having an affair, need to stop but don't know how

[howdiditcometothis12]

The title says it all really. I know that many people post on threads here about their DH/DW having an affair, so I apologise if I offend or upset anyone, it isn't intended. I suppose I would like to hear from women who have been in a similar situation and how they handled it, but all views are welcome. I'm prepared for a complete flaming, I know I deserve it. Everything is just such a mess at the moment, I'm confused and I feel sick.

DH & I have been together for 10 years, married for 4. We're both 30 years old and we have no children. Our relationship is generally good, but we miss out on a lot of quality time together as we work opposite shifts. This can mean that we're sometimes quite moody with one another due to tiredness and our sex life is affected, sometimes we can go months without having sex. I also miss affection, DH freely says that hes not a naturally 'touchy feely' person, but I am. Despite this, DH is kind, sweet and funny and I love him. I would never leave him and not a day goes by that I ever regret marrying him.

About 2 years ago I moved to a new department at work. OM already worked there. We just had a normal working relationship. However about 8 months ago we were paired up for a work project and had to spend many hours in one another's company. We ended up becoming close friends, but as we opened up to one another, I found myself becoming attracted to him and we were quite flirty with each other. I know I should have stopped it there and then but I honestly thought that it was just a silly crush, two friends mucking about, and that it would all stop once the work project was over. Once it finished and the intense daily contact was over, I thought I was right. But then about four months ago we had a work do, at the end of the night there was just me and OM left and we ended up kissing, then I went home (alone). I was mortified the next day and swore to myself nothing would happen again. But within a few weeks there had been another kissing incident, then another time we ended up having sex. I should have seen it coming really. The guilt was awful and I was disgusted in myself. I decided not to confess to DH as I know he'd leave me immediately, and I thought that the terrible guilt was punishment enough. I also promised myself that I'd never be so stupid to let myself get into a situation like this again.

Fast forward to now, and you've guessed it, I'm having a full blown affair with this man. We don't contact each other at home in case our partners are around and so keep contact to work only, but arrange to meet about once a week for sex. I'm ashamed to say that I like the attention, the ego boost and the sex. I tell myself that every time is the last time but it never is. He's like a magnet that I can't stay away from. I can't believe that my life has come to this, I've never strayed before and am usually so shy and reserved, people who know me would be horrified if they knew. It feels like OM has brought out a side to me that I never knew existed and I have no idea who I am anymore. Its not all good though, I'm painfully aware that OM is just using me for sex, he has no emotions involved at all. This hurts, but he's never lied to me or tried to make out that its something its not.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I want it to stop, I want to get my relationship with DH back to how it was. It would be easier to cut all ties with OM if we didn't work together but there is no chance of moving jobs in my industry at the moment. I keep telling him its over but then I am weak and I go back. I don't know how to change this.

How do I live with DH knowing what I've done? Do I confess? He would definitely leave me if he knew and my world would fall apart. But then thats my own doing isn't it? Maybe its what I deserve.

If you're determined to stay with your husband you shouldn't tell him. Telling him won't lessen you burden of guilt it'll only make him feel like shit too. You'll just need to deal with the guilt, it will get better over time, you get to keep your marriage and don't break your husband's heart.

Not judging by the way, I'd have a bloody cheek to.

OP if you tell your husband what will be gained? IMO, nothing.

You might get it all off your chest, but then what?
You will inflict terrible hurt which need not have happened.

Telling him will not undo what you have done, or in some way wipe the slate clean.

There are a lot of people who post on these "adultery" threads who have no real understanding of human emotions. They have a very, very, intolerant attitude and a holier-than-thou approach. They seem to want you tell so that your husband will "have a choice", but what they really want is for you to suffer for your behaviour, by him possibly leaving you- which many of these posters think should be your fate. I'd rather like to say to them "Let him without sin cast the first stone" etc.

If you want to PM me at all please do. I came here to post to you and I don't feel the need to answer any questions about my own behaviour, or defend it on a forum.

It's an interesting insight into the mind of a cheat -

There is literally no concern for the spouse, or what they might want.

ALL that matters is self-preservation and self-justification.

It must be horrible to be married to someone who barely considers you to be a person.

Your feelings are only important when they can be used justify lying to you.

AThingInYourLife - No need for me to type out my thoughts on thesinner's last post because you have already said it all for me. :)

wow, thesinner, what a selfish attitude you have. If a man was that callous to the feelings and wishes of his wife, you would be infuriated. But since it's a girl and you can understand, it's alright.

"OP if you tell your husband what will be gained? IMO, nothing."

For her, not much. For her husband, a lot.

"You might get it all off your chest, but then what?"

Then her husband will be able to choose the course of action he wants his life to take, given the circumstances. That's what.

"You will inflict terrible hurt which need not have happened."

I think the "terrible hurt" happened when she opened her legs to another man and had sex with him.

"Telling him will not undo what you have done, or in some way wipe the slate clean."

You're right. But if you stop being selfish and start thinking about her DH as a human being with a brain then suddenly you'll realise that telling him is the right thing to do if you're a reasonable human being. If you're selfish and/or cowardly, then I can see why you'd keep it to yourself.

"There are a lot of people who post on these "adultery" threads who have no real understanding of human emotions. They have a very, very, intolerant attitude and a holier-than-thou approach. They seem to want you tell so that your husband will "have a choice", but what they really want is for you to suffer for your behaviour, by him possibly leaving you- which many of these posters think should be your fate. I'd rather like to say to them "Let him without sin cast the first stone" etc."

I honestly don't want them to split up. I don't want "cyber revenge" or the OP to "suffer for her behaviour". What I want is for her to behave like someone who loves her husband and is sorry, who's screwed up but who will stand and take responsibility for her actions, rather than behave like a selfish coward.

"I came here to post to you and I don't feel the need to answer any questions about my own behaviour, or defend it on a forum."

You're criticising a "holier-than-thou" attitude, whilst saying that? Whatever.

AThingInYourLife

My goodness, what's the weather like up there on your lofty perch?

Yah, treating other people as human is so lofty. Hardly anyone can live up to those ideals.

21

"For her, not much. For her husband, a lot."

Precisely.

I would say Don't tell your husband about this affair , it will destroy his world ,you must carry the guilt alone and make this the thing to keep you on the straight & narrow & drive you faward. What ever it is you do differently with OM , get your husband to learn your new desires,be strong and walk away from this still secret affair. There can only be disaster ahead, for all .

Would I want to know? Absolutely not.

I would much prefer my partner to keep it to himself, dealt with it, got over it and moved on, ignorance is bliss in a situation like this.

Don't tell your DH. What he doesn't know, won't harm him.

howdiditcometothis - you are the only one who can stop it, we can all say, be strong, resist, but you need to tell the OM it's over, and keep away from him. It's not impossible. Willpower - use it! And do try to get another job.

OK, I feel compelled to post here based on my experience of being the "cheated on spouse" (my STBXW had a three and a half year affair).

Firstly, I was hugely relieved to find out about the affair because it meant that I wasn't going mad, and my gut reactions about the situation were bang on. Yes, it is hugely painful to experience - the second worst thing I have had to deal with. The worst thing was actually my STBXWs attempt, in the immediate aftermath of the discovery of the affair, to blame her affair on me and our relationship.

Which leads me onto the second thing. KatieScarlett, affairs rarely say anything about the marriage, or the wronged partner, and are almost always about issues connected with the person having the affair.

If you don't tell your DH about your affair then you will never view him as an equal; someone who made fully informed decisions about your marriage. By not telling him, you will save yourself from potential heartache (yes, and him too), but you are taking choices away from him, and I think this will diminish your respect for him.

Guys and girls.

This Op hasn't even ended her affair yet

These two schools of thought can never meet in the middle can they ?

I guess which side of the "fence" you are on is coloured by whether you have cheated yourself, disclosed or not disclosed, been cheated upon, whether you would like to know yourself in the same situation etc etc

For me ? I would like to know. So, I would like to think I would afford my husband the same respect.

Respect being the key word here, AF. I think respect and honesty are intimately linked in these situations.

I told my H, our marriage is far better for it, and I would still say don't tell him. I was lucky, not everyone will be. Like I said, only IF you're prepared to lose him and your marriage, then tell him. Don't tell him because anyone else says you should because you just 'should'.

notanotherstatistic

I know, I was being sarcastic.

Tell him because you know from things he has said in the past that he would want to know.

KatieScarlett, sorry. I'm such a noob sometimes.

you are very nice tho, notanotherstatistic

very true, NAS

about the respect/honesty thing, not the noob thing

"It feels like OM has brought out a side to me that I never knew existed and I have no idea who I am anymore. Its not all good though, I'm painfully aware that OM is just using me for sex, he has no emotions involved at all. This hurts, but he's never lied to me or tried to make out that its something its not."

Was re-reading the OP (first read it a couple of days ago).

The quote above makes things a bit different than the black and white I was seeing.

Is OP saying that the OM is the one that's really ringing her bells? What would she do if the OM wasn't just using her for sex? Would that change her decision to ditch him and tell/not tell her husband. She says she'd never leave her DH but says she's hurt that the OM is just using her. Even I'll say you can't have it both ways love.

The husband really shouldn't be second best, now that wouldn't be fair.

If she does decide that she can resist the "magnetic" pull of the OM, I mean really not even want to be with him, then she should not tell her husband and should do as I suggested above. Deal with the guilt alone.

You say you know he would leave you. You do not know this.

Whether you tell him or not I have no opinion, and nor do I care really but just wanted to say my mother told me she had always believed she would never stay in a relationship where her husband had cheated. Then her husband, my father, cheated. Twice. They split briefly after the second affair but were back together within the year unfortunately.

I think she was mad, personally. I wouldn't make her mistake, but it's her life and she did what she felt she should/could.

All I'm saying is don't pretend to know what your husband will do if you tell him. You will never be able to guess how things pan out.

first step : end the affair

until that happens, there actually isn't a discussion to be had here

fluffy has picked up on something which may explain why she hasn't done it yet

What AF said ^^

Also, tell him because it's better he hears it from you than someone else.

Provided, of course, that you do actually end the affair first, OP.