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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

If it weren't for ds

111 replies

meandmypickle · 04/02/2012 12:46

If it weren't for ds, sometimes feel it would be better to end it all.
Things awful atm (see other thread). Feel so trapped and so wish if i left h i would never have to see him again. But of course that can't happen because ds would still see him at least every other weekend. Part of me still loves him i think, but the whole relationship makes me so sad. Never regret having ds as he is the most totally adorable little boy and am amazed by the intensity of my love for him. I guess all mums are the same

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 04/02/2012 12:59

Don't let a man bring yu so low, love

He, or any other man, is not worth it

Original poster
meandmypickle · 04/02/2012 15:13

Thanks AF:) I remember you being very kind to me on another thread some time ago.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 04/02/2012 15:23

I really don't know why you haven't had any more responses.

Is everyone out playing in the snow

I don't know which is your other thread, but I couldn't see this and not respond x

Original poster
meandmypickle · 04/02/2012 15:27

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1395005-Huge-row-recovering-from-surgery
This is my other thread

OP posts:
cheesesarnie · 04/02/2012 15:32

i havent seen your other thread but didnt want to ignore.
whats making you stay?

Samiantha · 04/02/2012 15:33

Most mums are the same Smile. It most definitely wouldn't be better to end it all because awful situations pass in time, you just can't see that now. I understand what you mean because in the past I have thought the same. At the time I was utterly consumed with misery and saw no end to it, but it did end eventually.

I haven't seen your other thread, so I can't comment on your other situation, you would still have to see your DH, but every other weekend must be better than everyday if you're so unhappy.

All I can say is, stay strong. You need to be here.

swallowedAfly · 04/02/2012 15:34

here and will listen if you want to talk about it.

StewieGriffinsMom · 04/02/2012 15:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

neuroticmumof3 · 04/02/2012 15:41

Just read your other thread. I'm concerned that your DH intimidates and frightens you at times. From what I've read he won't take responsibility for making you feel like that and puts the blame on you. No wonder you feel so desperate, sounds like a miserable existence. Are you only with him because you're too scared to separate from him?

Original poster
meandmypickle · 04/02/2012 15:42

Thanks :) Its all on my otheer thread really - hug row - recovering from surgery

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 04/02/2012 15:43

I have read your other thread now. I don't have any different advice than the good stuff you are getting on there.

Did you read the Emotional Abuse thread that Bibi linked to ? The posters on there know exactly what you are talking about, and are a great resource. Some other people simply don't "get it" either because they are lucky they haven't experienced it, or think that everyone is as "strong" as they are.

You will be feeling at a very low ebb following your surgery (don't underestimate quite how much it takes out of you phsically and mentally).

Take care and don't make any drastic decisions before you are fully recovered x

Original poster
meandmypickle · 04/02/2012 15:52

Thanks all :) Yes I've read the link. Thing is he can be nice most of the time and if i don;t challenge him then things plod on ok.
Thanks for unerstanding about the surgery AF :) It was a 2.5 hr op under gen anaestetic. It was a week ago now but yes, dos take alot of of me i think! Third time in 1.5 years too
Can't believe h could be like that to me day after surgery :( Yes, i know i provoked it by accusing him of lying - think i was feeling extra vulnerable following op as he's lied before. If he'd said he didn;t like being accused, he knows i worry becuae of past and must be feeling crap becuase of op - it would all have been fine. Instead he ranted, banged and frightened me "because he was upset" Sorry, I know i'm repeating myself

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 04/02/2012 16:00

Don't worry about repeating yourself. Unlike him, we know how to listen.

He hasn't listened to you has he, about how his intimidating behaviour is making you feel

the smallest "stress" and he's at it again, with the shouting and low-level violent displays

he sounds very difficult to live with, and I don't blame you for leaving him last time

the problem is, he hasn't learned a lesson from that...and has carried on doing the things he knows were previoulsy a deal-breaker for you

that says a lot, especially as he knows you are in no physical and emotional state to deal with that fact

and yes, 3 surgeries in 1.5 years will be taking a massive toll on your resilience and anybody who doesn't understand that doesn't want to understand

ThePinkPussycat · 04/02/2012 16:04

Oh didn't know this thread was you. Hello again :)

No-one gets it unless they have been there. It all sounds so petty when you tell others and they think it's 6 of 1, half a dozen of the other. Again I say, concentrate on getting well again, perhaps you have too much time to think atm Sad

StewieGriffinsMom · 04/02/2012 16:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
meandmypickle · 04/02/2012 16:19

Thanks AF & Pink.
AF - thanks for acknowledging the effect of the ops. It's been a nightmare and others (in RL) have commented on how difficult it must be and how well i seem to deal with it. Most of the time i do, I tell myself it could be alot worse (which it could - it was just a badly broken bone) but i know my mobility will be a bit affected forever.
I hoestly dont think i could ever have behaved how h did to someone the day after surgery - and if i did i would be so full of remorse

OP posts:
Original poster
meandmypickle · 04/02/2012 16:21

Thanks Stewie :) He told me he hoped "next time i ruined everything it would be over something important"
His excuse for continuing the behaviour was that i uspet him

OP posts:
Original poster
meandmypickle · 04/02/2012 16:24

He's pretty much acting like nothing happened now - has been all week. I've been keeping away from him and only speaking to him when necessary. after a couple of days, he claimed he didn't know why i wasn't talking to him. When i told him it was because he frightened me with his behaviour, he said it was becuase i "took him for granted". i expect that menas that i should be in awe of him for taking/collectin gme from hospital, doing a bit of tidying while i was there and buying some flowers, yes they are nice things, but i would imagine most partners would do the same? I certainly wouldn't expect a huge round of applause it i did the same for him

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 04/02/2012 17:14

he is expecting massive accoldaes from you for doing what any partner should do as a minimum

those normal, average things should not cancel out the other behaviour that he knows is unacceptable to you

orthopaedic surgery is very invasive, and can be brutal (anybody that has ever seen the instruments they use would be horrified Smile )

AnyFucker · 04/02/2012 17:14

accolades

Original poster
meandmypickle · 04/02/2012 17:39

Thanks AF. Yes, even the surgeon said he had to be quite "aggressive" during th last op!!

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 04/02/2012 17:40

< shudder > poor you !

swallowedAfly · 04/02/2012 18:37

even if you do take someone for granted it doesn't justify aggressive and frightening behaviour.

he's basically telling you he'll still use this behaviour anytime you act/think/feel in a way he doesn't like.

that's no good.

Original poster
meandmypickle · 04/02/2012 20:42

Yes, swallowed - i know you're right. It's just hard becuase im so scared for leaving for me and for ds. I so much wanted a happy family for us all

OP posts:
struwelpeter · 04/02/2012 21:07

he does sound abusive and enjoys picking on you when you are down. But after GA and major surgery, you are bound to feel low. So bide your time, use your convalescence to concentrate on you and imagine how you'd like things to be. is there someone in RL who makes you feel good? if so have them around you and try to detach from OH emotionally