"But We Took You To Stately Homes!" - Survivors of Dysfunctional Families.

[singingprincess]

There is a word document with all the relevant links which I will try and find, but in the meantime...Post away.

Sorry Lemony it must be tough. I hope you find a good way to deal.
I hvae noticed in myself that I often am trying to do the right thing. I do wonder if this is an ethical/moral stance or a kind of insurance policy. By insurance policy I mean am I trying to be good so that I will be rewarded/not punished (by the universe at large). To some degree the insurance policy thing feels tied into how my parents have damaged me: I am trying to bargain my way through life because rather than feeling I am intrinsically good I am fearful in my actions trying hard to be good because I dont feel good.
I am trying now to stop being good and focus on being authentically me - figure out what I feel (not what someone else feels) and act in accordance with that.

I think that when someone is ill or dying this desire to be good (because its only for a short time) does take over a bit. You may well manage to be good but I could leave you feeling rather blank after.

or even 'it could leave you feeling rather blank'
I dont know thats all too tangential. I mean that you still hvae choices in whetehr or not to engage with your mother and how you do that.

Firsttimer I think you've hit on something that is linked to own of my own observations: that people who have suffered abuse and/or neglect in childhood are among the most idealistic our society has to offer.

This can be a fantastic trait: we need idealists to move society forward.

But in our private lives, it can be a true hobble: hoping against hope that an abuser will change, for example. Hoping that if we are very very good, they will love us.

Hi HotDAMN - and yes I am a human rights campaigner in my work. So predictable!
I am planning to do the exercises in the children of the self-absorbed book. I v much recommend this book - it has a section on dependant parents that might be helpful

Predictable? Valuable!

Hello, sporadic poster in this thread here, hope you'll forgive me for just mowing across all over you to go on about this (this is the only place I know will understand what I'm going on about)

Anyway, potted history of my childhood, ran away from original family at age 8 because of daily beatings, psychological abuse, starvation, threats and on. Couple of psychos my real parents they really were.

Went from birth family to childrens home to a couple of foster homes which didn't work out to my last foster family at age 11.

Stayed with them from age 11 to age 18 when I moved away to come and be an au-pair for a year in this country. Still here to this day because I love it and I would simply wither and die without the wonderful british humour alone :)

Since I came to live here I've only kept in sporadic contact with my last foster family, at this point in time I haven't seen them in 5 years and last spoke to them on the phone on christmas day.

At christmas I agreed to go and visit them in May this year since it's my foster father's 70th birthday.

The thing is that I've realised that I really don't want to go and spend a week with them.

Yes they were better to me than the other sets of parents and carers I had in my childhood but gratitude is just not strong enough any more to make me want to spend time with them.

I've come to realise that I'm just not happy to cripple myself financially (before, during and after the visit if I go) for people that I barely know and who barely know me.

Contact has been so sporadic because it's always been awkward for me to talk to them. Any problems I've had since age 18 that I've made the error of telling them about have been swatted away with 'well, you made your bed, now lie in it' followed by inane chatter about people in their village etc.

When I'm with them I feel judged and critized and revert right back to feeling like a powerless child.

In fact, my first thought after agreeing to the visit was 'christ, better lose some weight and fast' since appearance and especially weight has been a weird marker of success as a human being since I was small in that family.

I know all of this but all of my reasons for not wanting to go and be trapped with all of them (party guests from far and wide, large family etc) feel like pathetic little excuses.

Can't work out why I would suddenly be so worried about what they think of me when I haven't done that since I was about 20.

Am I a horrible ungrateful person for not wanting to make a huge effort travel arrangement and money wise for people who don't know me and have never felt like they wanted to know me?

"Am I a horrible ungrateful person for not wanting to make a huge effort travel arrangement and money wise for people who don't know me and have never felt like they wanted to know me?" No, you're not, Bibi. That does take huge effort, not only in travel and money, but also emotional energy, when you want to get something good from people who can't really be bothered to give it. So don't feel guilty if you don't go.

I'm still reeling from my mother's revelation/drawing me back into her horrible family secret and today's therapy session. More and more I'm starting to see that she is not as child-like and unaware of my emotions as she likes me to think. She lured me into a comfortable place by very correctly describing how I felt as a child. So if she understood this, she also understands how opening up this secret to me (again) is going to impact me and my relationships with our other family members. Considering the possibility that she really is so cruel today gave me emotional flashbacks just now to how cruel I felt her to be when I was a child. I know it's good/necessary to get away from the numbness that is my memory of everything before I left 'home', but I'm scared.

I saw my counsellor yesterday, to try and understand mother's day. How parents could sit in your house making snidey comments about the house, the garden, you, your parenting whilst being waited on fucking hand and foot is beyond me. My counsellor made me realise they are never going to change. She said I've been going to her for three years about my parents and they're still the same, they will never change. They nearly didn't turn up for my wedding, they didn't come to hospital after my traumatic birth and I needed my mum, they rocked up at Xmas and had me skivvying around for them after an emcs. And now, my first mothers day, again, spent running round after them, trying to win their approval.

Having a child has really crystallised for me what shite parents they are. I would never speak about/ to my Ds the way they speak to me. I wouldn't harbour resentment for 30 bloody years because he's a baby and he cries. I wouldn't tell him he's lazy, selfish, spoiled, rude because he didn't jump every time I open my mouth. I wouldn't call him a bitch. I wouldn't hit him. I wouldn't embroil him in my marriage problems. I wouldn't put my dh's wants over and above my Ds' needs over and over again. I wouldn't take the credit for everything good he did or had. I wouldn't tell him he's rubbish and hopeless for everything that didn't go his way. I wouldn't shout at him when he is upset to get him to shut up. I wouldn't always take the position that he is in the wrong and needs to change his behaviour to be better. I wouldn't make passive aggressive digs every time he tried to assert himself.

I look at my ds and I know I would always try and make him happy and put him first. He is his own person with his own wants and needs and personality. He needs me to look after him so he can grow into the amazing person he is capable of being. I can see the little girl inside me and I feel so utterly sad that no one thought that of her.

I've read nearly all the posts and I haven't the words to help or heal anyone, but I'm listening and I believe you and I don't think you're exaggerating or misunderstanding or that you're over sensitive :)

Bibi you are perfectly entitled to change your mind about going. They will doubtless guilt you about your decision, but you do not need to bear that guilt.

Your relationship Bill of rights

And, from what I dimly recall about you have said of your childhood in past threads, I think this family were just as toxic as the ones that went before. So staying away is a very good and healthy thing for you to do.

mei what you're going through is incredibly painful and frightening. You can leave those boxes in your mind unopened until you feel strong and supported enough to open them.

But for your own sake, you will want to open them some day, and not put it off indefinitely, because a past and painful feelings that are confronted and processed can then be put to rest. If left unconfronted, it can keep you from leading a full and happy life, by popping up at random times, or by leading you to act in unhealthy ways without realizing it to random triggers.

I would never speak about/ to my Ds the way they speak to me. I wouldn't harbour resentment for 30 bloody years because he's a baby and he cries. I wouldn't tell him he's lazy, selfish, spoiled, rude because he didn't jump every time I open my mouth. I wouldn't call him a bitch. I wouldn't hit him. I wouldn't embroil him in my marriage problems. I wouldn't put my dh's wants over and above my Ds' needs over and over again. I wouldn't take the credit for everything good he did or had. I wouldn't tell him he's rubbish and hopeless for everything that didn't go his way. I wouldn't shout at him when he is upset to get him to shut up. I wouldn't always take the position that he is in the wrong and needs to change his behaviour to be better. I wouldn't make passive aggressive digs every time he tried to assert himself.

That describes exactly how I feel about my parents. And why I have now cut them off, since my confronting them about it led them to spectacularly demonstrate just how much they are, in fact, unable to change. Unwilling to acknowledge my feelings or respect my person.

I get no pleasure or satisfaction out of knowing that they will grow old and die alone. None. Because I would have preferred it to be otherwise. But I know that I am done with them - for the reasons that you describe, and for the fact that they prefer to wield their usual tools of blame, denial, projection, and martyrdom, rather than respect their own child.

i've decided to stop letting my parents into my life recently, and the first real test was today:

my parents live abroad but are over in the UK for the next week, and wanted to come up and meet DD1 for the first time (she is 14weeks old).

I told them in no uncertain terms -- that they were not welcome. theyhave never been anything but a negative influence in my life, and I don't want them hurting my baby too.

OH is extremely proud of me, whereas my Dad is very upset. This is upsetting me a lot too. OH reminds me it's only because I care about how my decisions affect others, and listed several examples of how my parents don't care about anything except for themselves and what they want.

...How can I feel bad about hurting people who have hurt me so much in the past? It's ridiculous really. Doesn't make it easier though, anyway I just wanted to share.

I'm so glad I found this thread. So much of what is expressed is how I've been feeling and what strikes me (as has been said before) is how considerate everyone is of peoples feelings given the crap they've had to put up with. I've got an appointment with GP next week to ask for referal to counselling, hopefully it'll give me somewhere to make sense of it all. Well done Crestico, be proud of yourself for taking charge.

Goodness - my sister called, we have not spoken since disastrous xmas holiday. I was supposed to call when I felt up to talking. Phonecall was fairly calm, although she was upset. I didnt really know what I wanted until then. I guess I felt I ought to want to be in touch, to build up a relationship. But I actually dont want that right now. I want them to leave me alone so I can focus on my life. I think shes going to...I feel peaceful. Maybe I am numb but I think I feel serene...

I had a look at the panicky post I wrote last week and weirdly it says exactly the smae (I forget things like how I feel what I want a lot). I was all afraid my F would make me engage with him/them when I just dont want to anymore. Its strange to feel the same way towards my S - she is v different to my F, but I just dont want any of this stuff in my life anymore.

Its a v scary thing to do. So to all of you posting - I am sending you the strength and courage to be yourselves - whoever that is in the end.

Oh no, now the phone calls have started :(

Lisa

It is more than OK to cut such toxic people off. You can report them for harrassment.

Would block their number from your phoneline.

If you have not already, show DH the links at the beginning of this thread.

lisa

you don't have to answer the phone.

I unplugged mine from the wall socket.

hotdamn I'm sorry that you have had a similar experience to me. You're very brave cutting contact. Me and dh have decided to go limited contact and possibly emigrate :)

we had caller id put in because of them last time. We went out and have come back to a number of answer machine messages :(
DH is worried as its very clear his mum has some serious MH problems, which she wont seek help for. he feels guilty :(

Hi all, long time lurker, occasional poster. Interesting to see that Mother's Day was difficult for lots of us! I stood in the card shop looking at all the lovely messages 'best mum in the world', 'always been there for me', 'love you so much' and wanted to burst into tears. I would dearly love, with all my heart, to be able to buy one of those cards and really mean it. I wish so much that I had a healthy relationship with my mum. Instead, I just went with one that said 'have a lovely day'. That's as far as I want to go. I was going to phone on Mother's Day (I live in a different country to my parents) but couldn't be doing with it, so just texted instead. I'm slowly getting better at drawing boundaries and not feeling obligated to do stuff just because they expect me to. Good God, it's so hard and so painful though

"I am trying now to stop being good and focus on being authentically me - figure out what I feel (not what someone else feels) and act in accordance with that"

Firsttimer7259, your entire post really struck a chord with me and the paragraph in quotes is what I'm really trying to do right now.

Thank you so much HotDAMNlifeisgood, so great to have the validation (and what a memory you have :))

Think I knew I didn't really want to put myself through another visit when the first thought I had after agreeing to it was thinking I'd better morph myself into a skinny person.

I'm far more excited about not going, have plenty of plans of my own, things that I would far rather do and spend my money on.

Still feel really split in the middle though most days - there's the part of me that says 'you've spent a lifetime so far pleasing and appeasing others, it's your turn to do whatever the hell you please now' and the other side that frets about being selfish, self absorbed and thinking I'm just reverting back to what I did in my childhood - running away from or avoiding a situation/problem altogether.

Then again, they 'ran away' or rather, chose to abandon me emotionally and physically first so nerrr :)

handbagCrab - so true, all the things you put down that you just wouldn't do or ever even remotely think to do with/to your own children, very well put.

Still feel really split in the middle though most days - there's the part of me that says 'you've spent a lifetime so far pleasing and appeasing others, it's your turn to do whatever the hell you please now' and the other side that frets about being selfish, self absorbed and thinking I'm just reverting back to what I did in my childhood - running away from or avoiding a situation/problem altogether.

Maybe there is a little bit of that - you're the best judge. And so? Do you expect to go from realizing that you no longer want to be a people pleaser directly to being a perfectly balanced and mature individual with no more issues whatsoever, who can face every situation with wisdom and equanimity?

No, that sounds pretty impossible. And it also sounds like someone who is still expecting perfection from herself.

I see my evolution a little bit like a seesaw: I tipped waaaaay too much in the "people pleaser" direction for years, now I've tipped away from that and a bit too much in the direction of "mistrust everyone! ignore bills and responsibility! spend money on yourself for once mwahahaha!". I assume that with a bit more time, and a bit more trial and error, my tipping from side to side will become less acute, more like tiny little dips, and that I will eventually reach a balance of sorts. But I don't expect it to happen overnight.

...tell you what else wouldn't occur to me to do either - to shove my child off on a limited stay abroad (Au-Pair supposed to be for a year) at 18 years of age and then act as if that child is a fully fledged adult, devoid of the need of any advice or help or just a sympathetic ear.

Watching that child/young adult go through a clearly controlling and abusive relationship with a much older man (duly schlepped to germany and introduced to them) and taking the piss behind that young adult's back and making wry observations and digs to her face

I know there's a fine line between coming across as interfering busy bodies but there's no way I'd let any child of mine battle through all of life's crap all by her/himself with only 'you made your bed' comments to offer.

Makes me realise how little support I had when I hear my friends and work colleagues of either gender fret and worry and support their (sometimes adult) children and sitting there thinking 'well, I had no idea this went on, surely you just shoved them out of the door with a curt goodbye and an awkward embrace when they reached 18?'

Apologies for essays tonight, am clearly on some sort of a roll here.

roll away, Bibi!