how could he :(

[chocoraisin]

I've just come 'home' after staying with my parents for a month, having found out about the OW the week after NY. I'm 17 weeks pg, with an 18mo DS.

So I'm back at the place I have shared with H for nearly 4 years, and our neighbours (who are lovely and devastated on mine and DS's behalf) brought me pizza for tea to be supportive. I stupidly asked them if she had been seen here. H has sworn blind he wouldn't do anything in our home. I know I shouldn't have asked, think I was stupid enough to be looking for reassurance.

Apparently they regularly see her leaving in the morning in the month I've been away. AND heard them having sex. My neighbour could have sugar coated it, but to be fair, I asked and she was so embarrassed and upset for me I know it was one of those 'oh god she put me on the spot, crap I'll just blurt it out' moments, not said to hurt me.

We share a one bed flat. He has had sex with her in our bed. Next to our sons cot. Below our wedding photo on the wall. And she knows I'm pregnant.

How could he? Never mind what kind of a skank she must be to be ok with that. He has been texting/calling this month acting like we can be instant best friends... and perfect 'coparents'... but my trust in him is shattered. I hate the thought of being near him. I literally feel sick about having no option but to sleep in that bed tonight.

I don't know what to do :( I just need some hand holding tonight please.

To top it off, DS is exhausted but after a month away won't settle in his cot and just shrieks when I put him down so I'm looking at another long, broken night. 'Daddy' is due to visit tomorrow for his contact time.

I can't believe what's happened to my life :(

Sorry - just wanted to add - there are a few people I have met in my life so far who have made a huge impression on me with their wonderful positive energy, wisdom, kindness - just that undefinable "something" that makes people gravitate towards them. 2 of them were sectioned in their 20s with severe mental health problems, but they then recovered. Crap from your past can be the very making of your future in my experience!

I understand that feeling choco - worrying that people must think stupid cow for picking yet another complete twat. All I know is that no one on this thread has commented as such & it certainly seems as if your parents don't feel like that & want to support you. Some men are brilliant at keeping up the image of wonderfulness for a long time until we're in deep & we've married or had children with them. Then they show their true colours. It's not your fault.

I've been reading your thread for the last 2 or 3 hours knowing that I now will be shattered when DS wakes up tomorrow and I also have to go to work but my goodness I am so touched by you absolute honesty and strength: so moved by your love for your children and your incredible reserve and maturity that you are displaying in putting their needs first and doing the right thing. We all question our choices in life and may look back and wonder whether we did the right thing at the time but the important thing is to look forward and not to dwell upon, as you say, the things 'we cannot change'. Not only are you amazing but your response in your situation, in what is quite frankly still an incredibly short timespan, is absolutely inspiring. It really does make me look back on some of the choices I have been making about my own life, my own behaviours in my relationship and readdress my future actions. I won't go into detail, I'm still married but struggling to get back to a place where I was happy. Accusations of infidelity on my H's part flew around 6 years ago. He still adamantly denies it to this day and I think I believe him but I cannot get over the hurt that was caused by the situation nevertheless. I won't bore you with the details, it was a completely different situation but you have certainly taught me and reminded me of what's important in life. Your comments about forgiveness are so true, something that truly needs to be offered for your own sake, no one else's. And you are so right to simply try to change the things that you can. I don't know exactly where I will go from here but looking back at your insightful and honest writings will fill me and so many other women with strength. Much love to you and your beautiful babies.

Choco your hard won wisdom is going to take you to a much happier life. I have been feeling grumpy and sorry for myself over some very trivial things this weekend and your words remind me to take stock, see the bigger picture and let go of point scoring.

Choco I've been following your thread from the beginning. Far from anyone thinking jeez... everyone is in awe of you. American Tan tights have been donned throughout the globe in your honour. You will cope with all this and you will have happiness and contentment again, it's so evidently in your power.

Giraffe I just want to give you a giant big hug - it will be ok, whatever you're going through. I don't know if there is a 'plan' or 'karma' or anything of the sort, but I know that life is just as much about playing your hand, not just the cards you've been dealt. Everyone has a shot at making their own happiness. I hope you find yours x

saffron, helen, midwife and dexy thank you so much for the positivity :) it's really appreciated. I've been feeling totally wiped out today with back/SPD pain kicking off. DS and I have been tootling around on our own for two days while my parents visit with my sister and work away this week, and lovely as it is to just enjoy him it is also bloody hard work when I have to grit my teeth each time I go upstairs or lift him into his highchair.

kira I tell some of the kids I work with that interesting people get that way by living through interesting times :) and even though you might do that sooner than some of your peers, it just means you get to bank your interesting bits when you're young so you can enjoy the strength it gives you faster... I am going to have to remind myself of that while this part of my life plays out.

I saw my solicitor today, for some of the most expensive reassurance I've ever had. H's emails/texts about not allowing him to be a parent etc have kinds been getting to me so I just took my records down and our agreements re: contact for her to look over (and to set my mind at ease that he can't just swan in and start taking them off for long weekends anytime soon). She said that it takes most of her clients months if not a year or more, plus mediation, to agree over kids. If anything she told me not to give any more ground and hold him accountable for the agreement we have - then reduce my involvement with him (eg emails/phone etc) to the absolute minimum if its upsetting me. She said I have already offered him what a court would grant him with children this age, and the situation re housing etc is so cut and dried nobody would even consider filing for a residence order, because it's so obvious they should live with me. So I feel much better about that, although it kinda rams it home to me how far down this road we've come so quickly :(

Choco, I've been catching up with your thread and am amazed at your strength and courage. Glad to hear that your solicitor seems to be on the ball, and that she's giving you some sensible guidelines about exactly how reasonable to be. You're doing a fantastic job of being dignified and reasonable and doing the right thing for the children- you don't have to shoulder your H's part of the being reasonable burden too, he's got to meet you in the middle. And he clearly has a totally screwed sense of give and take in relationships, and no idea how to even consider the effects of his actions on the children.

I can't quite figure out from your posts how soon you expect him to be taking both children out together (I might have misunderstood the bit about 6 weeks)- just hoping that you're not feeling under pressure to get H spending time with the baby before either you or DS2 is ready for that. You don't have to do the right thing by your H.

Your parents sound wonderful BTW, and I agree that allowing your MIL to remain an active part of your lives is really important.

Ah Choco, I know that feeling of wondering how life seemed to turn upside down overnight. It's like someone you trusted absolutely suddenly rewrote your future without even bothering to tell you. Terribly confusing. However, good things will come out of this too. Your new life WILL be better. I didn't realise how rubbish my old life was until I made a new one for myself and filled it only with people who love me.

You might see a change in your H's attitude when he realises you have seen a solicitor. Just remember that you hold all the winning cards. He has nothing that you need. Don't let him manipulate you and always be aware that he has only one agenda. Himself.

hello...

I don't know how I feel today :( Just had an email from H. Some money stuff, some 'I've been a zombie since saturday' (when he last saw DS) etc type stuff that is just unnecessary and upsetting. I'm not replying, but we have a skype scheduled tonight for him to see DS which I'm getting cold feet about. I just don't want to have to do it, but doubtless I will because I seem to find it impossible to just say no when I don't feel up to something...

I have no idea when H will go out with both kids, or when I'll be ready for that to happen. I guess I am just trying to have a kind of plan, to give me a sense of security between now and then. Until time passes who knows what he will want/turn up for/ask for?

DP that's exactly how I feel... like someone just rewrote my life and handed me the new version, but I'm playing catch up cos I'm always a few pages behind. I've not spelled out to H about seeing solicitors etc, but maybe I should? I'm really tired today and I just don't want to have to be doing this...

But I'm going to take DS to see a friend for the afternoon and make pancakes for the toddlers tea, which will cheer me up. And he had his first settling session at the new nursery today, which went well. So all is not lost - I am just feeling a bit sad I guess, and it sucks that I can't switch it off.

Play your cards closely to your chest - do not tell him what you intend to do re solicitors etc.

I think you really need to think about getting a PAYG mobile for his texts and a seperate email address - that way you get to deal with his communications when you are ready and in the right frame of mind. It must be so draining having to deal with his self pitying crap when you are in so much pain.

TBH, I don't think I could do skype with such a young child, because you have to be there with your DC.

DS does it, but he is much older and is by himself.

Could you just leave your DS in front of the camera and let dad deal with him?

Try not to engage your ex.

Somebody please slap me quick - I'm feeling sorry for him.

We had an 8minute Skype in the end, and DS handled it fairly well. He's been asking for daddy all day so it was nice to be able to show him where daddy is, even though it is sucky for me. DS did a lot of excited waving, blowing kisses, pointing at daddy and then said 'bye bye' about 20 times before hopping off my lap and going off to play. No tears this time, thank god.

So the stupid thing is, after a lovely bath time/cuddle/giggle sesh with DS and putting him to bed, I weirdly feel sort of sorry for H that he doesn't get to enjoy any of this. I realise this is MENTAL and I need to stop. I was considering texting him a pic of DS in his pj's... then suddenly thought, um, hello? That's the kind of thing you do when your partner is unavoidable working away and missing his kid. Not the kind of thing you do when he's shagging his OW in your marital home instead of helping out with your kid.

Feel a bit stupid and lonely and sad now :(

You're not stupid at all. Please don't ever think that. You're just a woman who's coming to terms with a loss. I think as mum's, sharing that sort of special moment is second nature but it will take a while for that reaction to fade somewhat.

I'm just a lurker really but I think you're doing amazingly well to be coping with so much in such a short space of time.

Big hugs xx

thank you mouse, maybe it is just a mummy thing. I'm also sad that he just doesn't seem to want to be part of these moments too. Am trying to remember all the reasons why anger is a more constructive emotion...

I'm quite pissed off about this actually... I found out from MIL on Monday that H runs all emails/texts I have sent or received from him by my FIL for approval first :( So even the minimal contact I've had from him has all been going through the venomous twat that is my FIL, and H isn't even taking responsibility for sending me a bloody text message on his own. I am not surprised, the language he's been using is so out of character I knew someone was 'helping' him. I guess I didn't want to probe in case it was the OW and I just got more hurt. Seriously though, to take as your one and only moral compass/guide, the man who has abandoned and abused both his families (first and second wife, both sets of kids) and treated his long term gf so badly she finally left him last year, after emotional abuse and infidelity... wtf is H even thinking right now?

Focusing on that is actually helping a little bit. Twunts. Both of them

Agree with mousebacon

You are a mum who wants to share every special moment with a special person and H used to be that special person. He isn't now because of what he's done to you. It is a shame but don't feel stupid. It's completely natural and normal to feel that way

Perhaps when ds is old enough to understand computers/emails you could create an email address for him and send pics / messages on his behalf.

Hope you feel a bit better soon. Nighttimes are crap- everything is always 100 times worse than during the day

X- post

Wtf! Isn't he capable of drafting a text without daddy looking over him? arsehole comes to mind oh shit have given up swearing for lent and failed immediately

lol I know, right? Did I accidentally marry a 14 year old? gah...

"I found out from MIL on Monday that H runs all emails/texts I have sent or received from him by my FIL for approval first"

I'm less surprised than I should be about the FIL thing. I've had an inkling since your early post about what your FIL said to you that his influence here was strong.

At least now you know that you are effectively reading e-mails from your FIL you can stop giving the bollocks in them so much headspace.

It is so unspeakably pathetic, but I guess if you have done something so utterly despicable that everyone you know hates you, you are likely to run for cover to the one person you know will tell you that walking out on your family is a fine thing to do.

Growing up with a father like that has obviously fucked him up. Which I know can only be a worry considering he is now the father of your two sons, but I think if anyone can make sure your boys grow up without his toxic influence being the dominant influence in their lives, it's you.

I love that time just before they go to bed, pjs on, all snuggly. He's a total fool x

"at least now you know that you are effectively reading e-mails from your FIL"...

sigh isn't that so bloody sad? Or am I just having a sad day. Hmmm. You're completely right AThingInYourLife, it is unspeakable pathetic.

sorry x-posted - me too mouse :) that, and the first morning snuggle before he gets the wiggles and has to run around like a mad thing lol

I know what you mean about sharing things.

I often remind DS to tell his dad about his achievements.
In a normal breakup I'd probably post or send pics myself. :(

It's a normal reaction, as others said.

thanks Lueji, I'm sorry you have to think about these things too :( I'm looking forwards to caring less.

Choc about your ghastly FIL: I went to a muslim comedy film the other day (very funny) and there was a scene where boy says:

I love her, I want to marry her

Father (with cap and beard) says solemnly:

You don't marry her, you marry the family.

I sat there, struck that that was one of the truest things I have heard in a long time.

[As well as Charbon's comment (to Grey I think) that 'the marriage problems' he is blaming for his affair are assuredly the wife's reactions to his clear, prior [selfishness]. That HE is often the problem in the marriage! Sorry Charbon that is an extrapolation not direct quote but that the affair is the final hurtful part of a pattern that started long before is what she was saying...]

Think about it. You marry the coping skills he learned, off people you clocked pretty quickly were a bit strange/learned later was not a little dysfunctional - but didn't think applied to you.
You marry the feud/not talking to another because communication empathy and resolution skills are severely lacking - but think that your love will conquer all and THAT won't happen to you!
You see him do something you don't quite like, that he learned in his family of origin (my H is 'somewhat' anti-social unlike friendly me) - but think that you can lovingly change and heal him.

Do you hear my hollow laughter. Those red flags were staring me in the face, and I IGNORED them, because we were so in love.
I will and do clearly tell my children (age appropriate): it doesn't matter how much you love him/her. Watch the mother, the behaviour of the father, look at how the family get on. If there is any wierdness, feuds, distance, RUN. It WILL affect you! In a not happy way!!

abitwobblynow - I wasn't going to post this, but I somehow feel compelled to: I find your comments really upsetting. As you can see from the relationship boards here, some of us manage to rise our families and backgrounds. We struggle with issues for years, but work on them and become more than were we came from.

And frankly I find it offensive to suggest that anyone who has a difficult family should be avoided like the plague.