012 22:30

i personally would ring the police just dont give a name just say someones slandering your business, ringing the school up ect, then let it drip back to the family

runningwilde · 08/02/2012 22:35

Hurricane - really?! That is how you see it?! The woman is deranged!

Op you really do need ro get some legal advice

You and all your family need to get mad and stand up to her - Fight!

aldiwhore · 08/02/2012 22:38

Hurricane, that is a good point, there are always two sides.

I'm not saying I agree, but its a good point.

thefroggy · 08/02/2012 22:39

Confront her, on her own, tell her it's going to stop now. Record the conversation on your mobile without her knowledge, replay to family when she twists it?

blackoutthesun · 08/02/2012 22:42

agree with other posters who say that there is more too this

gwendie · 08/02/2012 23:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ample · 08/02/2012 23:04

There is more to this? Sure there is but if you think a person wouldn't ever act this way then you are mistaken. Strange things happen even with two sides of a story.

Ample · 08/02/2012 23:06

x-post

Heyyyho · 08/02/2012 23:22

This is a personal targeted vendetta since childhood. Awful.
She is still bullying you and it will get worse.

What are you going to do?

Bobyan · 08/02/2012 23:56

She's jealous of you, irrationally or otherwise.

Have your immediate family noticed it? Because if one of my children was being treated like this I'd hope I'd notice and nip it in the bud...

Whatmeworry · 09/02/2012 00:00

Where do your parents sit in all this, OP? If she has been playing these game don't other notice it? Coud DH "have a little word" - ie make her realise you won't take it lying down.

I would certainly limit any contact, and when at gatherings limit talking to her, and onl;y say vapid nothings.

solidgoldbrass · 09/02/2012 00:01

See a solicitor, particularly about the things she has said about your business: you might be able to start or at least threaten legal action for defamation and/or an injunction against her.

missingmumxox · 09/02/2012 00:20

Really your family haven't noticed? really? we have a nightmare nutter in our family and we are all aware, we play her game for her and regroup and have a giggle,

I think your family are not as close as you think if this goes on, I am from a large extended family and gossip is our main stay, we love it but we all know who stirs and sometimes others add to the mix.

that said we all like a good old row..it has been said if you bring a sig other to a family do and they don't leave you, you need to marry them, and actually it is a drama, if there isn't a drama..iyswim, as in we will talk longer about a do when nothing happened than one that did, because we are amazed.

that said Mopgate 5 years ago is still discused as I have up until that point, not been one of the shouters, just a happy gossip.:)