Is this the start of controlling behaviour?

[EachUisge]

I just want to know if I'm being a bit over cautious. I haven't been in a relationship for many years, and I met this guy around 3 months ago.

He told me he loved me after a month, which I didn't respond to, it takes me ages to love anybody. He wanted to make plans for holidays much later in the year, I wasn't so keen as still early days and I can not afford to lose time off/money if things went awry. He makes dinner for me once a week, which at first I found refreshing and kind. Now there are lots of comments about how well he treats me, how he enjoys looking after me and how no one will take such good care of me as he will.

The last time I spent the night, I questioned something he said, not an argument, but a difference of opinion. He can speak very crudely - he admittedly watches a lot of porn - and threw a few choice phrases about sex, the sex with exes in my direction while we were in the car. I said I wasn't comfortable with him speaking to me in that way and that I'd rather not hear about them. That night in bed he wouldn't kiss me goodnight or respond to any touch.

Today there was a moment or two where I saw a flash of temper. His water was switched off, so he filled a watering can with water so he could flush the loo. He came right up to my face and in a sarcastic tone, mocking me, said, "oooh, thanks very much, I can't believe how thoughtful you are (his name) I can't believe how lucky I am etc etc". My face must have been as he said "what's that face for?"

Everything became fine again, then he was making a sandwich and lost his temper because his sandwich didn't look right. Not just a generalised grump, a proper rage. I finished making it when he stormed off to calm down, when he came back he said there was something really good on the radio. He switched it on and I found myself listening to a woman who had been stalked. He knew I had been through similar, I could feel him watching me throughout the broadcast. I felt almost like he was putting me in my place.

There is a little alarm going off, but I don't know if I'm being a bit over-sensitive or not. On the way back to mine it was like nothing had happened, he was cheery and upbeat, a total contrast to me. I felt like shrinking away inside myself. My gut is saying there is something a bit wrong here. I would be grateful for any advice, TIA.

They're the assholes, not you, OP. Well done on keeping you head up.

And you don't have a plight - you dumped his arse cos he's a freak, remember .

He's a right shit, bad-mouthing you to people - what is he, 12? You are so well out of it.

Don't let this experience shut you back in a shell. You spotted a wrong un and now you're moving on. There are nice non-freak men out there.

I have caught up now. Well done for getting rid, you are well out of there.

Have a and (((hugs)))

Sadly this is not happening at my workplace. I see them en route.

If it carries on I would be able to contact their HR department/management instead. I am sure they would stamp down on that kind of thing pretty hard.

You really wouldn't believe someone in his forties would be so juvenile and cruel, would you? He is oblivious to his own crass behaviour, I will be the "bad guy" in this, just like his last two exes.

There were a lot of immature aspects to his behaviour. I very quickly fell into an appeasing role with him, because it was easier than the alternative. I followed advice from another thread to write a list of the things he did to upset me. Once I thought about it a bit, the list is a bit of an eye opener.

I think I wore rose tinted specs for quite some time.

Don't let it bother you how he paints you to others (easier said than done, I know). You know the truth. And you can always do the little finger waggle.

If his colleagues continue to harass you, have no compunction in putting in a complaint to their HR. They need to grow up as much as he does.

Have you been in abusive relationships before? (Sorry if you've already said if you have or not). If you have, maybe you should shore up those boundaries and do the freedom programme or similar?

koda, sorry been a bit awol due to work. I meant to answer you yesterday but slept in and was running late for the night shift.

I haven't been in another abusive relationship but I was severely assaulted by a stranger several years ago. That's why I was single for so many years. Before that, I thought I was a strong person who could deal with anything.

So I am used to getting through a day by being on autopilot but for some reason this has upset me beyond belief. He sent a card, I know I shouldn't have opened it/read it (it was typed so no recognisable handwriting) but it blamed me for everything.
He said the relationship had been a one way street. With him doing all the work.

I refute this, with maybe one exception but he was well aware why, and said he accepted it. He came up with a slew of reasons why he's like he is, abused as a child, neurological deficits because of said abuse, financial stresses, mineral deficiencies, me not asking him about his past and therefore not supporting him etc.

I am the sort of person who will wait for people to offer information when they are ready and trust me enough to do so. He badgered for personal info and went into a mood when I found it difficult to speak about things.

My resolve is still firm, I am not giving in. I have no intentions of replying to his lovely heartfelt note. I don't know why the hell I am still shedding tears over this, can someone please explain because I really don't understand.

I'm safe, I'm in one piece, so why do I feel so fragile?

You feel fragile because your faith in your judgement has been rocked. You trusted, liked and fancied this man who turned out to be a complete shit. It says nothing about you and everything about how manipulative, creepy and fake this man is.

Thank you Celia, I don't know if he is just excusing his behaviour, I can't trust he's telling me the truth. If it is actually true, of course I'm sympathetic but I think it will take someone with experience to mend him.

Not me.

Oh my god, what a lucky escape you've had. Well done for being so strong, he sounds utterly unhinged and you sound lovely. Remember you've dumped him, not the other way round. He's just firing arrows at you and hoping some of them strike - don't give him the satisfaction.

OP - I haven't followed the whole thread, just the start and end. I am glad that you left and have the resolve to stand firm.

I wanted to say that despite what you think now you are strong and you can handle anything. You have been through an awful lot and survived. Feeling a sense of loss about ending this relationship is normal, feeling sad doesn't make you weak. Have a good cry - its fine to feel that way!

...and sad as his circumstances are its not his dp's responsibility to fix them. Especially when they are kept secret!

He needs professional help, not something you should or could give him.

I think the way he started off his note, attacking me for the failure of the relationship, strengthened my resolve even more. It listed all my faults. Bullet pointed.

I never claimed to be perfect, but I am pretty sure I'm nowhere near as bad as he painted me.

One point I did agree with. I do spend too much on my hair.

But only because I don't have the courage to try the mumsnet haircut.

Get out of this relationship now. This is only after 3 months, in a few months/years it will be so much worse.

Omg he sounds clinically insane.

I am quite worried about you sweetheart.

Do you think he will leave you alone now?

sleepy I am booked in for a blow dry on Wednesday, and thank you for the nearly kiss! I will keep the card, not because I want to, but just in case, and I've kept a note of all comments made.

Heyyyho I hope that's the end of it. The saving grace is he doesn't leave much of a gap between relationships, a month or so. He can be very charming so I guess it won't be long before someone falls into his arms.

It's a shame for the next person, but hopefully she will see through him. His last two girlfriends (one dumped him, the other he froze out) were to blame for the relationship fail too.

It would be interesting to get their perspective on things.

Their perspective is probably that they also had a lucky escape. As did you. No reasonable sane person sends someone a bullet pointed list of their faults (especially one that includes spending too much on their hair. Sorry but :o - he really was scratching round for something to say).

I think you should hold it up as a badge of honour - "I spend loads on my hair. It looks fucking great, doesn't it? " (and I bet it does) :)

Keep saying to yourself 'what a twat!', remembering to add an air of amazement to your voice when you say it as if it's incredible that it should have happened to you.

As it is, of course. Incredible, that is.

Sending more , even though it's still a little early and people might see, coz I've had a couple of glasses of .

Waterhorse (have I got that right?) Get someone else to look after that letter, so you're not tempted to keep re-reading it. I had a shitty ex once who wrote me a letter like that, and I had a sensible friend who got me to get rid of it, and she was right, but you're right to hang on to it in case it's needed, so get it looked after by someone else for a while.

You sound like you're doing great, keep going and well done for getting out so relatively soon. I thank my lucky stars for doing that with that shitty ex. I was 17, first boyfriend and he was talking about our grandchildren within a month .

Just checking in to see if you are ok OP. I hope that he has respected your decision and isn't causing you any more upset. I can't believe he listed your supposed faults like that though I am guessing if he had listed his he would still be writing now

Do not give him the satisfaction of hurting you - he is beyond nasty to blame you for his shortcomings.

I am hoping beyond hope that your resolve is still strong and he is out of your life completely.