H returning 3 weeks away on business, emails to say he's leaving, wants divorce

[sparklerach]

Having made the blueberry muffins (his favourite) in anticipation of DH's arrival home after 3 week business trip, I am reeling from getting an email saying he's coming back but not coming home-he's used the time to prepare himself for living alone, and will be moving into a hotel.(he sent email just before getting on long haul flight). Oh, and he wants to come over drop off presents for the children and then wants us to tell the children together...!?
Quite apart from not having actually spoken to me at all about it, I can't believe he would do this to them- Sunday afternoon 'hi daddy, welcome back wow look at my present, oh you're leaving and divorcing mummy?
Our relationship has been a struggle, but he recently got a well paid job, and I also got a job for the first time in 10 years so was feeling like things were on track, we'd have more to spend on ourselves/going out, babysitters etc and could re light the fire- turns out he was in fact planning his exit now that he no longer has to 'support me" (words he has used in the past to indicate his resentment that i didn't have a job)
The thing is, this is the second time he's done this- last time(5 yrs ago) I talked him round- he was in crisis, job going badly, his father terminally ill etc and clearly depressed I was seriously worried he'd throw himself under a train or harm himself. He's never really recovered from that time and acknowledged that in his email saying he's leaving- basically said he didn't want to stay prev but didn't have the balls to go , only says he loves me to make me happy but doesn't etc etc.. So I am gutted ,sad and I realise really distressed for the DC (7 +12).
I don't know what I can do to stop him telling them in this manner esp when we have not actually spoken to each other.
Also, a friend came over to support me, and I discovered that having changed his bank account recently, done our tax return and opened some tax free savings accounts, he has removed all the paperwork from our house- something he must have done before he left. His email declares that 'of course he will pay the childrens fees etc' and he will take financial advice to help HIM work out how to financially support them. In addition, previously he has actively discouraged me from having a pension saying that of course i didn't need it as he has one and we will be together won't we meaningful looks... so I backed down. Both the fact that hes planned it and removed paperwork plus the way I have steadily been removed from any connection to his money are ringing alarm bells. (I realise now that he has set up new savings accounts which I know nothing about- balances /banks, and I also realise has arranged for his new salary to be paid into some other account(not our joint).
I am drained by 12years looking after an emotionally remote, depressed, alcohol(and sometimes porn) dependant partner. I feel like there is a large hole in the bottom of his soul and all the emotional support I have poured into him over the years has simply spilled straight out the bottom. He appears not to have thought much at all about the impact on the children to have them and I all believing everything ok and then suddenly this..

Just reading your post and feeling so sad the way he has treated you and the children.

Duplicitous bastard. Don't believe anything he tells you from now on. Take all the advice given on here and start ringing round at 9am tomorrow. You and your children are the important ones now. Take him for everything you can.

Good luck xxx

Johnworf is right, assume everything he tells you from now on is self serving. No one that breathtakingly selfish with your feelings and your childrens feelings would be totally selfless about anything else.

If he is telling the truth, great. But if he isnt then you are protected. Hope for the best but prepare for the worst. And I am sorry, but I agree that there is probably an OW, I have seen this too many times on here and I dont remember a single one where there wasnt another woman involved (or, admittedly, severe MH issues but his level of planning and his flawless execution of said plan would indicate he is in full control of his faculties).

Thinking of you xx

He definitely changed the password and I would be wondering why - what's on that statement he doesn't want you to see. Can't you just go through the 'forgotten password' link to reset?

I'm so sorry, OP. Please don't believe him about the passwords. My STBX H was considered a really decent, reliable bloke, but he lied and lied to me about changing passwords, PINs etc. He was trying to cover up about his OW, rather than financial matters, but I will never trust him about anything, again. ((((hugs)))) You will be better off without him in the end.

Hey Sparkle

I'm just going to post one more time as I things sound so familiar and are raising red flags with me that I think you should consider.

Firstly, let me caveat this by saying that when this was happening to me, I could not even begin to get my head around the fact that my DH has already mentally separated himself from me. I could not comprehend the fact the had been thinking about doing this for a while and had a step by step plan. I could also not imagine that he had an OW whom he would hide for a while until the pieces fell into place. We - even when in this situation - think that our husbands would not to x or y and most importantly they would not lie to us or jeapordise their children's future.

I am sure that you feel a little 'attacked' or at least in a defensive position when you say that you believe your husband about the password and other things - it proably seems so improbable that he could be so calcualted. I know that I did. When everyone said that there must be an OW, I said, no I don't think so, he is so adamant and swore on my DS life etc. Inveitably there was.

So I would say the following. You sound like a very smart woman. I'm sure that in your heart of hearts you know that passwords don't reset themselves. Even if they did it would be a spectacular co-incidence of timing that they did so the day that you husband emails you asking for a divorce. I think you know that paper work does not disappear. And I think you know that men don't ask for a divorce via email having already thought up how much money they will offer you on a 'whim' (incidentally, you say you have been managing on the money that he is offering - but does this take into consideration housing, car costs, child care costs for when you increase working hours, etc etc). This has been a plan for some time and he will have been reading up on things. I would suggest that him backtracking on the password is because he did expect you to be so on top of things and he is now worried that you will be off to the solicitors asap on Monday morning which he probably didn't reckon on. You also say that you would have no way of knowing if he fully disclosed all his financial details. I think this is your instinct kicking in - you already don't trust him on a fundamental level about money and you should go with this.

You are still in shock from all this. You absolutely need advice before agreeing to anything. Please don't make any decisions about money or children or moving etc on your own. Take the advice from people who have gone before you. Do not be 'collaborative' with him about letting him know who and where you are going to for legal advice. He will no doubt convince you that you don't need it, to remain amicable - but he hasn't has he. He sent you an email, blind-sided you, changed passwords, taken paperwork, planned his exit and isn't counting on you being a strong woman and taking some control back. Taking advice isn't you being 'unreasonable'. It is you being sensible and being a good mother. Don't let him convince you it is anything other than common sense.

I wish you good luck - sorry for long post - I do feel so strongly about this from my own experience. I am a really (she says herself) intelligent, smart and ballsy woman, but I just fell apart and made some poor decisions due to my inability to grasp my ex would do some of the things he did. I also got 'tired' of it all and settled for a few things I wish I hadn't. The problem is you are forced to make some of the most important decision of your life when you are at your lowest ebb, lowest self esteem and lowest energy. But it is the rest of your life. Make careful decisions my love.

Good luck

Lots of hugs to you.

Be strong. And don't believe the soft soap story he is giving you. 3 weeks seems a very long business trip, more like a strategy and protect his own backside trip.

Please call solicitor first thing in morning and get to your bank.

Time to protect you and your children.

Huge amounts of support out there.

This is a blessing in disguise.

Good luck.

OP I can't advise you, I haven't been through what you're going through. Please please take on board what everyone else said though. Your husband is calculating, self-serving and duplicitous. Man up, change the locks, call the bank, see the solicitor and get what's rightfully yours. Protect yourself and give yourself whatever you need.

12 years with an alcoholic is a very long time. Your confidence will be low, but soon you will be free of him - but accept no compromises. Good luck.

Catz: I'm inclined to agree that 3 weeks sounds like a suspiciously long time for a business trip. I hate to say it, but I think there could be a particularly pressing reason he doesn't want you to be able to trace what he's been spending his money on and where in the last few weeks, OP.

Do you know anyone at his place of work well enough to ring them and sort of finesse it out of them whether he's been in work the last few weeks, and if not, whether it was annual leave or a business trip? Can anyone think of a fiendishly cunning cover story for finding out same?

It was planned well in advance OP.. Get a lawyer Now. Sooo sorry for you.

It doesn't matter how, why or what, cover yourself now.

Use shock, hate, anything, but get covered.

I would second Downunder (brilliant post btw) and add that you do not have to make decisions just because he wants you to.

He wants this done and dusted, to his advantage, as quickly as possible and will harrass you into making decisions and agreeing to things asap. You dont have to do anything. All you need to do in the immediate future is to agree a schedule when he can see the children (and dont allow him to say he will "pop round" to see them, have seen that go pearshaped too often on here, he must pick them up, take them for the agreed period and then return them).

Everything else can wait until you have had good legal advice. And you will be making your solicitors job alot harder if you have agreed to anything before you see them as they may need to undo (or may not be able to undo) any decisions you made under pressure from him.

He has disconnected from you, and as hard as it is, try to disconnect from him. Yes grieve for what you have lost , but when he is on your back about money etc think of him as an annoying child who wants their drink NOWWWWWW! and deal with him in the same way. Tell him you will respond when you have considered the matter and then ignore.

Dont forget that his total lack of consideration of the children in this proves just what a selfish bastard he is. He's admitted didnt even think about them, just himself. So you dont have to think about him, just them and yourself. Frankly, fuck him. If he has been crying he deserves to bastard well cry and if I got my hands on him he would have something to cry about!

It will be hard, but remember you have support and we will be with you every step of the way.
xxx

can you afford a PI to see if dh is going back to hotel or somewhere else?

If dh was not in work tomorrow you could phone his manager or who is free to talk to (or if dh is in work phone first thing before dh has chance to tell anyone not to give any info out) and say 'dh thinks he has left his wedding ring in the hotel he was staying at last week do you have the number of the hotel so I can check if they have found it?'

Manager will say what buisness trip or hold on I will get the name of it now!

If he says 'what buisness trip?'you could say thank you bye or say 'was dh in work last week?' Manager will say 'trip/leave/work/sick etc...' be fast in asking not giving the manager time to cover up.

or you could use tomorrow if dh their....'I think dh is sucidal again and very depressed. He was very tearful when he arrived home yesterday. How was he when he was away last few weeks on the trip?' and see what manager says!

Sea, the PI might be ok but not sure what it would prove tbh, the OP already knows what a shithead he is and if he is cheating (hey,innocent until proven guilty....) then it will come out eventually. And the phoning work thing could work against her, I am certain no lawyer would suggest that. It would make her look umhinged at a time when she needs people behind her.

unhinged even

You have had such great advice but i just wanted to add my support.I was dumped by my dh of 18 yrs and left with our 4 children one only 8 months a big mortgage and tough job.I am proud to say i stood up and survived and went on to have a much improved life with my children.
I felt like i would die of a broken heart but i didnt
Many will tell you the same. I did fight tooth and nail for my home etc,even though i felt defeated. I am so glad i did now,dont let your feelings of despair stop you getting legal help asap.
As for sleeping,calms then herbal nytol then proper nytol then off to the gp for you.I found excercise helped and forcing myself to eat something small.
I didnt sleep properly for ages but used the awake time to process my thoughts. Dont lie in bed for too long either,get up and do something or read for a bit then try again later.

oh OP I was just thinking of reason to phone work as Fetch suggested and wanted the challenge of thinking up something if it was needed!

BUt def would think of PI as if he has OW will this help your divorce settlement?

Otherwise fab advise here by the MN's

What a nasty man sh*t.

Chances are the "hotel" is chez OW, with all bank/savings statements having been diverted to her address.

Please do some practical things to make you feel better.

Get a roll of cheap thin bin bags, bag up his stuff and sling it out store carefully in garage.

Re-arrange things to how you like them, gather your friends and family around you, do things for you and the DC not him.

Keep talking to us, let us know how you are. We are all here for you. He's trying to blindside you? Well, we will help you with the countermoves.

Sending you a big hug, when he comes round (whatever he says, remember the phrase (let me think about this, I'll get back to you - do not agree anything without talking to a solicitor), do you have a friend whose car he doesn't know, to discretely follow him 'home'?

Finding OW (even though she is irrelevant) helps cut through the shock and numbness.

Also: let us vaguely know where you live (area or county), someone will know a mean ass divorce lawyer in that area.

This is in so many ways similar to my story I feel sick even reading about your situation OP. There has been some brilliant advice on here and I'm not down the road far enough to add any more other than repeating to sure you get a very good lawyer who you feel comfortable with and comes with recommendations.

I changed solicitors at an early stage because I just didnt think I could work with the first one. It seemed a mad and desperate move, but mad and desperate times............ It has done me untold good.

Good luck.

It's not about him graciously deciding what he can afford to give you.

Absolutely. As his head is currently completely up his own arse soon to be found OW's twunt he is currently in la-la land anyway. Do NOT go along with his agenda.

How are you today OP. Keep following the advice of the ladies on here that have been through the same.

TC x

Hope you are ok Sparklerach