Huge row - recovering from surgery

[meandmypickle]

That's just it really. had an op yesterday with gen anaesthetic. I thought he was lying to me today (his lies have been a big issue) I got upset. He tried to explain himself, but i was too upset to listen so he got angry, refused to get something for me (my mobilty is a bit restricted atm) said he'd been working hard all day, shouted, swore and banged the door. he'd agreed a few weeks ago not to do these things as they intimidate me.
We've had alot of counselling together and apart and i've been having cbt.
Now in bed in pain and unable to sleep - anyone there?

I feel threatened when he shouts as he does so very fiercly and says some very spiteful things. Only 3 weeks ago i explained how bad he made me feel, he said he didn't want to frighten me. Then in shuch a short time he has disregarded our discussion, shouted, sworn, banged doors, been spiteful. the later apologised, then shouted and nagd again a few minutes afterwards.

Shouting and slamming doors is 'normal' behaviour sqeaky?

It isn't in my house.

Pickle has told her h that when he behaves in this manner, she feels intimidated.

Even though he knows she feels scared when he shouts and bangs doors, he continues to do it. What does this say about him?

What does it say about her that she blanks him, accuses him of things and calls him a liar all the time? He is not souly at fault.

I blank him becuase he's upset me so much i don't want to speak to him. I accuse him of things because he's lied before and it makes me suspicious, I don't call him a liar all the time!

If you could only record a conversation - I think we need detail here. Simplified 'Judge Judy' type responses like squeaky's are not going to get to the bottom of what really is going on here.

Yes will definitely be hard for you to be more friendly when you are clearly defending yourself from his intimidating behaviour (which he is saying is your fault).

Perhaps if you could try to remember that looking after yourself is about rising above his teenage stroppiness, keeping your cool and preserving your self-respect. If you're very lucky he might learn from you.

Thanks horse.
I often do try to rise above it and walk away but i was feeling quite low from the operation and it got too much this time. Also he often comes after me after a while to make up, and i try to keep cool and explain why i'm upset and i don't feel friendly at that time. it clearly has no impact though. if i carry on as though nothing's happened, he doesn't know he's done anything wrong.
I don't know what to do for the best - if i confront him, he gets angry/blames me, if i ignore him, he doesn't like that either if i behave like nothings happened, it's like i'm condoning his behaviour and he gets waht he wants - i things carrying on as "normal"

None of his behaviour is acceptable. I,m guessing that we are not dealing with a 5 year but a grown man!!! he is disrepectful towards you and being horrid, why should you have to second guess his behaviour or tread on eggshells you should never feel intimadated in your own home and certainly not from your partner ,thats bollocks!!!

I am sorry but from what the OP has posted, it is her who is second guessing her husband, by accusing him of lying, and he who is having to tread on eggshells while the OP decides if she will bother to speak to him or not, while he keeps offering to help, and apologising to him.

If the thread was written by him (but as a woman) from his/her perspective, I am sure that people would be giving very different "advice" to what the majority have said.

ie

"My husband has just had a major op and is at home recovering. I have taken a week off work to help him out, but he is making it so difficult. He has accused me of lying about something (that I didnt lie about), and when I try to explain, he refuses to listen, so I admit, I swore and I slammed the door shut. He says that makes him feel intimidated, but he is always having a go at me, and bringing up trivial things from years ago that I did wrong. I have tried to apologise, I have offered to make him food and drink, but he wont speak to me. I try to talk to him but he keeps avoiding me."

I honestly dont think that the husband is solely to blame here, and I know the OP is the one posting, but in my view, it doesnt do anyone any favours to tell them they are right and it is all someone elses fault, when it is quite clear that both parties are behaving badly in a situation.

I don't know what to think now. If i'mbeing unreasonable, then i should make up with him and apologise. However i can't get that horrible feeling of being intimidated out of my head - and i know it will happen again, becuase i will make him angry again.
He had planned to finish decoarating this week too, (the decoarating was mainly for my benefit as it was something i wanted done) but has stopped since the row

It is not unreasonable to expect not to feel intimidated or scared in your own because he's shouting, swearing, and slamming doors.

Does he lie on a regular basis or have his lies been few and far between over a period of years?

I agree with squeaky as well.

Must be like living a school playground.

One accuses the other of lying then has a major hissy*fit because there is a reaction to being called a liar. No one likes to be called a liar. Frankly OP - you have trust issues.

Slamming doors is intimidating? Stop the world I really need to get off.

Slamming doors and swearing is not normally intimidation. My parents both did it... me and my husband do it... it can be heat of the moment, and so long as you know it never goes further (and from what you have posted, you can give as good as you get, and there is no physical violence), there really is no reason for you to be scared of him. I really really do understand why you might be. (I was in a violent relationship before I met my husband, and it took me a long time to be 100% confident, and able to feel I could shout back in an argument without the fear of a fist)..

I would honestly say that it is better to express yourself rather than sit and simmer and then explode when it gets too much.. your husband swears and slams a door when you are having a go at him, but is back to try and sort it out, and is not saying it is all your fault, but is saying you are both at fault. I agree with him.

He doesnt sound like an abuser, he doesnt sound like a nasty bloke, and he doesnt sound like a narcissist. There ARE two sides to every relationship, and I am trying to see both sides here, rather than blindly agree with you and talk you into packing your bags (as others have done), because I get the feeling that is not what you would want.

Maybe to many people shouting, swearing and slamming dooors wouldn't be intimidating, but it is to me. My father used to do this and i was terrified. H has in the past smashed things up in the house and i get sacred he'll do it again when he's angry. I thought the swearing and door banging had stopped but they started again a couple of months ago. After a very trivial thing, he told me to fuck off - he hadn't done it for ages and ages. he was very sorry but now it seems to have become a habit again

Izzy - the lies aren't all the time. There were 3 that i know about last year.

This will sound trivial too but i know what he's doing - he just made dinner (well put something from the freezer in the oven) knowing it's something i dislike. Feels like he's taking advantage of my immobility atm

Barging in here late but just read the thread and wanted to add a heartfelt IT'S NOT YOU!

He's being a complete arse to you - so you asked for clarification on a seemingly minor lie but a supportive partner who respects you would be doing his utmost to make sure you have a calm comfortable environment to recover in not creating a heavy fog of anger because 'shock, horror' you didn't believe him instantly on something.

I spent years with a man who delighted in the kind of games you're being subjected to especially when I wasn't feeling 100%.

Keep posting here for support and when you're better read him the riot act and get rid of the git if he so much as opens his mouth to protest 'but you're so oversensitive/unreasonable/emotional etc etc.

Thanks Bibi. I just don't know what to think. I totally appreciate it must be horrible to be told you're lying when you're not. however he knows his past lies have caused me to doubt him. If he'd just been a bit irrititated and reassured me he wasn't lying, then it'd have been ok. I did tell him i was doubting him becuase of his pasy lies and he angrily said 2oh so this is how its going to be, great". Then i asked hi to get my laptop for me ( i was unable to carry it up the stairs) he said "no". when i went to attempt to get it myself, he went off to get it for me. Then came back ranting about how he'd been trying so bloody hard now it was fucked up. stormed off slamming the door. later even when i was crying in bed, he yelled at me that i was feeling sorry for myself

Oh, meandmypickle, what a horrible atmosphere to have to live in, am properly for you!

I was going to add earlier that even if he did think to himself, 'mmh, pickle's accusations are getting a bit much for me' surely the kind thing to do would be to cut you some slack and make a mental note to talk to you about this in a reasonable manner once you're back to normal.

I bet if the tables were turned on this situation you would be busy cooking things he likes, thinking up things to cheer him up, making him as comfortable as possible and so on.

His behaviour is absolutely dispicable and I think he's feeling free to fully indulge himself because he knows you're in no state to fight back right now.

On the long running thread that discusses emotional abuse in all it's forms the advice is often given to try to detach from this kind of behaviour (be worth you having a read of that I think, will try to link)

Difficult to do at the best of times but try to give it a go. 'Can you bring my laptop up please?' - NO!' - your response: a bored ok, whatever.

Feeling sorry for yourself? Again, yeah, whatever, 'dear' and try to get some sleep. Just illustrative examples of course :)

As horrible as it is, this type of character often 'gets off' on the distress they know they're causing and will do it all the more if they see it's getting the desired reaction.

Look after yourself as much as you can and you have support here that can be accessed from the comfort of your bed so that's something at least for now.

Thanks bibi. I'd be grateful for the link.
However he can be so nice..

TOTALLY agree with squeaky toy - found it odd really that so many people think he is being abusive on such scant information.

The lies you state OP sound like small insignificant things - sure it's annoyin but in the grand scheme of things I can't see anything he has done that is that bad.

Nobody is in total control all of the time - you were too upset to listen to him even though you admit you over reacted and he, in frustration has slammed some doors and raised his voice...

To me this relationship sounds unhealthy on both sides with you just going round in circles - you accuse him of lying, get upset and won't let him explain and he gets frustated and slams doors/shouts, you get mor upset and withdraw, he gets more frustated and slams doors/shouts.....sounds like a vicious circle with you both at fault

Oh yes, they can be soooo nice when they want to be it's all part of the cycle to keep you hooked in.

It's often said on here that if guys like this were total arses 100% of the time no-one would stay with them for five minutes let alone years.

It's the 'jackpot pay out' fallacy which I've fallen prey to myself more than once.

He's been charming and nice and supportive before so when he's utterly horrible to you there's always that part of you that thinks ' oh, this isn't really him, if I just do xyz/twist myself into a pretzel shape the old, loving, great guy will come back'

Often though, the Mr Nice Guy never existed in the first place and 'nice, loving etc' was just a front to hook you in.

Gosh, I probably sound a bit bitter and twisted here but i'm really not, just acquainted to some of the tricks through personal experience.

I remember so clearly the guy I was with for seven years who would turn on a tuppence and be jealous, terrifyingly angry, threatening, shouting, screaming, controlling and then the next minute be Mr supportive, kind, funny, caring...

Still remember justifying this relationship to friends who could clearly see he was an abusive arse with statements such as 'but he's lovely 80% of the time, it's the 20% he's horrible to me I can't cope with.

With time and hindsight and spending time on MN i've come to see that 20% of horribleness towards me is just way too much and nothing less than 0% is acceptable.

Well, I have hungry cats to feed but here is the link to that thread (dealing with abusive relationships in general not just emotional, must correct myself there)

Have a look, have a post if you feel like it, everyone there is utterly lovely and many are battling with similar situations to you right now.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1333564-Support-for-those-in-abusive-relationships-thread-6

I'm quite astounded by the way some posters are blaming you for what is essentially, on his part, childish and pathetic behaviour. His behaviour is also physically intimidating and making you feel afraid of what else might set him off.

You've gone into self-defence mode - the feeling of not wanting to be nice to him because you feel his behaviour is unreasonable is simply you trying to protect yourself from hurt again. You know that if you're nice to him, it will set you up for it to all start again. It hurts, right?

He's feeling rejected - but when most people feel rejection they get sad and upset, he's displaying aggression about that. It may be that he reacts like that because of his own history, but it may also be that he feels his is losing a kind of 'battle' with you to show who's boss.

Whatever is happening it must be really hard for you - him too, probably. I'm in a similar position, have been for years and sadly got used to it. I can only urge you to call an absolute truce to preserve your sanity and then get help - whether it is counselling for you or some headspace to make a plan to separate.

Me again - have pm'd you OP

Thanks horse. yes i guess it might be a bit easier if a truce were called - he will however take that as everything being ok

but do you not want everything to be ok.. can you not agree to draw a line under things, start as you mean to go on, and call a truce..

surely life will be a lot easier all round?

do you actually WANT to be with him? If you dont, then by all means keep it up, and keep going round in the same circles, bringing up his past errors, but if you want to move forwards, there has to be some sort of peace agreed and a point where you agree that you will not keep berating him for things that he has already been bollocked for, and has apologised for.