Ways to stop this manipulative cow please

[gwendie]

I really don't know the best way to handle this.

Do I ignore it all though she is affecting my life, or do I fight back?

The woman is distant family. Someone I will always be linked to and who will always hear about what me and my family are up to. That's something I don't have any control over unless I cut off contact with my entire family, obviously not an option.

The problem lies in the fact that she receives information via family convos and then tries to sabotage things. Here are some examples

We were due to exchange on a house and she masqueraded as another potential buyer, and 'gazumped' us. It came to nothing when she didn't follow through but was very stressful and expensive for us.

I run a business in catering - she is in the same industry. She spread the word to every foodie she met professionally, that she was the brains and mentor to me throughout and completely discredited me to my peers. She had NOTHING to do with my business.

She called my son's school that he is due to start next year, and told them we were really unsure about the school - not a good impression to give a fee paying school before you have even started there! Her daughter is already a pupil there so she has perhaps gained some credibility for being a current parent?? The registrar alluded to the conversation but wouldn't give details and I didn't want to push as I would then seem like the crazy one.

As I put these things on paper it feels petty and hardly worth worrying about, but I AM affected by all this. Mostly by the fear of what she will do next.

Over the years I have confronted her but it simply makes things worse - she gets verbally aggressive and I fear she will think up more schemes to try and hurt me. The fallout from confronting her is always bad - she has managed to turn other family against me - albeit very temporarily - but it's a horrible negative experience I don't want a repeat of.

How do I stop her, really, once and for all?

Restraining order. Seriously.

Oh, and misfeed lots of information to family members that will mean she gets caught up in her own hideous web and exposed.

Whoa, OP, wtf? She sounds deranged, and I'm slightly worried about your family too; if they have no awareness of what she has been doing, they need to know, and if they know and can't see it, blimey o'reilly, this is demented!

Perhaps you could stop telling people what you're up to, if they are leaky, and stick to asking them what they're doing. If this woman's actions on your information are driving you to reappraise your choice of school for your dc and where you live, perhaps curtailing the information given out about you is the less drastic action, or something to try at least. As long as you still want to know about others, you will still be in touch. She sounds like a RL troll, so maybe starve her?

This person may ruin your entire life. I don't want to post what I would do if this happened to me

It's not pretty.

Purple - yes I questioned the schools' confidentiality too.

Hurricane - yes she did start first in the business, she is 1 year older than me. So she started her uni course 1 year before me, etc. I should point out though, that catering is my mother's business and also her mother's business, plus a few other cousins.

Re sending to the same school - it's basically the best school in our area, the obvious choice for many.

Her child is only 6 mths older than mine so unfortunately she was always going to be the first one there. I didn't know she had applied to the school until she told me at a family gathering about her child's first day at school.

On the other hand I had discussed the school with family - in hindsight I obviously wish I'd kept cards close to my chest as she did.

But I don't want to be secretive and weird, I want to have normal conversations with my family that I don't have to edit for fear of what may travel back to her.

Isn't this a kind of stalking? Keep a diary of everything and contact a solicitor or threaten to.

Then you need to make sure your family know exactly what's going on.

Every time she's mentioned, roll your eyes and say "Oh, yeah, her. We all know what she's like" then change the subject, preferably accompanied by a patronising chuckle...

Well, one of your family members is telling her this info and until you find out who has been passing on the info, I would keep converstaions to the usual boring things like weather, what's on TV and other tedious stuff. Tell them nothing important and if they ask about important stuff, change the subject.

Or you could give each family member a different and small piece of information and see who passes their info on to this woman. It has to be something that you don't care that she hears about though.

The 'leaks' in the family are basically the older members in their 60's and 70's. I cannot go to them with all of this, they would be incredibly distressed.

We have lots of family gatherings with everyone around, and we couldn't really chit chat without the older members of the family being a part of it and hearing our news.

I am just very surprised that you are sending your child to the same school as this person .She will then be seeing you in the same place possibly very often, giving her even more chance to spread rumours about you in the schooll environment which could be awful for you.

This sound very Single White Female to me.
Or stalkery.

You are definitely not being petty! This woman is purposefully meddling in your life (and your DS's!). Personally, I think I'd have to confront her with it all - but only after I'd planted a "false seed" or two and seen her make a total tit of herself .

Seriously, you can't just be expected to let this carry on indefinitely can you?

I am just very surprised that you are sending your child to the same school as this person

Absolutely. Changing that is a priority.

I would also tell these older family members what is going on.

eurycantha - I think I have talked myself out of sending to the same school now. I get a sense of dread whenever I think about it.

I am angry though that she has this much power. It feels unjust.

"I want to have normal conversations with my family that I don't have to edit for fear of what may travel back to her."

Unfortunately you can't not with out living with the consequence which is she knows what your up to and then the fear this induces in you that she may then act against you.

I would suggest putting physical and emotional distance between you if at all possible so moving away would be very good idea if this was possible if not cutting off her sources of information about you as much as possible.

Otherwise you'll just have to accept things as they are and not let her get to you which is obviously very hard- her behavior is very unlikely to change or a thing you will every have control over.

Start misinforming. Say that you are investing loads in your business, buying new equipment etc etc. Say that you are thinking of buying a porsche/bigger house/yacht.

Then sit back and watch in satisfaction as she does all of the above to try and be first, passing loads of money up the wall in the process. Then airily report that you have changed your mind as you don't like to be a sheep

If you do pull out of the school make sure you explain why!

Honestly I would consider moving away

Perhaps you need to chit chat about things that have happened not future plans?

It is mental behaviour, and it is sage advice to keep a written record of everything, including dates, times, and as much info as possible.

Then, I would be unable to resist feeding her lots of 'wrong' information.... as above, I would suggest including that you are planning to emigrate..... a long, long way away (australia maybe) and see if she goes! problem solved!

Hmm I wonder if there are 2 sides to this.
How do you know it was her who gazumped you?Estate agents would be unlikely to divulge the other 'buyer's' name.Even if it was her perhaps she had looked round the house before you and was genuinely interested in buying it.
She probably thinks she gave you a few tips when you were stating up in business? How do you know what she said to the school? You said they only alluded to a conversation - not gave any details.Your words are very emotive 'She rang you DS's future school' wheras in fact she was ringing her own DDs school.

She could could quite easily be saying you copied her in 1) wanting to buy the house 2)going into catering 3) sending your DC to the same school.

Misinformation (lots of) is the way to go and for self preservation you have to send your child to another school otherwise sadly she can make them and you suffer horribly, although I would not give this as the reason but put a positive spin on it as if the other school was always your initial plan. She is trying to intimidate/bully you so you must not show defeat or weakness. If you do move also don't tell her where good luck she sounds beyond unhinged, perhaps you also need a friendly low key word with the local polo ice/solicitor for advice? or as a pre-emotive strike in case she escalates in her behaviour? Good luck!!

Police not polo! Damn iPhone

I live in a small community and someone living nearby has spent a lot of time and energy bitching and being nasty about mainly me to the locals.

She has all by herself got things very obviously wrong as will happen happen you overhear parts of conversations and yes she has lost credibility and yes there is some satisfaction in see her make an arse of herself.

It hasn't stopped me being anxious about her behavior and what might happen. We may move away more due to DH job moving and once I look past the upset to school aged DC there is a huge sense of relief that I can get away from it all.

So miss information enjoyable - but not anxiety stopping IME.