Hi again.
I've now ready the whole thread and would really like to be a part of the bus. If it's ok, I'd like to just tell you how I got here:
My Dad was an alcoholic. He died early of cirrhosis.
I began drinking socially (regularly) when I was about sixteen but really got stuck in when I went to university when I drank most days. I was so lonely and unhappy inside, and the bar was a place where I could pretend otherwise.
I met my husband to be and we moved in together and most nights, after work, we?d have a little dinner party for two, complete with wine.
I had to reign things in throughout my pregnancies ? I necked vast volumes of very low alcohol lager and tried to restrict myself to two glasses of wine, a couple of times a week.
My kids are now teenagers and I have been drinking around a half a bottle of wine most nights and probably over a bottle each Friday and Saturday for many years.
In the last year, I?ve had three difficult situations to deal with and my drinking has escalated to between three-quarters and a bottle of wine most nights and a bit more than that on a weekend.
I been concerned about my drinking for ages ? I?ve known I?ve got a problem - but have lied to myself that I?m not an alcoholic because I don?t drink during the day and I only drink wine, and ?all of my friends do the same? (some do, actually most don?t). I once even went to an AA meeting, years ago, but I came home and opened a bottle of wine. I don?t think I?ve ever been longer than about three days without a drink, ever. Until now.
A couple of weeks ago, a couple of things that I?d been worrying about worked out well. I decided that the time had come to stop making excuses to myself about ?poor me, it's so hard and it?s not a good time for me to think about stopping drinking?. I decided that I actually really did want to stop drinking. I?m so frightened that it?ll kill me like it did my Dad and I'm ashamed that I'm a terrible role model for my kids around alcohol. I?m so desperately worried about my liver and frightened that I will already have caused damage.
I knowingly had my last wine-soaked evening last Friday and woke up on Saturday morning resolving that today was the day. It was a relief, actually.
I actually can?t quite believe that I am able to say that today is day ten but it's true! This would have been quite literally unimaginable for me before now.
The weirdest thing is that I have not (yet ? famous last words) found it difficult. I have loved being sober, loved sleeping better, loved having some comfort that I am arresting any damage that has already been done to my poor liver, loved feeling calmer.
I have no desire to go back to that desperate hell of looking at the clock from five o?clock waiting until it?s six (make that nearly six) so that I can open a bottle and make a start on scoffing down as many glasses as I can as quickly as I can.
I feel I have been locked in the grip of a dark habit but in these last ten days, necking booze seems to have lost its magical appeal for me. It had become something I did because ?that?s what I do? and, stupid as it sounds, I didn?t really feel that I had a choice.
I don?t want to be that person anymore. I want to be sober and to embrace my life.
Clearly it?s early days for me. Thanks for allowing me to tell my story. Reading this thread has thrown up so many things for me but I won't hog your screens any longer.
Thanks for having me. Sending you all best wishes.