H returning 3 weeks away on business, emails to say he's leaving, wants divorce

[sparklerach]

Having made the blueberry muffins (his favourite) in anticipation of DH's arrival home after 3 week business trip, I am reeling from getting an email saying he's coming back but not coming home-he's used the time to prepare himself for living alone, and will be moving into a hotel.(he sent email just before getting on long haul flight). Oh, and he wants to come over drop off presents for the children and then wants us to tell the children together...!?
Quite apart from not having actually spoken to me at all about it, I can't believe he would do this to them- Sunday afternoon 'hi daddy, welcome back wow look at my present, oh you're leaving and divorcing mummy?
Our relationship has been a struggle, but he recently got a well paid job, and I also got a job for the first time in 10 years so was feeling like things were on track, we'd have more to spend on ourselves/going out, babysitters etc and could re light the fire- turns out he was in fact planning his exit now that he no longer has to 'support me" (words he has used in the past to indicate his resentment that i didn't have a job)
The thing is, this is the second time he's done this- last time(5 yrs ago) I talked him round- he was in crisis, job going badly, his father terminally ill etc and clearly depressed I was seriously worried he'd throw himself under a train or harm himself. He's never really recovered from that time and acknowledged that in his email saying he's leaving- basically said he didn't want to stay prev but didn't have the balls to go , only says he loves me to make me happy but doesn't etc etc.. So I am gutted ,sad and I realise really distressed for the DC (7 +12).
I don't know what I can do to stop him telling them in this manner esp when we have not actually spoken to each other.
Also, a friend came over to support me, and I discovered that having changed his bank account recently, done our tax return and opened some tax free savings accounts, he has removed all the paperwork from our house- something he must have done before he left. His email declares that 'of course he will pay the childrens fees etc' and he will take financial advice to help HIM work out how to financially support them. In addition, previously he has actively discouraged me from having a pension saying that of course i didn't need it as he has one and we will be together won't we meaningful looks... so I backed down. Both the fact that hes planned it and removed paperwork plus the way I have steadily been removed from any connection to his money are ringing alarm bells. (I realise now that he has set up new savings accounts which I know nothing about- balances /banks, and I also realise has arranged for his new salary to be paid into some other account(not our joint).
I am drained by 12years looking after an emotionally remote, depressed, alcohol(and sometimes porn) dependant partner. I feel like there is a large hole in the bottom of his soul and all the emotional support I have poured into him over the years has simply spilled straight out the bottom. He appears not to have thought much at all about the impact on the children to have them and I all believing everything ok and then suddenly this..

not coping well today. I have been trying to sort of pretend its not happening. But it's only day 3. My daughter is distraught, and I am having to be strong and try not to break down in front of her.
Monday I went to work, he bombarded me with texts asking if I wanted to go to lunch. It pissed me off so much that he is such an arse that he thinks he could do that and then we would go and 'do lunch' together?
He's done so much hurt, but is totally focussed on the financial side. I don't know about OWen - i can think of a few candidates he might like to pursue but think it unlikely that he's actually involved yet. He was in NY - I know because he skyped me and I could see the skyline. He says he made up his mind before he went to 'try out' being on his own. The thing is it was already incredibly difficult and worrying for me just with him away- managing my job(extremely busy and stressful at the start of the year) and the kids, and also we have a guest visiting- a young musician whom I offered a free room to for 3 months while she practices and has lessons with a teacher in london.
I had a feeling the business trip was off somehow, he was disconnected from the worries i had about him being away and really didn't seem to get how truly worried I was about coping. He skyped and emailed whilst away right up until the last week at the end when there was no contact for a few days- which he has said was while he was working out the alimony and writing his email. About half way through the trip he was noticeably not bothered about talking to me but urgently wanted to talk to the kids every day and got pissed off at me one night when I put them to bed before he could.
I have been feeling like there is no question I could ask that would make a difference, but last night I asked what was the trigger- I thought we'd had a lovely christmas , a little holiday away as a family(with hot sex for the first time in ages) and a nice new year with friends. He agreed about xmas and the holiday but said new year wasn't so good for him and too much alcohol. On NYE I remember telling him that my resolution for the year was to focus on being happy - now he has a new job right around the corner from where I work he and I could have lunch, do couple stuff, I could spend a bit of money on myself etc we could enjoy life a bit more. My only explanation is that he's just always held on to his resentments from early in our marriage, he's always been depressive. He gets in regular cycles of being down and then ends up drinking lots, and going on the internet looking at P*. He hasnt been a total shit, he's just emotionally remote all the time.
While he was away I sent him an email where i asked him to say nice things to me. I realised that with my friends and I we compliment each other, back each other up, tell each other if we're looking good etc. He's really never done that. We had a few slightly fraught conversations on skype as I was unbelievably stressed and a bit desperate for some reassurance, which he was steadfastly not giving. (of course, because he was distancing himself)
Do normal people give their marriages 'a year to get better' and not tell their spouse? He's done it 3 times now apparently, and the 3 weeks away was a sort of short version of the same. It feels incredibly painful to know that he's been doing that while Im unaware, and of course the way it goes is he does everything the same, so it's up to me to change for him otherwise of course it's not going to get better- which is why he can rationalise that it's my fault.
In my heart with all the grief and fear i'm feeling is also the knowledge that I don't really now want to be with him. My parents had a divorce which devastated my mother and I never really felt I'd ever marry- he charmed me into it with his (at the time) openness about his feelings and enthusiastic pursual of me. I'm totally broken having been through this with him before. I know exactly that I could never change enough for him- we could only ever have lasted if he were able to deal with the issues which prevented him demonstrating love. And I also recognise that we have been in a cycle of me trying to hard, not getting what i want and occasionally getting all 'give me affection, do you love me, etc etc...
On top of everything else- he emailed his entire family cc'ing me the other day in the message giving them my email address and to tell them we're divorcing. Now they are all emailing me. I told him I thought that was cruel and he was completely surprised.
I'm ashamed to admit there's a tiny corner of my head which still thinks 'maybe he'll realise it's a huge mistake?' but i know thats really not true. It hurts so much to admit to myself that actually it was me who would not listen to the signs he was sending. When someone who is supposed to love you won't have sex with you, or will drink and go out with single mates on the pull, will flirt with your friends' attractive friends, will say nice things to other women but not you, will register on a community website and have 70 private connections, many of whom are attractive young women whom you have never met and whom he appears not to have been on threads with, when they buy you a scented candle and the type of perfume you hate for christmas saying that they will take you shopping for a present but didn't have time/know what to get, when you share few interests, when you know that they aren't really that happy with your physical appearance because they tell you that it's your fault you don't have better self esteem and could therefore lose weight. .... you know I am a grown up. I am (usually) not that dumb. He could have tattoed it on my head and it couldn't be clearer.
Doesn't mean I don't feel utterly devastated.

It's understandable that you buried the signs if he was telling you something different, but your story shows as ever that actions speak louder than words. And some of his actions were misleading in truth, weren't they? I don't think it's going to help you right now if you start beating up yourself for being in denial because the fact is that your husband led you to believe one thing and took the most cowardly way imaginable, to tell you another.

Now that you've posted about his 'fishing expeditions' with other women, it seems more obvious than ever that something has already happened with someone. It might not be just one person though, given what you've said. I think it's also very likely that something happened with someone part way into the business trip, hence the 'change' in him halfway through.

You really do need to see a solicitor and to put some boundaries in now. He's said his piece and that should be the last time you discuss what went wrong. What he's telling you is of no value anyway because he is lying. Your communications from now on should be about the children, the divorce and the division of assets and I'd suggest you do this through a third party, for a very good reason.

You've neatly described the concept of pursuer (you) and distancer (him) and what often happens is the roles get switched. I think this man has been getting off on your neediness and his withdrawal. So if you withdraw, he will start pursuing. You will need a strong head on you to resist when he starts reversing the tactics, which is why it's often best to have contact only through solicitors or a third party.

Sparkle, Hatty, I think it is the pursuer/distancer thing too. Peterfox.au describes it well.

I have been there myself. And I think it is common with this kind of man, who affect openness in the 'courting' stage, but don't really have it in them naturally.

Also, I do agree that a 180 degree turn- ie where you stop pursuing him and do the opposite of what he expects, may well bring him round. It did for me, as I really meant it. However, be careful if you decide to pursue such an approach and then get him back, that you try to think about how you would feel afterwards- it is good to identify and get rid of our own over neediness, but we are still left with someone who only started to look at their issues within themselves ie not just blaming the marriage) when we have had to do so first.

Hope this makes sense. Your h does sound insensitive and selfish, and clearly has crap communication skills if nothing else. He couldn't have indicated more clearly that he hasn't taken you into account- it is all about him. No wonder you have been needy, I bet you weren't when you met him, he has messed with your self of self esteem.

And dont they just always bolster their own confidence by mass fishing in the OW pool, one way or another. That does not sound at all innocent.

Sparkle, I am angry on your behalf. Regardless of there perhaps being signs that this relationship wasn't going well, at what point did he decide to make the rules, play the game, win the game... but not tell you what the rules or the game were?

He has been unbelievably callous in his actions over the last week or so - the declaration to you that its over, the financial arrangements and the devastating email to friends and family. Did he think that he had some sort of business relationship with you? - I don't even think he would treat a colleague or client the way he has treated you. It would be unprofessional. Behaving like this towards your wife is unforgiveable. You are the mother of his children and the very least he could have done would be to have afforded you the dignity of a face to face discussion.

So the fact that he has shown zero respect for you or his DCs should have the red flags flapping around in front of your face. It looks as though he has already got his eye on/got involved with OW. His detatchment is classic, you have almost become irrelevant - thats how he's treating you. But you are not! You have rights here and you do not need to take any of his crap.

He is self absorbed - he took time out to assess his life???? While you were juggling your home life of DCs, work etc... showing the strain of day to day family life which he chose to ignore. He's happy to leave his precious DCs with you, but is wicked enough to drain your access to resources to look after them. Please see how utterly selfish he is - its all about him.

Your first port of call must be a solicitor. Even just to take some of the stress of all of this away. I agree that you should only communicate about the DCs. He's got his own spin worked out about your relationship so don't expect him to make any revelations about being wrong. Also, please go at YOUR speed, not his. If you need to take time to sort things out before communicating with him, then do. He doesn't decided the pace of this.

As for his email to all and sundry - its NONE of their business. You have every right to bat people away at the moment. 'No comment' should be your position until you are ready to speak to people. They don't have a right to know anything.

Take care of your self.

He definitely has someone else, lock him out of your house and financially. Play like he's your enemy because in a couple of months that's exactly what he'll be.

Cut him out of your life asap. Put money aside and find out the legalities of him having separate accounts. Any guilt monies he offers you accept but do not bank.

OP I've read your posts again, try to see this episode as relief.

I really hope that in a few year's time you will realise that your life is SO much better.

There were a few alarming things in your post: why should you change? Why should you try?

He is a narcissist, sorry.

I think he has written a script, and when you stop playing your part he will get all "hurt and confused". This includes being able to be "friends" ight away, and have nice friendly lunches. You leting him access the kids whenever he feels like it, but also of course dealing with all the messy awkward stuff of day to day life. And fnally and crucially, you accepting what amount of money he feels he can afford to give you and the kids.

So please don't play his game, but get yourself a great solicitor.
Have you told the kids schools yet? Maybe they can suggest someone your DD can go to to talk, and express her feelings?

Good luck!

mummytime I think you are right with the script idea. He really is in parallel reality at the moment. Has just turned up(because I requested) to mind the children while I go out to a running club appointment and he's there as though this is still how it will be- me cooking , sorting him out dinner all that. Also, he can't stop himself trying to use my support the way he's used to. In some ways he's quite dependant- used to asking me things and having me find out. (which I guess worked for me too as made me feel useful and competant). Today he emailed to ask how much he should be paying for legal advice, and did I mind telling him how much I was paying?
It was surprising. I don't know - in some ways I really think his expectation is that we march straight into a relationship which is essentially a friendship where he has no commitment and gets to live elsewhere and be free.
I looked up the pursuer attacker thing mentioned above. It came up in our counselling actually. I felt really hemmed in by being the 'attacker' and by his insistence that he could never do anything and it was always my fault because I was always so competent and he felt he never got anything right. The counsellor described it as him needing to feel 'potent'. I really listened, backed off, gave him more space and tried to make more positive patterns. In the end though I believe he did not really buy into wanting to change because he could not forgive me for 'not being the sexual person he thought I would be' . It's a wound too big for him to overcome as sex was incredibly important to him - and he is ever more despondent about his lack of drive/potency now which links back into blaming me for wasted years/loss.
It would not surprise me to find that a desire to try out his potency literacy with other people and regain his lost prowess is a factor.

Is there anywhere else he could take the children whilst they are in his care? The hotel he is staying in, family, McD's? He cannot be permitted to breeze back into your home and assume his comfortable old role as and when it suits him to.

Ignore his needy emails. He has shit on you from a great height, the last thing you owe him currently is support, friendship, guidance - even civility really.

sparklereach, 4 1/2 years ago I was in your shoes. Ex-h, away on training for work - his third trip in as many months, me thinking everything is ok after a long period of it being not.

He called to say when he returned he was moving out as he couldn't handle the responsibility any more. For a few weeks I couldn't really accept it, couldn't understand what had happened. The trips away were him going of with the OW, he moved in with a friend, only it was her. He made up so many lies I thought I was going crazy and then I realised everything we'd had was a lie and what a fool I'd been.

He left a huge debt, ruined my credit rating forever and financially crippling me for a long while. Best is he used my credit card, without me knowing, to pay for his trips away with the OW. She got pregnant within months. She supports him as, until a few months ago, he didn't work as he felt that he shouldn't have to pay the CSA.

I have had no maintenence, I have been alone since then. But guess what, you will survive this. It feels insurmountable just now but please believe me when I say, he's just done you a massive favour. The next few weeks are going to be tough, really tough, but you will come out the other side and no longer will you have his "quirks" to deal with and that comes with a feeling of relief like you have never known.

Your priority now is you and your dcs. Get a lawyer, get it sorted quickly and get your lives on to this new path. My dts are now 10 and they are doing really well. Ex-h is in contact rarely, he is still with the OW, she is still keeping him - kind of like a stud horse as she's now had two children by him and is trying to get pregnant again. She is more than welcome to him as he will do the same to her, I have no doubt she has been lied to as well however as someone famous once said, if he marries his mistress there is a vacancy left.

Sparklerach

I'm so terrible sorry for all that you are dealing with at the moment and that the man you married has turned into a cruel, cowardly creep.

I am supposed to be doing something else now but was so so so livid on your behalf, I had to stop to post.

I can't believe it but I feel like I have lived your life before you (just one year in advance). I will pm you as the details will out me but there is no doubt in my mind that he has an ow and probably has done for sometime. When my DH left 'because we weren't compatible' and wanted to be best friends, was around all the time and still depended on me for all kinds of support, I thought there was no way he had an OW (even though the lovely ladies on here did give me a heads up!).

This is what you need to do. Search for evidence (his mobile bills are the best bet but card statements good also). Ideally confront him when you have evidence (he will deny anyway). Although even if you can't prove OW, I would still do the following.

Ask to meet him for a chat out (pub or somewhere), for your own self esteem pick somewhere nice and turn up looking your best. Be calm, cold, aloof and contemptuous.

Say that given his behaviour in recent times and most particularly the way he has dealt with leaving (email, being away, changing bank details, lack of consideration for the children etc) means that (amend to suit):-

He is not the man you thought he was
He is weak and cowardly
His behaviour has been appalling for some time but this takes the biscuit
It was his responsibility (jointly) to make your marriage work and create a family for your children
He was certainly not the perfect husband but you didn't give up on him/your marriage at the first sign of difficulty
He is not your friend, as you wouldn't dream of being friends with someone like that
You are not interested in reconciliation and you have no interest in being married to a man who would act like that

You have no intention of being 'friends' with him (although you hope in time to be friendly for the children's sake)
You need time to recover from the breakdown of your marriage
You will not be his friend or support system any more (he lost that when he treated his friend like dirt)
You will only speak to him regarding the children/practicalities and email/text is better for the first while
He left your family home and it is now not his home. He needs to give the keys back.
You will hand the children over to him at the doorstep (even better if you can arrange for someone else to do so)
Even if he doesn't have a place to bring them he needs to take them out for his weekend contact.
He can see them/do bed time one evening a week (I suggest you go out this time - even if only for a run/swim or I sometimes went for a pizza/glass of wine with a magazine) - this is to enable you to recover from the shock and not punish him.

You are justified in doing this as he left your marriage and family home without discussing his unhappiness/counciling etc. You need to take control back.

Whatever happens, this will allow you to keep your dignity. If he has an OW, you will be so glad you didn't allow yourself to be treated badly for longer. This might shock him out of his little fantasy. He will not be expecting it. If he has no intention of coming back, it will help you to deal with it so much better by detaching from him and not subjecting yourself to his company (it's impossible to get over a relationship when you constantly see, are drawn in by someone).

PM me any time. I know it feels like hell now and probably physically painful but I promise you, it will get better and you will get through this. Just take it hour by hour. You need to find some coping techniques fast regarding, putting thoughts in a locked box and refusing to go there (sounds impossible I know but you will manage).

You are in my thoughts. X

PS all the awful things he has been saying about you and your relationship are fabricated or at least highly exaggerated to allow him to justify what he is doing.

To any of his questions or emails (asking you about how much to pay to divorce you would be funny if it wasnt so bloody tragic :( ) reply:

"Given that you are divorcing me, itt wouldnt be approriate for me to answer that. You should seek independent advice." and KEEP SAYING IT.

He will keep relying on you for aslong as you let him. My DHs grandparents divorced over 50 years ago. But they carried on living together because GD was so useless that GM didnt feel she could leave him to it, and they are still living together today! Dont be that woman, free in name but not in deed.

He needs telling that he cant just breeze back in expecting a meal on the table as if nothing has happened. Make sure all discussions about his access are centred around him taking them somewhere else. Dont ask "Will you please take them to your place" put the assumption in the sentence. "So you want to see them every other weekend and twice in the week? OK you can pick them up at 6pm on Friday and drop them back at 6pm on Sunday" etc. Dont let him lay down the law now, otherwise you will find it very hard to change the status quo later on.

Don't let him see the children in the house OP, whatever you do. He will invade your privacy if you go out and the children need to understand that life has changed and he doesn't live there anymore.

Sparklerach - I really feel for you and have only seen this thread several days in. Please, please get legal advice as soon as possible. This man is trying to control the situation: don't let him. He is being completely unfair and trying to manipulate the situation in his favour. Change the locks and tell him to leave you alone while you come to terms with things.

Please don't waste your time and energy on worrying about who he copies in to his emails or whether there is an OW. It's not constructive and you'll end up beating yourself up about it.

Concentrate your efforts on making sure you and your family are protected financially as other posters have advised. He already has a head start - don't give him any more time to do as he pleases and don't make any hasty decisions. He wants you to be compliant because he obviously has a lot to lose.

Apart from anything else, you need space away from him to think things through.

After the way he's behaved, I wouldn't trust him an inch.

I am sorry you are going through this.

Thanks for all your support.. I still am not convinced there's an OW.. but for me I really feel it's irrelevant. I bow down to the collective greater wisdom but for the moment have no evidence in behaviour or otherwise to indicate it.
I've contacted a divorce lawyer recommended by a friend who has a top lawyer H and 'knows people' in the biz. He's scary expensive, but hopefully will cut to the chase and sort it out. Tomorrow I speak to the main lawyer properly. I had a real heart starter scare this afternoon when I called and they did an initial chat through with me- I told them he has sent me calculations and told me he would be depositing money in my account on that basis. . Nearly had a heart attack as lawyers said to avoid any potential of him being able to claim we had already come to an agreement verbally I should try and stop him making the payment, and then realised he had already done it... All ended well however as I was instructed to simply send him an email formally clarifying that I didn't regard any settlement to have been made etc etc...

well done for calling scary expensive law folk sounds like they did great already in regards to the first "payment"
Reading your op and subsequent posts my heart was breaking for you. He sounds like a completely self absorbed twunty face and you and your dcs deserve to be treated with far more respect, love, compassion and fairness then he is doing. Why on earth these people want to "hide" money from their children and wifes is beyond me..it makes no sense.

I think everyone has given great advice re finances/legal stuff and I'm sorry I can't offer anything except a supportive post for you... He has been a snake taking papers etc..don't trust him. You sound like a hugely capable and strong woman. You will get through this and come out stronger, happier and healthier for it! will be watching your thread and hoping you get everything you need to make life comfortable for you and dcs :) stay strong xx

He has seen a lawyer already, I would put money on it.

I am bloody sure that he wouldnt try to get you into a corner about verbal agreements and forcing payments onto you without advice about how it would work in his favour.

The more this man does the more I think he is a pus filled boiled on the anus of humanity, vile vile piece of shit

Good on you for getting shit hot legals OP, yes they are expensive but they will be worth every penny. He is going to regret this days work very soon. And it couldnt happen to a nicer person.

Oh yes, he will have already seen a lawyer. That's why he took all the paperwork from the house and reset the passwords (OP, trust me, banks do not reset passwords).

I think he was relying on you to be in such a shocked and confused state that he thought he could bully you into accepting anything OP.

Your mission now is to prove him wrong and let him rue the day he ever under-estimated you.

So sorry for all that is happening. He is only asking how much you pay your lawyer because he is trying to find out whether you have hired one at all. Play it cool and absolutely respond to any queries with the PP's suggestion - "Since you are divorcing me, I think you should get independent advice." Don't give him any information beyond that related to your kids. If he asked you to lunch, ask him if it would be possible in a few weeks when the shock of it all is less raw (even if it isn't, it is to your benefit to give him the impression that you can see yourself moving on whilst still letting him know that you are cut up about it right now). Be civil and throw yourself into your new job, it will help to take your mind off things.

Sparkle I'd withdraw the monies as well and if he tries to bring it up in court as part of the settlement to simply say the money was spent on day to day expenditure and not part of any settlement as far as you were concerned. Ex also tried this, he handed a wad of cash to a 'family friend' to pass to me and they swore in court I had recieved it, I told the court I had spent it on daily expenses and I had not agreed to any settleemnt regarding ancillary relief. This was accepted, especially as he had withdrawn every last penny form the joint accounts leaving me penniless.

Keep the money.

he has already seen a lawyer, and there is OW. She will emerge I assure you.

No man, and especially a dependent needy one as you describes, leaves 'to find themselves'.

Put a tracker on his car, or get a friend to follow him. She will be at the end of the journey.

I totally agree with what abitwobby said, sorry OP.

I think at the moment you are not ready to deal with an even higher level of betrayal yet.

"Do normal people give their marriages 'a year to get better' and not tell their spouse?"

NO NO NO NO NOOOOOOO.....

Saly This puts my DH in the same category. Says he has been unhappy for years but thought it best to keep quiet... And then 'turned off his feelings' a year ago without saying anything.....

I rally feel for you ((((hugs))))