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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this the start of controlling behaviour?

144 replies

EachUisge · 07/02/2012 17:09

I just want to know if I'm being a bit over cautious. I haven't been in a relationship for many years, and I met this guy around 3 months ago.

He told me he loved me after a month, which I didn't respond to, it takes me ages to love anybody. He wanted to make plans for holidays much later in the year, I wasn't so keen as still early days and I can not afford to lose time off/money if things went awry. He makes dinner for me once a week, which at first I found refreshing and kind. Now there are lots of comments about how well he treats me, how he enjoys looking after me and how no one will take such good care of me as he will.

The last time I spent the night, I questioned something he said, not an argument, but a difference of opinion. He can speak very crudely - he admittedly watches a lot of porn - and threw a few choice phrases about sex, the sex with exes in my direction while we were in the car. I said I wasn't comfortable with him speaking to me in that way and that I'd rather not hear about them. That night in bed he wouldn't kiss me goodnight or respond to any touch.

Today there was a moment or two where I saw a flash of temper. His water was switched off, so he filled a watering can with water so he could flush the loo. He came right up to my face and in a sarcastic tone, mocking me, said, "oooh, thanks very much, I can't believe how thoughtful you are (his name) I can't believe how lucky I am etc etc". My face must have been Shock as he said "what's that face for?"

Everything became fine again, then he was making a sandwich and lost his temper because his sandwich didn't look right. Not just a generalised grump, a proper rage. I finished making it when he stormed off to calm down, when he came back he said there was something really good on the radio. He switched it on and I found myself listening to a woman who had been stalked. He knew I had been through similar, I could feel him watching me throughout the broadcast. I felt almost like he was putting me in my place.

There is a little alarm going off, but I don't know if I'm being a bit over-sensitive or not. On the way back to mine it was like nothing had happened, he was cheery and upbeat, a total contrast to me. I felt like shrinking away inside myself. My gut is saying there is something a bit wrong here. Sad I would be grateful for any advice, TIA.

OP posts:
MrsWembley · 09/02/2012 00:05

Ooh bugger, x-posts. Didn't expect to see anyone at the mo.Blush

flymypretties · 09/02/2012 00:13

Oh look - another error. It should say soothe. I am blaming the monkeys and a slight bit of chocolate deprivation. Apologies.

Sleep well OP. I don't really do hugs but I will do so as it feels right and mrswembley said no one will see Smile

Original poster
EachUisge · 09/02/2012 00:16

Thank you garlic, and MrsW, you are so right about the fledgling hopes thing, and definitely right about feeling a bit sad thinking about what could have been. Off to bed now with my hot chocolate,

Night night all, Smile

(MrsWand fly, thanks for my illicit hugs, much appreciated)

OP posts:
Original poster
EachUisge · 09/02/2012 00:18

Sorry MrsW, bit of a bold fail there, Blush

OP posts:
solidgoldbrass · 09/02/2012 01:04

What an almighty bellend! Remember that - if your friends ask what happened, just say, 'Oh he turned out to be a bellend, so I dumped him.' Remember that it's not unreasonable to be a bit taken in by bellends at first but look at how smart and brave and strong you are! You binned him when he started acting up, you haven't spent years fretting and reading The Rules and suggesting couple-counselling and getting PG while his behaviour gets worse and worse and worse.
You've dumped him and now your life belongs to you again, not to some bellend.

izzyizin · 09/02/2012 03:31

feeling a bit sad thinking about what could have been

If you want to know what 'could have been', honey, read some of the threads on this board from women who've lived for years with, and have all but been destroyed by, controlling abusive manipulative twunts like the one you've mercifully got shot of after 3 months.

If he was able to verbally wound you so badly after such a brief time, think what he'd have been able to accomplish if you'd stayed with him.

Light a candle to your guardian angel - and one to mumsnet while you're at it - and give thanks that you've got off so lightly.

As for your fledgling hopes and dreams, leave them to roost until you meet the man whose own fledglings are a perfect match for yours and let them take flight together.

kodachrome · 09/02/2012 12:26

I'm so sorry he was so nasty to you. What a creep and stalker-type to wait for you by the dentist.

You are so so so well out of it. I hope you feel better soon. You know the only common denominator between you and his ex girlfriends was him - funny how it's always other people's faults for him.

If he bothers you again, don't be afraid to go legal on his arse.

TheLightPassenger · 09/02/2012 16:13

I know you won't fully feel it now, but you have had a very lucky escape, this man is foul. Deliberately turning up at an appointment to harass you is stalker behaviour.

MissHaviCLAM · 09/02/2012 17:36

I think you should be feeling terribly proud of yourself for having great gut instincts. The way he has behaved has just borne them out.
Well done. Wine

littlemeishere · 09/02/2012 19:02

He sounds like a total moron.

An ex of mine had a similar short fuse. One time we were making breakfast and he had to have everything timed so it was PERFECT. I said I'd put some baken beans in the microwave and put them on for too long so they ended up really dry.

He flipped, I mean went beserk over it.

I dismissed that incident eventually, only to later see how seriously unhinged he was when one night I told him he was an out-and-out tight arse (he was, no doubt there). He responded by going for my throat.

If you want to dwell on what could have been, remember my story.

CeliaFate · 09/02/2012 19:06

Poor you. At least now he's shown himself to be a complete c* you can get over him and not be tempted to give him another chance. If he'd shown he was upset or keen for you to try again with empty promises you may have been lured back. What a fuckwit.

Huge sympathy. It will be better tomorrow.

Original poster
EachUisge · 09/02/2012 19:28

I'm so sorry littleme and izzy, I've read a few threads today, and I know now my worries were little ones in comparison.

I don't know what the hell I was feeling last night. A real mixture of emotions. I know I'm lucky. His face changed yesterday, he didn't even look like him any more. He looked so pale from clenching his jaw, and just cold.

I'm on duty on Saturday night, thankfully the building is alarmed to the hilt - including silent alarms - so I will be safe.

OP posts:
brass · 09/02/2012 19:48

it's done now and you're doing really well Smile

flymypretties · 09/02/2012 20:10

Hope that things seem better today OP. Keep strong and heed littleme. He had his chance - he spectacularly blew it - he has been shown the door. The hard bit is done - you now have to stay strong, hold that lovely head of yours high and be thankful you are well out of it.

Original poster
EachUisge · 09/02/2012 20:42

I won't deny I'm in pain here, fly, but I know one thing. Everything has panned out in the best possible way for me.

I didn't expect to feel quite so bad today, the very personal verbal abuse has cut me to the core but I am truly grateful I'm in one piece.

I'm pleased he was cold and heartless yesterday, it just made the whole thing that little bit easier. I'm thankful, fly, I really am.

OP posts:
flymypretties · 09/02/2012 21:41

It wasn't just yesterday he was cold and heartless love. I suspect that is a permanent affliction. Indeed, the way he was so personal with his insults is proof of that.

The hurt that you are feeling will soon be replaced by a sense of relief. It just takes a little bit of time. x

littlemeishere · 10/02/2012 08:36

Stay strong. These types of people are so unpredictable. The sort of behaviour that you and I see totally off the wall is something that doesn't raise an eyebrow to them.

Talk about red flags... but my ex was home before me one day when I got home from work. I questioned why and he said he had been sent home from work for grabbing a guy around the throat. I freaked and he said the other guy was making it up. I asked why would anyone do that and he shrugged it off.

Months later when he did what he did to me, I realised he had done what the other guy had said.

It was terrifying - I was living with a psychopath.

Some people are very uninged, use abuse (and screaming right up in your face is abuse) to get their point across.

You have 100% done the right thing. Months in and he is already letting you see snippets of what he is capable of.

Maybe you are lonely, I don't know, but I have to question why you would miss someone that is really quite nasty.

Please, no matter if he begs or whatever, distance yourself from this guy. There are just too many red flags there.

Original poster
EachUisge · 10/02/2012 11:49

Littleme, the pain I feel is due to how he used something so, so personal to hurt me. I can't believe that another human being would be so cruel.

I can't stop crying, mainly because of the sheer horror I feel that I allowed someone like him to get close to me. I know his colleagues will have heard his rundown of me and the thought of seeing them - which I do on a daily basis - fills me with dread and shame.

I didn't let anyone near me for years after I was assaulted. I felt so safe in his arms, I loved just being held. I'd missed that so much. I'm sad that I didn't see the kind of man he was, I was thrilled that I'd met someone who treated me like a princess, I was utterly taken in. It's like my dad said, if something seems too good to be true...

I know I've done the right thing, I really do. I'm lucky that it's only my pride and dignity that's suffered.

I would have found it so much harder if he'd been nice to me that day on the street.

His cruelty and coldness made me realise he wasn't who I thought he was after all. That alone will give me the resolve to keep strong. Looking back now I see so many things that should have made me take flight long before.

Hindsight is indeed a wonderful thing.

OP posts:
kodachrome · 10/02/2012 12:01

His co-workers may not be taken in by him - someone like that can't help but let the mask slip from time to time. At least some of them will have seen glimpses of the truly nasty bastard underneath.

You have nothing to be ashamed of, head up, lady.

LiarsWife · 10/02/2012 13:55

I think you should be proud of yourself that you trusted your instincts and followed them ... you are truly on the right path now x

cuppatea2 · 10/02/2012 20:02

keep reminding yourself lovely, however bad he has made you feel now, he was capable of making you feel 10 or 100 worse if you stayed with him for longer

sleepymammary · 11/02/2012 10:14

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn as this poster has privacy concerns.

Original poster
EachUisge · 11/02/2012 10:50

Thank you for my Brew sleepy, and your kind and sensible words of support.

I had to go in to work to cover last night, and as I expected, I ran into a couple of his colleagues. I got a couple of comments, I expected that. One was ambiguous, the other most definitely wasn't.

I managed - thanks to the lovely posters on here - to hold my head up high and act with dignity. I was dying inside, I thought I was going to vomit at one point but I kept my expression neutral and steady. There will probably be more of the same tonight but hopefully there will be another topic of gossip for them before too long. I think it says more about them that they found my plight so amusing.

However, although things ended very badly, at least I know I am capable of feeling emotion again. I was so guarded for so long I never thought I'd feel anything ever again.

Every cloud. Smile

OP posts:
historyrepeats · 11/02/2012 11:01

Dump, he sounds vile.

ArtVandelay · 11/02/2012 11:01

So sorry about what you've been through. Can't believe his 'mates' are bothering you while you are trying to work. Can you speak to HR or your manager about this? I'm assuming these digs are of a sexual nature so you could get the book thrown at them I'm sure. Angry on your behalf - you should not be dealing with this at work.