Is this the start of controlling behaviour?

[EachUisge]

I just want to know if I'm being a bit over cautious. I haven't been in a relationship for many years, and I met this guy around 3 months ago.

He told me he loved me after a month, which I didn't respond to, it takes me ages to love anybody. He wanted to make plans for holidays much later in the year, I wasn't so keen as still early days and I can not afford to lose time off/money if things went awry. He makes dinner for me once a week, which at first I found refreshing and kind. Now there are lots of comments about how well he treats me, how he enjoys looking after me and how no one will take such good care of me as he will.

The last time I spent the night, I questioned something he said, not an argument, but a difference of opinion. He can speak very crudely - he admittedly watches a lot of porn - and threw a few choice phrases about sex, the sex with exes in my direction while we were in the car. I said I wasn't comfortable with him speaking to me in that way and that I'd rather not hear about them. That night in bed he wouldn't kiss me goodnight or respond to any touch.

Today there was a moment or two where I saw a flash of temper. His water was switched off, so he filled a watering can with water so he could flush the loo. He came right up to my face and in a sarcastic tone, mocking me, said, "oooh, thanks very much, I can't believe how thoughtful you are (his name) I can't believe how lucky I am etc etc". My face must have been as he said "what's that face for?"

Everything became fine again, then he was making a sandwich and lost his temper because his sandwich didn't look right. Not just a generalised grump, a proper rage. I finished making it when he stormed off to calm down, when he came back he said there was something really good on the radio. He switched it on and I found myself listening to a woman who had been stalked. He knew I had been through similar, I could feel him watching me throughout the broadcast. I felt almost like he was putting me in my place.

There is a little alarm going off, but I don't know if I'm being a bit over-sensitive or not. On the way back to mine it was like nothing had happened, he was cheery and upbeat, a total contrast to me. I felt like shrinking away inside myself. My gut is saying there is something a bit wrong here. I would be grateful for any advice, TIA.

Book those lessons! Then you'll be able to drive yourself to art shows :)

He doesn't sound normal to me. Weird behaviour this early on is a sign that it's time to get out! And whatever you do, don't go to his house again!

Good luck today, OP! Keep strong, the bloke's an arsehole.

OP, I've just checked back and pleased to see you've made the right decision!!

I also agree with writing a letter actually, he isn't stupid he's malicious and devious and will seek to control in any way he can.

Don't see him again, don't go to his house again and when you've dumped him, don't speak to him again. I don't know you, but I don't want to be hearing about you on the news either. Good luck. x

EU I had chills just reading your OP. His behaviour seems so sinister.

Not much to add to all the good advice, just wanted to give my support. Hope you have this weirdo out of your life asap

Remember there are nice normal people out there too and you can meet them if you want to. Don't let this experience hold you back.

It is easy to be impressed, relieved or even grateful for positive attention after a long gap and you can lose a sense of your own value and forget how the dating game works. That can mean you're (I've been) a bit naive or too nice or easily impressed and some normal people will be put off by that, as it's easier to deal with confident people, while needy or manipulative people will spot it and get clingy. So, while not knowing anything about your situation, I'd say just have fun for a bit, don't take people too seriously and good luck.

I'd actually just send a text message.

Yes, so would I.

Another one here to add to the 'ditch him' throng!

He sounds terrible.

Alot of porn = issues. Rages over tiny things : worst sign. Then acting like nothing has happened, personality disorder. Get yourself free.

Oh love. Yet another one here saying get thee sen right out of there. Now . This man is a wrong 'un and you know it deep down. Have your friends or family not picked up on it? I'd be surprised if they haven't.

I too understand what lottie said - it is really easy to have your head turned when you haven't dated for a while. Thankfully you have been clever enough to notice the warning signs.

I wish you strength for the call today. Be mindful of the fact that he will probably be cutting and cruel because he will realise you are not under his control. Pay no heed to his insults or comments - they will be his last attempt to make you feel vulnerable so that you stay with him. If he starts on that tack, just tell him goodbye and hang up immediately.

Please don't meet up with him to discuss this further. And on all that is holy do not go back to his house. Please. Just don't.

Let us know how you go.

DREADFUL DREADFUL

HEAD FOR THE HILLS SHARPISH

Hope everything's ok today. Have you spoken to him, or sent him a text?

yes OP where are you? please update us if you can.

Oh Lottiegb, you just described me to a t, grateful/impressed and relieved. I feel so bloody pathetic for that. I knew he would be difficult on the phone, so I did send him a text.

There was no reply to this. Unfortunately a couple of weeks ago I'd told him about my appointment at the dentist. He waited outside. He was so, so, cruel. Don't worry, he didn't hurt me physically. He did however, get extremely personal and beyond hurtful to the point where I'm a bit of a wreck. I'm so sorry I couldn't log on earlier but for some reason my mobile won't let me. Ongoing problem with ruddy phone. I can, however, read your posts, and I am so thankful for them, they kept me strong.

I now feel as worthless as any person could feel. I am safely at my dad's house, he is being very kind to his blubbering heap of a daughter. I know tomorrow I'll be a bit stronger, but tonight no.

I've blocked his number from my mobile, and I'd never given him my home number or email so I'm safe in that respect. Now I am beating myself up about the way he'll speak about me to his next girlfriend, like the way he spoke about his previous girlfriends to me. It is just words. But I am sobbing like a baby here. It's hurting a lot more than I ever thought it would, I don't know if it's just the humiliation, or the fact he turned it all round to be my fault or that he was just so hurtful about something so personal. I know I've done the right thing for sure, especially after seeing him in action today.

Sorry for taking so long to update you all, I swear you will never know just how much your support meant to me. Yes, I'm hurting, but I'm not hurt hurt and for that I am truly grateful. I know my troubles are small potatoes compared to some, but for today, they seem a bit hard to get over. A good night's sleep will do me the power of good. Again, thank you for confirming that he was a wrong 'un. I knew it, and by jingo he fairly confirmed it today.

x

Each, I'm so sorry he was like this, how awful for you. But it has confirmed your antenna is working, he was bad news. Thank goodness you are out of this situation. I would be a bit cautious, he does sound like the kind of person who wouldn't take rejection well, so do change your number/block your phone and don't have any contact, not even to explain.

So glad you have your dad to look after you. Don't feel worthless, you aren't worthless, you are a very sensible girl who listened to her gut and who had a lucky escape.

P

Oops, meant to say poor you. You are well well rid of him. Keep strong and tomorrow it will be easier.

How awful, poor you. But thank goodness you've got rid of him sooner rather than later?it would have been even worse if you'd been with this horrible man for years rather than just a few months. Then he'd have known even more buttons to press to hurt you.

Sweetheart, he did indeed revert to type and he wounded you. You have done the right thing in ending this and I am so sorry that he has hurt you. He will probably come over all contrite and give you a grand gesture in the shape of a gift but bin it. Or get it displayed prominently in a charity shop. Just don't entertain it. Grand gestures are all very well, but it is the little ones that matter. Like responding to a touch or having a kiss goodnight when you have a disagreement. Anyone who ignores the little gestures is not worth your time. At all.

Don not concern yourself with what he has to say about you to the next poor soul. You know the truth and if mutual friends ask why, just say he wasn't quite the person you thought he was. That way it isn't nasty though he bloody deserves it but it will certainly get them thinking.

You have done so well by getting him out of your life. I'm sure a lot of us have been taken in by nonentities like him - you have been strong and got yourself out of it before your life has been changed beyond all reason. Take comfort from that and let your family help you through this.

If he gives you any more grief I will set my little wingyed monkeys on him

Winged. Obviously

Thank you Hardgoing, booboobeedoo, Lesser and fly, I appreciate your lovely words. My old dad has been an absolute star, I half expected a bit of a lecture but I think he can see how distressed I am and is just attempting to make me feel better with proper hot chocolate and toast. I am shaking, I can't stop, I can't believe I've got myself into such a state.

Tomorrrow is another day, eh? I'm lucky really, just my dignity walloped right out of the ballpark.

I am going to hold you to the wingyed (wingyed sounds meaner) monkeys borrow, fly, . My dad has just said he thought he was a bit up himself. That's as nasty as I've heard him speak about anyone in years.

The grief is mainly for your hopes of the relationship, isn't it? He's turned out to be a nasty bastard - and it is good that you spotted it sooner than later - but there are still all the fledgling hopes, the way we add the good bits together and imagine a good future ... all that.

So it's natural to feel bereaved. In essence, he conned you: built your hopes and stitched you up, so of course you'll also feel angry and perhaps a bit daft. But don't worry - you've done all the right things, including putting yourself somewhere safe & comforting tonight.

Well done. Sleep tight :)

Oh my, bloody hell, see how right you were!! Isn't it good to know your fuckwit radar works? I expect he was a bit cross with himself because he thought he'd found someone with a broken one.

Seriously though, vvvvv glad to know you're sobbing with your dad rather than unable to sob somewhere unknown.

Remember though, you're mourning what might have been with a normal person, not what might have been in this relationship. You're crying in pain at your mistake in picking him, not at the way you said goodbye and the things that he said.

Don't worry, no-one will see them at this time of night.

My monkeys are your monkeys - mean wingys and all

Now let that lovely dad of yours look after you - the toast and hot chocolate will sooth you - and forget about the sorry teat. x

Sorry for pinching that particular insult quiet ninja - I know it was an iphone correction - but I rather like it.