Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP wants to buy food seperately

539 replies

NotTheBlinkingGruffaloAgain · 30/01/2012 20:37

Me and DP have lived together for 2 years but for the first year and a half we lived in a commune with 30 other people with a cooking rota.
Now we live in a cottage together (since last September) he is really annoying me, he wants us to buy our own food and do our own shopping.
But when I come home from work I find that he has been eating my food so I go to get breakfast and its gone.
It really pisses me off that he refuses to shop with me but when I'm out, he eats all my (good quality) food.
What can I do?
Tonight we got into a silly argument, I said look I want to start shopping together for food and he got angry saying you eat my pea nut butter and my bread, so petty ad juvenile. But I'm starting to resent him eating my food whilst refusing to pay for any of it AHHH help!

OP posts:
Original poster
NotTheBlinkingGruffaloAgain · 05/02/2012 21:57

Thank you- yes I have taken all the posts into account, they've all stuck with me hence the emotional turmoil, I was in last week, where I was uncovering truths I have been blind to. I feel more empowered now, more alive than I did when I started the thread, sometimes the glaringly obvious flaws are too blinding and I don't want to look.

eg, his mum from Spain has just knitted me a beautiful hat and scarf (previously I felt, oh we have to stay together now because your mum really invests in me) stupid I know!

But I noticed a new thought pattern that went, 'I know your mum has just hand-made me a hat and scarf, but unless you are treating me with love and respect, it doesn't matter, I am free to up and leave at any point. (thanks for the reminders about insisting on contraception.)

I am also aware of the health implications of living in un-nurturing environment- Cancer was quite a drastic example and I'm sorry about your sister (I would be GUTTED if my sister was ill) But I am actively addressing issues about how my lack of self worth has lead me to treat my body unkindly over the years.

Thank you, I will let you know how Im doing.

OP posts:
BikeRunSki · 05/02/2012 22:00

Gruffalo what a nice post, I am so glad you are feeling better about yourself and your self worth. I am glad you are begining to see your way.

olgaga · 05/02/2012 22:06

You are throwing away the best years of your life on this old weirdo.

ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 05/02/2012 22:07

Keep posting Gruffalo - you will get a few people despairing of your inability to leave straight away, but many of us understand there is a process you need to go through to be ready to do it - you seem to be on that path, which is a good thing.

Listen to your inner self - don't silence her :)

UnhappyLizzie · 05/02/2012 22:13

"You are throwing away the best years of your life on this old weirdo"

Lol. That's the bottom line, isn't it?

nkf · 05/02/2012 22:15

Olgaga has summed it up perfectly.

BIWI · 05/02/2012 22:21

I have read all your posts, Gruff, but skimmed the rest.

I'm sorry you're going through this. But what strikes me is the amount of effort you're putting into this relationship.

At your age, and in a young relationship, if you're in love with each other, it shoud be effortess. You shouldn't have to be so conscious about what you are doing.

Seriously, move on and get shot of him. You don't sound lie you're enjoying your youth or life very much!

garlicfrother · 06/02/2012 01:44

Lovely to read your last post, Gruffalo! I especially like where you say you feel more alive (hurray!) and your utterly normal thoughts about his mother's gifts :)

Keep going.

The door's --> that way Wink

schroedingersdodo · 06/02/2012 13:41

You seem to be heading in a good direction, it's ok to take your time (as long as you never forget contraception!!)

Eurostar · 08/02/2012 23:38

Great last post and insight from you Gruff about how you viewed this small gesture. The good news is that, when you find someone who can be an equal partner for you, you will certainly be one that loves and appreciates. There are lots of people who would toss Mum's handmade woolies in the bin - you are always going to be someone who cares I'm sure, but you can afford to care a whole lot less about others and more about yourself.

Original poster
NotTheBlinkingGruffaloAgain · 09/02/2012 18:47

He has just had a massive go at me and says he's not quite sure if he wants this to go on Sad
He shouted at me for 30 minutes non stop, in reaction to the things I talked to him about last week that Im not happy with in our relationship...
He said hes been bottling it up for ages and hates how messy I am (I really am at the moment quite extremely) He said he gets NOTHING out of our relationship, hates how I don't shut doors, leaves lights on, the iron, the radiators (all true)
Sometimes leave the kitchen in a mess. (all true) I actually must be quite difficult to live with.
He said he doesnt want to share the shopping with me because he wants to only eat eggs, he said I never ever buy anything for the house (we went halves on all our furniture)
He said I borrow money from him too often (I do I suppose, the odd tenner before pay-day which I ALWAYS pay back)
He said I am selfish really unbelievably selfish, that I think he is 45 year old loser and I am this angel with no faults (I dont think this at all?)
He said you think Im so useless that you dont want babies with me (he has never expressed and interest in having babies with me)
I said I want to be able to have a non- angry conversation with you about food, money, bills and cleaning (nuts and bolts of any house hold) before I even considered having children and introducing another complicated dimension to our relationship.

He said hes not happy any more and maybe the flame has gone out.

I feel bad what if I am really extraordinarily selfish, messy and difficult to live with what if I am just a silly little girl and a hypocrit??

Maybe I need to change.

All this is in response to last week when I told him how I felt he must have been holding a grudge since then.

I think Im going to move out this is so sad Sad

OP posts:
Alibabaandthe40nappies · 09/02/2012 18:53

Christ he has done such a number on you.

What he is hoping for now, is that you will be so frightened of losing him that you blame yourself and try and change yourself more for him.

Please do move out, please please. Once you are out of there you will look back and see it for the lucky escape it will be.

What an utter, utter knobber he is.

deste · 09/02/2012 18:53

There is no more reason to stay with this man, now is the time to leave. He is using emotional blackmail on you, he has been doing it for years.

PeneloPeePitstop · 09/02/2012 18:53

You don't need to change one iota.
Believe me this man is doing you a big favour even if you can't see that now.

KatieScarlett2833 · 09/02/2012 18:54

Oh dear.

He can't keep up the pretence for even a week.

He wants you right back down to the size you were before you started to stand up for yourself. He liked you uncomplaining and compliant, except he didn't, did he?

Just go and don't look back. It's not you. It's him. He's classic.

trixymalixy · 09/02/2012 18:55

Please don't have children with this man. Get out now while the going's good.

Lueji · 09/02/2012 18:56

From your posts it seems that he managed to get you hooked again before lashing out on you, and effectively gaining power over you.

If you can't talk reasonably about the little issues, then it is probably best to let go.

From what you say some of what he says is fair, but he should be able to express it to you in a proper way, not shouting for 30 min.

Not necessarily that any of you is bad, but the dynamics of the relationship don't seem to be working.

bigbuttons · 09/02/2012 18:57

OP, please take this as your ticket out, please

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/02/2012 18:59

All he will do now is drag you down with him. Now will you listen to what these other posters have been trying to explain to you?.

This so called relationship has been dying on its knees for a long time. BTW if he gets nothing from this relationship then why has he remained in the house eating all your food?.

Don't just think about moving out; just do it and asap. Leave this waster behind because he will just bleed you dry if you do not.

No, you do not need to change;e he's doing a bang up job of projecting his issues onto you and getting you to take the blame so he is not the fall guy here.

Oh so you leave the lights and rads on as well and not shut doors; ooh that's a serious crime that is - NOT. Look at how ridiculous he is sounding here.

You and he should not be together at all, leave him to his eggs and eggy farts. He does not just eat eggs either; he's been eating all your good quality food when you are out.

Helltotheno · 09/02/2012 19:01

He's just a manipulative twunt. He's said this to get right at you and from the tone of your post above, it sounds like he's succeeded. He didn't see this thread did he?

Now's your chance to get shut, he's made it easy for you. Next time he's out, pack your bags and run like hell.

tribpot · 09/02/2012 19:03

Has he seen this thread, Gruff? I just wondered if that's where he had got the specifics from.

He says he only eats eggs (whiffy-woo, as the Fimbles would say) - so how come, in your opening post, you talked about him eating all your good quality grub when you're not there?

He's trying to make you feel unreasonable in order to push you back down to the place where you 'belong'. Where you subsidise his freeloading and think you're getting a good deal.

Original poster
NotTheBlinkingGruffaloAgain · 09/02/2012 19:10

Maybe he has but its all true so Im not worried, (Ive tried to give a balanced view so its not all just DP bashing)
It was so weird, earlier today he said 'what would you like to do lets go out?' I said go to Starbucks for hot chocolate, we went there and we had a great chat and he said 'shall we go and buy a bottle of wine and watch something nice on TV? I said yes, we went to Lidl where he couldn't find the wine we had last time and he said oh lets go to Aldi to get that really nice one, I said 'I don't want to go and get cold lets just get something here' he said you can wait in the car because I don't want any from here, I said okay then lest go then he said I don't want to any more now'

In the car on the way home I asked him why he changed his mind and he said I was being so manipulative and he lost his good mood. Hmm

Then started the big row Sad Maybe this is my golden opportunity to get the hell out of here

OP posts:
Original poster
NotTheBlinkingGruffaloAgain · 09/02/2012 19:11

sorry for minimal punctuation I'm a bit stirred up

OP posts:
EirikurNoromaour · 09/02/2012 19:16

Maybe this is my golden opportunity to get the hell out of here

Yes it is! It isn't you who is being manipulative here :(

tribpot · 09/02/2012 19:16

Right, but seeing that in black and white you must see how ludicrous it sounds.

You wanted to get something acceptable from Lidl rather than traipse to Aldi.
He says he wants to get something in Aldi and you can always stay in the car to keep warm.
You say okay.
He says oh well you've totally ruined 'the moment' and I am now going to have a strop.

Quite clearly a manufactured fight.