Huge row - recovering from surgery

[meandmypickle]

That's just it really. had an op yesterday with gen anaesthetic. I thought he was lying to me today (his lies have been a big issue) I got upset. He tried to explain himself, but i was too upset to listen so he got angry, refused to get something for me (my mobilty is a bit restricted atm) said he'd been working hard all day, shouted, swore and banged the door. he'd agreed a few weeks ago not to do these things as they intimidate me.
We've had alot of counselling together and apart and i've been having cbt.
Now in bed in pain and unable to sleep - anyone there?

So you backed off last year and you said you still weren't happy - why was that? Was he acting up before you told him you were unhappy?

Still wasn't happy becuase I don't trust him, little emotional closeness, feel uncomfortable with others when he's there because he's quite unfriendly (some have said possible aspergic).
We were going to counselling at my suggestion not sur what you mean about him acting up before i told him? I was unhappy so we had (yet another) go with counselling

Ha! I think I'm living with the very same man. Little closeness (with me - plenty with kids and his Mum, but not me - only when he's after something). Uncomfortable with other people - either ignores them if they're round, or talks monologues to whoever will listen if we're out.

Read your own posts pickle! We were talking about you 'rising above it' (detaching) for while but you still weren't happy. Then you said he got angry when you told him that. So my question is - did the detaching - rising above - did that change anything?

Gets emabrrassing doesn't it horse :( Mine hardly says anything - his reason is he prefers to listen rather than talk. Sometimes i'd rather sit quietly when with others but feel its important to make an effort! Terribly embarrasing when someone grrets with with a "hi, how are you?" and he just says "not too bad" and never asks after them
No the detaching didn't make any difference

Terribly embarrasing when someone grrets with with a "hi, how are you?" and he just says "not too bad" and never asks after them

I really would not say that was terribly embarassing, he replies.. he doesnt ignore the person. It is a meaningless saying anyway... it is just a greeting.

Ok , mayb not TERRIBLY embarrassing - just embarrassing.
Maybe it is just a greeting - but his response is a bit rude not just me who's noticed.
Anyway if that's all it was, there would be no issue. The issue is he thinks it's ok to frighten and intimidate me if i annoy him

anyone there? feel so sad and lonely, and can't sleep

Hi there again. My stbx was a bit like your H, I suffered from depression and used to try to talk about it and he would just walk away, and I would follow getting more and more tearful and desperate and saying things like 'If I can't get support from my H, who can I get support from?' Since instigating divorce my depression has lifted, although I am still stressed. At least yours works, mine contributed v little financially. I did have a job 2006-9 p/t but had to leave with severe depression. There is a whole lot more, but I am sick of going on about it. Just thought I would have a moan as I need one to keep vaguely on topic.

Thanks Pink - managed to drop off in the end. Interesting your depression lifted since instigating the divorce. I've even been considering taking anit depressants to "dull" some of the effects of i how feel with dh. My counsellor strongly advised against taking them for this reason.
He has asked how i am for the fist time since Monday - i didn't want to tell him as I'm still so hurt, He also offerred to make me breakfast. it all feels a bit late after the most awful week - it would have bad bad enough anyway becuase of the op, but for him to for the very things he knows frighten me the day oafter the op - then to try justifiying it is just to much to bear

Your counsellor is misguided, I feel. The right anti-depressant does not dull your feelings - in fact going back onto paraxatine last spring helped me to see things more clearly. Back in the 70's I was prescribed ads a few times, I always stopped taking them because they made me feel nothing, and I preferred to feel something, even if that was miserable. But when I was first prescribed paroxatine (an SSRI, they didn't come in till the 90's) they were the first that did work, they were like a miracle.

Ive taken paroxetine in the past - in fact was taking it when i met h. I think i was more able to deal with theing then as it definatley did "dull"things for me and of course i was madly in love with him then too. Coming off paroxetine was truly hellish with the most apalling side effects. The only good one being the 2.5 stone i ut on whilst taking it all fell off in a few months!! My doctor will not only prescribe paroxetine in extreme cases now!

Well yes you often have to shop around for the right ad, but there are so many that with persistence you can find one that suits your metabolism. I say again that the right ad does not dull your feelings, it makes you feel like you again! Albeit that any factors in your life that were contributing to your depression do not magically go away, so you don't necessarily feel all is right with the world, but it does enable you to deal more effectively with those factors.

H back at work this week. still only talking when necessary. House is a tip - pile of dirty pans in kitchen, worktops filthy, hoovering needs doing, bathrooms need cleaning, the partial decoarating is still partial so things that were in the room are scattered around house. I'm still supposed to be resting and can't drive - this is awful :(

Don't let it get to you - easier said than done I know. Don't wear yourself out trying to do it all. Do 15 min then rest. Keep posting [hug]

Anyone there?

YES, ME

we x-posted. I am working at computer so can talk on this thread this am if you want. How often are you checking?

thanks :) Quite alot atm!

I was never very good at housework, it made me depressed, so the house got worse, so I got more depressed, and so on. Until one day I would manage to pull myself together, either cos it was so bad, or we were expecting visitors, and then work like a Trojan till it was all done. Crash and buren as Flylady would say. Needless to say OH not much help - he thinks the housework starts and stops with the washing up. I now believe this pattern is down to ADD in me, and I have better strategies and can do it if I want.

Which I don't want to do atm. I am basing myself in the master bedroom and en suite, and leaving the rest of the house to OH and DD to clean if they want. They don't seem to want.

I too am now based in the master bedroom and on suite! Thank god for iplayer etc as no tv in here. I will find the state of the house embarrassing though as i've got friend coming over this week

Our internet is too slow for iplayer. Is your friend understanding about your OH? As you are not well enough to do it, there is no need to be embarassed on your own behalf, although I do understand.

Yes, she is - gives me her honest opinion too, which is helpful :)

So no worries then. What are you doing atm apart from MNing?