having an affair, need to stop but don't know how

[howdiditcometothis12]

The title says it all really. I know that many people post on threads here about their DH/DW having an affair, so I apologise if I offend or upset anyone, it isn't intended. I suppose I would like to hear from women who have been in a similar situation and how they handled it, but all views are welcome. I'm prepared for a complete flaming, I know I deserve it. Everything is just such a mess at the moment, I'm confused and I feel sick.

DH & I have been together for 10 years, married for 4. We're both 30 years old and we have no children. Our relationship is generally good, but we miss out on a lot of quality time together as we work opposite shifts. This can mean that we're sometimes quite moody with one another due to tiredness and our sex life is affected, sometimes we can go months without having sex. I also miss affection, DH freely says that hes not a naturally 'touchy feely' person, but I am. Despite this, DH is kind, sweet and funny and I love him. I would never leave him and not a day goes by that I ever regret marrying him.

About 2 years ago I moved to a new department at work. OM already worked there. We just had a normal working relationship. However about 8 months ago we were paired up for a work project and had to spend many hours in one another's company. We ended up becoming close friends, but as we opened up to one another, I found myself becoming attracted to him and we were quite flirty with each other. I know I should have stopped it there and then but I honestly thought that it was just a silly crush, two friends mucking about, and that it would all stop once the work project was over. Once it finished and the intense daily contact was over, I thought I was right. But then about four months ago we had a work do, at the end of the night there was just me and OM left and we ended up kissing, then I went home (alone). I was mortified the next day and swore to myself nothing would happen again. But within a few weeks there had been another kissing incident, then another time we ended up having sex. I should have seen it coming really. The guilt was awful and I was disgusted in myself. I decided not to confess to DH as I know he'd leave me immediately, and I thought that the terrible guilt was punishment enough. I also promised myself that I'd never be so stupid to let myself get into a situation like this again.

Fast forward to now, and you've guessed it, I'm having a full blown affair with this man. We don't contact each other at home in case our partners are around and so keep contact to work only, but arrange to meet about once a week for sex. I'm ashamed to say that I like the attention, the ego boost and the sex. I tell myself that every time is the last time but it never is. He's like a magnet that I can't stay away from. I can't believe that my life has come to this, I've never strayed before and am usually so shy and reserved, people who know me would be horrified if they knew. It feels like OM has brought out a side to me that I never knew existed and I have no idea who I am anymore. Its not all good though, I'm painfully aware that OM is just using me for sex, he has no emotions involved at all. This hurts, but he's never lied to me or tried to make out that its something its not.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I want it to stop, I want to get my relationship with DH back to how it was. It would be easier to cut all ties with OM if we didn't work together but there is no chance of moving jobs in my industry at the moment. I keep telling him its over but then I am weak and I go back. I don't know how to change this.

How do I live with DH knowing what I've done? Do I confess? He would definitely leave me if he knew and my world would fall apart. But then thats my own doing isn't it? Maybe its what I deserve.

HattyTownsaid ?I think if you view infidelity as a discrete behaviour that happens in isolation of other character and personality traits, then your 'sort it and don't tell' might have some merit. But IMO this is never the case. There are always character and personality traits that lead up to it and allow it to happen in the first place.

There are very few people who get away with an undiscovered affair who a) acknowledge this and b) have the courage to change, without the imperative of a partner insisting on it.

So the attitudes and behaviours remain and in fact often get worse, with repeat infidelities not uncommon."

I have had two undiscovered affairs and absolutely agree with HattyTown's post above. Because I didn't deal with my issues after my first affair I went on to have a second one.

I do accept that I have the character and personality traits that make me vulnerable to choosing to cheat; but I have changed without the imperative of a partner insisting on it. It can be done with the help of solo counselling, and I think, OP, from some of your earlier posts that you recognise that the 'fault' lies with you and not with your marriage. With a good counsellor and with you insisting that it's not your marriage that needs fixing, but you then it can be done.

So my advice would be not to tell DH, but to get some solo counselling set up quickly.

As for how you give up OM - well, as OmgOmgOmgOmg says "If you want to stop just bloody do it." It's not easy but it really does boils down to "just bloody do it."

Thankyou Hatty, for your sensible, friendly and measured post!

I suppose I question what 'happy marriage' means. I think marriages are neither happy nor unhappy... there are times when we feel 'happy' with who we are and how our lives are going, and that has an effect on how we are towards our spouses, and there are times when we are perhaps not happy as individuals and that has another kind of effect on our relationships... What I am suggesting is that OP probably does love her H (whatever people who say 'you can't possibly love your H if you cheat might say) but there are probably issues that could benefit from some counselling. If OP loves her H, I think she should retain the chance to try and fix any issues which may have contributed to her having an affair, without throwing in the marriage towel. I think posters here who insist she should tell her H without delay are not thinking that that in itself could very well mean the end of yet another marriage. I don't think any of us on any thread on any forum should be doing that. Only OP knows her H, and if she decides telling him about the affair is the best thing for him, then she will. No one else should decide for her.

moscow, OP posted for people's opinions

if she only wanted one opinion, she would not have posted here

nobody is going to "make" her do anything she doesn't decide for herself, she is a grown woman

implying that she will do something she doesn't agree with on the say-so of a few anonymous posters makes me think you doubt her intelligence, tbh

I think posters here who insist she should tell her H without delay are not thinking that that in itself could very well mean the end of yet another marriage

moscow I think she should tell her dh. And I think it will be the end of her marriage.

My personal opinion is that the marriage is over when one partners cheats, regardless of whether the other partner knows about it. I suppose, she could keep it a secret if she could be certain he wouldn't find out.

But that's a very big if.

And it would make the marriage one big sham for the rest of the duration .

Fairenuff - is your opinion that "the marriage is over if one partner cheats" borne out of experience?

Because my marriage is certainly not over, despite my undiscovered infidelity. It's changed, for sure. I've changed too. For the better. Because I now know that I have what HattyTown calls "character and personality traits" which mean I am vulnerable to cheating (the need to be liked, a vulnerability to flattery, and an inherent selfishness that I have had all my life). And, forewarned being forearmed I know that there are situations that I cannot allow myself to get involved in. So I don't. I also don't blame DH for any of this, and I recognise that he was, is and always will be, the person that I need and want most in my life. And I try to be the same to him.

I understand that for many people posting here the fact that I am keeping this secret from him is a contradiction of what I have just posted. And I won't deny that a huge part of my not telling him about my affairs was for self-preservation, because I didn't want him to kick me out. BUT I have worked hard on myself, and continue to do so, so that, given that I can't change what I did, I can put the effort into our marriage that I should have been doing when I chose, instead, to cheat .

AF, I do not profess to have any right to doubt the intelligence of a total stranger.

I have offered opinions in earlier posts; you and other posters who attempt to dominate MN were rather rude about my offers of advice.

I don't wish to enter into further discussions with people who are rude.

ilovemyteddy I suppose different people have different ideas of what makes a marriage. Being together because one person does not know the other cheated is not, in my opinion, a real marriage.

Marriage has to be an honest relationship and fidelity is what makes it a marriage, rather than a 'friends with benefits' type relationship.

Just a quick post as grabbing a quick lunch break at work at the mo.

Haven't talked to OM yet - he is at work today but has been on call outs all morning so I've not actually seen him yet.

To those who say 'look for another job' - its not really as simple as that, positions are few and far between in my industry, so same job different location isn't really an option (can't really say what my job is as its too identifiable). To get a completely different job I would have to retrain. I can't just leave without a new job to go to as we need my salary. The only other option right now is a new role within the same organisation, I will do some research and see if theres anything available. I do recognise the fact that I need to cut all ties with OM.

Some of you are debating what is wrong with my marriage that has led me to cheat. I would not say there is anything particularly wrong with my marriage. I've said before that DH is not affectionate - this was never a problem in the early days when we still had lots of sex. But as the years have passed this has lessened, up to now when we've only had sex every couple of months for the last couple of years. I know you can have affection without sex but DH isn't really that sort to snuggle up on sofa etc, he likes his own space, I missed and craved affection but at the time didn't recognise that fact. I suppose I was feeling unattractive and unwanted. When the OM gave me those things I just went with it because the opportunity was there. It was nice to be wanted again. However, I must stress that I am NOT blaming DH or suggesting that he drove me to have the affair. What I SHOULD have done was talk to DH about what was going on in our relationship. Like I've said before, the affair was MY choice. I have mentioned to DH before that I would like more attention but responses were "I'm tired", "you know I'm not a touchy feely sort of person" etc. But I just left it at that. I should have pressed the matter and told him how crap I was feeling. Some weeks, because of work, DH and I don't have much time together, and I felt shit that he didn't want to be close to me in the time that we did have. Just to stress again though, I CHOSE to have the affair, it's not DH's fault. I should have handled it differently, but I didn't. Now I am working through the consequences of my actions. Maybe in my subconscious an affair was the easy option. How wrong was I.

ilovemyteddy - "a need to be liked, a vulnerability to flattery" - I can definitely identify with this.

Fairenuff, I disagree that all marriages are over when one person cheats. A marriage as it was is over, but relationships evolve, and so they should.
My point in earlier posts is that OP and anyone in same position needs to think carefully to work out if they prepared to stand to lose everything by confessing. If they are, then surely the marriage is over anyway...but OP said she didn't want the marriage to be over and she is full of remorse.

I don't think anyone should feel pressured to confess just because some people say it's the moral thing to do. There are other ways to fix marriages.

I can't believe the double standards here.

OP, your husband has the right to make up his own mind on how he feels about you valuing your marriage against man who is using you for sex.

You may tell yourself you are doing him a favour by not telling him, because of the pain it will cause him. But in all honesty you are just taking the easy selfish option and not risking yourself being exposed as a cheat. You don't want to face what you have done, and want your image to stay clean with him / friends & family etc...

At least be honest about that.

I feel sorry for him, as you have decided that what you want is far more important, than him having an informed choice about the rest of his life.

OP
Don't jump in and confess, whatever the moral brigade on here say, without being sure you are prepared to lose H and your marriage and a whole lot else. You've said you're not, so don't.

Everyone deserves a chance to try and give their marriage a better chance, so end it with the OM, you do not need him in your life. Talk to your H and try to tell him what you'd like in your marriage and find out what he would like, to make it better.

"Everyone deserves a chance to try and give their marriage a better chance"

Well, everyone except the OP's husband.

He, apparently, deserves to live a life he has said he doesn't want in a marriage based on lies.

The time to decide not to throw the marriage away was BEFORE she fucked the man at work giving her the glad eye.

It's all just selfish damage limitation now she's realised she's just being used as a cheap shag.

I still cannot believe that people are telling people she shouldn't tell her DH. Its not about being part of a 'moral brigade', its about the fact that this isn't just about the OP and HER life. Its about her DH's life too.

At the moment its all her, her, her. What telling him will mean for HER, what won't telling him will mean for HER.

I think its high time the OP considered her DH's right to live in a relationship that is what he thinks it is.

The OP doesn't sound like a terrible person, but she is being self-absorbed and I advise her to try and look at this from her DH's point of view for a change.

I meant are telling the OP she shouldn't tell DH!

I blame breastfeeding whilst mumsnetting!

It makes me laugh how many people have double standards here.

A man trying to hide an affair is a bastard.

A woman doing the same is just trying to save him from pain and protect her marriage.

"But they do. I saw a thread on here a while back with a link to Relate's advice about affairs and even they acknowledge that!"

But they do what, acknowledge what, Hatty? I am a bit behind the programme here, be a darling and fill me in...

OP, I sincerely hope I have not insulted you in any way.

The cheating is awful. We are all agreed on that. It was a terrible choice which the OP regrets. It was a horrible, selfish thing to do to her husband. But it is in the past and cannot be changed.

To not tell him about it. To live a lie. To let him believe that there is honesty and fidelity in his marrage - that is awful. It would be a terrible choice. It would be a horrible and selfish thing to do to her huband.

By not telling, you take a bad a situation and make it worse. Imagine if you put him through another five years and decided you couldn't hold it in any longer. What if the guilt gets to you in a few years time when maybe there are children to consider? How will you live with this lie? What if he bumps into someone who know you ten years from now and they say, glad to see you got over the affair'.

Could you really be happy in that kind of relationship?

moscow

you and other posters who attempt to dominate Mumsnet

the moral brigade

who was it you said was being rude ?

ER, I don't think I, for one, have said a man hiding an affair is a 'bastard'. I have said OP should think carefully about whether she is willing to lose her marriage in the instant it would take to tell her H. I would say the same to anyone wondering whether they should or should not tell their partner about an affair.

No one on here can really judge unless they have been in the same situation themselves.

good point, sicksick.

But my point is, men usually hide it whilst carrying it on, having their cake, eating it and licking the plate. (My H had to be caught to stop, then he had the cheek to be relieved! And he was horrified, disgusted with himself etc etc etc. Instantly. WTF????)

I think Hatty made this point, that it is very rare for people to stop, look at their false and flawed selves and then move very sincerely to becoming a better human being.

OP seems very intent on doing that.

There you go again AF

Does it make it better if someone stops fucking around before their partner catches them ?

I don't see how.

The OP will not tell her husband. It does not seem like she ever had any intention of doing so.

But nobody should believe that it is for any noble reason, other than she does not want to face up to the consequences of her actions.

"I think Hatty made this point, that it is very rare for people to stop, look at their false and flawed selves and then move very sincerely to becoming a better human being."

I guess I don't really see what is so rare or special about a person who has tired of an affair seeking to cover it up so they can keep their cosy set up at home.

I'm also struggling to see much of a contrast between the selfishness that allowed the OP to have her affair and the selfishness that is now being used to justify her silence.

A "better person" would be putting her husband first, not her "marriage".

That's what it means to love selflessly.

As you know I am on the side of the 'don't tell and work very hard on yourself to become a better, more mature human being' brigade. I say this not about the marriage, but about yourself as a person. (Because as she gets better she might still leave her H and his unfeeling space behind).

Because for me, finding out you have been betrayed and your marriage vows thrown away and your trust and sense of self/reality gone was simply annhialating. It was nuclear blast bad. It is the worst thing that has ever happened to me without a doubt and I have had a few dangerous and sh*t things happen.

On the other side, the betrayer has succumbed to their pride, vanity and selfishness, their entitlement secret resentment and whatever. They find as op said it doesn't solve anything it makes it much, much worse. They feel sick and bad and dirty and trapped.

Those two things, are not on a par. One is fixable with the right attitude which OP in my opinion is showing, and the other hurt I don't think you EVER get over, ever.