H returning 3 weeks away on business, emails to say he's leaving, wants divorce

[sparklerach]

Having made the blueberry muffins (his favourite) in anticipation of DH's arrival home after 3 week business trip, I am reeling from getting an email saying he's coming back but not coming home-he's used the time to prepare himself for living alone, and will be moving into a hotel.(he sent email just before getting on long haul flight). Oh, and he wants to come over drop off presents for the children and then wants us to tell the children together...!?
Quite apart from not having actually spoken to me at all about it, I can't believe he would do this to them- Sunday afternoon 'hi daddy, welcome back wow look at my present, oh you're leaving and divorcing mummy?
Our relationship has been a struggle, but he recently got a well paid job, and I also got a job for the first time in 10 years so was feeling like things were on track, we'd have more to spend on ourselves/going out, babysitters etc and could re light the fire- turns out he was in fact planning his exit now that he no longer has to 'support me" (words he has used in the past to indicate his resentment that i didn't have a job)
The thing is, this is the second time he's done this- last time(5 yrs ago) I talked him round- he was in crisis, job going badly, his father terminally ill etc and clearly depressed I was seriously worried he'd throw himself under a train or harm himself. He's never really recovered from that time and acknowledged that in his email saying he's leaving- basically said he didn't want to stay prev but didn't have the balls to go , only says he loves me to make me happy but doesn't etc etc.. So I am gutted ,sad and I realise really distressed for the DC (7 +12).
I don't know what I can do to stop him telling them in this manner esp when we have not actually spoken to each other.
Also, a friend came over to support me, and I discovered that having changed his bank account recently, done our tax return and opened some tax free savings accounts, he has removed all the paperwork from our house- something he must have done before he left. His email declares that 'of course he will pay the childrens fees etc' and he will take financial advice to help HIM work out how to financially support them. In addition, previously he has actively discouraged me from having a pension saying that of course i didn't need it as he has one and we will be together won't we meaningful looks... so I backed down. Both the fact that hes planned it and removed paperwork plus the way I have steadily been removed from any connection to his money are ringing alarm bells. (I realise now that he has set up new savings accounts which I know nothing about- balances /banks, and I also realise has arranged for his new salary to be paid into some other account(not our joint).
I am drained by 12years looking after an emotionally remote, depressed, alcohol(and sometimes porn) dependant partner. I feel like there is a large hole in the bottom of his soul and all the emotional support I have poured into him over the years has simply spilled straight out the bottom. He appears not to have thought much at all about the impact on the children to have them and I all believing everything ok and then suddenly this..

Didn't want to read and run.
It sounds as though he has been planning this for a very long time and has disengaged completely from your relationship. It does not sound salvageable to me. What you really must do is concentrate on getting everything that you and your DC are entitled to. I'd be very concerned about his actions on the financial arrangements and urge you to seek advice from a solicitor ASAP. Ring them first thing on Monday.
As for telling the children, I'd do no such thing until he has explained things properly to you. It sounds as though he's trying to force you into presenting a united front to the children so that he doesn't look like the bad guy. I'd be tempted to tell the kids that dad is coming home then immediately leaving for another week or two for work while you and he have a chance to talk things through and clarify the situation.

What time were you expecting to be 'home' tomorrow? Has he given any indication of when he expects to see your dc?

Oh gosh, sounds like such a shock for you and how horrible to find that he has really planned this in sorting all the paperwork and financial stuff out.

I don't know what advice I can really offer but didn't want to read and run.

So he's arriving at some point tomorrow? (Sunday?)

I like nun's advice about telling the DC's that he's coming home but has to go away again.
Will you be able to text him to let him know this is what you'll be saying?

You poor woman. I guess the penny has dropped hadn't it that both times he's done this, another woman has been involved?

In the first instance, I would tell him that he can come to drop presents off at your convenience, but not before and that the children will not be told until you have judged that the timing is right to do so.

Change the locks as soon as you can. Despite what a solicitor has to tell you about it being unlawful and despite what you might read on here, this is civil law and the only penalty you would get would be a court order to change the locks back and provide him with a new key. But that would only be after he'd gone to the trouble of litigation in a county court against you. Most don't bother.

Next, find yourself a really fantastic solicitor who specialises in matrimonial and family law. It doesn't matter how much he tries to hide, there are ways of finding hidden bank accounts and despite his manouevrings, you will be entitled to 50% of his assets and that includes his pension.

If you've been propping up an alcohol and porn addict for years, what's happened so cruelly today will actually be your salvation. You are free of all that now.

You poor thing.
How cowardly of him to do it by email.

Great advice, as always, from the MN ladies.

You will have a lot of support here.
A pox on him, though.
Sneaky, selfish, coward that he is.

Thank you very much for your support- how do others manage sleeping btw? as you can see i'm not.. Have no idea how to speak to him. Actually I really don't want to have to but guess I will one way or another.
He sent further self pitying text saying he'd been crying ?
So many sudden questions I didn't imagine needing to ask. How do you pay for a lawyer? (I have no savings and as mentioned, he's the only one with access to his money).

It's not just his money, as a married couple all assets are joint. You must get legal advice as soon as possible. Am in Oz which is why I'm up at the moment.

and I see he's changed the password on the joint credit card so I can't log in to the account online.

Hello Sparkle

Firstly, I am so sorry to hear your news. My DH left suddenly over a year ago and it totally blindsided me. I am about to give you a list of things to action (btw I didn't take this advise myself and wish I had) - I'm focusing on the practical as I'm dashing out of the door (am in different timezone) but your post resonated with me as I when my DH I felt like a bomb had gone off in my own life and wished I had the benefit of hindsight to have done things a little differently:-

Emotional/You

1. If he is the good father I imagine he believes himself to be, he cannot in all good conscience expect you to tell the children today until you have time to process it. When you do tell them you need to be able to give them the whole story (as it relates to them) - 'eg Daddy and Mummy are going to be living in different homes, Daddy will be living XXX and will see you on XXX days and - however you position it emotionally'. It will serve them no benefit just because it suits your DH timeline to say Daddy is leaving, all will be OK, err that's it'.

1. I know from experience that you can't think straight or function without sleep. It took me ages to do it but finally I went to see my Dr who said you need help to be able to make proper decisions and I had a short course of sleeping tablets prescribed. I never thought I would be the 'type of person' who took sleeping tablets (sorry don't mean to offend anyone, just saying I resisted as wanted to cope and shouldn't have done).

1. Is there a RL friend you can confide in and lean on? Are you in a financial -position to buy ready meals/pre-prepped foods for the next week to take the strain off thinking about shopping/cooking.

1. Don't be rushed into making decisions about childcare/access etc until you consult a lawyer

Finances

Talk to your bank first thing Monday. Explain what has happened, that you no longer have access to joint accounts and can you put a freeze on the credit card until further notice.

Do you have access to any other monies? If so try and ring fence them (not spend them) until the situation becomes clearer (I didn't do any of this and ex ended up renting penthouse at more than the cost of our mortgage and bought a new wardrobe at considerable expense and ploughed through our joint savings).

Legal

Contact a lawyer (do some internet research - ask for recommendations via Mumsnet tonight in your area) and arrange to see them tomorrow. Your DH has clearly thought this through - he is on the front foot is serious about it with his pre-planning and you need to prevent any further 'aggressive' moves financially and legally.

None of the above really covers off how utterly utterly shitty and painful and bewildering and unexpected this is. I feel for you so much having walked in your shoes. The biggest mistake I made is expecting my now ex to be 'reasonable' and to fulfill the obligations/expectations we had for my DS. That is not to say you should act 'aggressively' too. It is just that I wish I had realised he had disengaged from me and our marriage many months before he left, had a plan and was seeing it through. When he left I assumed it was a breakdown/mid life crisis (we were in middle of IVF) and so assumed he would act well and have our best interests at heart. It was impossible for me to believe that he woudl act the way he has done at that point in time but he did. I would therefore say 'expect the worst and protect yourself'. If he does act well then that is great but given he gave you news via email (as did mine) has changed accounts and is making unreasonable demands re children, I think he has drawn his line in the sand.

Good luck darling and remember to eat and not drink too much (again I did both of these things to the detriment of my health and clear thinking).

Huge kiss and un MN hug
Dolly

Rach how awful for you. No words of advice just wanted to add support and echo not to tell the DC yet.

What a selfish man

Well if he's moved out go straight to the CSA for child support.
Make sure child benefit & tax credits go to your own bank account in your own name.
On Monday freeze all joint bank accounts, take your passport with you as proof of ID if there's any money in the accounts take it out then have accounts frozen, then also write to the banks/credit card companies that you need the accounts frozen.

Check if you'll get any benefits in addition to the above.

Tell council you're single occupant so you can get a discount for your council tax.

Switch all direct debits pertaining to your home to your own bank because once the bank accounts are frozen money won't be able to leave the accounts.

Have a look on the law society website and ring round solicitors and set up initial consultations with them to see who you click with, if you're low income you may qualify for legal aid, most solicitors do a free initial consultation but check before you book.

Tell your H to stay away as you need to think, if you're not ready to tell the children.

I'm actually wondering if you could run a joint credit check online with your husbands details to see if you can find details of the whereabouts of his finances.

Rally round support in RL. Accept all help offered.

I'd change locks to the house too.

Great post fuzzy.

How awful what a cowardly spineless and selfish bastard.

wishing you strength for today - you need to fight for your own and the DC's future and that means being strong.

I echo Hatty's comment that there is OW involved - your H's engaged elsewhere, this has been planned for ages and men do not generally leave the family home and its comforts to live as a single man in a hotel...

He sounds like a complete and utter coward.

You do need to get angry, now, and channel that anger into getting good legal advice and making sure this wanker doesnt leave you and your children high and dry.

I agree with previous posters - don't see him or engage with him at the moment. Tell him he can talk to you through your solicitor and change the locks.

I'm so sorry OP. Unfortunately, it looks as though there is an OW involved and probably for some time as he has been meticulously planning his exit.

I think that you are sort of in shock for about a month (just my experience) and during that month, take the advice as above and just focus on getting through it. You will get through it, however it is a horrendously painful process. Always remember during the really bad days that they will pass and you will come through this. My family and H's family were really kind to me - can you get any support from anyone in RL?

Get yourself to your GP and explain the situation. They should be able to give you something short term to deal with the shock and help with sleep.

Change locks and go to a solicitor Monday morning. He has planned this so you are on the back foot, but you are entitled to a substantial share of assets as a mainly SAHM. It will be a fight, but you will win.

Protect yourself from the dreadful man

I couldn't read and not post.
What a shocking situation to find yourself in.
I second all of the great advice that you've been given.
Is there someone that you are close to who could be with you today? X

Oh how awful. So premeditated. I really feel for you. It's now 2 years since my marriage came to an end and I still remember how it feels.

You're getting some great advice here, eat when you can, try and look after yourself and as others have said start getting legal advice. It'll help you feel like your are doing something. The GP as others have said, maybe able to prescribe you something.

If he does go ahead and tell them, it can be very hard on them to begin with, inform the school and you maybe able to get some counselling for them as they come to terms with it all. There are also some great books out there to read together as you adjust to this awful shock. You have to reach deep within yourself for reserves of strengths you never knew you had. Ask friends or family for help and keep talking on here or with a good friend.

The way you describe him, it will be a relief if he lives elsewhere.

I, too, think there's likely to be someone else involved. Do you know he was definitely with work for the last three weeks? He has clearly been planning this for ages and I doubt that the thought of a little flat on his own was the spur.

Get practical and do as the posters above advise.

I wouldn't be in when he comes home. There's no way I'd tell the children in that way.

Do you have enough money to pay for food and short term bills?

Not much advice apart from get a locksmith out NOW and change the locks. Who knows what else he could come in and remove from the house when you're out?!

I would second going out this afternoon so as to not be available. I would also tell the kids something myself, not present a united front with him. I would also ind al financial details you can, including his employer, mortgage, insurance, and bank details or clues (eg. which banks his accounts might be with). (Old bank statements might help you find where money has gone, if he has transferred electronically, so try to get as many as you can, you can get copies from the bank if necessary.)
On Monday you go and find yourself a S* hot lawyer.
You are entitled to half his pension, and a share of his finances.

A friend of mine who went trhough a very messy divorce with a OH who hid a lot of his money, in the end settled for less than 1/2 but still plenty to fund a pretty good way of life for her and their DC. You may have to settle for this in the end, but don't let it eat you up, just don't let him dictate what you will get, let the law do that.

I didn't actually do this as my STBXHs pension was accrued before we got together and morally I did not feel it right) but, regardless of what paperwork he has removed from the house, you do have an entitlement to his pension and this will get sorted out if/when you get divorced.

I don't know what the state of play is right now but, even if you do get back on track, arm yourself with the knowledge of what you are entitled to so you don't have the worry of this if there is a next time.

Look up Rights of/for Women, they are an organisation that offer free legal advice to women, make an appointment with a solicitor and get some free advice and also go to the CAB. I don't know what your exact entitlement to his pension would be but when you get a Decree Nisi, you have to do a financial disclosure and he will have to state what assets and income he has.

In the interim, contact Child Maintainance Options who will tell you what child/spousal support you are entitled to as well as how to arrange it.

Good luck!

Oh, OP, this is so horrible for you and your children. Please let this coward go and take the practical advice offered by the other posters. You deserve a much better future, than the past you have experienced and you can have that in time, after you get over this. Bless you all.

Just sitting here wondering what would have happened if you hadn't read your email before he returned! :(

He timed it for maximum grief (practically and emotionally) for you - the weekend making it tricky to sort stuff out like banks and things. He could have told you at the start of his break and you would have had more time to process and get advice and so on. But no.

Would ring your joint credit card company/bank now (should be a number on the card) and say what has happened and get them to stop the card now. If your dh has changed passwords to joint things then I would ring them up and report that too and see if you can get them to Freeze access. Even If you tell them that you are worried hackers have got in. If he has stopped you from accessing it no reason why he should have access - might also make him think a bit if he gets back and can't use a card hes expecting to. It's worth trying to do it by phone - if it works great and one less thing to think about and if it doesn't you're still in the same position you are of needing to go in tomorrow to sort it out. Banks must be used to this sort of thing and have protocols for it. And they would be in serious problems if they ignore you if you ring up and say that you have been locked out of your own account and they did nothing about it.

And I don't see why you should have to present a united front to your dc - if he insists on coming and saying something I'd tell him fine, you can tell us all together (keeping it age appropriate for the dc and giving you more detail separately). I certainly don't think that you need to let him have it easy when talking to the dc.

Have you rounded up all your paper work and any of his that he has left behind? Find it all and mOve it somewhere different. Make copies of any of his stuff left behind and put it somewhere safe, preferably out of your house (have you got a friend close by you could drop it off at?). Also back up all his files that are on your joint pc in case he wipes them - don't be selective now there isn't time, just get as much stuff backed up as you can and keep the back ups away from him too.

Good luck - you've been put in a horrible position and I hope you can get through it to find something better beyond!