What is going on with him?!

[Beccarollo]

Hi

Some of you may remember my thread about my DP drink driving??

Well, things are great at the moment, as well as the drink driving the last few weeks (correction, months, this behaviour has been happening since my pregnancy) have been hard, he is behaving like a total lad - he is quite young at 23 and not sure if its all a reaction to having a baby. He has been going out all the time with lads, not coming in when he says he will, not helping much with kids etc etc

Bit of history - I have been with him just over 2 years, we have a DS 10 weeks and I have a DD 4 years from previous relationship.

Prior to me getting pregnant he was GREAT, perfect partner material and now he is the total opposite at times, not all the time but enough for me to start to worry now.

Just wondering if anyone else had been through it.

Ive tried shouting, talking rationally, getting upset (even throwing curry!!) but while he is very remorseful at the time and seems to realise the effect he is having it doest seem to stop - tonight for example Im sitting waiting for him to come when he was due in hours ago, I rang him on his mobile before and he is drunk

Bit of a rant really! Sorry

gggggggggrrrrrrr wankhead

can i just scream

thanks

what's happening beccs?

Are you alright ... your last post wasn't too ensouraging. Hope you are OK

I let him come home last night on the promise that he did everything he could to make me feel loved, respected and wanted again - stupid me had images of being whined, dined and treated like a princess til I forgave him

He has come in tonight, stomped about giving off subliminal messages that he thinks the house is a mess - then LECTURES me on a credit card debt of 3k I have - bit rich since I finance the whole family (mortgage, insurance, furniture, bills, food, children, clothes, entertainment, baby stuff etc etc) with a £200 contribution from him a month and has even had a go about the £380 Im spending on a Baby Massage course I want to do that I really really want to do and for my future career development (resigned from my pre maternity leave job)

rant rant rant

Bit of a freudian slip there - I meant WINED not WHINED

Boy did I get WHINED ffs!

Message withdrawn

Blimey Becca just caught up with all of this. What a lot to deal with when Harvey is so young. Does he show much interest in him, give him the odd bottle, change nappy etc
He does seem to be behaving like a plonker but if there is an interest in his son, maybe there is hope.
However take heed of what your dd says also.
Best of luck ((())))

So how come he's doing all this going out with the lads stuff while you're getting yourself into debt financing the family?

He does sound like a bit of a plonker, although like angelmother says at least he shows interest in his son and has apologised for some things. That's not enough though (at least it wouldn't be for me) - would counselling be worth a try?

oh beccarollo I've only just seen this thread. I'm really sorry, I can't imagine what a stress this must be on you together with new baby etc etc. you sound very strong - I hope you sort this out in whatever way is best for you.

Good question about the financing..

Basically, when we met I was single mother to Megan and doing a damn fine job of it if I do say so myself

I had very good job, lived in a rented furnished flat. He as good as moved in fairly quickly but I never received any money off him as I still thought of it as MY house. I was fast becoming sick of paying rent but as I had no furniture of my own (I had Megan when I was 18 and moved out of home then, when I left Megans father I walked away with bin bags with clothes in and left the life we had built up together as he wouldnt do the decent thing and let us have the house - he still lives there with my furniture etc grrr but thats another story!). I decided, in a booming market that it was now or never to get on the property ladder so I bought the house Im in now. Only problem was because of furnished flat I had NOTHING! I decided it was better to get into a house I owned instead of wasting money in rent saving up for furniture so I went ahead with the sale and got a credit card to pay for furniture, electricals, curtains, everything basically! This amounted to 3k so I think I did a pretty good job really.

He does work, not in a very well paid job as he graduated last year and is on low wages until he completes his first year. He gives me 200 pounds a month (often less) and I only started insisting on this when I was expecting Harvey, so in 2 years together he has been paying me that for about 7 months now. Everything comes out of my bank and amounts to about 1100 all in - other expenses such as spontaneous purchases, days out, clothes etc are seperate to this.

The figures are

He gives 200
I pay 900
I bought my house and have made 30k profit
I have 3k owing on a credit card (0% interest at the moment)

He has behaved like a twat and is supposed to be earning my trust and respect again)

He dares to have a go at me for having this debt and [his words] "What has that money gone on" eerm HELLO did you think I grew a 3 piece suite, 2 beds, mattresses, bedding, curtains, wardrobes, white goods, electricals, paint, wallpaper, furniture etc etc etc in the garden to furnish the house and bought and subsequantly made a big profit on FFS.

I might sound very me, me, me but I have come so far since I got pregnant at 18, brought Megan up on her own until she was 2, got a job, financed all of our comfortable lifestyle and it hurts that he zooms in on the 3k debt as if I have failed in some way while he has spent his wages every month on what he sees fit?

I probably sound like a complete mug for letting this situation continue but to be honest I didnt have a problem with it - I earned enough to do it and Im generous like that - little did I know this was the gratitude I'd get!?

He doesnt see the problem with what he has said though.

let him read this thread becca!

god beccarollo, I think you sound fantastic to have done so much and been a mum as well. I don't know about the rest of your relationship but just from this thread alone it sounds like he is taking advantage of you and becoming a bit of a bully to boot. You have to work out whether this is something temporary caused by panic at becoming a father (and to be honest, he had 9 months to prepare himself for it so I'm not too impressed by that alone) or whether these are his true colours. And if they are, whether you are prepared to jeopardise what you've achieved and your strength and independence by staying in a relationship like this. Although I appreciate that he is Harveys dad and these things are never easy....

Don't stress about the money comment. He's just trying to attack you without you making him leave, and thinks this is a 'safe' way to make you feel bad, insecure, inadequate, defensive and generally weaken you. Don't let him. It's just laughable, or it would be if it wasn't your relationship at stake and you have a baby together. You certainly don't have to explain yourself to US. He's still lashing out and is all bittere. I don't know what else to say. You have so much to be proud of - don't let him put a dent in it.

blimey Br you have done well - all that for 3k is good.

I spent more than 3k on what Ive got but only had to rely on debt for 3k of it before you all imagine me with terrible furniture - even though I was desperate I still have style hehe

Its all a bit of a shock reading back what Ive written and your response - doesnt sound like my life at all but it has gradually become this without me noticing the change until WHAM Im in a shit relationship AGAIN

Thing is, how do you argue your point which you KNOW to be right and true with someone who wont listen.

Or seems to be listening and promises to change then goes and does something else!

You do sound generous!

But really, I think it would be much healthier to sit down and split the actual bills fairly. He is getting an easy ride, low wages or no low wages and maybe he doesn't see that (or maybe he does, feels guilty and takes it out on you).

Pay more towards the mortgage than him by all means, but I do think that he should pay a full half share of all the bills - either that or he should do more housework etc than you. The 30k profit is irrelevant really as it's theoretical money (unless you decide you want to sell up and buy a caravan, that is)

I know you're not moaning about the money, but IME inequalities start there and then spread to other things, if you see what I mean. He evidently feels he should have more say in overall household budget or he wouldn't be having a go at you - he should have more responsibility for it too.

Hope you get something sorted anyway.

other posts appeared while i was typing. Could just be a bully thing rather than a guilt/ignorance thing I guess. You'd know better than us!

becca, you don't sound "me me me" at all, what you have done is very impressive and it does sound as if he has taken advantage.

Assuming you want to stay together I think you need to sit down with him and tell him what you've told us, write it all out, and come to some agreement over how he is going to contribute in future - not just money but time and attention and maturity.

Good luck - hope this is just a blip and that he will pull himself together!

I think printing this thread out and leaving it for him to read might be an idea but I would imagine he would only get on the defensive that he had been publically slagged off on an internet site so it may be counterproductive

Mm, I can imagine he wouldn't be too pleased. You need to establish why he is behaving like this and if he does want to make a go of things now Harvey is here - assuming he does then you can give him the figures of what you've spent on furnishings, how much you contribute to the house and how much more he probably should contribute. Not sure how you're going to pin him down though - good luck!

How are things going - any better?

Well, didnt speak to him last night after my "lecture" I went round to my Mums and didnt come back til after he was asleep - he had gone this morning when I got up.

He rang earlier with what seemed to be some effort - he rang to tell me some good news that promotion was on the horizon and the pay will be loads better and "it will take the pressure off you". He also asked about arranging babysitters and taking me out tomorrow night.

Im not sure whether this is positive step or if I shouldnt allow him to fob me off??

What do you think?>