What is going on with him?!

[Beccarollo]

Hi

Some of you may remember my thread about my DP drink driving??

Well, things are great at the moment, as well as the drink driving the last few weeks (correction, months, this behaviour has been happening since my pregnancy) have been hard, he is behaving like a total lad - he is quite young at 23 and not sure if its all a reaction to having a baby. He has been going out all the time with lads, not coming in when he says he will, not helping much with kids etc etc

Bit of history - I have been with him just over 2 years, we have a DS 10 weeks and I have a DD 4 years from previous relationship.

Prior to me getting pregnant he was GREAT, perfect partner material and now he is the total opposite at times, not all the time but enough for me to start to worry now.

Just wondering if anyone else had been through it.

Ive tried shouting, talking rationally, getting upset (even throwing curry!!) but while he is very remorseful at the time and seems to realise the effect he is having it doest seem to stop - tonight for example Im sitting waiting for him to come when he was due in hours ago, I rang him on his mobile before and he is drunk

Bit of a rant really! Sorry

he is trying...

Beccarollo - I had a friend who went through similar problems with her partner and she found no amount of ranting and raving made a difference. It wasn't until she left him that he realised just what he had to lose and he calmed down, they got back together and now they're really happy. They've compromised with him going out one night a week on his own and her going out on her own too whilst taking it in turns to babysit. Then they get a babysitter so they can go out together twice a month and it seems to be working!

Agree with coddy - he is trying - maybe if you go out tomorrow you can have a nice evening together and talk it all through?

If he is going to get promotion and more money that would be good, wouldn't it?

Beccaroll go and enjoy your night out, let him pay thoughnot you.

Is he a lodger or what and how dare he criticise your spending especially when he is not contributing half (fair comment re mortgage as it is your house)but what about the rest of the bills.

Also the comment on the place being a mess- what does he expect, teach him a lesson and leave him to fend for himself and the kids whilst you go out on the razz.
Will he keep the place spotless then.

Sorry but you seem like a great girl and an even better mum, you dont need this sort of shite
Be strong and kick his arse into gear
hugs
xxx

Teletubby - that seems like a pretty fair plan - I think whenever we get this mess sorted we should have a plan for ensuring we have individual time each, time as a couple and time as a family.

Coddy, yes he is trying but does he mean it - he always agrees he is wrong and apologises - the words are all there but the behaviour remains

yes but this is GOOD behaviour...

Like yer pics btw - have commented on that thread

Thanks doormat

Thats the thing, i was actually quite proud of how much id got done yesterday and he came in stompign around moving a yoghurt carton into the bin that DD had just eaten while I was feeding DS - anal stuff like that - when he has the kids ive heard him telling harvey to "SHUT UP" he just doesnt know how to deal with him although in his defence he is getting better and is great with meg when he spends time with her.

He is not a lodger, although he pays about as much as one we live in this house as a couple as if it were both of ours etc etc

cant stand shut up - I send my ds1 to his room for that - maybe you could try?!!!

Poor Harvey, am going off dp

Ill feel like Im giving in and he doesnt have to try anymore if I agree to go out and have fun with him - although huffing and puffing round the house wont help anyone I suppose.

We RARELY spend time as a couple, havent for ages - all a vicious circle of him annoying me so not wanting to spend free time with him so we drift apart and resent each other etc etc

Yep - it made me cry when he did it

I went off it and he claimed he did it cos he was so frustrated, he did it a few times and I really got upset, he said would make big effort not to do it again and I havent heard it for a few weeks so that is one thing he has changed - I said you wouldnt tell me to shut up, you wouldnt tell meg to shut up so why him just cos he is a baby he will pick up on it and in turn get upset THAT'S why you think he wont settle

beccaroll sorry about the lodger remark, I was just being sarcastic
just sometimes men (some not all and women, shit I hate being pc sometimes)take the piss and it is us that kop the shite.
He is trying, just see how much effort he is going to make and make him work hard at getting you back to normal
hugs
xxx

oh sorry doormat, i wasnt offended in the slightest - you hit the nail on the head, he is living like a lodger, the reality is that he does take the PISS out of me by expecting that i do everything while we live as a supposed equal couple

I think he thinks Im his Mum

Oh Becca he does seem to be trying though doesn't he. Perhaps he's felt a little inadequate in the past not being able to contribute, and now there's a payrise on the horizon he feels more upbeat.
Oh shoot me now it's by making excuses for the blighters that has me in the position I'm in.
Go out have a good night together. I firmly believe that it is important that all couples get out on their own as much as poss, remember where they started etc

This sounds crap but with my free time Id rather see my friends - they are nice to me!

I once heard some advice which was if you want your relationship to survive then you have to stop thinking about what you want or what he wants but what your relationship needs. IF you want a relationship now I think what it needs is for you to respond to his overtures. You say yourself you don't spend time together. If your relationship is going to last you are going to have to get that sorted so why not start now?
You are beautiful and so are your kids. You do deserve a great life. You say your dp was a great partner once. he's behaving like an idiot but maybe he really is seeing how wrong he's been, has found it hard to adjust/cope with the changes in his life, but wants to be a better man. I really hope so.

I dont want to leave Harvey with a baby sitter tonight, Ive been trying hard all week to get breastfeeding sorted again since I had a bit of a blip and started giving some bottles.

Does anyone else have any ideas for things I can do to positively help relationship without actually going out on the town with him!

He was pleasant last night and talking about some training I want to do saying he will pay - so I think he definitely is trying

Beccaroll no offence but you NEED to go out, not as a way for your relationship to sort itself out but to give you a break.
Dont look a gift horse in the mouth
Go out and enjoy yourself

Have you got anywhere very local you could go to for a couple of hours between feeds ? Then get who ever is sitting to ring you if he wakes up and you can come back quickly if needs be - hopefully you'll get a few hours before you'd need to go back and you'll get a break. I think it often helps talking on more neutral territory, away from the pressures of home & children

hmmm I suppose I should accept to do something or he may never ask again!!

hmmm I suppose I should accept to do something or he may never ask again!!

hmmm I suppose I should accept to do something or he may never ask again!!

I'm sorry that you are going through all of this Becca. I don't want to jump on the band wagon but I'm having a very similar problem, infact I'm amazed about how similar our lives are. My h problem is his temper, which has been escalating since I became pregnant and out of control since ds2 was born. I had to make a choice a few days ago after a bad incident on whether to chuck him out or not. I could go on but just to let you know that if you want to have a good chat then you have my e-mail address.

Hi

Bekki - thanks for that I will email

Well, I did go out - with the girls to see Love Actually, it was brilliant, I Know that I missed an opportunity to work on the relationship but to be honest I really felt that it was a cop out going out to have fun with him, I dont feel he has done enough apologising to be at that stage and Im not even sure what I want to say when it comes to have big talks about where the relationship is going - SO I left him in charge and went to chill and laugh with my friends - it did me good

Gosh Bekki, Becca, I've been getting you two mixed up all through our pregnancies and now it seems that events are even more mirrored, things are getting better for me but just to say I'm thinking of you both (((())))
It serves to reassure me in ways that perhaps the effect of a new baby on our and our partners lives is never to be underestimated and that so many of us are having similar problems somehow makes it more bearable and understandable.
If only we all lived close by we could abandon those men with said babies and get out and have a laugh.
Becca glad you got out for a night even if not with himself, it helps to give you a breather and some perspective. Bekki I have a man with a temper too, it's never easy but was not meant to be this hard.
Again e-mail me too