H returning 3 weeks away on business, emails to say he's leaving, wants divorce

[sparklerach]

Having made the blueberry muffins (his favourite) in anticipation of DH's arrival home after 3 week business trip, I am reeling from getting an email saying he's coming back but not coming home-he's used the time to prepare himself for living alone, and will be moving into a hotel.(he sent email just before getting on long haul flight). Oh, and he wants to come over drop off presents for the children and then wants us to tell the children together...!?
Quite apart from not having actually spoken to me at all about it, I can't believe he would do this to them- Sunday afternoon 'hi daddy, welcome back wow look at my present, oh you're leaving and divorcing mummy?
Our relationship has been a struggle, but he recently got a well paid job, and I also got a job for the first time in 10 years so was feeling like things were on track, we'd have more to spend on ourselves/going out, babysitters etc and could re light the fire- turns out he was in fact planning his exit now that he no longer has to 'support me" (words he has used in the past to indicate his resentment that i didn't have a job)
The thing is, this is the second time he's done this- last time(5 yrs ago) I talked him round- he was in crisis, job going badly, his father terminally ill etc and clearly depressed I was seriously worried he'd throw himself under a train or harm himself. He's never really recovered from that time and acknowledged that in his email saying he's leaving- basically said he didn't want to stay prev but didn't have the balls to go , only says he loves me to make me happy but doesn't etc etc.. So I am gutted ,sad and I realise really distressed for the DC (7 +12).
I don't know what I can do to stop him telling them in this manner esp when we have not actually spoken to each other.
Also, a friend came over to support me, and I discovered that having changed his bank account recently, done our tax return and opened some tax free savings accounts, he has removed all the paperwork from our house- something he must have done before he left. His email declares that 'of course he will pay the childrens fees etc' and he will take financial advice to help HIM work out how to financially support them. In addition, previously he has actively discouraged me from having a pension saying that of course i didn't need it as he has one and we will be together won't we meaningful looks... so I backed down. Both the fact that hes planned it and removed paperwork plus the way I have steadily been removed from any connection to his money are ringing alarm bells. (I realise now that he has set up new savings accounts which I know nothing about- balances /banks, and I also realise has arranged for his new salary to be paid into some other account(not our joint).
I am drained by 12years looking after an emotionally remote, depressed, alcohol(and sometimes porn) dependant partner. I feel like there is a large hole in the bottom of his soul and all the emotional support I have poured into him over the years has simply spilled straight out the bottom. He appears not to have thought much at all about the impact on the children to have them and I all believing everything ok and then suddenly this..

OP do you have money at the moment, are you OK financially for the time being?

If not, before frezing account's I'd do balance transfers from the joint credit card to my own bank account. You need money for the day to day running of the household and possible emergencies whilst your finances get sorted.

I was left with seriously overdrawn bank accounts by x he actually withdrew all the money we had in the joint account and maxed out the overdraft limit too. I neded up with two very young chidlren and a house that started falling apart around my ears whilst he moved into a plush five bed house with his gf.

It may sound mercenary but take care of yourself and your children.

Also you really urgently need to find where he has shifted his monies because if you can't prove in court he has these monies the court won't do anything about it, it will end up being a tussle over your home, x tried this but I knew where his bank accounts were and the location of his new house, altho he tried to make me sell the former marital home and get a percentage from it, the judge decided that as I could categorically show he had his own property I got to stay in the former marital home with our children. X actually tried to present himself in court as the poor devoted husband who had been kicked out of his home and made homeless!!!!!
Go thro your bank statements with a fine tooth comb, you will find something, tell friends and family someone must know something if nothign else you need the moral support.

Of everything that has been written, all of it good, please read this several times:

The biggest mistake I made is expecting my now ex to be 'reasonable' and to fulfill the obligations/expectations we had for my DS. That is not to say you should act 'aggressively' too. It is just that I wish I had realised he had disengaged from me and our marriage many months before he left, had a plan and was seeing it through. When he left I assumed it was a breakdown/mid life crisis (we were in middle of IVF) and so assumed he would act well and have our best interests at heart. It was impossible for me to believe that he woudl act the way he has done at that point in time but he did. I would therefore say 'expect the worst and protect yourself'. If he does act well then that is great but given he gave you news via email (as did mine) has changed accounts and is making unreasonable demands re children, I think he has drawn his line in the sand.

THIS MAN IS NO LONGER YOUR FRIEND. DO NOT 'play by the rules' with him in the hope that he will reciprocate. In his mind you are an object to be got rid of as quickly as possible. So you need to get real as fast as you can and act to protect yourself.

Lawyer. Forensic accountant. Subpeona bank, investment and pension records.

Change the locks.

Find Miss Loveyoulongtime to make sure you get it: he has OW and he is gone.

Get counselling if you can. Al-Anon is heartily recommended (to develop detachment and boundaries) and is free.

Run a credit check on him, you'll be able to find out about any debts he may have that you are unaware of.

So sorry

Running a credit check could also should show up any other accounts he may of opened, though he could of been sneaky and used another address

we have spoken face to face now. lots of how he feels so bad, but also he's adamant he doesn't love me and this is what he wants. I am all out of any urge to argue over that- and while i'm still shocked and teary there's also a level of acceptance that I've no fight in me, and it's definitely over. it's more how the kids are helped through this, and how we manage the seemingly endless things I now have to consider. Seems like a whole new part of life like parenting or something with all sorts of new information and rules and pitfalls.

Financially It seems the changing password thing may be a glitch as he swears it wasn't him and they must have reset it. Also, he seems willing to make a full financial disclosure. The thing is, i'd really have no way of knowing how full it was so unless ordered by court... I feel that he's feeling magnanimous and generous in his offer of maintenance(basically a bit more than I currently have each month- which is fine really in terms of needs). But..I feel quite worried that once he tells family / friends they will start offering him advice and telling him not to be generous. His family are not really fans of mine.
As for other parties involved he's pretty clearly stated that he's not seeing anyone and I've no reason not to believe that.
While he's certain he wants to separate- all the more emotionally challenging stuff like telling the kids he hasn't thought about. So far he's happy to wait until we have agreed a strategy and I am absolutely dreading it. I just can't work out whether now is better, or if I should wait a bit. I feel like waiting but also don't know if I can pull off not crying all the time in front of them which will be worrying and require explanations in any case.
I am so fed up with playing emotional clean up .... no sleep last night too so I guess will see how it goes tonight and off to the GP if the same.

I don't normally post here, and I have no experience of what you are going through, but I can tell you one thing - the changing password is not a glitch. Is the removal of the paperwork from your house a glitch as well? Lawyer and accountant up as soon as possible.

I'm so sorry that this is happening to you.

I agree. Passwords do not get changed by themselves. He did it. Don't trust a word he says. Get yourself a good lawyer asap. Research now and call them first thing in the morning. Do a bit of prep in letting your DC's know what's happening. They will sense something's up anyway.

Good Luck. It's the end of but one chapter in your life. Not the end of your life.

He gave you 24hrs notice to present a united front to the children that you are splitting up. Does that sound like somebody who is being up front, honest and caring?

It sounds like an ambush to me.

Don't leave the house, and don't trust him.

Trust your instincts. You knew something was up when you discovered all the paperwork was missing. He was able to look you in the eyes, live under the same roof and behave perfectly normally without you suspecting anything before leaving for the three week business trip. If he was able to act perfectly normally then, why think that he can't lie to you know.

You have a right to protect yourself and your children. I have never had the misfortune to go through what you are experiencing now, but you seem to have been given some excellent advice from those who have. You will be doing nothing wrong with following their advice and your husband will have nothing to worry about if he's planning to be as fair as he claims. He has made no allowances for you so far so why pay him any courtesy? It's always my belief that it's better to regret something you have done than haven't. You can only loose out if you don't take steps to protect your own and your children's futures.

I can't comment on whether he actually has another woman but I wouldn't completely rule it out. I certainly wouldn't just take his word for it. If he did have another woman, would it change the way you reacted or behaved towards him If the answer is yes, then he knows that as well as you do. It does him no favours now to admit to it, if it's something that he can keep hidden from you.

He's doing what's best for him. You MUST do what is best for you.

He offered you housekeeping which is a litte more than he gives you right now?

Check the CSA calculator, your children are entitled to 20% of his salary, I also get mortgage payments on top of that and x had to pay court fees.

The passwords didnt magically re-set themselves, the money did not move away by itself, he's in the process of shafting you financially, smile, agree, nod, and get lawyered up on Monday, get every penny you are entitled too.

As for the OW angle, I am betting there is someone but right now make sure you are financially secure.

Do not trust him. He has been planning this for some time. Hence: new accounts, changing passwords, being away for 3 weeks then springing it on you. I would wonder if he is even really going to a hotel, or does he have a place set up for his OW (he might not have one, but she may well exist).
Go to see a lawyer and get the lawyer to communicate with him.
To explain to the kids you can use something like "Two of everything" by Babette Cole, but this is not necessarily the truth.
Do not agree to anything without legal advice, and charge the cost as part of the settlement.
Do see your GP, and let your work know, and the kids schools. Tell people, and you will be surprised who offers support.

I just want to offer my support. Lots of great advice no here already.

Good luck with everything, it will be a long hard struggle at first but worth it in the end and you do sound like you will be better off without him.

As for the kids, tell them when you feel ready to talk to them about it without crygin too much. They will have lots of questions, but ultimately, there is no point holding off telling them for their sakes, tell them when you feel up to it. They will be fine, in the long run, especially if their fsther plans on keeping in their lives and having regular contact.

Really sorry, what a shock.

You say you have no fight left in you - but to fight for what? Another "12years looking after an emotionally remote, depressed, alcohol(and sometimes porn) dependant partner"?

I imagine you had been hoping that things would improve, but in truth, was that ever likely? It is undignified to beg to stay with someone who says they don't love you, so now is the time to gather yourself up and not waste another 12 minutes over this deeply selfish man.

If he is really alcohol dependent and depressed, you could never have made him happy, because you weren't the source of the unhappiness - he was. Now he is punishing you for not having made him happy. But it was an impossible task.

Take all the advice about money etc, and concentrate on gathering up your strength and putting it to good use looking after YOURSELF and your children - not pouring it into the bottomless pit of his ungrateful self.

In time, my guess is you will find life is liberated.

Good luck.

Don't trust him an inch, get thee to a solicitor and get a court orderd disclosure of all the finances. Get the credit cards, savings accounts and joint accounts frozen first thing on Monday. I'm sorry he is doing this to you.

I hope you are and your children are ok OP. Sounds like there is a OW to me.

Remove the 'are'

Are you sure he was away 'on business' ?

And if he was, who was he with or who was he meeting.

It's just unusual for someone to be so adament about a marriage being over without there being someone else involved. That third party often is the thing to sharpen their mind to leave...just a heads up OP.

OP, I do hope you take the excellent advice you've been given here and lawyer up as soon as you can. One thing that jumped out of your OP was that he resented supporting you when you were a SAHM- for that reason alone, I'd assume he's going to be loath to give you as much as you're entitled to now. That's without considering the fact that he's several steps ahead of you wrt access to the joint account, removing all his paperwork etc.

I don't normally post on separation issues, but felt I had to here.

Do not trust him.

There will be more to it.

Our of all our friends relationships that have broken down in the past 25 years, (and there have been a lot) only one has not been because of another woman.

One.

So dig very deep.

Hope you feel better soon.

And on almost every time someone posts a story on MN about their H leaving the family for no apparent reason - it turns out there is another woman, although sometimes, it can take months for this to come to light because the H is so determined to secure the best deal he can for himself legally and financially and also not look bad to his family & friends.

I also wouldn't trust him with regard to the password changing given that he has removed the paperwork and planned this. He is just trying to paper over the cracks so you don't ask any difficult questions.

My two pence worth:

Are you sure he went away on business and hasn't just had a 3 week trial run at the OW's place? Did you see the flight tickets / see him off at the airport / speak to someone from his office?

The password reset is his doing not a glitch. you said yourself he is now paying his salary into a non-joint account and has removed paperwork so you know he is getting more secretive about his finances. Where do you think the paperwork is - did he take it with him on his business trip? If not he has another safe place to keep it. At the OW's?

You don't trust him not to listen to his family and friends about how generous to be. so you can't trust him to do the right thing before his family and friends find out he has left you. Someone on this thread said you are entitled to the mortgage being paid and 20% of his salary. How does that compare to what he is currently offering you? I'd put money on him paying you less than you are entitled to - a man removing financial paperwork from the marital home is doing that for a reason.

Let him think you are being compliant but arm yourself with the best legal advice you can find. Big hugs.