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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What is going on with him?!

123 replies

Beccarollo · 16/11/2003 23:01

Hi

Some of you may remember my thread about my DP drink driving??

Well, things are great at the moment, as well as the drink driving the last few weeks (correction, months, this behaviour has been happening since my pregnancy) have been hard, he is behaving like a total lad - he is quite young at 23 and not sure if its all a reaction to having a baby. He has been going out all the time with lads, not coming in when he says he will, not helping much with kids etc etc

Bit of history - I have been with him just over 2 years, we have a DS 10 weeks and I have a DD 4 years from previous relationship.

Prior to me getting pregnant he was GREAT, perfect partner material and now he is the total opposite at times, not all the time but enough for me to start to worry now.

Just wondering if anyone else had been through it.

Ive tried shouting, talking rationally, getting upset (even throwing curry!!) but while he is very remorseful at the time and seems to realise the effect he is having it doest seem to stop - tonight for example Im sitting waiting for him to come when he was due in hours ago, I rang him on his mobile before and he is drunk

Bit of a rant really! Sorry

OP posts:
codswallop · 23/11/2003 11:15

aha! have found you

Original poster
Beccarollo · 23/11/2003 11:16

huh?

OP posts:
codswallop · 23/11/2003 11:19

I left a message ont he other thread wondering how things were...

Original poster
Beccarollo · 23/11/2003 11:21

I see now, I read the other thread

How am I.....hmmmn... I seem to have done what I always do and let it pass. This is crap becuase it doesnt help us as I keep the resentment inside instead of giving it airtime and resolving it.

For example, he has been trying this weekend but Im always on the defensive - yesterday I was picking DD up from her Dads and was running late - DP rang asking what time Id be in I responded with "What time will I be in~??? Your getting on MY back for being a bit late when you take the piss and dont tell me where you are and stay out til late blah blah blah blah" I didnt realise until I got in that he was asking because he was making me a special tea and wanted it to be ready for me coming in - result was that he stopped cooking it made himself something to eat and was angry with me when I got in!! arrghh

OP posts:
Original poster
Beccarollo · 23/11/2003 11:21

He has got up this morning and gone to football, he then goes to his mums then to his sunday job - he is coming back at 6pm but then getting a train at 7pm to go away for the week to leeds on a course for work

OP posts:
forestfly · 23/11/2003 11:25

Sorry for going on, i've just seen this thread and your going through enough. My x did this, trying to be a lad before the responsibility came. He was young too

Original poster
Beccarollo · 23/11/2003 11:30

Isnt it so annoying FF - yes he is young but I am younger! I had DD at 18 but I couldnt use that as an excuse for not being a good parent - what would happen to the kids if I decided to have one last shot at being young!?! oooo they drive me mad!!

We were talking the other day and I said "you havent even tried to make amends, there have been no sorrys, or gestures or anything - he said he doesnt want to bring it up cos its disgusting the way he has behaved and doesnt like to think about it! Nice for you mate!!

This week apart will probably be good for us, hopefully he will miss us terribly and realise what he has!?

OP posts:
forestfly · 23/11/2003 11:35

Yes, they can be very selfish and constantly need to work out there own selves before giving anything to you. Women i think try to make everbody else happy before they are. Just my sexist opinion

Original poster
Beccarollo · 23/11/2003 21:39

Whilst talking to a friend just now I think its dawned on me what the problem is

SEX

When we were having regular sex he couldnt have been nicer, if I have sex with him I can guarantee next day he is lovely.

I couldnt have sex while I was pregnant due to constant bleeding and THIS is when the behaviour started and has carried on in this way as I have only had sex with him once since Harvey (11 weeks)

I cant believe its as simple as that - what do I do

The way I see it, me forcing myself to have sex with him just so he will be nice to me seems like prostitution of some sort!?!?

OP posts:
motherinferior · 23/11/2003 21:51

ERK.
I don't think you should if it's just to keep him sweet, myself. Go with what you want to do sexually. But others may well disagree!

Original poster
Beccarollo · 23/11/2003 21:58

I dont want to do ANYTHING sexually - I had put it down to breastfeeding but now not so sure.

Not even sure where to start with trying to untangle this one!

OP posts:
Original poster
Beccarollo · 23/11/2003 21:59

I dont want to do ANYTHING sexually - I had put it down to breastfeeding but now not so sure.

Not even sure where to start with trying to untangle this one!

OP posts:
harman · 23/11/2003 22:02

Message withdrawn

Original poster
Beccarollo · 23/11/2003 22:04

I was very drunk and if Im honest did it in an attempt to get nice boyfriend back, I knew by being drunk it would be more bearable as a means to an end (him being nice again)

OP posts:
Original poster
Beccarollo · 24/11/2003 11:19

any wannabe sex therapists about?

OP posts:
Janstar · 24/11/2003 12:41

I think it is definitely worth thinking about it, Beccarollo. I think women say too often that they are not going to have sex if they don't feel like it. It's elevated to some sort of divine status or even talked about as if it is some form of abuse. If he wanted you to cook dinner and you didn't feel like it you'd probably still do it just to make him happy.

I'm not saying anyone should ever be forced to have sex, that's different. But if the only problem is that you don't feel bothered about it, it could be worth making the effort to try and get in the mood. After all, we didn't marry our husbands not to have sex with them. When we married them we wanted a full life with good sex and it is a very special part of a marriage. It's one of the few things he can only get from you, so if you don't want to, he simply can't have any and that is a bit hard, I think, if you do love him and want him to be happy.

I don't however, think that this excuses his drink-driving in any way. But I think you are not interested in apportioning blame, are you? I get the impression that you are prepared to give more than 50% to sort out the problem and both find contentment together again.

If you do get that far, though, I would want to talk seriously about his running away into the comfort of alcohol when things got a bit tough.

motherinferior · 24/11/2003 13:28

Er...this is probably irrelevant, Janstar, but no, I wouldn't cook dinner under those circumstances. Why on earth would I? We don't have a strict rota but certainly if one of us really can't face it the other one does it.

Original poster
Beccarollo · 24/11/2003 14:00

Me too, infact as soon as I feel obliged to do something thats when I recoil and get annoyed that its "expected" and not appreciated

OP posts:
aloha · 24/11/2003 14:14

Beccarollo - how was sex when you actually did it? Did you like it or did you hate it? Personally (ahem) I usually liked it once it was actually happening even if I didn't feel much like it as a 'concept' iyswim. I'd usually (but certainly not always) give it a try if dh fancied it, but with the proviso that if I didn't feel like it we'd stop. I think if you wait to want to do it, you might never do it, sadly. MInd you, it is hard to think about doing it with someone you resent IMO. I don't think I could.

Original poster
Beccarollo · 24/11/2003 14:18

Im confused as to what my problem is and what to tackle first!?

OP posts:
Teletubby · 24/11/2003 14:25

I agree with aloha that once i start 'doing it' i actually find i enjoy it and the more i do it the more i actually find i want to be doing it. I go through stages whereby i don't feel bother and can't be bothered and feel annoyed that it seems everyone is making demands on me - kids, husband etc etc but it is an important part of a relationship and i always feel much happier afterwards.

Janstar · 24/11/2003 15:14

I tried very hard to word my post correctly and sensitively but didn't manage to get my point across properly! This subject is a minefield!

I wasn't talking about doing anything without appreciation being offered, or slaving away for someone else who is present and could do it for themself. When I mentioned cooking dinner I was thinking along the lines of a mother at home, with a husband who is at work, preparing a meal for everyone even though they don't really feel like doing it - knowing that it's beneficial for everyone else and an important contribution to the working of the family and the marriage and other peoples' well-being. I wasn't thinking of someone being used as a slave.

Similarly I wouldn't think it right for a woman to feel forced to have sex. But you gave the impression that you would like to resume that side of things if you could feel a bit more 'in the mood' and a bit less tired. I don't think there is anything wrong with making the effort under such circumstances, even if it is more for him than for you, especially if he is loving and appreciative and it gets you both talking again.

Bekki · 24/11/2003 15:56

Yes but hes being a complete idiot (sorry Becca but I don't think you'll disagree). Has no one else noticed? He goes in a major mard so then you have sex with him to cheer him up! Has the world gone mad? Don't do it Becca! Talk to him, get him to be more reasonable and then when/if you feel like it go ahead.

Bekki · 24/11/2003 15:56

Yes but hes being a complete idiot (sorry Becca but I don't think you'll disagree). Has no one else noticed? He goes in a major mard so then you have sex with him to cheer him up! Has the world gone mad? Don't do it Becca! Talk to him, get him to be more reasonable and then when/if you feel like it go ahead.

Janstar · 24/11/2003 17:48

I completely agree that it isn't right just to do it as a way of stopping him getting in a mood. that isn't what I meant to suggest. He needs to learn to treat you properly whether sex is on the agenda or not.

I was thinking about it as a separate issue. Wondering whether perhaps sometimes we do not realise how important sex is to our men and how they can often feel unloved without it. We want them to pay attention to what makes us feel good or hurt, so we should do the same for them. In no way did I mean that any woman should ever be emotionally blackmailed into it, though.

I wonder if there are any men on mumsnet at the moment that can explain what I mean, or correct me on this?