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Original poster

Is this the start of controlling behaviour?

144 replies

EachUisge · 07/02/2012 17:09

I just want to know if I'm being a bit over cautious. I haven't been in a relationship for many years, and I met this guy around 3 months ago.

He told me he loved me after a month, which I didn't respond to, it takes me ages to love anybody. He wanted to make plans for holidays much later in the year, I wasn't so keen as still early days and I can not afford to lose time off/money if things went awry. He makes dinner for me once a week, which at first I found refreshing and kind. Now there are lots of comments about how well he treats me, how he enjoys looking after me and how no one will take such good care of me as he will.

The last time I spent the night, I questioned something he said, not an argument, but a difference of opinion. He can speak very crudely - he admittedly watches a lot of porn - and threw a few choice phrases about sex, the sex with exes in my direction while we were in the car. I said I wasn't comfortable with him speaking to me in that way and that I'd rather not hear about them. That night in bed he wouldn't kiss me goodnight or respond to any touch.

Today there was a moment or two where I saw a flash of temper. His water was switched off, so he filled a watering can with water so he could flush the loo. He came right up to my face and in a sarcastic tone, mocking me, said, "oooh, thanks very much, I can't believe how thoughtful you are (his name) I can't believe how lucky I am etc etc". My face must have been Shock as he said "what's that face for?"

Everything became fine again, then he was making a sandwich and lost his temper because his sandwich didn't look right. Not just a generalised grump, a proper rage. I finished making it when he stormed off to calm down, when he came back he said there was something really good on the radio. He switched it on and I found myself listening to a woman who had been stalked. He knew I had been through similar, I could feel him watching me throughout the broadcast. I felt almost like he was putting me in my place.

There is a little alarm going off, but I don't know if I'm being a bit over-sensitive or not. On the way back to mine it was like nothing had happened, he was cheery and upbeat, a total contrast to me. I felt like shrinking away inside myself. My gut is saying there is something a bit wrong here. Sad I would be grateful for any advice, TIA.

OP posts:
lottiegb · 07/02/2012 17:30

A bit wrong?!! He sounds like a moody, unpredictable, volatile, manipulative idiot - because that's what you've told us he is. He mocked you - and you thought 'oh well, that's just part of how people get on with each other?' No it isn't.

You knew exactly what sort of answers you'd get by posting here, so yes, you were right to want those answers to confirm a decision you've really already made.

Original poster
EachUisge · 07/02/2012 17:32

You're right Giraffes, the other night's behaviour did repel me. It was almost like I was some sort of object.

Today just amplified that feeling. I must admit I've been a little bit blinded by the attention, I could kick myself.

OP posts:
LikeItsGolden · 07/02/2012 17:34

He sounds like a tit.

AvonCallingBarksdale · 07/02/2012 17:35

OP, don't stay with this man. None of what you've written in your post sounds good. Clock it up to experience, and go.

singingprincess · 07/02/2012 17:43

Your gut is telling you stuff for a reason.

Run away.

kodachrome · 07/02/2012 17:45

Yuk. The bit about him putting on the radio for the stalking story - that's proper freaky freaker time - sounds like he was getting off on reminding you about your experience.

Added to which the hints that no-one but him could be as good to you and rages over sarnies? If someone has to go off and calm down about a sodding sandwich, then what's he going to be like over something important?

Bin time.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/02/2012 17:46

Don't just walk away, run for the hills. Listen to your inner voice/gut; that is rarely if ever wrong.

He sounds like a right headcase who actually detests all women. You involve yourself any further with him at your peril.

izzyizin · 07/02/2012 17:48

End it now and praise the lord he's shown his true colours before you got further involved with him.

Lizzabadger · 07/02/2012 17:50

Another one saying loads of red flags - run.

TimeForMeAndDD · 07/02/2012 17:51

Lot's of red flags here, run for the hills OP.

Sparks1 · 07/02/2012 17:52

He loses it because his sandwich "doesn't look right"!?

I'd say he's a few short of a picnic...

tanfastic · 07/02/2012 17:54

I would be running for the hills. He sounds like a giant knob.

Lizzabadger · 07/02/2012 17:55

He sounds like the sort of person who may stalk you himself, once you've ended it. If this happens don't hesitate to involve the police (and stay safe and document everything).

RachelWalsh · 07/02/2012 17:59

This doesn't sound good at all OP and I think you are well aware of that. I would end it now.

Original poster
EachUisge · 07/02/2012 18:00

The radio thing freaked me out the most. The one period in my life where I was extremely vulnerable and listening to the woman just put me right back in that mindset.

I must learn to drive. He lives in the middle of nowhere, no landline and no mobile signal for a mile or so. I hated that I was reliant on him to take me home after he'd behaved so weirdly.

When he calls tomorrow I'll tell him that's it.

OP posts:
RabidEchidnaAteLittleDorrit · 07/02/2012 18:04

RUN

brass · 07/02/2012 18:16

just from what you've described I'd be thinking of getting out simply because this early on in the 'relationship' you should be totally loved up and not having to field weird behaviour and mood swings.

brass · 07/02/2012 18:21

and I agree with Attila - the way you described him, made me think he doesn't like women full stop.

racingheart · 07/02/2012 18:26

Get out. Don't go back. Make sure he knows 100% that you have no intention of getting back together with him. Don't send him mixed messages. Have people around you when you finish it. He sounds very creepy.

singingprincess · 07/02/2012 18:31

And he lives an isolated life...no land line? Fucking hell!

It sounds like the beginning of a 1980's horror film!

Disappear into the crowd...fast.

garlicfrother · 07/02/2012 18:32

Good for you :) I'm sorry it's not turned out to be what you hoped - but your radar seems to be in working order! For the record, I'd run a mile from anyone who "rages" these days (except certain members of my family, I'm stuck with them.) It's irrational behaviour and I've now seen - and recognised - it described as a "flash of anger" in the early stages of an abusive relationship. It's a boundary-checking thing, as was the creepy choice of radio show.

Yes, learn to drive! That'll keep you busy for a while Grin

singingprincess · 07/02/2012 18:32

...and learn to drive! Blimey!

suburbophobe · 07/02/2012 19:00

OMG, run run run as fast as you can from this freaky control freak!!

I only need to read these:

how no one will take such good care of me as he will.

sex with exes in my direction while we were in the car. I said I wasn't comfortable with him speaking to me in that way and that I'd rather not hear about them. That night in bed he wouldn't kiss me goodnight or respond to any touch.

there was something really good on the radio. He switched it on and I found myself listening to a woman who had been stalked. He knew I had been through similar, I could feel him watching me throughout the broadcast.

in a sarcastic tone, mocking me, said, "oooh, thanks very much, I can't believe how thoughtful you are (his name) I can't believe how lucky I am etc etc". My face must have been shock as he said "what's that face for?"

Sorry you're having to go through this, love.

suburbophobe · 07/02/2012 19:01

....creepy control freak....

solidgoldbrass · 07/02/2012 19:02

Yup, bin him. ANd bear in mind that if he acts up and starts pestering you, it's fine to call the police and have him warned off, and indeed to take things further if necessary.
SHow no mercy. Do not agree to 'talk things over'. And absolutely not in a million years should you agree to go back to his creepy old killing ground deserted house to do so.
DOn't worry. You're brilliant, you;ve recognised the red flags and you're acting on them.

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