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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP wants to buy food seperately

539 replies

NotTheBlinkingGruffaloAgain · 30/01/2012 20:37

Me and DP have lived together for 2 years but for the first year and a half we lived in a commune with 30 other people with a cooking rota.
Now we live in a cottage together (since last September) he is really annoying me, he wants us to buy our own food and do our own shopping.
But when I come home from work I find that he has been eating my food so I go to get breakfast and its gone.
It really pisses me off that he refuses to shop with me but when I'm out, he eats all my (good quality) food.
What can I do?
Tonight we got into a silly argument, I said look I want to start shopping together for food and he got angry saying you eat my pea nut butter and my bread, so petty ad juvenile. But I'm starting to resent him eating my food whilst refusing to pay for any of it AHHH help!

OP posts:
Thistledew · 09/02/2012 20:19

I predicted several days ago that you would soon be getting complaints about not being generous with your money, because you choose not to fritter it away on fun things when there are bills to pay and debts to clear.

I predicted it not because I am some sort of amazing psychic but because his behaviour falls so predictably into a pattern of financial abuse.

His behaviour is not normal for a loving relationship. It is normal for an abusive one.

dietstartstmoz · 09/02/2012 20:25

I have not read the latest on this but do go and look at somewhere else to live grufffalo. You do know he is never going to change. If u have no ties then seriously move on. You sound like you deserve much better. He sounds like a total knob.

tribpot · 09/02/2012 20:27

Oh. Em. Gee. Not 'the flame'.

I cannot believe he sat and watched you clear the snow off your car - what an idle fucker.

Sounds like you both want out of the house, how difficult will it be to stick him with the remainder of the contract? After all, he's the one with experience in rent arrears - still owes the Buddhists I'm sure.

scottishmummy · 09/02/2012 20:27

On a serious note what attracts you to a manipulative older man
You need to reflect on your own triggers and understand self to avoid replicating this again with another unsuitable man

You need to grasp why despite your protestations you've not actually left him?

SorryMyLollipop · 09/02/2012 20:31

"Go to your room!" WTAF?
Hilarious and terrible at the same time and definitely a reason to get the hell out of there, now.
You will be so much better off without him. He has been manipulating you and obviously hates you getting more inner strength and confidence.

He clearly feels very upset that you have taken off your emerald spectacles and seen the old, egg eating wizard for what he truly is.

scottishmummy · 09/02/2012 20:34

Lol,old egg eating wizard
Cracking summation

Anniegetyourgun · 09/02/2012 20:37

Well, something beginning with W anyway.

inbetweener · 09/02/2012 20:41

I just genuinely laughed massively out loud at old egg eating wizard.....
Omg that has laughed me out of lurkerdom. Ha ha ha...

openerofjars · 09/02/2012 20:41

PMSL at "egg eating wizard". There is just sooooooo much wrong with him, isn't there? Still, one can't help wondering if he'd be a different person if he wasn't so, well, egg-bound. But don't wait around to find out, eh?

I mean, go to your actual room? What, before or after you do your homework? Urgh, he thinks he's your dad or something.

Ew, ew, ew.

AllPastYears · 09/02/2012 20:53

tribpot:

"GO TO YOUR ROOM?

Taxi for Gruff."

Grin
gallicgreetings · 09/02/2012 20:54

Is "old egg eating wizard" going to be one of those mumsnet identifiers, like sniggering when you see the pombears in the supermarket?

You phoned about that room yet?

ThePinkPussycat · 09/02/2012 20:57

Helltotheno sadly he is far from one of a kind. He wasn't the first and he won't be the last...

ThePinkPussycat · 09/02/2012 20:58

Ooops don't mean your partners' OP - it's not a prediction Shock merely observing that particular command has been given many a time, to other women, and to other women in the future.

Original poster
NotTheBlinkingGruffaloAgain · 09/02/2012 20:59

I have emailed the lady so here goes..

OP posts:
KatieScarlett2833 · 09/02/2012 21:06

Fingers crossed.

Have you an exit plan?

Eurostar · 09/02/2012 21:09

don't let him get to you with the selfish line. He knows that you are a giver and you care so calling you selfish could really you hook you back in, making you think that you must go back to giving him your all. Maybe you are a bit messy etc. now but I bet this has grown out of the way he treats you so you are losing care and respect for the surroundings.

pictish · 09/02/2012 21:10

Oh OP, for goodness sake see the wood for the trees!
He's manipulative and self serving through and through and you deserve better.

HepHep · 09/02/2012 21:20

He sounds really pissed off that you are standing up to him. Hurrah for you for doing so, I say Grin

pepperrabbit · 09/02/2012 21:23

So Angry at him making it all your fault!
Nobody is perfect - I can't cook at all but DH wouldn't dream of criticising and equally I'm not sure if he could tell the tumble dryer and washing machine apart. We play to our strengths and work as a team, it's not a competition. It's about mutual respect.
I'm so glad you seem to be seeing him as a lost cause even if you can't quite see him for the manipulative bully he almost certainly is.
I hope you get the room, and are able to move out and on amicably.
Try not to be left with any of his debts or an egg phobia.
Good luck.

FiggyFloraFinching · 09/02/2012 21:23

Honestly? This whole situation is laughable, in 1 year you will look back and think - oh yes this was my moment of madness what the fuck was I thinking being with someone who tells me to "go to my room"?

I hope.

This is not how relationships work, they are generally a partnership - how that partnership works differs for different people - 2 people working and sharing chores and financial obligations, 1 working with 1 sahp doing more household chores etc. However it is a partnership. I don't expect my dh to clear up after me, but I don't mind clearing up after him and he doesn't mind clearing up after me. He has just gone to get me a beer because I made dinner. Thats the kind of thing that he does all the time. Don't you deserve that? Really don't you want that? You can have that, it doesn't have to be big but he engineered (from an outsiders pov) a situation where everything was hunky dory and then you end up the bad guy. If everything was hunky dory you would not be on mn you would be shagging like rabbits all over the house. Not everyday but you would be happy and tbh neither of you do sound happy. He sounds aggressive and you sound resigned to never being allowed to be happy. With your childhood, what makes you think you shouldn't be?
Good luck, get out and start living your life and having some fun, even if that fun runs to you getting m and s meals for yourself and going to the cinema on your own to see that film you have always wanted to!

Selks · 09/02/2012 21:31

Jeez, he's showing his true childish colours now. He's a prize prat.

Original poster
NotTheBlinkingGruffaloAgain · 09/02/2012 22:17

AND AND.. the other day while he was drying himself in the bathroom after a shower he said 'can you get me a pair of pants out of the drawer?' I said no because he would have to walk past that room (with the pants in) to get to bed any way, he said 'you don't love me' and I just said 'don't be ridiculous I'm not here to fetch you your pants'.
Then, this morning he was in the kitchen down stairs, I was just getting ready for work and shouted down stairs 'could you flick the kettle on for me?' He did then shouted back you wouldn't do it for me, you don't do anything for me'
I was sad that he had held a grudge from a few days ago when I hadn't got his pants for him to me, those two situations were so different SUCH A TIGHT BASTARD

OP posts:
Squitten · 09/02/2012 22:20

So what are you waiting for?

ThePinkPussycat · 09/02/2012 22:26

My DM was here, stbx her and me were having a meal, I asked him to get me a fork (he was nearest), he said get it yourself (can't remember exact words), and I said nothing, got up, squeezed out from behind the table and past him, and got one myself.

My DM was Shock, AND she said so to me in so many words later that day when we were on our own. I was surprised he was so rude to me in front of DM - it was as if she counted as little as I did, and I was so grateful for the clear validation of my perception by my mother. Not a light bulb moment, but a moment never the less - another trickle of charge into the battery that would eventually light the light bulb, so to speak.

It all sounds so petty, you sound like a right moaner if you try to describe it to someone who hasn't experienced it - or witnessed it first hand.

olgaga · 10/02/2012 08:24

Maybe I need to change

Yes, you need to change from being willing to put up with this middle-aged mummy's boy loser who is using you to feed his ego and egg habit. You can do better than this - even if it means having no-one for a while.

Get out, get into that rented room and get a life before your best years are suddenly behind you.