"But We Took You To Stately Homes!" - Survivors of Dysfunctional Families.

[singingprincess]

There is a word document with all the relevant links which I will try and find, but in the meantime...Post away.

Can I join you all. But it's dh mum and not mine that is toxic.
I feel bad as she is clearly a very unwell woman but I need your reassurance that we can cut her out.
It's quite a long story but will try and be to the point.
When I met dh his parents were moving 5 hours away. Dh stayed here with me and his brother (half brother) stayed nearby too. His brother got himself into trouble and moved nearer them.
When me and dh went to get birth certificate for him so we could get married aboard we discovered his parents had lied. His dad wasn't his dad and he had adopted him aged five. They refused to answer any questions about dh real father. They blammed me for dh finding out. We had children but they never made the effort do often travelled five hours to see them with young child.
We then made a choice to join a religion they didn't agree with. They went crazy, yelled abuse down the phone, sent nasty letters, made late night silent calls and finally sent every photo of us and the children back with letter saying we weren't welcome ect. All was lovely and quiet for a few years until dh got cancer. He asks me to call them, which of course I did. They took a week to get here, spent one day here and we haven't seen them since.

However, his mum had fb. She gave me so much hassle about not adding her I deleted my account.
She has been very abusive to dh the last week, saying he didn't list he right on family tree, by is he so nasty, ect.
He sent a message saying; please stop saying these things they make me very upset. She has then been abusive saying; how dare you tell me what to do, I haven't done anything ect.

Now she has deleted him off her friends list. I have suggested dh closes his account and signs one up under a different name. However she has now friend requested him!!

I really think this is sending the wrong message to our girls about behaviour and I have had enough an want to cut them off now. Dh doesn't know what to do.

Thank you if you got to the end
Any advice would be great

Lisa from another thread I understand a lot about your life and I will thinks hard. And get back to you. I'd appreciate it if you read my last comment ant thought aboutnitntoo. I don't think there are that many on here placed as well as youth understand wha GI am saying.
Even pissed.
Thank you.

Rhona, I'm so sorry to read about your mums behaviour. Just goes to show that even god can't make us all nice people

Please don't feel guilty or bad, she clearly thinks she was doing the right thing and won't accept that she might have been wrong and her behaviour now still is.

So for the first time I can remember I didn't contact my mum in any way yesterday. And I'm feeling good about it really, just now waiting to see what her retaliation will be, because there will definitely be some. Her drama queen side won't be able to ignore it without trying to stir up some attention bringing (for her) trouble for me. Sigh .........

i quite enjoyed not having to worry about her at all yesterday but I know its doomed my relationship with other relatives ... when I cut her off I did so with a phone call informing her that her actions this time had been unacceptable, that there was no way back after she had refused to believe any of what Id confided in her about my AP. and I knew it could go two ways - either she'd play the victim and not contact me or she'd go the other way and bombard me with calls. and I still haven't heard anything and as soon as I realised it was coming up to M. Day I realised why: i can guarantee that she will now be spreading the story that "Twinkle ran off again, she's had a breakdown, she's beyond help this time. she actually told me she never wants to speak to me again and didn't even call on M. Day!" poor me, Im the victim, pity me, I am your MOTHER etc etc.

Its not worth the hassle of worrying about ... I had a lovely day with my DD, I refused to think about her. Now we shall see if she does the spite thing and doesn't try and get in contact or send a card for DDs 1st birthday on 16th April. im not holding out much hope. and any presents will be stuck straight back in the post. It'll be a lot easier once we've moved and she can't send or not send anything iyswim.

Hello all. I hope everyone is well and yesterday wasn't too hard for some.

I've now hit 10 weeks pregnancy. Suffering really badly with morning sickness, but happy otherwise. For those that don't know, I've been dealing with my mother through mediation. I'm being forced to allow my mother to have DD at hers which I haven't allowed for the past year. My mother doesn't know I'm pregnant, as I refuse to tell her. I don't want her to know. I don't want her to have anything to do with this baby nor DD.

On Saturday mediation rang, but I didn't answer as I wasn't in the mood to deal with it. Yesterday morning my mother texted me saying "happy mother's day. If you ever need me, I'm always here for you xx" Bollocks. Last time I saw my mother at mediation, she was making out I was a liar and lying her way through stuff (no surprises there). She is so two faced and so false. My DP is livid.

Anyway, I rang mediation back as I was curious as to why my mother was suddenly trying to be all nice. Turns out she had called mediator to say the date that we had scheduled wasn't good for her so she wanted to do another date. Mediator wasn't happy as she said she's not the messenger between us, mediation is suppose to try and "fix" the communication problems between me and my mother in terms of contact with DD (pfft).

I also saw my father last week. I rarely see him and he called me out the blue asking if he could visit (he never does this so I was immediately worried something terrible had happened). He turned up with his DP who I hadn't seen in 13 years, and tells me they're getting married and want me to come. Unfortunately their planned date fell 5 days after my due date, so I told him I was pregnant. He's happy for me and DP. I told him not to say anything to anyone else. He promised not to (though I don't always believe his word). He also mentioned he knew of the stuff that's been going on between me and mother and he needs to talk to me about it at some point. 1) I can't see that conversation happening, and 2) if it did, I'll tell him straight exactly what's been going on! He's rarely been in my life, doesn't know the crap I went through in my childhood thanks to her, so he has no right to stick up with her. But like I said, I doubt that conversation will happen as he's not exactly reliable or paternal.

when I cut her off I did so with a phone call informing her that her actions this time had been unacceptable, that there was no way back after she had refused to believe any of what Id confided in her about my AP. and I knew it could go two ways - either she'd play the victim and not contact me or she'd go the other way and bombard me with calls. and I still haven't heard anything and as soon as I realised it was coming up to M. Day I realised why: i can guarantee that she will now be spreading the story that "Twinkle ran off again, she's had a breakdown, she's beyond help this time. she actually told me she never wants to speak to me again and didn't even call on M. Day!" poor me, Im the victim, pity me, I am your MOTHER etc etc.

We need an acronym for "I could have written that" for this thread

You sound so strong in that post, Twinkle. You have a lot to be proud of.

Hotdamn I have had enough of being weak, of being trodden down by poisonous and self serving people. I am 21, Ive spent all my life being manipulated first by my mother and then my AP. I will not allow anyone to manipulate me again. Ive got my life to live and for DDs sake I need to find the strength to put the past behind me and embrace that future. I am proud of myself

Id suggest ditto but it sounds a bit 90s .... ICHWT - except that reads in my head as "itch wet" which is strange and confusing!!

Hello, not posted before. Just had yet another vile visit from my mother and feel trapped and helpless, I am hoping I can get my head together and find a way forward through this as it feels unbearable. I will order toxic parents.

I'm 40, 2 DCs, loving marriage of 19 years. I had an older brother but he killed himself 10 years ago. My Dad has been absent and unable to keep up normal contact and I haven't seen him since the funeral of my brother. My mum and dad had a hideous marriage which finally fell apart when I was 18. My mum is remarried to a man who doesn't really want to be a part of my life. I feel trapped because despite the fact my mother seems to be irritated by everything I do and say and pays no interest in her grandchildren I feel responsible for her because I am all she has. Since having the children our relationship has gone from bad to worse with her appearing jealous of the time I spend on my family. I am feeling more and more affected by our relationship as I am realising how damaged my childhood was compared to how I feel for my own children. My mother is openly dismissive of my husband, she ignores the kids and shows no pleasure in them. She lives a 7 hour journey away which means when she comes to stay it is for days at a time and she does nothing to help. I am a bed and breakfast for her shopping trips but she gets annoyed that we have to work around the kids now.

This week has been particularly horrible and I actually wished her dead and felt hatred which I've not felt quite so intensely before. Her reactions to everyday situations are extreme and border on tantrums. I made a misjudgment on Friday as to how long it would take us to get somewhere, having got the kids ready, breakfast and walked them to school I had not allowed enough time to get the train and also had to pop back to get my ticket which I'd forgotton (lack of sleep was to blame) My mother had paid for tickets to something starting at 10am and we sat on the train at 9.20am...I realised time was tight and my mother was furious beyond extreme. I apologised and her reaction was to seeth 'oh don't start'. She fumed all the way making feel sick with worry as to what the day would hold. I tried to entertain my 2.5 year old who was affected by the atmosphere. I ended up getting a black cab and we made it there in the nick of time. BUT. The rest of the day and visit were spoiled. She ignored me most of the time and I felt awful. I realise that this is her problem and I tell myself all the time that its her not me, but it doesn't help so much when she's sucking the life from me. I have massively lost confidence these past 5 years and am definately finding it harder to feel good about myself.

I have tried in the past to confront her but she is vile and nasty and I can't cope with the stress having lived a loving and peaceful life since leaving home. She refuses to acknowledge situations and I am told I am being ridiculous...its like trying to argue with insanity.

Tyniclogs - that kind of undermining and your rising anxiety is what I feel with my family all the time. It makes me feel crazy. The thing is that if your mother is anything like my dad you can argue yourself blue in the face - they will never ever see your point of view. I believe that my F has a personality disorder - if not something clinical then close to. He is not normal, my interactions with him are not the way they are with normal people. We dont have an ordinary relationship like two human beings. Often he makes me feel bad. Alos I have been trained throughout my childhood to react to him in a particular way so I get into behaviours that make me very stressed and anxious (eg: I am constantly on stand by waiting to anticipate his needs) Your mother is an adult its not your job to get her to places on time, its not for her to fume like that when you dont.

I found the book 'children of the self absorbed' very helpful in terms of finding ways to heal from and deal with this insidious low level emotional abuse.

PS: I find it shocking that your mother ignores your children. Its terribly painful to see what was done to you being done to someone else. My F did this to my daughter and I found within me the power to finally say no. I went through that, I will make sure she doesn't have to.

Sorry you have had a tough time.

Also dont let yourself be blackmailed by the 'all she has' argument. If your M is so dependent on you she can be a bit nicer. Its not duress to expect her to engage with your children and not ignore your husband while she is in your house. The book I mentioned deals with the issue of dependent parents too.

Ugh and next time she comes to stay tell her to get a flexible ticket and if she behaves badly she will have to go home early

Thanks First. A lot of what you say rings true. My father definately has a personality disorder and as you say just doesn't behave like a normal person. Its been a lot easier to cut him completely from my life as he just comes out with completly outrageous behaviours which I can't have around the children. My mum is much more subtle but no less damaged and damaging. I know I am frightened of her and its this fear that stops me from really losing it with her, but I also know I hold all the cards.

I am frightened of hurting her as I know a lot of her problems stem from how she's been treated by her own mother and my dad. She admits she doesn't like herself (which is at least something!) She fails to see however how her behaviour causes problems for everyone around her. The lack of responsibility is definately a big issue now I have children, she expects me to organise everything and I just find it all too much at times. I have tried asking her to get more involved as she's made comments about not knowing what to do in the past...but it's very short lived. How hard is it to realise that laughing when your grandchildren are screaming and your daughter is trying to retune the tv, make dinner and clean up breakfast plates isn't the best response?

We used to have an awful relationship when I was younger, I left home and it got better when my brother was ill for around 10 years, she talked much more to me and I felt things were getting better. After he died things plummeted and I thought it would get better again in time. Having children really killed it though. I had PND after both children and lots of complications with both births which I put down to the lack of support. An example of her behaviour is: When we arrived home from the birth of DS number 2 and our oldest wanted to watch Cbeebies, mum was at home watching the tennis, she refused to put the tv on for him and didn't even come and look at the baby, she left the next day which had been earlier than planned and couldn't wait to leave (I'd had a C section and was feeling pretty battered). Its just not a normal reaction and it breaks my heart for my children.

I think I need to do a bit of reading. It helps to read that these reactions aren't normal as having been brought up this way you have to relearn it all. I'm scared stiff of making the same mistakes of my mother but also wary of over compensating!

I feel responsible for her

Tyniclogs: if you can change that belief of yours, then the rest will follow.

You're right...I know. I need to let her go, it feels like another unatural berevement to add to that of my dad and my brother. I just keep thinking there must be hope, she's making herself so unhappy.

It's a very hard thing to do, Tyniclogs. Precisely for the reasons you list. Give yourself time and a lot of slack!

I just wanted to add that I feel there has been a shift in me over the past 24 hours. It feels really weird (but quite exciting!) I don't have the same feelings I've had after past visits from my mother and I've been reading up on personality disorders. It definately helps to read other peoples experiences and see just how twisted my mothers reactions to life have become. I am realising just how much my attempts to please her have had on my own life and sense of self and I realise also that I mustn't continue. I feel a sense of calm having decided not to do anything. I can't make the situation any better but I also know I can't cut her off. I am going to attempt to manage her behaviour by not becoming emotionaly involved in it. I feel relieved to have realised that confrontation will not help and that I don't have to take responsibility for her unhappiness anymore. I know it won't be easy as I'm not made of stone and am thinking talking to a counsellor may help, but it feels good to have more of idea of whats going on instead of blaming myself.

Mil threatened dh and then deleted him from fb. Next day tried to re add him
He has stayed strong and not added her, blocked all her accounts.
He fully know we now can expect letters and nasty called again

... after my musings on this thread (last on page 4); I found out on Friday that the doctor is giving my Mum 6 months left to live.... which makes dealing with this just that little bit harder.....

Lemony it's always possible, albeit a little bit harder, to deal with the issues left you by a narcissistic parent even after they have passed away.

Decide for yourself how you want to conduct yourself wrt your mother in her final months. There is no right or wrong way. Only that which you feel treats yourself and her with the most respect (as that is the healthy way to conduct any relationship, in any circumstance).

I and others here have found that we are respecting our parents (as individuals responsible for their own actions) when we confront them, or cut them off, because by doing so we hold them responsible for their own actions in an open way, and leave them the option of reacting to it as they see fit.

None of your actions will determine how your mother experiences her last months - only she can determine that. So just choose the actions that you know in your heart of hearts are the right ones.

Hot My sister and I have decided to make the last few months of my Mum's life as easy as we can. There's no point in banging on about stuff when she's so desperately ill. I will call her on her behaviour if she's rude to me or my siblings, though!

My conscience will be clear and as far as things go, I know what has happened and and how she is and will just keep on working on myself throughout the next few months and beyond.

We are in the slightly difficult situation of knowing that my Mum only has a few months to live and that she will not change. We can only hope that her dying is not too painful and scary, we will be there for her.

I hope that makes me a bigger person and sets an example to my mother who just ran in the opposite direction when I was pregnant and my fiance died - when I say "sets an example", I mean that the message will be brought home to her and she will realise what she did.....

It sounds like a very tough time, Lemony, and I have nothing but respect for your choice.

She may never realise or accept what she did, you know that, right?

Yep. I do. Unfortunately.

Sounds tough Lemony, but it also sounds you're doing whats right for you, I know that feeling of wanting a clear conscience. It will be hard at the end and it sounds like you're preparing yourself for how you'll feel.