Huge row - recovering from surgery

[meandmypickle]

That's just it really. had an op yesterday with gen anaesthetic. I thought he was lying to me today (his lies have been a big issue) I got upset. He tried to explain himself, but i was too upset to listen so he got angry, refused to get something for me (my mobilty is a bit restricted atm) said he'd been working hard all day, shouted, swore and banged the door. he'd agreed a few weeks ago not to do these things as they intimidate me.
We've had alot of counselling together and apart and i've been having cbt.
Now in bed in pain and unable to sleep - anyone there?

I feel a bit guilty about accusing him of lying now. I hate being suspicious of him all the time about little things, but if he hadn't lied in the past, then i wouldn't be suspicious. Surely he should understand this

He's almost acting like nothing's happened, asking me if i want drinks, etc but i've been keeping away from him all day. It just hurts so much that he's behaved like that (ie swearing/banging doors) so soon after he agreed not to and as he knows it intimidates me, and esp hurtful as it was the day after the operation.
maybe i'm to blame for accusing him of lying?

What did you suspect him of lying about - and are you certain that, on this occasion, he was telling the truth?

Nothing justifies him physically intimidating you. Stop trying to blame yourself. He is responsible for his own actions.

Lying about little things is a major red flag. Not the big things - that's normal if it's a one off. But regular lying about little things is disrespectful at best and controlling at worst.

Izzy it was something he said he'd done for ds - he'd half done it rather than fully done so not t total lie this time.
I hate being so suspicious but it's because he 's lied before. As you say horse, at least if it were about something big, there'd be a reason. but lying about filing, taking temperatures, etc - totally pointless. When i confronted him about the filing incident (this was about a year into our relationship) i got furious as i was making such a fuss "about a few pieces of paper"

So he's down to half-lies now, is he?

I reckon that's about as much as you can hope for but, of course, he'll struggle to maintain that standard.

As for the door slamming/shouting/swearing, that'll continue unabated.

You need to ask yourself whether you're willing to continue in this sham of a relationship and whether you consider that he's a suitable role model to have around your dc.

"i got furious as i was making such a fuss "about a few pieces of paper" - that shouldhave read that HE got furious becuase i was making a fuss about " a few pices of paper"
yes izzy, you're right - i know it will continue despite the fact he knows it intimidates me and reminds me of my father . He said he did it this time "as he was so upset". The only way for it not to happen to for me not to question him, challenge him, etc

What you've just described is classic walking on eggshells.
You are having to avoid being yourself to avoid his temper. You can't have a normal argument or difference of opinion because you know what his reaction is and it frightens you.
One way to tackle that is to change your behaviour, become compliant, accept his view all the time, try to anticipate what he wants and doesn't want and act accordingly, stop the DCs annoying him - be a doormat .
You will never be able to change enough, he will move the goalposts constantly until you become ill with the anxiety of it all.
The way to happiness is without this abusive twunt in your life.

I do hope you can find the courage to make a better life for you and your pickle because it really is far too short to spend it tiptoeing around an abusive, intimidating, twunt.

What will it take you to get shot of him?

reminds me of my father

O honey, you don't need this. Your childhood with an abusive twunt of a father wasn't meant to be a rehearsal for this relationship - it was meant to alert you to the misery of living your life on eggshells.

Whatever it takes, get yourself and your pickle to a better place where you can breathe freely.

I know what you're saying - part of me feels guilty though. he's making dinner for us atm, he;s taken the week off work because of my op, is taking me back to hosp tomorrow...

This morning he said he didn't know why i wasn't speaking to him. he said we were both to blame for the argument

Well how wonderfully generous of him to deign to take time off work to look after his wife and DC when it's needed

Get yourself better, then have a think. And look on the abusive relationship thread.

Abusers are NEVER to blame. In their own minds. If you're waiting for him to validate your feelings, you'll be waiting a long time.

He's been offering me drinks, offerred to make food, etc this morning. I hate accepting any help from him after how he's made me feel.
Just wondering how/why he can be nice but can be so awful too. He says everyone has arguments (which i do agree with) but i don;t think everyone's partner does thinks they know intimidate the other. Or maybe i'm too easily scared?

I just rejected his help with something and he said that next time i choose to ruin everything, he hoped it would be over something important....

Are those 'lies' really as big a thing as you feel, when you look at it logically?

He said years ago that he'd taken your ds's temp when he hadn't, and a year into your relationship he said he'd filed something when he hadn't. Is that all? Because to me, I can't really see the problem, and think it would make me angry to have those tiny things turn me into a liar in your mind, and then quizzed over every little detail as though I might be misleading you. I can imagine doing both of those things, thinking it would be fine to do it in a minute, then not quite getting around to it.

However, the getting angry, slamming doors and being mean to you in your weakened state are more serious. Your relationship seems unhealthy, neither of you wanting to trust and be pleasant to the other.

Rough - if that's what it had been and he'd just not got round to doing those things then it wouldn't have been an issue. The issue is that he lies, and then when he gets found out, turns it round to make it look like i'm being unreasonable.

So is it lots and lots of little lies?

Pickle I wonder if it would help you to get all this straight in your head, if you try to not react to any of the things that irritate you about him, this week. It would be a good experiment to see how he behaves when there is absolutely nothing for him to get angry about.

It sounds as if you are used to fighting your corner, for whatever reason, and this will be creating unnecessary stress. It is also possible that he is provoking a reaction from you because it's what he needs - a spiky, confrontational relationship.

Get some books and chill, withdraw and detach from his issues. Put on a smiley face, accept his help graciously and see what happens. It may suddenly become honeymoon bliss, equally it may make him try and push buttons - or indeed you might want to, to keep some kind of 'normality'. Watch and learn.

"ruin everything"
...because you rejected an offer of help?

The man is an immature drama queen. Among other things.

Horse - yes if i accept his help, am more friendly, etc he'll probably be fine and of course won't be angry as they'll be nothing fro him to be angry about.
Hot - I think the "ruin everything" referred to the fact that i'm hardly talking to him, accused him of lying
It will be hard to be friendlier to him after he intimidated me, esp just after my operation and also a few weeks after me (yet again) explaining in a letter how the shouting & banging effects me. also told him about the cbt i'd be going to (didn't tell him to begin with as was worried he'd blame all our problems on me)

Sorry, I am going to go against the majority here, but it really sounds like you are both as bad as each other.

If you are still stressing about a small lie from years ago, and constantly throwing that at him, no wonder he is getting pissed off. I know I would be if my husband was doing that to me.

He tried to explain himself, but i was too upset to listen

If I understand that right, you accused him of lying, he tried to explain, but you refused to listen. That is stonewalling isnt it?

He was upset becuase he felt wrongly accused (yes,y reaction was ott, it wasn't really a lie he told, i just overreacted). he later came and apologised for shouting banging the door, etc

So you admit you were OTT, and that you overreacted, and he came to apologise, but you wouldnt accept the apology.

asking me if i want drinks, etc but i've been keeping away from him all day

Doesnt sound like you even want to give the bloke a chance to me.

I hate accepting any help from him after how he's made me feel

No doubt I will be shot down in flames here, and he will be called a bastard, you should leave him, blah blah blah... but all I see is (and I appreciate you are feeling unwell after an operation), you picking at him, sulking, and accusing him of lying, refusing to accept an apology, and generally behaving like a martyr.

Let him help you, and try not be so controlling perhaps.

Some people shout, some people slam doors. That is quite normal. You dont mention him threatening you, hitting you.

I'm going to agree with squeaky,
You falsely accused him of something, gave him no chance to explain, went ott and carried it on even when he tried to apologise, hold very very minor issues from yrs ago against him, then won't listen or accept his help.
If my hubby was like that with me I'd slam doors aswell.