how could he :(

[chocoraisin]

I've just come 'home' after staying with my parents for a month, having found out about the OW the week after NY. I'm 17 weeks pg, with an 18mo DS.

So I'm back at the place I have shared with H for nearly 4 years, and our neighbours (who are lovely and devastated on mine and DS's behalf) brought me pizza for tea to be supportive. I stupidly asked them if she had been seen here. H has sworn blind he wouldn't do anything in our home. I know I shouldn't have asked, think I was stupid enough to be looking for reassurance.

Apparently they regularly see her leaving in the morning in the month I've been away. AND heard them having sex. My neighbour could have sugar coated it, but to be fair, I asked and she was so embarrassed and upset for me I know it was one of those 'oh god she put me on the spot, crap I'll just blurt it out' moments, not said to hurt me.

We share a one bed flat. He has had sex with her in our bed. Next to our sons cot. Below our wedding photo on the wall. And she knows I'm pregnant.

How could he? Never mind what kind of a skank she must be to be ok with that. He has been texting/calling this month acting like we can be instant best friends... and perfect 'coparents'... but my trust in him is shattered. I hate the thought of being near him. I literally feel sick about having no option but to sleep in that bed tonight.

I don't know what to do :( I just need some hand holding tonight please.

To top it off, DS is exhausted but after a month away won't settle in his cot and just shrieks when I put him down so I'm looking at another long, broken night. 'Daddy' is due to visit tomorrow for his contact time.

I can't believe what's happened to my life :(

kirakira23 feel better soon by the way! I really hope it's nothing serious and you get back to yourself asap! Hospital sucks. Thanks for your lovely message x

Thanks hon! > to you too!

Good on you, Choco. You ARE indeed a huge threat to her. Feel the power. This is a woman who has caught a very slippery fish and won't know how to hold on to him or whether she even wants to. The chances of them living happily ever after are very slim indeed. But that is all irrelevant to you now. Concentrate on yourself.

Sadly ex is bound to let you & DCs down again & again. My ex took me to court for a weekly saturday overnight contact order for our 9 month old baby (he was made to leave by the police following DV when she was a small baby) which he got because I didn't contest. Fast forward a few months & I had to be a bridesmaid 200 miles away & had to go Thursday & return Sunday for rehearsals & the ceremony etc. I asked him to have her thurs to Sunday but he refused & said if she was not there for him to collect on saturday at 5pm as usual he would take me back to court. Obviously I had to take her with me for the weekend. He applied to court to have a penal order (ie have me sent to prison for breaking the order). We went to court, the judge tore him off a strip & awarded costs of £5000 to me. He was given a revised contact order in which I can give a week's notice anytime to say DD is unavailable much to his fury.

However, since he met another woman he doesn't bother seeing her half as much & cancels contact regularly. He's always late to collect her & goes on holiday with his gf & her kids without DD. It just goes to show that to begin with the man demands his right to see his DCs but after a bit of time & another woman is involved they mostly withdraw.

I hope that doesn't happen to you but it may be wise to be prepared & make sure you are not depending on him in any way when DS2 comes along.

I think he will let you down many times too, choco

Whatever you do, make sure that within your plans there is inbuilt provision for that

Choco- I don't post in relationships usually, but your dignity and grace have pulled me out of lurkdom.

What a beautiful, beautiful person you are.

I, too, predict a glorious future for you and your little family.

Wow you are amazing. Are you a counsellor?

no... but I've had a few. Bit of backstory for those who may be interested, don't think I'm looking for sympathy or anything if you're not interested though. I wouldn't explain normally but I suppose it will account for some of my acceptance re: H which may otherwise seem a bit odd. For starters, I wish H was the first one my 'twat radar' misjudged. Sadly not :(

My first love cheated on me with a friend of mine (who I introduced to him) for 8 months. He stole money from me, sponged off me and lied to me, even to the extent of going travelling with her for a month while claiming to be working abroad, which he borrowed money from me to fund. He randomly proposed to me to throw me off the scent when I questioned his weird behaviour, then pursued me for almost a year after I left him (and he moved in with her) asking if I would take him back, within days of proposing to her. I was with him almost 3 years in my early 20's.

For the next three years, trust me, I didn't know the meaning of the word serenity. I drank myself to oblivion often, became anorexic and nursed a hatred - seriously, utter, all consuming violent hatred - towards them both. End result? I was sick, tired, lonely, overwhelmed, moving nowhere. And did they care? Um, no. They got married, and by all accounts are happy and settled now. So, number one lesson learned? Being angry and hating people can literally make you self-destruct. What is cannot do is destroy anyone else. For the most part, you'll be lucky if the object of your hatred even notices.

So... fast forward to now. I ditched the attitude, the eating disorder, the alcohol and met H. We fell in love. We got married. I got a new career working with teenagers leaving foster care (a healthy dose of humility swiftly followed, now I know what an actually shit life looks like. And am humbled by how so many are able to rise above it even as children) H and I planned our own children, and DS came along. Meanwhile I had had lots of counselling etc and reconstructed some fairly rock solid self esteem...

So nope, I'm not a counsellor. But I'll be damned if I will let another stupid man strip so much of my self esteem away that I'd rather starve myself into submission than move on. Add in a healthy dose of motivation in the shape of two small boys (one still brewing) and I guess my new attitude is set in stone. I will not, cannot, absolutely DO NOT allow anyone to damage my own belief in myself, because I know what that will cost me. I worked too damn hard to get here. Nobody, not even my children's father, is going to get to me that much.

I guess the flip side of having been so fucking miserable before, is that it also gives me some insight into what H will have to live with eventually. I've yet to meet anyone who engages in self destructive behaviour (of any kind) who doesn't feel partly motivated by shame. H refuses to face anything about himself head on. He exercises to suppress his feelings (by his own admission), and rather than talk to me about our marriage, he opted out entirely and just 'fixed' himself with an affair. He told me in our counselling session that he was too afraid to tell me he wasn't sure about our relationship in case it meant we split up and eventually I stopped him from being part of his children's lives. So... his solution? Do the one thing guaranteed to make most women so utterly bereft and hurt that they don't want their partner around their children. Yeah, go figure. I think that counts as self-destructive behaviour. Something tells me there will be a lot more of that to come.

I know he's not going to do anything about the way he reacts to life. I know there's no point trying to talk to him about it. I know that the OW has all that to look forward to... so, if I'm not going to let myself be consumed with the pain, and I'm not going to be consumed with wanting to change him, I'm left with one option really. Get the fuck on with life.

So in short, I suppose this is a second chance for me to not be totally self-absorbed when life shits on me from a great height. I am dealing with it basically by thinking not why me, but why not me? Yeah, it's a cliche. But it's working (mostly). But rest assured, I have dealt with my crap SPECTACULARLY badly before. I just decided not to do the same thing second time over.

"He told me in our counselling session that he was too afraid to tell me he wasn't sure about our relationship in case it meant we split up and eventually I stopped him from being part of his children's lives."

Sounds like post-hoc justification and manipulative bullshit to me.

Why do you believe it?

"I started an affair around the time you got pregnant with our second child because I was afraid you'd stop me seeing our children."

Said at counselling where he's trying to convince you not to move home?

Right

You were probably closer with sociopath.

I'm actually inclined to agree AThingInYourLife

that doesn't make me feel much better though!

feel a bit about my post tonight. Um, overshare much? Sorry. Prob should have read back before pressing post... seem to be on here so much I forget it's not actually advisable to give ones entire life history... apologies!

You are a beautiful, amazing woman. :)

If it helps to share Choco, then crack on.

A Thing, I think I understand and agree with your post on the last page much more clearly, so thanks for clarification.

Choco don't worry we will hold your confidences and not abuse you. Well, I certainly won't. Who could flame vulnerability?

Your H sounds like a complete narcissist. Narcissists never change, because in order to do so they would have to look at themselves. To negotiate a relationships they would have to take responsibility for 50% of the issues, and care enough about the other person to think about them. None of this they can do. Which by his and your admission he won't. They are impossible.

I am sure you can think of many occassions where he let you down, refused to listen to you or acknowledged the problem. From mini minor to major.

I do wish they would teach twat radar and twat red flags to GCSE level... I ignored big ones, in my arrogance that 'my love will change/heal him'!!! Idiot (shakes her head at her stupid, younger self)

You are doing so well, sorry it hurts so much x

No, it's a great post.

Sorry, the bit I picked just leapt out at me. It wasn't the sum of my thoughts.

It's just when someone seems so sorted, a response can seem kind of redundant :)

Sad to hear you've been through so much shit before. It certainly seems to have made you stronger. To be able to face down what you've still got to go through and know you'll get through it is rare and admirable.

I feel like I'm sweeping behind you with a dustpan and brush, like a demented priest's housekeeper, picking up the crumbs that fall when you seem to be judging your xH by your own standards.

It's the only way I can make myself useful.

Or another human pyramid maybe? :o

Cynicism and gymnastics - it's all I have to offer :)

runs in, red faced and panting wearing too tight cheerleader outfit, using pom pom to hide paunch

Wow. Have spent the day reading this whole thread between looking after DS. Bloody hell Choco - you've got some guts. I couldn't just read and run without saying how much this thread has touched me, and how inspiring your bravery is.

I was your DS2 28 years ago. My Dad left my Mum when she was six months pregnant with me and my sister was 3.5. She was emptying his sports bag one day and found sordid love letters from the woman who became and is still, my stepmum. My Mum was utterly devastated of course, but kicked him out. He came back a couple of times but the utter lunatic that is my stepmum stalked him, sitting outside the house flashing lights at the house and other completely bonkers acts. My Dad being the spineless shit he was - left. I just wanted to say, my Mum never said a bad word about him, asked all our questions honestly but without malice or spite and was an all round pretty admirable person with the way she faced it all. Over time, eventually my stepmum would occasionally come and collect us when my Dad couldn't and even now when I recall those times, I can remember the awkwardness/shame from my stepmum - even when years had passed. I was totally unaffected by it all having been born into the situation but my sister, still bears the scars. We didn't know the ins and outs of it until as adults expecting our own babies, my sister and I explored the story more with Mum. She had kept a diary of things that had happened which may sound odd but it was quite factual, she said she wanted to be able to give us the truth when we asked and it not be blurred with her feelings.

My Mum has gone on to marry a wonderful man, who sister and I adore. They have had a long happy, guilt free relationship. The same can not be said for Dad and SM. They have built a life on a network of lies, her never having had her own children, they tell people of their "two children" and have on occasion asked us to tell people SM is our Mum. We never have. They have lived their life trying to justify their actions to themselves and others and know people judge them both for their terrible behaviour.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, one day your STBXHB will have to look his sons in the eye and live by his actions and explain why he did what he did. No amount of time will change the facts. He's the one who has to live with that, not you.

I think your sons are very blessed to have you as a Mum, especially considering what a fucktard their Dad is. I wish you all the love, luck and happiness for your future.

"If you're going through hell - keep going."

Winston Chirchill.

Xxxxxx

About bloody time Dexy - this human pyramid won't build itself!

:o

Sorry! Couldn't find cycling shorts to wear under the skirt!!

I don't feel entirely comfortable in my miniskirt.

My wife says it's too small

Nothing to add to your last post, choco

< not worthy >

Is there room for a little one on that human pyramid ?

Ok AF you can be top of the pyramid..... scuffs ground with clearly unused trainers trying not to look jealous

you can be on the top, dexy, along with preggers choco

I have broad shoulders

hahaha, I love the human pyramids! Do not underestimate the healing power of a too-tight-cheerleading outfit. Thank you for being so lovely, yet again.

I still judge myself pretty harshly for some of my past mistakes, probably explains why I want to run and hide behind the sofa after sharing them... I still expect other people to look at me and think jeez, what a stupid bitch. Obviously she did a pretty shit job of picking her partners, only this time she went and had babies with him too. I mean, DOH! But then I suppose I should realise that I'm the one beating myself up with a big stick, and self-flagellation isn't pretty.

Dexy I'm so glad your mum has been such a strong and positive role model for you, and that she found happiness again :) that's very reassuring to hear! I've been keeping a diary of sorts, just keeping track of emails sent/received, visits offered and attended, reasons why they were cut short if they were etc. I have tried to write it with the thought that my boys may read it one day in the back of my mind. It's pretty hard though to not want to record every last detail of his insufferable behaviour.

wobbly narcissist sounds about right. Describes my FIL too :(

Preggo Choco needs to be the top of the pyramid for sure.

Choco - keep the angry diary too, would be hugely cathartic xxx

Oh, Chocco, dont beat yourself up at all trust me, most of us have been there big time ourselves! No one comes out into adulthood without bearing a bit of baggage - its just a question of how you then handle it - beautifully, it would appear, in your case!