having an affair, need to stop but don't know how

[howdiditcometothis12]

The title says it all really. I know that many people post on threads here about their DH/DW having an affair, so I apologise if I offend or upset anyone, it isn't intended. I suppose I would like to hear from women who have been in a similar situation and how they handled it, but all views are welcome. I'm prepared for a complete flaming, I know I deserve it. Everything is just such a mess at the moment, I'm confused and I feel sick.

DH & I have been together for 10 years, married for 4. We're both 30 years old and we have no children. Our relationship is generally good, but we miss out on a lot of quality time together as we work opposite shifts. This can mean that we're sometimes quite moody with one another due to tiredness and our sex life is affected, sometimes we can go months without having sex. I also miss affection, DH freely says that hes not a naturally 'touchy feely' person, but I am. Despite this, DH is kind, sweet and funny and I love him. I would never leave him and not a day goes by that I ever regret marrying him.

About 2 years ago I moved to a new department at work. OM already worked there. We just had a normal working relationship. However about 8 months ago we were paired up for a work project and had to spend many hours in one another's company. We ended up becoming close friends, but as we opened up to one another, I found myself becoming attracted to him and we were quite flirty with each other. I know I should have stopped it there and then but I honestly thought that it was just a silly crush, two friends mucking about, and that it would all stop once the work project was over. Once it finished and the intense daily contact was over, I thought I was right. But then about four months ago we had a work do, at the end of the night there was just me and OM left and we ended up kissing, then I went home (alone). I was mortified the next day and swore to myself nothing would happen again. But within a few weeks there had been another kissing incident, then another time we ended up having sex. I should have seen it coming really. The guilt was awful and I was disgusted in myself. I decided not to confess to DH as I know he'd leave me immediately, and I thought that the terrible guilt was punishment enough. I also promised myself that I'd never be so stupid to let myself get into a situation like this again.

Fast forward to now, and you've guessed it, I'm having a full blown affair with this man. We don't contact each other at home in case our partners are around and so keep contact to work only, but arrange to meet about once a week for sex. I'm ashamed to say that I like the attention, the ego boost and the sex. I tell myself that every time is the last time but it never is. He's like a magnet that I can't stay away from. I can't believe that my life has come to this, I've never strayed before and am usually so shy and reserved, people who know me would be horrified if they knew. It feels like OM has brought out a side to me that I never knew existed and I have no idea who I am anymore. Its not all good though, I'm painfully aware that OM is just using me for sex, he has no emotions involved at all. This hurts, but he's never lied to me or tried to make out that its something its not.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I want it to stop, I want to get my relationship with DH back to how it was. It would be easier to cut all ties with OM if we didn't work together but there is no chance of moving jobs in my industry at the moment. I keep telling him its over but then I am weak and I go back. I don't know how to change this.

How do I live with DH knowing what I've done? Do I confess? He would definitely leave me if he knew and my world would fall apart. But then thats my own doing isn't it? Maybe its what I deserve.

I'm sorry but what? You can't ever get over being told someone has cheated. But you can get over being knocked about? I don't understand why you can feel so strongly about emotions, yet think violence is forgivable.

Totally screwed up. I'd not take wobblys take on it as a level headed opinion tbh.

I have been married for 13 years.

If I were to find out that
a) my husband had an affair some time ago but ended it, or;
b) my husband was currently engaging in an affair

the difference would only be grammatical, but the hurt and betrayal the same. Equally the end result. My marriage would be considered to be over the moment the affair started.

Option a) is actually worse, when I think about it, because it would mean the deceit was two fold. He deceived me while having an affair, and he continued to do so afterwards, keeping a sham marriage going for his own selfish reasons.

A decent man would tell me, and let me make a choice in the relationship and life I was living. A liar and a cheat would continue to deceive me. Like the OP is intent on doing with her own husband.

I agree Quintessential - the crazy, self-indulgent, delusional selfishness that could be used to justify an affair I could understand, and maybe forgive.

But the clear, considered decision to allow me to live a life based on lies, to remove my choices about the life I wanted to live - that kind of calculated selfishness, a clear decision that I was the less important one in the marriage, would be the end of any regard I had for that person.

It chills me that people could even consider justifying such cruelty.

Option a) is actually worse, when I think about it, because it would mean the deceit was two fold. He deceived me while having an affair, and he continued to do so afterwards, keeping a sham marriage going for his own selfish reasons.

A decent man would tell me, and let me make a choice in the relationship and life I was living. A liar and a cheat would continue to deceive me.

Repeated so that OP definitely sees it.

Have you spoken to OM yet OP?

yet think violence is forgivable.

please do not tell me what I think and don't think.

F- me, the extrapolation on this site is quite staggering.

Please tell OM 'Goodbye' OP.

Abitwobbly - I think that was a genuine misunderstanding of your post, but I know what you mean.

Obviously, you have been hurt tremendously and no-one is belittling your experience by suggesting that OP is honest with her husband. But would you have actually preferred to not know. Even if other people did know. Or to possibly find out years later? Perhaps you would. Either way it would still hurt like hell.

Many people think that they can stay together after infidelity if they just try harder, put in more effort, settle for less, etc. I personally think it's the beginning of the end . That is why I think OP should be honest with her dh and let him decide what he wants to do, It will hurt him. But in the long run that hurt seems inevitable because the damage is done already

If you choose to keep this affair a secret from your DH you are attempting to have your cake and eat it too. For several months you have enjoyed the best of both worlds: a passionate sexual relationship with another man backed up with the stability of - in your own words - A caring, dependable loving husband and home life. Whatever personal, moral flaws

I suspect you are still seeing this man OP. You could have told him today, you didn't because you don't really want to stop seeing him ,do you?

I haven't told OM yet. Didn't really see him in work yesterday and today is just as busy. Its not really a 'passing in the corridor' type of conversation. Didn't want to have to be a coward and dump him via text or something. Will hopefully get more of a chance later today.

Ending it with OM is the first thing I need to do before I even contemplate what to do with DH. The affair is already over in my head but I want him to know it too.

Do you need to actually tell him, why not just ignore him at work. If you have to work together keep it strictly proffesional. He will get the message. i wouldnt text him as it could be used by him to blackmail you and cause problems.

Good Luck on everything and please remember your the only one that really knows your marriage so do what YOU think is best.

I think ending this in a dignified and adult way is all part of the OP taking responsibility for her actions, so I can understand why she wants to speak to him face-to-face. They are both equal partners in this and one hasn't behaved worse than the other, so there should be no acrimony or sorrow.

I also think it might become important later on OP, if you definitely tell the OM that you are ending this because you love your husband very much and have realised that this affair is hurting him even though he is unaware of it. That you recognise you were wrong to have an affair and want to commit to your marriage. That you want no contact with him beyond what is necessary professionally and that you are actively looking for other job roles.

If you do ever decide to tell your husband, or it is ever discovered, this conversation with the OM will matter a great deal to your DH. You do need to get this done though, so do it at the earliest opportunity.

OP- you must do what you think is best.

I post here as a woman who had an affair. My DH found out because I carelessly left something open on the pc and he read it. It was not what you'd call conclusive evidence, but it was enough to make him wonder- and ask. By that time the affair was over.

Our marriage had been stormy for years and we had often been on the verge of splitting up- due to my unhappiness. Since the affair, I can say that things are much better. There was never any question of him not forgiving me. He said from the outset it was not a divorce issue, and we have talked a lot about why I looked elsewhere for what I felt was missing at home.

I do though wish he had never found out. Not because I wanted to remain on a pedestal or whatever. Simply because it hurt him.

My advice to you is that there is nothing to gain by telling him. What you do need to do though is consider how you feel about your marriage. You are only 30 and I didn't marry until I was your age, and the affair was a couple of decades down the line.

One of the most painful parts of an affair is living with yourself afterwards. This is punishment enough and quite honestly there is no point in telling your DH if you are ending the affair and want to work on your marriage. I think people who say you should are actually looking for some kind of "cyber revenge" because they disapprove, and hope you will come get some kind of payback from your DH.

thesinner - I don't want 'cyber revenge' and I would be delighted for the OP if she and her DH were able to work things out following the affair and hopefully deal with the problems they have in their marriage.

I have simply pointed out that this is not just about the OP. The OP is not married to herself, she is married to her DH. He is a person you know, a person who deserves to have a life based upon truth and honesty. Why do you think it is ok for him to live a lie?

Thesinner your logic is that the OP shouldn't tell her husband about the affair because you wish your husband hadn't found out about yours?

That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. The posters who are telling her to be honest with her dh are not looking for 'cyber revenge', just pointing out how dishonest it would be to carry on the marriage like nothing happened.

Cross posted with cake!

So "honesty" is the be all and end all is it?
Sheer, naive school girl level thinking.

The reason I advise not to tell is because it hurts the other person- read my post more carefully.

Why should honesty be elevated to the all important factor above everything else? Honesty is only a good thing in some contexts- it is not the most important thing of all.

News just in: Confirmed liar and cheat says "Truth Not Important!"

But you even said that after the discovery of the affair your marriage improved, so surely being honest (if you can call it that after he found you out) was what helped you in the end?

Of course her dh will be hurt, and I feel for him. But a marriage with an undisclosed affair is a marriage based on lies IMO. I don't see how the lack of affection the op complained of before the affair will be addressed otherwise.

Sorry just to be clear my last post was aimed at thesinner

"Sheer, naive school girl thinking"

No, just decent human being thing.

"The reason I advise not to tell is because it hurts the other person - read my post more carefully"

I read it carefully the first time, but frankly that is not a valid reason not to tell them. Its just the excuse trotted out by people who are are too cowardly, self-absorbed and selfish to face the consequences of their actions.

"telling" hurts ?

well, yes

but wasn't the "having sex with another person" the real hurt, that did the damage in the first place ?

thesinner, the truth would not have hurt your husband, if you had not had an affair in the first place.

Don't forget that there must have been something WRONG in the relationship for someone to stray.......