Huge row - recovering from surgery

[meandmypickle]

That's just it really. had an op yesterday with gen anaesthetic. I thought he was lying to me today (his lies have been a big issue) I got upset. He tried to explain himself, but i was too upset to listen so he got angry, refused to get something for me (my mobilty is a bit restricted atm) said he'd been working hard all day, shouted, swore and banged the door. he'd agreed a few weeks ago not to do these things as they intimidate me.
We've had alot of counselling together and apart and i've been having cbt.
Now in bed in pain and unable to sleep - anyone there?

He's worried about you? Doesn't excuse his behaviour but probably explains it

Dont think he's that worried. op went ok, think he was feeling sorry for himself and not appreciating that his previous lies have caused my suspicion.

What do you want to do.

This doens't sound at ALL like he cares for you. he's taking ADVANTAGE of your weakened state and doing precisely what you TOLD him intimidated you.

BTW, liars are a NO-NO! you have to stamp this out or get rid. Why are you telling yourself that you are only worth a liar?

What ELSE does he do to intimidate you?

You do realise that NORMAL blokes don't do ANY of what you have described.

You don't need counselling together, you probably don't need the CBT, you need to get yourself away from a man that routinely intimidates and (yes I'll say it) probably abuses you.

Who gives a flying F*ck if he's been working all day, you are in pain FGS and need support and help.

I think you need to focus 100% on your recovery and make plans to remove this person from your life, at all costs.

So he's feeling sorry for HIMSELF?

Stuff that for a game of soldiers. What about YOU?

This bloke is NOT normal. He is NOT a good person to be around.

He was upset becuase he felt wrongly accused (yes,y reaction was ott, it wasn't really a lie he told, i just overreacted). he later came and apologised for shouting banging the door, etc i made the point he'd apologised before. he said he was upset and i then said lots of people get upset but they don;t do things that intimidate their partners. He then got angry again, went away and banged the door again, and came back in shouting that i was lying in bed feeling sorry for mylsef and ruining the evening

How dare you feel sorry for yourself! It's not as if you've just come out of hospital or - oh wait...

What a charmer.

I suggest that when you've recovered full mobility, you pack his bags and apply your boot to his arse by way of additional physiotherapy for your good self.

Flouncing and slamming doors is for teenagers; I find this behaviour a complete turn off in adults. From what you've said, he 'shouted, swore and banged the door' and, upon his return, he subsequently apologised for his outburst and then proceeded to repeat his earlier behaviour by banging the door again.

In my book it's 2 strikes and you're out but, when it comes to door slaming/banging, I'd have struck him out the first time.

He said i caused it all and could have reacted many different ways instead of the way i did

You're lying in bed feeling sorry for yourself and ruining the evening?

Pardon? Is there anyone else in the universe that he has created? Are you a mere satellite that's decided to go out of orbit just to unbalance his enormous ego?

This man is a narcissist in the truest sense. The world revolves around him - you need to get back down to earth with real people who have feelings such as empathy, sympathy, love and understanding. And sometimes it's enough that they just care a little.

I was thinking of apologising for my behaviour but i wondering if it was really that bad. he knows his lies have made me suspicious - i hate being suspicious

What does he lie about?

he'd say he does care becuase he's taken next week of work to look after me, take ds to school, etc

mainly silly things. last year he lied about having taken ds's temperature, then had a go at me "for upsetting" myself when i found out, years ago he said he'd filed some paper away at work for me, he hadn't, he said e never looked at porn, then i found out he was looking at it a feew times a week

If he'd lied about something really important, like an affair, or that he was not really his father's child etc, I would entertain the thought that he's lying to spare your feelings. But this kind of lying is not about care - it's about keeping himself a step above you, making sure he can always have the upper hand. Knowledge is power - it's a way to make you powerless.

Is there anywhere you can go?

Spend - yes i'm inclined to agree. My ds (5) has told a few lie recently - eg saying he'd cleaned his teeth when he hadn't - i had stern words and explained why it was wrong and he seem to have grasped it already. H is in his 40's and still hasn't

He said i caused it all and could have reacted many different ways instead of the way i did

By that token, he too could have reacted in many other ways than shouting, swearing, and banging doors. Do you even pause to consider whether he has a point when he says such laughable bullshit as: "It's your fault, you made me angry?". Because that's what the above is. And it's tosh: only he has control over his own actions. And they're not pretty.

I think you and your pickle would positively flourish away from this man.

Hotdamn - yes that did occur to me too.
hellish here now as i cant go out or do much becuase of the op and he's here "looking after me" for the week. he's not mentioned it this morning, just asked if i want a drink, food etc

When he's caught in a lie, he resorts to the 'attack is the best form of defence' tactic.

If that's been his strategy for 40+ years, I somehow doubt that you'll see any modification of his behaviour anytime soon.

I agree with Hotdamn that you and your pickle will flourish in a home that is devoid of shouting and swearing and where doors open and close in normal fashion.

As soon as you're fully recovered, I suggest you engage in the additional physiotherapy I've recommended above.

So he didn't lie, tried to tell you so but
You were not having it and where adamant he lied still.

His past lies don't
Sound massive tbh but obv we dot
Know the full back story

His reaction was bad but I would be pretty pissed at DH if he said I was lying when I wasn't and then refused
To believe me when I explained.

I think this relationship is
Good for no one

Izzy, yes I'm sure you're right - he won't change. think it all feels worse too because of the op and feeling vilnerable and reliant on him atm

He said he'd only stop shouting, swearing ,banging doors if i acccept he's "doing his best"

The problem that habitual liars have is that people either tend not to believe a word they say, or take everything they say with a pinch of salt.

I would have thought he'd realise that he stands more chance of you accepting that he's 'doing his best' if he stops shouting, swearing, and banging doors.

What was he referring to? 'Doing his best' to stop telling porkies or 'doing his best' to look after you while you recuperate?

He said he'd only stop shouting, swearing ,banging doors if i acccept he's "doing his best"

Oh, that's a winner of a deal.

I wish you a peaceful and speedy recovery, and the emotional strength to deal with this once your physical strength is back.

izzy - i think he meant doing his best to look after me.
Thanks Hot

He's getting at you when you are down, typically abusive behaviour. He's telling you how he's doing a favour when he has taken time off work to look after dcs because you can't move and have had a big op. He is being a drama queen so that you sit up in your sickbed and tka notic. FFs, a good man would be there for you, a good parent would simply do what is necessary and a good friend would give you calm and space to recover.
zone him out, don't engage and use your recovery time to think about the kind of calm, supportive life you and your dcs could have without him.
as you get better practise izzy's physiotherapy exercise in readiness for the big boot out the door.