What is going on with him?!

[Beccarollo]

Hi

Some of you may remember my thread about my DP drink driving??

Well, things are great at the moment, as well as the drink driving the last few weeks (correction, months, this behaviour has been happening since my pregnancy) have been hard, he is behaving like a total lad - he is quite young at 23 and not sure if its all a reaction to having a baby. He has been going out all the time with lads, not coming in when he says he will, not helping much with kids etc etc

Bit of history - I have been with him just over 2 years, we have a DS 10 weeks and I have a DD 4 years from previous relationship.

Prior to me getting pregnant he was GREAT, perfect partner material and now he is the total opposite at times, not all the time but enough for me to start to worry now.

Just wondering if anyone else had been through it.

Ive tried shouting, talking rationally, getting upset (even throwing curry!!) but while he is very remorseful at the time and seems to realise the effect he is having it doest seem to stop - tonight for example Im sitting waiting for him to come when he was due in hours ago, I rang him on his mobile before and he is drunk

Bit of a rant really! Sorry

We probably have the same prob if I'm honest, and I do know what you mean Jan. The benefits to him and in turn relationship are huge when he gets it (here anyway). Some nights I say ok tonight but he sits down to watch tv I run around doing everything and then feel too knackered to bother, that's the way it is here anyway. He told me the other night he had more sex when he was 16 and that so far this year we've had sex 5 times , I didn't realise he was counting but I also know that the best way to get our relationship on track again is for me to try harder but ooops I 've robbed the thread sorry Becca but they're all the same at the mo

I think in Becca's case her dp is being such an idiot that I'm not a bit surprised there's no sex on the menu. I suppose I meant that in general, if you have an otherwise good relationship, I think waiting until you want sex can just mean you never have it again and that would be a shame because it hurts your relationship. For lots of women sex isn't like a nice glass of wine that you really fancy all the time - and rarely fails to satisfy...

I was having major off-day yesterday after flaming row about pointless things with my own dp, so sorry if I came across as the sullen person I was undoubtedly being. But I still think he's being out of order generally. You poor love.

Thanks for all the input peeps, and sorry to those that are also having tought time with DP/H's.

Janstar, I see what you were meaning and that it wasnt that women should feel pressurised into something but I think, for me that until I get the underlying problems sorted, If I had sex to try and improve things I would just end up resenting him more - thank you for the advice though

He is in Leeds still and typical timing DS has decided to be poorly while Im on my own with the kids (although I am anyway really so I suppose makes no difference)

I definitely want to save relationship and I think my plan of attack will be somethng like this:

Draw a line under what has happened but set some sort of groundrules about how often he is out and about with his friends or in pubs etc, come up with fair way of him helping out with house and kids more.

Try and learn to enjoy his company again - a few nights out or in spending time with each other might help, something we NEVER do anymore.

Hopefully, if I can get the respect and trust back THEN I might consider having a sex life again and maybe then he will feel loved and wanted yada yada and stop treating me like shite!?

What do you think/?

I think this week away is going to be good for us - he is ringing every day - sometimes a few times and mostly seems to be telling me how much he is missing me and the kids. I told him tonight that its made me realise how little he does as I havent missed his presence at all ( I have missed HIM but not anything he does ) - he agreed he doesnt do enough and when he gets back we have agreed to come up with plan to ensure he helps enough with housework/childcare, we spend some time together as a couple, family and on our own etc.

aarrgh really need to vent - sorry!

Update is while he was away we had lots of productive conversations about making fresh start, making time for each other, helping more, he apologised etc etc

Picked him up from train station like a scene from Love Actually - baby strapped in sling, 4 year excitedly looking for him - lovely family reunion and nice night in together, I went out last night for a friends birthday - he nearly spoilt it a bit by coming in an hour late to babysit but I bit my tongue and thought lets not spoil it - went out had lovely night came home and was very loving with DP he reciprocated and things were all good - this morning things all fine, making a big effort to do things together and be really pleasant etc he suggested going out for lunch I said we can do if you like, Im supposed to be going to my mums later as she is making something but if you want to go out Ill not bother or go later on he said no no its ok we will just have something in the house - mum calls a bit later to say she has been held up so not sure what time she will be back I said Ill just leave it as have to collect DD at 4 and will be cutting it fine so will come tomorrow - in the meantime he is leaving as he goes to work this afternoon, my sister rang and asked if I was going to mums I said no as she is going to be late back so she said well why dont I come round and we will go for something to eat this afternoon.

He then drives off and seconds later get a text saying "In future Ill remember to put you second shall I" WTF?? I replied are you implying I havent put you first as Ive made a big effort all weekend and said I would go out with you if you wanted to but you werent bothered he sends back arsey reply and were back at square one!

This message will probably make NO SENSE but the upshot of it is that I have forgiven his behaviour and made real effort to keep things pleasant and at first opportunity HE accuses ME of not putting him first!!

Im thinking F**K it now, how do we make it work when he isnt prepared to put equal effort in and so ready to shoot me down and accuse me of being the one in the wrong

Beccarollo - I haven't got any constructive advice for you I'm afraid.

Just wanted to say that some men can be right self-centred twats! Send him one back saying "Sorry, no time to txt... I'm spending quality time with the dog"!!!!

Oh Becca, this must be so frustrating.

I hate it when people say things are OK, and then whinge about it later - WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY SO IN THE FIRST PLACE??

Still, in the scheme of things it is only a small piece of childish bitchiness at the end of a nice weekend. I would be inclined to let it go (but don't let it go if it happens again). Well done for the rest of the weekend by the way!

Thanks M2T - its soooo infuriating that he is trying to take moral high ground when this time 2 weeks ago he was off his tits in some pub and rolled in 12 hours late after neglecting to come home to see DD, talked to me like Shit, spent little time with kids or I etc etc etc

PS - didn't notice it was a text. Obviously he was too cowardly to say it to your face.

Unlike M2T, I would go for the guilt trip rather than the sarcy reply - "great weekend, love you" or something.

SenoraPostrophe - yeah, Im probably overreacting a little bit but it just totally deflated me and annoyed me as I suspect he is trying to accuse me of doing something wrong so he isnt seen as the one that needs to make amends any more.

I even gave him a BJ last night for gawds sake! How much more forgiving can I be!!!

He has big habit of not saying something at the time then coming out with it later and it drives me mad - my barriers have just gone straight back up and I just know we will be sniping at each other again later.

Maybe next time you ask him if an arrangement is OK, you should get the answer in writing?

Yeah and ask, ask again and ask again get him to confirm by phone fax and email that he isnt going to throw it back at me in manner of major flouncey badly done to act grrrrrrrr

lol! You even gave him a blowjob, now THAT is forgiving! If I gave DH one of those he would marry me all over again!

I know!!!!!!! Dont know what the hell came over me (NO PUN INTENDED) - I was expecting proposal this morning never mind this crap!

Oh becca you do make me chuckle.....the BJ comments are funny but you are mad, save such a gift for the wedding night!

As I suspected we have sat in silence most of the night

im new here and really want to have a moan about my boyf he is doin my bloody head in

Beccarollo... lock jaw.... tut tut tut.

Has he said nothing to you???

Niki19 - What's he done?

he moans says the house is untidy and ive been bloody cleaning all day why he swans off and does his own thing all day then when i ask him to look after the baby why i go on the net i get a big lecture i no it sounds petty but he drives me mad

I HATE MEN!!!!

Nikki - that does sound bang out of order! Are you and Beccarollo living with the same bloke??

M2T - arent you astute! I hadnt made the connection - omg that is definitely the last he is getting if it causes this - do you think doctor will know????

We had extensive text conversation where he kept maintaining I dont put him first then since we both got home not much has been said.