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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

If it weren't for ds

111 replies

meandmypickle · 04/02/2012 12:46

If it weren't for ds, sometimes feel it would be better to end it all.
Things awful atm (see other thread). Feel so trapped and so wish if i left h i would never have to see him again. But of course that can't happen because ds would still see him at least every other weekend. Part of me still loves him i think, but the whole relationship makes me so sad. Never regret having ds as he is the most totally adorable little boy and am amazed by the intensity of my love for him. I guess all mums are the same

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 06/02/2012 22:48

Yes, things haven't got better

You have simply had to STFU in order not to wind him up

There is nothing "better" about that

Original poster

meandmypickle · 09/02/2012 21:00

Thanks for all the replies.
Unbelieveably (or not - and i know it sounds totally trivial) he scared me again tonight, not in a loud abusive way, just in a making me doubt myself way.
Heoffered to make dinner, i said ok. Turned out he' d make pie and chips, he knows i don't like chips with pie. When i said i didn't want the chips, he said coldly "don't you like chips now" I said, "you know i don't like them with pie". he then said I'd had pie and chips loads of times - total lie. I have had pie since i was pg (6 years ago) and only I bought some becuase thought might like them while ill. I told him a couple of weeks ago didn't like them with chips. He did chips with it last week too and i didn't eat them then. As i said very trivial issue, but the underlying meaning is scary...

OP posts:

ThePinkPussycat · 09/02/2012 21:02

It's gaslighting - more info on the abusive relationship opening post q.v. must learn to link!

Original poster

meandmypickle · 09/02/2012 21:06

I know Pink. God he is a scary man...
I've chatted to a couple of other people in RL in the last few days - people i know would give me an honest opinion if asked. I'm not mad or imagining things - they find him scary too

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ThePinkPussycat · 10/02/2012 00:52

It's the very triviality which means no-one who hasn't experienced or witnessed it minimise it. A ton of sand is still made up of individual grains...

Lueji · 10/02/2012 11:20

That episode is quite telling too.

If ex happened to cook with too much salt, he would be upset if I mentioned it and he claimed it was fine.

Typical controlling behaviour to push you down slowly.

Original poster

meandmypickle · 10/02/2012 14:36

It's just horrible. This along with the trickle of lies, verbal outbursts, lack of cimmunication,door banging, no sex(my choice), no trust....

OP posts:

Original poster

meandmypickle · 10/02/2012 14:43

Not that it makes any difference to our situation, but i've just been reading about schizoid disorder - pretty such sounds like him, except he does get angry when critisizes

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ThePinkPussycat · 10/02/2012 14:46

I think it helps to have some sort of hypothetical model to compare behaviour with, provided you bear in mind it is only a model. Can help you know what to notice, and also to see where the behaviour doesn't fit. Remembering also that we are all unique!

Original poster

meandmypickle · 10/02/2012 14:48

Yes, he also fits with alot of the description for a psychopath...

OP posts:

Lueji · 10/02/2012 14:59

Does it matter what he is?
Is it someone you can live with?

Original poster

meandmypickle · 10/02/2012 15:05

No, doesn't matter. Was just interesting to read..

OP posts:

izzyizin · 10/02/2012 15:38

For some unaccountable reason, your previous post got a bad press from those who attempted to portray you as being in some way as culpable as him for his abusive behaviour.

Frankly, anyone in their right mind would value the fabric of their house over a twat who stomps around shouting, swearing, and slamming doors even though he knows that his partner finds such actions intimidating.

Whatever label you endeavour to stick on him won't obscure the fact that you are not happy with him, nor are you happy living with him.

His behaviour and your unhappiness will inevitably adversely impact on your dc and nothing you've said in your earlier post, or in this current thread, persuades me otherwise.

Under the circumstances, I would suggest that it will be in the best interests of all concerned for you to end this pathetic sham of a 'partnership' as the alternative is that you will continue to live out your days in a grim saga of dissatisfaction and unhappiness.

Original poster

meandmypickle · 10/02/2012 17:32

Thank you Izzy. Yes i know you're right.

OP posts:

izzyizin · 10/02/2012 18:03

Get your strength back, honey, and then get shot of the lying, abusive, twat. You know it makes sense

Original poster

meandmypickle · 10/02/2012 20:20

I know Izzy. This is mad but my resolve is slightly weakened by him offerring me a lift into town tomorrow...
God, i must be desprate.
No - a lift, dinner, presents, kind words are all meaningless against a backdrop of lies and intimidation

OP posts:

Lueji · 10/02/2012 20:26

Exactly, his "kindness" is just a way of softening you up.

Original poster

meandmypickle · 10/02/2012 20:34

Maybe. He could have been being genuinely kind (and he does often seem to be - when we'r getting on ok he gives me a back massgae most nights) He sometimes offers to do it after an argument - I'd rather have a heartfelt apolgy though.
I can't bear his lies. I wroye him a letter a few weeks ago explaing how important the truth was to me - whatever its about) and that door banging& swearing intimidated me. he's done both since he read and agreed to the letters...

OP posts:

ThePinkPussycat · 10/02/2012 20:50

Mine was nice as pie on the day I revised my thinking. I thought I had decided 50/50 and we went looking for houses, that night I couldn't sleep and by the morning realised that no, I was right before, and that wasn't a fair split. Since then he has turned underlying nasty.

If they think things are going their way they can be quite kind in a way. Although kind is not quite the word. Bearable?

I realise now that until quite recently I was worn down by going along with what he thought (which usually to do nothing, or buy some piece of technical equipment) for 80% of the time.

ThePinkPussycat · 10/02/2012 20:52

Oh dear post not clear. I came back from sol and told him sol had advised 60/40, then I thought well 50/50 in a moment of weakness, and sentimentality, then my inner me prevailed by keeping me awake that night! I did inform stbx of this change of heart the next morning.

Original poster

meandmypickle · 10/02/2012 21:49

Feeling pretty awful ans sooo lonely. So wish things could have been different - almost wanting a back massage now as im so stressed, tired and uncomfortable (from op)

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ThePinkPussycat · 11/02/2012 03:13

Stress gets my back all tight. Only thing that helps atm is retreat to bed with a hot water bottle, just for comfort. But it is OK, and it is stress, not depression. I'm getting better at telling the difference.

Do you have any pets, pickle? I have an elderly cat :)

bitsnbobs · 11/02/2012 07:24

Meandmypickle, hope you are okay today. I was in an EA relationship. I remember when I had abdominal surgery and at first he was nice as pie then by day two he was getting irritable with the children because he had to get them ready for school! Anyway now I am six months out of this relationship and my life has begun again. I was so low at one point I thought of ending it all too, that is what they can do to you with the insidious criticism and periods of being "nice". Oneday you will be strong enough to leave and your life will open up. Hope you get on alright today, try and take it easy.

Original poster

meandmypickle · 11/02/2012 11:46

Thanks Bitsnbobs :) It would actually be much easier if he were horrible all the time! I wouldnt try to jsutify things with the good bits then.

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Original poster

meandmypickle · 11/02/2012 21:35

Had a chat to a trusted RL friend today. She, too, thinks he's controlling and basically incapable of being open, truthful and considerate of my feelings

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