having an affair, need to stop but don't know how

[howdiditcometothis12]

The title says it all really. I know that many people post on threads here about their DH/DW having an affair, so I apologise if I offend or upset anyone, it isn't intended. I suppose I would like to hear from women who have been in a similar situation and how they handled it, but all views are welcome. I'm prepared for a complete flaming, I know I deserve it. Everything is just such a mess at the moment, I'm confused and I feel sick.

DH & I have been together for 10 years, married for 4. We're both 30 years old and we have no children. Our relationship is generally good, but we miss out on a lot of quality time together as we work opposite shifts. This can mean that we're sometimes quite moody with one another due to tiredness and our sex life is affected, sometimes we can go months without having sex. I also miss affection, DH freely says that hes not a naturally 'touchy feely' person, but I am. Despite this, DH is kind, sweet and funny and I love him. I would never leave him and not a day goes by that I ever regret marrying him.

About 2 years ago I moved to a new department at work. OM already worked there. We just had a normal working relationship. However about 8 months ago we were paired up for a work project and had to spend many hours in one another's company. We ended up becoming close friends, but as we opened up to one another, I found myself becoming attracted to him and we were quite flirty with each other. I know I should have stopped it there and then but I honestly thought that it was just a silly crush, two friends mucking about, and that it would all stop once the work project was over. Once it finished and the intense daily contact was over, I thought I was right. But then about four months ago we had a work do, at the end of the night there was just me and OM left and we ended up kissing, then I went home (alone). I was mortified the next day and swore to myself nothing would happen again. But within a few weeks there had been another kissing incident, then another time we ended up having sex. I should have seen it coming really. The guilt was awful and I was disgusted in myself. I decided not to confess to DH as I know he'd leave me immediately, and I thought that the terrible guilt was punishment enough. I also promised myself that I'd never be so stupid to let myself get into a situation like this again.

Fast forward to now, and you've guessed it, I'm having a full blown affair with this man. We don't contact each other at home in case our partners are around and so keep contact to work only, but arrange to meet about once a week for sex. I'm ashamed to say that I like the attention, the ego boost and the sex. I tell myself that every time is the last time but it never is. He's like a magnet that I can't stay away from. I can't believe that my life has come to this, I've never strayed before and am usually so shy and reserved, people who know me would be horrified if they knew. It feels like OM has brought out a side to me that I never knew existed and I have no idea who I am anymore. Its not all good though, I'm painfully aware that OM is just using me for sex, he has no emotions involved at all. This hurts, but he's never lied to me or tried to make out that its something its not.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I want it to stop, I want to get my relationship with DH back to how it was. It would be easier to cut all ties with OM if we didn't work together but there is no chance of moving jobs in my industry at the moment. I keep telling him its over but then I am weak and I go back. I don't know how to change this.

How do I live with DH knowing what I've done? Do I confess? He would definitely leave me if he knew and my world would fall apart. But then thats my own doing isn't it? Maybe its what I deserve.

As someone who has been on the other side - the moment my H admitted his affair, part of me was relieved knowing that I wasn't going mad and that there was a reason why he has been distant and things weren't quite right.

He was amazed that he wasn't acting normally - he thought he had covered his tracks so well. I read on here somewhere that the betrayed party feels like they are walking around bumping into invisible walls and that is exactly how I felt.

I know you must feel you are taking a massive risk but I bet your DH knows that something is amiss but because he does not know what is going on, he is unable to fix things and is probably stuck in a vicious circle of responding to your lack of warmth and detachment by distancing himself and so on on.

OP, I have been horrified at some of the vitriol extended to you on this thread, that you started in order to ask for advice. Think you should ignore the words of attack and insults, and read and digest only posts that people have made to try to help you. Other people clearly don't have anything better to do with their time.

Having been in your position some years ago, I would say this: I know why you 'can't' stop the affair, it's because it allows you a distraction from the real issue, which is you, and how you feel about your life, marriage etc. You are in turmoil. I am not belittling the affair, it is a huge thing that could be dangerous, OM is a swine, and you do need it out of the way. But worrying about whether your OH will find out later from someone else isn't what you need to be focusing on now. People criticising you for 'putting yourself first' or doing what's best for you are wrong... in order to eventually put your marriage first, or at least to be able to focus on what to do about it, you DO need to put yourself first. Your affair has shattered a lot of what you believed about yourself.

My advice?
Don't tell OH, unless you are willing to risk the end of your marriage. IF you are, then tell him, he should know, and you should take the consequences, whatever they are. You're 30, an adult, relationships end, it is okay.

DO tell OH you are extremely unhappy in your marriage, and ask him to go to counselling with you. Be brave, be honest and ask him to do the same.

Work through this and, either way, you will come out the other end knowing what to do about your marriage. End it, or forwards. Good luck.

moscow you seem to be contradicting yourself.

Don't tell OH, unless you are willing to risk the end of your marriage

Be brave, be honest and ask him to do the same

OP cannot keep this to herself and be honest. Personally, I think going to counselling to sort out your marriage, without disclosing an affair is completely dishonest. Not exactly the best way to sort out problems in a relationship .

wow moscow, what insight!

what on earth would be the point in counselling if the massive elephant in the room is not disclosed ?

complete waste of time and money, that

DO tell OH you are extremely unhappy in your marriage, and ask him to go to counselling with you. Be brave, be honest and ask him to do the same.

I would not advise counselling if you are not going to be honest about the affair. It will be very unfair to your OH and a waste of time and money.

cross posted with AF, Quin and Fairenuff!

DO tell OH you are extremely unhappy in your marriage

But she isn't 'extremely unhappy' or at least not in her marriage.

In fact she says the relationship is 'generally good' and that she doesn't regret a day of her marriage to her 'kind, sweet and funny' husband. The only critical thing she said was that her husband is naturally less affectionate and accepts that it's possible they've both let the relationship become a 'bit stale'.

Hmm, does look a bit contradictory, but no need to be rude, I was typing in a hurry. 'Being brave and being honest', means I think it is important that OP looks very very closely at her own feelings and that she and OH get a chance to look at their marriage, without very potentially pulling the plug by dropping the bombshell at the outset.

As I said though, IF OP is prepared to run that risk though, then she should tell her OH. She just has to take it on the chin that the risk of her OH saying 'That's it, I'm off' is very high. And if she believes it would be a deal breaker for OH, then she should tell him. But no one can know how their partner will react, could be exactly the opposite to the way someone expects.

The fact of the matter is, she has been unfaithful, it is done. And it is done because of huge things wrong in the marriage, whether she and her OH know what they are or not. Give the marriage a chance. If counselling doesn't work or even help, then the marriage was never going to work anyway, I am saying give it a chance.

Affairs are always a symptom, albeit a big one, of deeper things. You don't treat a cough caused by lung cancer with a cough syrup and hope it will go away.

The fact of the matter is, she has been unfaithful, it is done. And it is done because of huge things wrong in the marriage

No it's not. Why are you assuming that when the OP is telling you something different?

Because no one has an affair if they are happy in their marriage?

OP has to look at herself to really work out why she's got involved with someone else, and what is wrong in her marriage. You think it can be all rosy and still someone will jump into bed with someone else?

Well, the OP has just done that, judging by what she has said, so there goes your theory out of the window moscow! The only reason the op can see is that they work different shifts, so the opportunity was there so she took it!

Moscow, that's a myth.

Affairs are a symptom of weakness and selfishness in the betrayer and how they deal with issues and problems. It is a choice made by the betrayer instead of choosing to investing more in the marriage, going to counselling, talking things through etc, they decided to cheat.

But they do. I saw a thread on here a while back with a link to Relate's advice about affairs and even they acknowledge that! In any case, it's always best to read what the OP is saying and not try to project what might be our own reasons for doing things, on to her.

Everyone of us could have the opportunity if we wanted it... it's not exactly hard to find someone else looking for something.. no strings..bit of fun. My point is this: we don't all take the opportunity, we don't all go looking. There are reasons why the people who do, do. I don't understand why so many people here want OP to just 'fess all, when she has clearly come here for help and has clearly stated she doesn't want to leave her OH and doesn't want to end her marriage. It may come to that, but I don't think telling all is always the right answer for everyhone, no matter what a bunch of strangers on a forum might say is the 'moral' thing to do. IT MIGHT be, but OP needs to be sure she is prepared for her OH to kick her out.

I second what MadAboutHocChoc says 'Affairs are a symptom of weakness and selfishness in the betrayer and how they deal with issues and problems.'

I am the betrayed partner in what was a happy marriage. My dh was 18 months into a new job and felt lonely, isolated, inferior to his colleagues. I was 7 months pregnant at the time and he has admitted he did not want to have sex with me then because he felt awkward with the baby there. I never refused him any attention whatsoever but he strayed with someone from work because he couldn't open up to me about his pathetic position with his job. IF he had confronted those feelings, and/or how he felt about me physically at the time I am sure he would not have had the affair. In my case and possibly in the OP's case, it is completely about how these people deal with their problems.

I have stressed the OP MUST LEAVE HER JOB and cut off all ties with the OM. Then more time must be found for her and her dh to talk, really talk, whether together or with a counsellor. And this should be done with complete honesty, including full admission of the affair.

Everyone of us could have the opportunity if we wanted it... it's not exactly hard to find someone else looking for something.. no strings..bit of fun.

Exactly and it is those with issues who choose to take this route. That is why OP has been advised to go to counselling to address her own issues and what made her justify cheating as the best course of action.

We don't all take the opportunity or go looking because we are not all the same as individuals. The reasons for difference lie in ourselves, which is why so many respondents on the thread are advising the OP to sort herself out, possibly by going to counselling alone or by other methods. Going to couples counselling and hiding secrets would be a complete sabotage of the therapy process and ultimately fruitless because the OP has persistently told us that it's not the marriage that's the main problem here.

Personally speaking I do not rate Relate at all. We had 3 different counselors, none of which helped. One refused to talk about sex(which was our main problem!)
We got NHS counselling in the end .
Went out more and talked lots and lots.

I know, I also believe OP should sort herself out first. There are too many people on here who seem to want anyone who confesses to adultery on Mumsnet, and seeks advice, to be immediately and irrevocably punished by sacrificing their relationship. It takes two to tango, and I mean that with respect to a marriage, as well as an affair. Life is not black and white. Yes, losing her marriagemay be what OP, or anyone else who has had an affair and end up feeling the same way, ends up doing, but I feel very uncomfortable about the 'you're a low life with the morals of an alleycat and you should tell your poor OH so he can make his own mind up' brigade. OP very likely loses any chance to even try and fix the marriage, and I don't think anyone on here or any other forum where total strangers think they can attack people, should feel they have a right to insult others for not doing what they think they should. It's a discussion forum, not a court of law, although sometimes I wonder.

And again, OP may say the marriage is not the problem. So why is it eyes and heads are turned and an affair started, as soon as the opportunity arises? My previous point was about the opportunity is there, for everyone of us, all of the time. But we don't all take it all of the time, and some of us never take it. Why not? Because we're happy in our relationships. Something must be lacking in a relationship where one half takes the opportunity, and surely it's that that OP, and anyone else in the same positon, could do with looking at? Give people a chance to be human and try and work out what's happened and why, before they are 'forced' by the Court of Mumsnet' to confess all and it all falls down without chance to repair.

There's a lot of talk on this forum about OWs being told not to wreck mar
riages by telling their MM's partner/wife... if marriages are wrecked as a result of infidelity, why does it make any difference who does the telling?

Need to clarify what I just wrote, before someone jumps down my throat: what I mean is that encouraging OP to confess to her OH could also put their marriage in immediate jeopardy, so the end result isn't any different to an OW telling a wife... it's still very potentially the end of a marriage and all the fallout that comes with it. I feel very uncomfortable with total strangers telling other total strangers that they should risk that when there is another way to try, that migh work and might save the marriage.

moscow - My previous point was about the opportunity is there, for everyone of us, all of the time. But we don't all take it all of the time, and some of us never take it. Why not? Because we're happy in our relationships

I don't think anyone is happy in their relationship all the time. There are always occasions where one or both partners are unhappy, possibly feeling unloved, bored, unfulfilled, unappreciated. These are the ups and downs of all relationships.

But why don't we all take the opportunity to cheat? Not because we are happy in our relationship but because we recognise that we either try to resolve our differences, or leave. The 'option' of cheating is not really one of the choices is it?

OP hasn't resolved any 'issues' in her marriage. Hasn't changed her job or shift patterns so she can spend more time with her dh. Hasn't sought counselling for herself or for them both as a couple. Hasn't thought about how she can spend the rest of her life committed to a man who is not openly affectionate towards her.

What she has done, is admit that this affair is entirely, 100%, without question, her choice. And now she's had enough of it and wants to go back 'like it was before'.

Moscow I agree that name-calling is generally unhelpful and in some cases, I've known people to have an almost child-like, defiant reaction to it in that it seems to propel them to continue or start affairs that others are advising against.

Where you and I disagree (and can do so politely, hopefully!) is that people's sole reasons for having an affair are because they have unhappy relationships. This isn't what the OP is saying and it conflicts with the views of many individual testimonies about affairs as well as it being at odds with the most well-known national relationship counselling charity's official position on this issue. In my earlier post I think I said 'even Relate' because like Clara says, their provision seems patchy and inconsistent at the practitioner (if not organisational) level. Affairs like life are not 'black and white' as you say and so consequently there are no absolutes.

Saying that no-one has an affair if they are in a happy marriage is however an 'absolute' isn't it and something you appear to be arguing against other posters doing?