how could he :(

[chocoraisin]

I've just come 'home' after staying with my parents for a month, having found out about the OW the week after NY. I'm 17 weeks pg, with an 18mo DS.

So I'm back at the place I have shared with H for nearly 4 years, and our neighbours (who are lovely and devastated on mine and DS's behalf) brought me pizza for tea to be supportive. I stupidly asked them if she had been seen here. H has sworn blind he wouldn't do anything in our home. I know I shouldn't have asked, think I was stupid enough to be looking for reassurance.

Apparently they regularly see her leaving in the morning in the month I've been away. AND heard them having sex. My neighbour could have sugar coated it, but to be fair, I asked and she was so embarrassed and upset for me I know it was one of those 'oh god she put me on the spot, crap I'll just blurt it out' moments, not said to hurt me.

We share a one bed flat. He has had sex with her in our bed. Next to our sons cot. Below our wedding photo on the wall. And she knows I'm pregnant.

How could he? Never mind what kind of a skank she must be to be ok with that. He has been texting/calling this month acting like we can be instant best friends... and perfect 'coparents'... but my trust in him is shattered. I hate the thought of being near him. I literally feel sick about having no option but to sleep in that bed tonight.

I don't know what to do :( I just need some hand holding tonight please.

To top it off, DS is exhausted but after a month away won't settle in his cot and just shrieks when I put him down so I'm looking at another long, broken night. 'Daddy' is due to visit tomorrow for his contact time.

I can't believe what's happened to my life :(

... give us an "O" and a raisin! We did it!

Hi Choco oddly DS is watching recorded American Superbowl in the back ground !!

Sorry been working just got home so a quick hello and supportive hug x

Hi Chico, just checking in again. I empathise with the nursery thing - I've just gone back to work post mat leave, and leaving your LO when they're not on good form is heart rending. Now, are you eating? Even if just some toast. Hunger and dehydration can HUGELY affect you. And having a nice bath or something in the evening once DS is asleep?

Chico....choco....bloody autocorrect

Choco if the picture of us as cheerleaders is too disconcerting,(!) when you are at the counselling session, imagine us all surrounding you, all with arms folded and stony unimpressed faces listening to your ex H worming through his thoughts. When he piles on the emotional blackmail etc we will as one be saying " Nope. Doesn't wash. You git."

Another member of the Choco fan-club here! You are truly fabulous and a huge "well done" for not giving him the satisfaction of replying to his self-indulgent emails. Even though it must be so tempting to explain how low you have been feeling, you have been so strong to maintain a dignified distance from him and keep it all calm and straight-talking.

It doesn't matter how 'guilty' he feels or how this affects him. You don't even need to explain how much it has hurt you (because his enormous ego will translate that to mean that you still love him and that you would have him back if things didn't work out with OW).

The only thing he needs to hear is how his actions have affected his son and that whatever happens from now on will be based solely around what is best for your 2 DCs.

Explain how you have support in place to enable you to manage on your own, detailing all the ways you have taken control of the situation (just to rub it in that he may have started this, but now it is on your terms). Tell him that you expect him to arrange child-friendly places, activities and transport to facilitate his time with your son without your involvement, as this is his responsibility. As others have mentioned, he can visit his family if he's stuck for somewhere warm to go.

Being detached and seemingly uncaring will be the best payback he can get apart from AF's bit about another man's cock obviously!

morning lovelies :)

You lot really cheer me up you do. I am feeling almost ok right now. This probably has a large amount to do with eating chocolate orange for breakfast, and it being more than 2 hours since leaving a hysterical DS at nursery again this morning. Poor wee man, when we put his coat on to get in the car he was cheery as chips singing Daddy, Daddy, Daddy... when we got to nursery he burst into tears straight away (I followed suit the second I was out of sight). It's so, so hard and I know the only way to get him through it is to be positive and consistent myself... but it just makes me angry and so disappointed on his behalf. It's clear he has a very strong bond with my H which in the past I would have been delighted about but now I just feel sick and frustrated for my lovely little boy... it makes me so cross that I can't do anything to make him feel better - time may heal but when you're only one and a half, time goes pretty slowly :(

Oh dear. After that little rant I might need to break open the emergency crunchie bar as well.

x

Awwww, poor little DS. Glad you've got chocolate. Remember to buy another bar for when you come down off the first sugar rush. Could you offer DS a little treat for the weekend...like, two more days of nursery, and then we have [trip to park/new toy/massive chocolate cake for tea] and remind him of that every morning?

thanks HandMini I just keep saying 'Daddy is working but we'll have a special visit soon' and trying to distract him sharpish. I don't think he understands when tomorrow/the weekend or even two more days is...

It's just all very fresh and immediate right now. Hopefully in time we'll be able to arrange some more frequent visits... but I need my space as well, and the balance is so hard. I'm just not ready for H to be in the house doing bedtime routine and I don't actually think that would help DS anyway while he gets used to it just being me and him. But that's all H could do around work, so I has to stick to the end of the week afternoon visits for now.

Can I join the fanclub?

choco you're a star.

Wow. You are great.

I have no advice but to feel for your little one. But you know, when your dc2 comes your ds will have someone else to love too, I look at my dd and ds and know they couldn't possibly love each other any more currently and that distraction (be it a few months for you) is heartwarming. (I am not in your situation at all but dh spends nights away and they do always ask when he is coming back).

As well as MN get yourself a huge great pad a little notebook and write down all the venom you feel and get it out. Then have a ceremonial burning or shredding of the letters. Don't show them to him, or anyone else. Or you could keep them and turn them into a book earning you loads of dosh

Hi. Just wanted to say that I am full of admiration at how well you are coping.

Writing it all down would be an excellent way of managing your feelings as it gives you a controllable release, and you could get it published, as Figgy said!

Your ds will be fine. My friends dd was about the same age when her dad left and 2 years on she is very settled and knows she is safe with her wonderful mum. Give it time and once a routine is in place he can start to feel safe again.

Xxx

You're right not to let H do the bedtime routine yet. Once you're in your own place and he is very firmly 'just visiting' it will be less unsettling for all of you.

If H questions this explain to him that it would send the wrong messages to your precious DS if Daddy comes back into the 'family' home for whatever reason. Poor little mite needs to understand that he's left for good or he will get very confused. He will get used to the new situation quickly - that's one thing about kids, they are so adaptable and put up with change so much better than we do!

Don't let H fob you off by making it about you 'keeping his son from him' or whatever, as you know that's not what its about at the moment, its about DS feeling settled and secure and knowing where he stands.

Have another custard cream on me. You're doing brilliantly.

Oh My - OP this is one of the worst thing I've ever read on MN. I very much feel for you.

What vile thoughtless pricks. How your ex could treat you so callously beggars belief. You sound so strong though - stay focused, stay strong, slowly this will all turn around and get much better.

Can I join the Choco fan club too? I think you are doing amazingly well. I liked drastic's advice about playing it cool and the pressure being on DH and OW now. How true.

I have deleted about 3 versions of my letter now...

I realise nothing good will come of venting at him. I give up - there's nothing really to say, other than I forgive him. Which might sound like madness to most of you. But really, I am only releasing myself from anger if I do - he still has to live with what he's done. Me forgiving him doesn't mean he will forgive himself. But it might mean I am able to move on sooner, and happier.

And forgiving him doesn't mean taking him back. All it means is I let it go. It's happened, it can't be changed. Wishing it different and hating him doesn't hurt him - it hurts me. And when I hurt, my babies suffer.

Before anyone thinks I'm being a saint or anything silly, I am still utterly, utterly devastated and grieving - I am sat here crying knowing that this is the only thing I can do. I am not doing it for him. I'm doing it for me, and my babies. And it hurts me, so badly, to let it go. But I told myself from the start I want to keep my dignity, and no matter how many ways I try to approach it, I think this is the only way that I can. It's the only way to be a better person. In the end, it will affect him more than any screaming or crying could ever do. I don't want him to switch off while I tell him he's a shit. I want him to listen, while I explain that I loved him, and I still love myself and will do good things with my life despite what he's done. I want him to see that I was worth more than what he did. I deserved better.

I just feel so fucking alone and the pain really hurts, so much. I can't carry on feeling like this forever. I want to make it stop.

Are you still going to relate?

I can see how you feel - my FIL still hurts badly after 20 years and has not been able to forgive. This has totally distorted him as a person to a bitter and angry man.

MIL still sees nothing wrong with her behaviour.

You are being sensible given how raw all this is. Very admirable. you are definitely the bigger person

choco...you do what you need to do to make you feel better

whatever maintains your peace with yourself

his conscience and his peace of mind is his own problem

I agree that sometimes the best way to move on is to let it go

get on with your life, you and your babies x

thank you x

You're amazing. And so right. You could let this eat you up for the next god knows how long. To the detriment of you, your children, your relationships.

I'm truly impressed (and a little bit humbled)

I agree with all of your plans - no shouting , brief head held high scenario.

I would not tell him yet that you forgive him though. I would keep those thoughts to yourself for now. Its very early and raw and you wont know how you feel deep down for a good while yet. He doesnt need or deserve to be privy to your thoughts atm. Also he will be busily rewriting history and forgiving himself left right and centre anyway.

It may sound unpleasant but you may yet need his guilt for help of a practical nature and for fulfilling his obligations to his dc

You sound like you are doing great choco x

maybe you're right :( I am having doubts again. I just don't know what on earth I will actually say to him there if I don't go prepared. I don't want to lose my temper or show him I'm hurting any more than necessary. I don't want to ask lots of questions, or fixate on details.

Maybe I still don't know if I should go at all.

I am so confused :(

Hi choco, AF is right. Do whatever feels right for you.

I personally believe forgiveness is a positive thing. It's not about letting someone 'off the hook', it's about letting go, moving towards a position of peace and taking your power back.

I haven't been able to consider forgiveness until I have done the usual stages of grief, (usually several times over and in a jumbled up order). It says a great deal about you that you are considering it already and I take my hat off to you.

Don't feel any pressure to do it until you feel ready though.

How are you feeling about the session on Friday?

Saw your other thread about his insensitive comments . Outrageous!

You're doing great.

(too early to talk of forgiveness imo, early days)