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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this the start of controlling behaviour?

144 replies

EachUisge · 07/02/2012 17:09

I just want to know if I'm being a bit over cautious. I haven't been in a relationship for many years, and I met this guy around 3 months ago.

He told me he loved me after a month, which I didn't respond to, it takes me ages to love anybody. He wanted to make plans for holidays much later in the year, I wasn't so keen as still early days and I can not afford to lose time off/money if things went awry. He makes dinner for me once a week, which at first I found refreshing and kind. Now there are lots of comments about how well he treats me, how he enjoys looking after me and how no one will take such good care of me as he will.

The last time I spent the night, I questioned something he said, not an argument, but a difference of opinion. He can speak very crudely - he admittedly watches a lot of porn - and threw a few choice phrases about sex, the sex with exes in my direction while we were in the car. I said I wasn't comfortable with him speaking to me in that way and that I'd rather not hear about them. That night in bed he wouldn't kiss me goodnight or respond to any touch.

Today there was a moment or two where I saw a flash of temper. His water was switched off, so he filled a watering can with water so he could flush the loo. He came right up to my face and in a sarcastic tone, mocking me, said, "oooh, thanks very much, I can't believe how thoughtful you are (his name) I can't believe how lucky I am etc etc". My face must have been Shock as he said "what's that face for?"

Everything became fine again, then he was making a sandwich and lost his temper because his sandwich didn't look right. Not just a generalised grump, a proper rage. I finished making it when he stormed off to calm down, when he came back he said there was something really good on the radio. He switched it on and I found myself listening to a woman who had been stalked. He knew I had been through similar, I could feel him watching me throughout the broadcast. I felt almost like he was putting me in my place.

There is a little alarm going off, but I don't know if I'm being a bit over-sensitive or not. On the way back to mine it was like nothing had happened, he was cheery and upbeat, a total contrast to me. I felt like shrinking away inside myself. My gut is saying there is something a bit wrong here. Sad I would be grateful for any advice, TIA.

OP posts:
MrsWembley · 07/02/2012 19:13

Yep, you've made the right decision here! But with the stalker thing in mind, maybe watch out for a bit, once you've told him it's not working 'coz it's not you, it's me', to make sure he's not doing it too.?

MrsWembley · 07/02/2012 19:15

Sorry, sgb, just repeated what you'd said.Blush

pinkyredrose · 07/02/2012 19:19

He sounds like a prize tosser. I wouldn't wait till tomorrow, call him now and say yoh don't think it's working.

You sound lovely OP you deserve alot better than him.

BackToBligg · 07/02/2012 19:25

It's a bit Stephen King. Definately bin.

Hope you find someone lovely OP.

Dozer · 07/02/2012 19:25

Sgb is right. End it by phone then nil contact.

PattiMayor · 07/02/2012 19:39

And when you end it, let him say one sentence, whatever it is (omg, blimey, can I change your mind, you fucking bitch, whatever) and then say goodbye. Then turn your phone off. Block his number before you call him too.

Sorry he's an arse but yay at you listening to your alarms. They're our best friend when it comes to dodgy relationships

neuroticmumof3 · 07/02/2012 19:43

Definitely dump him asap and do not be persuaded to go back to his house to talk it over or anything. He sounds disturbing and you should avoid like the plague.

SparklyRedShoes · 07/02/2012 19:48

End it or i'm afraid you'll end up repenting at leisure. He sounds like a big stroppy kid. With a lot more power.

Original poster
EachUisge · 07/02/2012 19:49

Sadly, I will have to wait for him to call, his mobile has no reception either. He did speak about getting a landline put in after I mentioned my work would sometimes need to get in touch with me.

He was supposed to get this done last week but it never happened. I thought the isolation of his house was a bit romantic until the other day.

I find it quite worrying that I actually questioned whether or not I was being over-sensitive. Like I said, maybe I was a bit blinded by the attention and a couple of grand gestures. Lesson learned.

And I will be careful after I call him. Thank you, you've all been so lovely.

OP posts:
kodachrome · 07/02/2012 19:57

A bit of tweaking to the old radar needed. But at least you've caught on fairly quickly. That's a win.

If he cries or makes you feel guilty, stay strong as well as if he reacts in anger. On no account meet up with him to discuss it.

ImperialBlether · 07/02/2012 20:03

Oh god, he sounds awful! And living in a desolate house, too! OP, you have to break it off with him. Were you actually thinking of living with him? (You said something about work getting in touch with you, as if you intended living there.)

Original poster
EachUisge · 07/02/2012 20:19

Imperial, oh no, I promise I wasn't thinking about moving in! No, I work a three/four day week, and when he's picked me up it's been quite early in the morning, I stay over that night and get taken home fairly late the next evening. I would usually be there for about 36 hours.

Because I have no children, work can rely on me to pick up a shift if someone falls ill. When I was staying over, I checked my phone twice a day, he would drive me as far as the main road so I could get a signal. Far from ideal, I know.

OP posts:
SilverSky · 07/02/2012 20:19

He sounds like a loose cannon who can switch his personality at the drop of a hat.

He clearly likes to see you squirm eg the radio thing. What a dick.

I too would be highly concerned about his behaviour.

I do hope that the Dear John call is without incident (he may flip) and that is the last you hear of him.

Good luck. You deserve better.

BayPolar · 07/02/2012 20:30

Case closed.
One would hope.

Hardgoing · 07/02/2012 20:50

I am probably being a bit dozy, but how are you going to call him tomorrow if he has no landline and no mobile signal?

That alone is highly strange, no need to question further, ditch and move on and change your own mobile no if necessary

Original poster
EachUisge · 07/02/2012 21:03

Hardgoing, he will be at work tomorrow so I will have to wait until he calls me.

He usually switches off his phone while he's at work, he rings me when he's on lunch or break.

OP posts:
Heleninahandcart · 07/02/2012 21:13

Good on you for recognising him as a nasty little man. Dump and don't get drawn into any discussion about it.

When I was staying over, I checked my phone twice a day, he would drive me as far as the main road so I could get a signal. Far from ideal, I know Quite apart from everything else, this set up makes him sound like Normal Bates with a watering can.

glastocat · 07/02/2012 21:43

He sounds like a total creepy weirdo. Please do what everyone here says and get rid!

brass · 07/02/2012 21:46

so in 3 months have you ever been able to contact him when you've wanted to or have you always had to wait for him to contact you?

out of interest what were his grand gestures? (I was stalked briefly - he sent flowers with a cab driver to my workplace etc)

Sarsaparilllla · 07/02/2012 21:47

Just to agree with everyone else, his behaviour is odd and you're right to listen to your instinct, good luck with telling him, hope it all goes without too much incident

IamSorenLorensen · 07/02/2012 21:48

I was once with someone very similar sounding. It didn't last long. I got out quick!

solidgoldbrass · 07/02/2012 21:49

Send him a letter by recorded delivery.
'Dear Norman fucking Bates Bloke
I'm writing to you because I can't get hold of you on the phone. I don't want to continue in this relationship, it isn't working for me. Have a nice life but please do not contact me again.'
EU.'
Because this man is creepy and wierd but not stupid. He's not going to call for several days, the idea being that you feel uneasy and guilty and therefore more inclined to forgive him when he does call - also, he will want to deprive you of the opportunity of dumping him. SO doing it by letter means you assert your own power and it's also handy to be able to say you did so if he does get stalkerish.

Original poster
EachUisge · 07/02/2012 22:00

I'm actually a bit embarrassed as I write this, but no; I can honestly say I've never been able to just call him if I wanted to. I could leave a voicemail/text obviously but not just call and know I'd reach him for a chat.

The grand gestures? On our second date he took me to my favourite city/art gallery. A seven hour round trip by car.

When I first stayed over he gave me a card saying things like how he knew I was going to be someone special in his life, etc.

OP posts:
brass · 07/02/2012 22:03

weirdo

OhdearNigel · 08/02/2012 00:07

he's behaving like a massive knob already and you're only 3 months in. Imagine what he would be like in 7 years when the novelty has worn off adn you have a couple of children. it doesn't sound as if you're head over heels in love so if I were you i'd ship on out