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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

If it weren't for ds

111 replies

meandmypickle · 04/02/2012 12:46

If it weren't for ds, sometimes feel it would be better to end it all.
Things awful atm (see other thread). Feel so trapped and so wish if i left h i would never have to see him again. But of course that can't happen because ds would still see him at least every other weekend. Part of me still loves him i think, but the whole relationship makes me so sad. Never regret having ds as he is the most totally adorable little boy and am amazed by the intensity of my love for him. I guess all mums are the same

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 05/02/2012 21:03

it's not "trivial"

it's your life

Original poster
meandmypickle · 05/02/2012 21:08

I just mean that some people are being hit, neglected and generally treated much worse than me

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 05/02/2012 21:12

I know, the world out there is very scary

but you know, if you are not happy in your relationship, you are not happy

just because he isn't beating seven shades of shit outta you on a daily basis doesn't make him a good partner

littleornoclue · 05/02/2012 21:33

I separated from my husband 5 weeks ago. He didn't hit me either, but was just generally mean and cruel and felt entitled to behave in that way towards me, whatever I did or said. I realised I was always waiting for him to become the nice version of himself (to behave at home how he does in public) and I realised it was never going to happen.

I don't regret the separation, I wish I'd done it sooner BUT I should have planned it better. I wish I'd saved a lot of little cash and told my family beforehand so they would have been immediately on side. My MIL tried to make everyone think I had depression and was being irrational. After I explained the relationship to people, they understood and were upset that I didn't speak about it sooner - I've pretended for years that all was fine.

Wanting to be treated kindly by your partner is not expecting too much.

My husband was awful to me during and after labour. I couldn't understand or deal with it at the time as I felt so weak. I guess this is similar to how you feel after an operation. I think certain people do take advantage of you being vulnerable.

Have strength. Talk this over with someone, tell them everything. xx

littleornoclue · 05/02/2012 21:41

Oh and if you do separate and have contact for your ds with your h, you don't have to listen to any crap. I am just learning to deal with my h and he already knows that I won't accept any verbal abuse. He is still being crazy but I feel I am more emotionally distanced from him now.

ThePinkPussycat · 05/02/2012 21:49

Hah, I felt a bit like that pickle, but realised that though it may come in different forms, abuse is still abuse.

Original poster
meandmypickle · 05/02/2012 22:41

Thanks :) Is it definately abuse though? Maybe he could say i'm abusive for accusing him of lying?

OP posts:
ThePinkPussycat · 05/02/2012 22:55

Have you read any of the links at the top of the abusive relationship support thread? Deffo worth a look to see if it matches or not.

Things I have done, paricularly when v depressed, have definitely been abusive, an attempt to get stbx to feel my pain, I think. However I have worked to minimise the times I have done this without provocation. And the other thing, one's reaction to abuse can also look like abuse - I have raged and wept and called names, it was a response to him though (honest Grin). It is hard to pick apart these things.

Original poster
meandmypickle · 05/02/2012 23:03

yes, i have looked at the links - and yes he does some of the things but not all.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 06/02/2012 10:04

he doesn't have to tick every box to make him a poor and inadequate partner for you

swallowedAfly · 06/02/2012 13:23

you sound thoroughly miserable and it's clear he doesn't care about making you miserable. is that really what you want for you or ds?

you still can have a happy family - you and ds. you can make a home that works for the two of you and has laughter and affection and peace in it with no place for fear and eggshells and hostile silences. it's awful living in a shadow like that as a child and i'd imagine as an adult too.

Original poster
meandmypickle · 06/02/2012 16:40

Thanks Fly. It is actually me not speaking to him though - because he upset me so much. He has been making attempts to talk in a way. Well asking if i want a drink, taken me to docs as i can't drive atm

OP posts:
swallowedAfly · 06/02/2012 16:44

of course you're not speaking to him - hardly likely to be feeling all chatty and friendly with someone who has repeated behaviour they know scares and upsets you. you are constantly seeming to blame yourself and imo it's misplaced. you don't have to be grateful for every crumb of normal human interaction he does offer. some people manage to do all that and not resort to aggressive, bullying behaviour as a means of controlling you.

Original poster
meandmypickle · 06/02/2012 21:41

thanks Fly. However if i hadn't accused him of lying, then he wouldn't have exploded...Maybe it is my fault

OP posts:
ThePinkPussycat · 06/02/2012 21:50

So you're in a stalemate atm? Has this happened before? If so, how was it resolved and by whom?

AnyFucker · 06/02/2012 21:54

....and back to square one you go Sad

Lueji · 06/02/2012 21:55

Oh, the overreaction when accused of something... :(

Not your fault, unless you went about it for ages and still doubted him in spite of evidence to the contrary.

Unfortunately the signs are there. You continue to blame yourself, start walking on eggshells and allow it, it will only get worse.

Original poster
meandmypickle · 06/02/2012 21:57

Sorry AF :)
Yes, it's happened before.Nothing ever does really get resolved. If i approach him in the right way, he'll somethimes come out with reassuring words. But the things he agrees to rarely last

OP posts:
Original poster
meandmypickle · 06/02/2012 21:59

Lueji - i probably went on about it for about 10 mins before he exploded. it was a "semi lie", in that he's half done something he said he'd done

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 06/02/2012 21:59

Please don't say you are sorry, love x

Lueji · 06/02/2012 22:00

I've just been reading some of the other posters stories on here though - and mine seems so trivial in comparison. Maybe I'm expecting too much ?
yours is "trivial" for now.

Do you want it to become like the other threads?

Lueji · 06/02/2012 22:04

10 min is hardly enough to provoke such reaction.

Particularly given the circumstances, and he WAS "half" lying. So he should have apologised, not lose it.

Original poster
meandmypickle · 06/02/2012 22:07

Lueji - not sure it would get like some of the others. things used to be much worse. I control my responses much better now ds is here

OP posts:
Lueji · 06/02/2012 22:14

I think you have just given the answer there.

Did you hit him or things around? Did you scream abuse at him?

I've been in a similar situation. When I stopped caring he hit me. In fact controling myself and trying to be calm made it worse.
He seemed to get off on seeing me upset.

swallowedAfly · 06/02/2012 22:43

things haven't gotten better - you've just submitted further and are controlling yourself to avoid the behaviour. as soon as you do/say anything he dislikes it's back again. that's no way to live. i wouldn't treat a dog like that Sad