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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What is going on with him?!

123 replies

Beccarollo · 16/11/2003 23:01

Hi

Some of you may remember my thread about my DP drink driving??

Well, things are great at the moment, as well as the drink driving the last few weeks (correction, months, this behaviour has been happening since my pregnancy) have been hard, he is behaving like a total lad - he is quite young at 23 and not sure if its all a reaction to having a baby. He has been going out all the time with lads, not coming in when he says he will, not helping much with kids etc etc

Bit of history - I have been with him just over 2 years, we have a DS 10 weeks and I have a DD 4 years from previous relationship.

Prior to me getting pregnant he was GREAT, perfect partner material and now he is the total opposite at times, not all the time but enough for me to start to worry now.

Just wondering if anyone else had been through it.

Ive tried shouting, talking rationally, getting upset (even throwing curry!!) but while he is very remorseful at the time and seems to realise the effect he is having it doest seem to stop - tonight for example Im sitting waiting for him to come when he was due in hours ago, I rang him on his mobile before and he is drunk

Bit of a rant really! Sorry

OP posts:
Original poster
Beccarollo · 16/11/2003 23:09

Of course that was meant to say say things are "not" great at the moment

OP posts:
turnupthebass · 16/11/2003 23:26

Sounds like he is having a strange reaction to suddenly realising he hasnt got the freedoms he used to have any more to me - and maybe the freedoms that his same-age mates still have (going out getting drunk a lot when you have no responsibilities is quite usual?)

Also sounds like he needs to wake up pretty quick and realise the effect his selfish behaviour is having on others. The drink driving is just crazy - risking his own life and those of others for the sake of a few beers. And the unreliability of not being home when arranged is both incredibly selfish and worrying for you too.

He needs to get his act together and sort his priorities out.

Janstar · 17/11/2003 09:34

Hey, Beccarollo, this is pretty awful for you. I know, I had all this from my ex.

At the end of the day you can't make someone else behave how you want them to. But you can make it clear that this behaviour is unacceptable to you and that you will throw him out if it continues. Thereby exercising your right to live in peace rather than trying to change his behaviour. He is the only one who can do that.

With any luck he will weigh up what he stands to lose and get his act together.

Good luck - I'm grateful not to be in your shoes.

Twinkie · 17/11/2003 09:44

Message withdrawn

CountessDracula · 17/11/2003 09:47

Beccarollo, how terrible for you, you must be worried sick. I tend to agree that he is just reacting to the extra responsibility (he is young as you say, my dh was 23 when I met him and I can't imagine how he would have reacted to a baby then!!!)

I suspect he will get it out of his system and calm down soon. Sorry I can't be of any help xx

sobernow · 17/11/2003 09:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

doormat · 17/11/2003 10:04

IMO sobernow hit the nail on the head with the word "trapped".
This is how your dh may feel beccaroll.
I think the responsibility of a family has made him go on one IYKWIM.

My dh was like this for a few years until one day I thought sod it, if I cant beat him I will join him.So whenever he wanted to go to the pub I made sure he took me too.I put him on a guilt trip that he could out, so could I and enjoy myself I did and still do. It has calmed down now because we have had our fun IYKWIM.

Why not give him an incentive to still act partly like this but with you.
ie get a babysitter in and organise a night out together
once aweek, fortnight, month whatever is acceptable and suitable for you both.That way it will give him and yourself something to look forward to.He will also see you in a different light.
I am not saying you have to but sometimes men see us as boring , nags who dont like to enjoy themselves- too busy with the house and kids(ok we are but I am speaking from a mans perspective)
HTH.

Original poster
Beccarollo · 17/11/2003 10:16

Things have got much worse since I posted this message - he arrived back last night at 3am, he was so drunk trying to get into bed that he fell over and fell on DS (10 weeks) moses basket, well Im afraid I lost it and screamed and shouted, cried and screamed - he just responded with a load of excuses.

I also have an ex that behaved like this, thats why its so so awful to find myself back in the situation - anyway I told him I couldnt let myself go through it again so wanted him out til he could prove he wanted to stay, he just stared at me like a rabbit in headlights, not sure if he was too drunk to speak or just didnt want to bother. I went to bed, cried myself to sleep and he has gone to work this morning

OP posts:
doormat · 17/11/2003 10:21

Beccaroll what a worry for you.Ignore most of my previous smessage as didnt realise it was that bad a situation (I thought it was just a few pints down the pub)He is obviously becoming a danger to your baby when he is in that state.

If I was you I would give him an ultimatum
pack it in or get out.

Hugs
xxx

kando · 17/11/2003 11:21

Beccarollo,

I just wanted to say how sorry I am that you are in this horrible situation with your DP. Hopefully after his dreadful behaviour last night (and your reaction - I think I would have gone one further and given him a whack if he were my DH), he will now wake up and "smell the coffee" - before it's too late. I have to say my heart leapt into my throat when you said he fell on your DS's moses basket. I hope you are all OK. Thinking of you.

Original poster
Beccarollo · 17/11/2003 11:35

Thanks - Im at the point now where something needs to be done as I cant have it continuing - its happened often enough for it to be a big problem and not a one off or anything. As well as falling on the baby he woke my 4 year old up who told me she wanted me and her to get a house without him - broke my heart

Just trying to come up with a plan of what to do next

I feel so utterly crap that this is happening

OP posts:
aloha · 17/11/2003 11:45

Beccarollo, I'm so, so sorry about this. I would, however, take what your 4-year-old says very seriously. You are right, you can't go on like this. Again, very much sympathy.

Norma · 17/11/2003 12:01

So sorry to hear what you are going through.
Is there any part of you that wonders whether he may have a drink problem? I divorced my first husband when he was 24 and after we had two children, and after many scenarios just like the one you described last night. I knew that the problem was an alcohol one but all his family said 'no ... he just likes a drink'. It really helped me to go to an 'al anon' group which is a great support and mind focusser for family and friends of those with alcohol problems.
My ex is now 39 and has been a slave to alcohol now since then and it is obvious to all that he is an 'alcoholic'. When they are in their early twentys it isn't always too distinguishable from normal laddish drinking.
The protection of yourself and your children must be your first priority, and I hope you have support from close family and friends. Dry your tears and remember you are a woman and therefore stronger than you think. Take care and keep posting xxx

CountessDracula · 17/11/2003 12:04

But surely the fact that he was not like this before your ds was born must mean that it is a least partially a reaction to the stress of being a father for the first time? It sounds like he just can't voice that feeling.

Original poster
Beccarollo · 17/11/2003 12:07

It has definitely only started since my pregnancy - not sure if its reaction to fatherhood/taking me for granted or thinking he can stop trying now I have his child

OP posts:
CountessDracula · 17/11/2003 12:08

How long have you been together beccarollo?

Original poster
Beccarollo · 17/11/2003 12:08

2 yrs and I have daughter from previous relationship

OP posts:
CountessDracula · 17/11/2003 12:26

Maybe he thought having a baby would be like having another one of your dd - and now he has found out that a newborn is a different kettle of fish altogether?

Original poster
Beccarollo · 17/11/2003 12:37

I think you have a good point there as he has said he doesnt know what to do with babies but finds megan easy BUT Harvey is very good baby and he is practically uninterrupted by him being here. I havent stopped him from doing anything he still goes to football, gym, out with lads but only now he is doing them and taking the piss as well??

OP posts:
dadslib · 17/11/2003 13:12

Message withdrawn

sobernow · 17/11/2003 13:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

codswallop · 17/11/2003 13:34

Br all this and no sleep too.
My sympathy.

Twinkie · 17/11/2003 15:17

Message withdrawn

Original poster
Beccarollo · 17/11/2003 23:07

Thanks for the messages and support guys, it helps

He rang earlier to "apologise for his disgraceful behaviour" and I told him exactly what I thought of him and how he was behaving and I wasnt prepared to tolerate it any more and certainly not now the children were affected. Ive told him not to come home tonight and have long hard think about what it is he wants.

Suppose all i can do is wait and see what happens tomorrow!

OP posts:
Janstar · 18/11/2003 12:39

Well, he phoned and apologised, that's a step in the right direction and something to feel positive about.

I really think you are doing the right thing being tough with him. I think a lot of the time when people treat us badly it is because we let them. You are not letting him, and hopefully this behaviour will be nipped in the bud.

Good luck, again, please keep us posted.