DP wants to buy food seperately

[NotTheBlinkingGruffaloAgain]

Me and DP have lived together for 2 years but for the first year and a half we lived in a commune with 30 other people with a cooking rota.
Now we live in a cottage together (since last September) he is really annoying me, he wants us to buy our own food and do our own shopping.
But when I come home from work I find that he has been eating my food so I go to get breakfast and its gone.
It really pisses me off that he refuses to shop with me but when I'm out, he eats all my (good quality) food.
What can I do?
Tonight we got into a silly argument, I said look I want to start shopping together for food and he got angry saying you eat my pea nut butter and my bread, so petty ad juvenile. But I'm starting to resent him eating my food whilst refusing to pay for any of it AHHH help!

Good Lord woman. I have just seen this.

He sounds like a boring old hippy.
Who is incredibly selfish
Who wants to live with a mother figure without the rules and with the sex (ick).

If he was 19 I would say - give him time and set the boundaries firmly.

But he is middle aged FFS he aint never gonna change.

Leave the Bastard.

Any news on the room yet? It would do you some good to do some positive fantasization (new word!) about what you'll put in there if you get it, like where your special things will go and what you'll put on the walls.

This man has now pushed things too far and now that he's show his true colours -Go to your room- I'm sorry to say that there will be no coming back from there. He clearly does not see you as an equal and being the age he is, he never will.

I GUARANTEE you that a few months from now you'll look back and be slightly embarrassed that you didn't get out earlier...you will also be immeasurably happier and more self fulfilled.
Don't forget to take the lessons you have learned in this relationship, and keep applying them to life and the choices you make about the next relationship you have.

"AND AND.. the other day while he was drying himself in the bathroom after a shower he said 'can you get me a pair of pants out of the drawer?' I said no because he would have to walk past that room (with the pants in) to get to bed any way, he said 'you don't love me' and I just said 'don't be ridiculous I'm not here to fetch you your pants'."

Well I don't know about this one, I'd just have fetched them - and I'm nobody's slave. But that's because I'm in a relationship where we do little things for each other, and where we can ask each other to do little things. Sounds like you're both past that.

It's really had to put this in a way that doesn't sound like a criticism, it really isnt though so please don't take it that way. I think it might help you to sit and have a look at your finances - your own I mean, not jointly. Take a really detailed look at how much you have coming in, and where it goes.

The fact that you often borrow money to him sends him the message that you can't manage your money, so why are his debts such a big deal?

In addition, if you're planning to move into a place by yourself (be it the room you've enquired about or a different one) you'll need to manage by yourself, so getting to know your finances intimately is essential. Seriously, knowledge is power.

And finally, if nothing else, stopping borrowing from him gives him one less thing to whinge about.

I do hope you get this room and move out, as I think it will be great for you. I remember the feeling when you get out of a failing relationship and your real self starts to come back. It's great :)

Oh, and "go to your room" ???? Seriously? I am astonished.

borrow money from* him

maybe if she didnt need to keep buying more food because the greedy bastard had eaten it, she wouldnt need to borrow any money from him.

I hope you get that room, Gruff, and promise me that as a parting shot, you will tel him that you are 'going to your room'

at Nettle, do promise, Gruff

I would have got the pants for my DH.

The correct response would have been to agree with him, you don't love him.

Now that argument is me being touchy and unreasonable and childish. However, please note, not at any time did DH send me to my room.

:o This just made me LOL in the the office. How embarrassing.

So, are you going to leave, or will you consider staying so you can entertain us some more?

On a serious note, good on you for being able to read the writing on the wall.

How are you doing today?

When you move out, make sure you take everything you are entitled to (ie half of the furniture), you might not need it now, but you might in time or you could sell it, he shouldn't benefit out of all of it.

Good Luck - hope to hear your update soon!

She will need it - she's got a fab single girls shagpalace flat to furnish

Do stop regaling us with stories of the wizened one
Get your act together and move out

And serious note do reflect what attracts you to domineering men.old enough to be dad

scottishmummy OP is not regaling us with stories. She is describing things that she has recently lived through. Previously, she did not fully realise they might constitute abuse. Now she is noticing her life in a new way, and we are privileged that she is sharing the processing with us here.

Oh I don't think it's as angst as you're making out
I do detect she is got bit mirth about this bizzre situation.and yes we are being regaled ever so slightly

Well that's good isn't it, it's the beginning of the process innit, looking wryly at your 'relationship'? A stage I was in for several years, I stayed as long as I could, and don't regret it.

Believe me, I had to read and post a lot on the abuse thread all kinds of little stuff, it does give us a laugh even as we know, each from her own experience, how difficult it can be to untangle yourself from this. Yes, you can cut the Gordian knot, but why not keep the uncut rope as a lifeline - get out slowly and steadily one step at a time. Stbx has no-where to to, I have done things like sort his books to one end of the shelf, mine to the other. Separated things within our shared living space. There is always one small step you can take to freedom. :)

Pp do you always talk such right on socialsciencetastic guff
Op isn't in a therapeutic community
Nor are mn online strangers a hushed privileged Audience
We are strAngers chewin the fat,opining and the op is being bitty tongue in cheek,and engaging well with the overall riposte

uncut rope as a lifeline? depends how much time you have to waste. innit

Exactly. My situation is quite different to the OPs, yet I recognise many of the same patterns that I have experienced first hand in my own abusive relationship. I had kids.

I'm trained as a conversation analyst and cognitive psychologist, and I have AS. It may come across as a humour failure, but I can assure you it isn't. The things I could tell you about stbx...don't get me started, that would be regaling you with stories of a wizened one

Chuck your hat in the ring,spill beans on mr knob
Your wizened one

OK then, from last year, the Battle of the Downstairs Toilet.

We have no toliet roll holder in said bathroom, the bog roll is on wide skirting. But usually when I came to actually need it, it had moved to the top of the low level cistern, so I had to reach round behind me to get it. OH was putting it back there after he'd used it. I asked him repeatedly not to do it, if I left it there then next time he would use the one on the floor, and then replace it on the cistern WTF. eventuallly I tied one roll to the radiator pipe with string, that meant at least there was always some where I actually needed it to be.

Not too long after that, I noticed sprinkles on the toilet seat. I wiped them, but I kept finding new ones. Listening outside the door it was clear OH was not lifting the seat before peeing. I tackled him, asking him if he did lift the seat, and saying I had found sprinkles. His reply: 'Well I sometimes find your sprinkles' (WTAF) I thought for a moment, and then said 'In my family's house, we were taught that gentlemen lift the seat'

His instinctive reaction to any issue being raised, big or small, is to immediately blame the other person for a similar misdemeanour, or explain that his behaviour was their fault really.

Wry amusement. Kept me going for a bit, anyway

Hopefully you will get the room. Then you can tell him "You're going to your room. And luckly for you in somewhere else. Bye" .

Gruff, we would really like to know how things are going for you. I've been thinking about you so I hope you can update if it feels right to do so.

Gruffallo How are you? How's things?

Arr Its so interesting reading this, I (a year on)
am now enjoying living in the same house, my best friend has moved in and lodges with me, I have a gorgeous boyfriend who is emotionally intelligent and funny.
I have dinner parties here every month, I've lost 1.5 stone in weight, got in to uni and though it was a painful break up I'm so glad I did, thanks for your support, it so funny reading this back from my current point of view.
It took me a long time to do it but last September I did and it was the right thing to do.