Huge row - recovering from surgery

[meandmypickle]

That's just it really. had an op yesterday with gen anaesthetic. I thought he was lying to me today (his lies have been a big issue) I got upset. He tried to explain himself, but i was too upset to listen so he got angry, refused to get something for me (my mobilty is a bit restricted atm) said he'd been working hard all day, shouted, swore and banged the door. he'd agreed a few weeks ago not to do these things as they intimidate me.
We've had alot of counselling together and apart and i've been having cbt.
Now in bed in pain and unable to sleep - anyone there?

I would love everything to be ok, but don't think it can be for me and him :(

Well I think it can, but you both have to make the effort towards it. Constantly referring to past mistakes is not the way to go. At the moment it sounds like you are both antagonising each other. I am not apportioning blame to just one of you, because from what I am reading, you are both equally angry with each other and trying to punish each other. If you can both stop doing that, talk calmly to each other, and BOTH agree to drawing a line, and moving forwards together it can be done.

I split with my husband after 4 years of marriage. Nobody else involved, and faults on both sides. Instead of properly talking, we would bicker, slam doors, sulk.. and in the end after one almighty row I walked out. It took two months but we got back together, we talked, and we both saw each others side of things and listened to each other. We gave each other another chance. We have been married ten years now, and the last 6 have been brilliant. We still bicker now and again, but we can laugh together too, and we support each other, both of the latter were lacking in the first 4 years at times.

If you both want it to work, then it can do.

Unless you get a very good counsellor and he takes a good look in the mirror it probably won't be OK. But remember you can always let him think it's OK.

squeaky stop picking on OP please. I don't think a truce will be 'agreed' I think she will be able to call her own truce with herself, to help her stop reacting to his outbursts. Contantly blaming her is no help really.

I am not "picking" on her at all. My advice is my personal view, to which I am entitled. I dont sugar coat, and I dont bullshit either.

I have also made it very clear that I think there is equal fault and blame, in my opinion, from what the op has posted.

I do not think that encouraging someone to walk away from their marriage when they are asking how they can make it work is the best advice either, but I have not told anyone else how to post.

Thanks - i appreciate your replies.
sqeaky, i have left him in the past, and went back. He did nothing to try to encourage me to go back. We've had loads of counselling, together and apart - nothing makes a prolonged difference.

Horse, letting him think everythings ok when it's not scares me as he'll be even more angry with me then i decide i want to split up

He gave me a "get well " card this morning. I'd been upset at the weekend as he hadn't got me one.

Link to the thread Bibi was referring to.

Plenty of good resources in the top post, and a great place to thrash out your thoughts with women in similar situations.

Thanks hot, will have a look.
He just said he still didn't know why i wasn't talking to him. I said it was because he frightened me - again.His response was that i take him for granted and don't appreciate him. He told me to think about my own behaviour - and i said from now on i will just think about myself. he's gone out now

:( I maded the link first

Sorry, trying to amuse myself at lunchtime :)

Joking aside though OP, he's a piece of work isn't he?

"I said it was because he frightened me - again.His response was that i take him for granted and don't appreciate him. He told me to think about my own behaviour"

Yes, you thoughtless thing you, lying in bed being ill, pleading with him to stop being a giant knob head, outrageous....

Where would I be without sarcasm......

The most recent ex was forever on the 'no one appreciates me' wagon. Every tiny little thing was worthy of rounds of applause, loud shouts of BRAVO and perhaps a rendition of 'he's a jolly good fellow' thrown in (in his opinion anyway)

Course that never applied in the reverse, anything I did was taken for granted, expected and taken with an attitude of total entitlement.

It's nice to be appreciated and it should form a natural part of any relationship but there's no need for the constant demands for a medal.

What's wrong with a simple 'thank you for looking after me so well this week?' - what does he WANT?

So you did, Bibi. Scanned thread too quickly.

He gave me a "get well " card this morning. I'd been upset at the weekend as he hadn't got me one.

its sounds to me like you enjoy making him feel guilty and to be honest sounds like you are manipulating him a bit into doing exactly what you thing "is right"

so he didnt take the kids temperature, probably forgot and then though oh shit now i am going to get it in the neck, so said he did. Since then you have never let him forget it.

I dont think i could or would put up with being treated like that to be frank

Trolley - I don't enjoy making him feel guilty at all. The temperature wasn't a one off lie, and he blamed me for "upsetting myself" over it. I wouldn't have had a go at him at all for not taking it either. This happened a few weeks after i'd told him i felt more comfortable about our future together , following some counselling

Just wondered if anyone's there?Feeling so low this evening with all this and the pain and tiredness from the op

I'm here, however how about some light relief? Look at the most active threads, or a discussion of the day, or in a topic that interests you and post there. There was a lovely thread called something like Random Acts of Kindness the other day, it gave me a much needed weep, in a good way :)

Thanks - don't need much to make me cry atm :(

Aaaaaw It was a really happy thread tho and I am soppy

Other suggestions - there's a mad thread on Chat, there's also AIBU, but you have to be feeling pretty strong to post on that. Can be very entertaining reading. Or Mumsnet Classics has some good ones on.

Want to chat on Chat with me, maybe? And who knows who else.

As you are recouperating, have some and [grapes]

Thanks ...but where is "chat"?

Just went in to see him with the itention of trying to talk - he just looked at me, didn't say a word and i just felt so full of sadness I walked away.

It's under Fun and Games in the Topics list. Sorry, thought you had stopped posting, went and watched the prog about the London Underground.

Don't worry about him, for the time being, concentrate on getting yourself well again.

You know what - I think you are both as bad as each other. Your conversations are loaded with his anger and your upset. You are not seeing the good in him, he is not seeing the pain in you.

I sense you both need to be a little less dramatic. Tone down the emotion a bit and see what happens. Your response to what I said about that pickle, was surprising and slightly irrational. Try reading it again - what are you really afraid of by rising above this? If it reduces the stress, why not try it for a while and see how it goes? Don't try and talk to him, that hasn't worked so far and it won't work now.

Blimey he got you a get well card - I've never had anything like that from him in my life. I didn't even get a birthday card this year. You both sound just like us funnily enough, a few years ago, when I didn't understand the power of calm.

Horse - i'm afraid of HIM if i rise above it. If we split up he'll be more angry with me as he would have thought everything was ok. I did this last year for a period, rose above his behaviour and how i felt, and then when i told him i was wans't happy, he got very angry

You're afraid of him?

Oh, pickle.
That's a sure sign you need to leave, if nothing else.

I'm afriad of his ranting, blaming, shouting so ds (5) can hear, etc

And is that going to stop you from expressing your needs and your feelings?

Because if that's so, it's called walking on eggshells. Successful intimidation. And it ain't right.

Am i walking on eggshells though? surely then i wouldn't have dared accuse him of lying? I don't know what to think anymore.
He offered me a drink this morning and bought me a paper. He's taken the week off supposedly to look after me, ds and the house while i recover. Yes, he's offered a few drinks, made dinner and done a bit of ironing. Howeverthe kitchen is a tip - yesterday washing up and dity pans left, cooker filthy, no cleaning done, none of the decorating he sai he'd do