My family is a mixture of two pre-existing families and the children of a later marriage. My Dad hated my Mum's children from her first marriage, my Mum hated the children from my Dad's first marriage. They married almost certainly because my eldest full sibling was on the way.
My Dad and I had a great relationship, my Mum and I did not. My siblings (all older) had, as far as I understand it, a rotten relationship with both parents, sometimes involving physical punishment; all of us lived through emotional and physical neglect. There was a great deal of anger and resentment directed at the children from the parents, exclusively for me this came from my Mum and intensified after my Father died before I reached my teens.
As a result there was a great deal of resentment between the children from each side and to a certain extent the later children of both parents.
My Mum was suffering from a progressive, physical illness, one of the common associated problems is Depression, I understand this better as an adult. Her life was a million miles away from what she wanted and felt she deserved, I'm not excusing her, but I wish I'd understood as a child that most of it had nothing to do with me.
My Mum died several years ago, the family history polluted the process, there were some arguments, the ones that tried to do their best managed to bitterly offend the others. Some of us stayed in contact for a while after the funeral but it petererd out, some of us exchange Christmas cards. I tried to keep in contact with my closest sibling but the last answer machine message wasn't answered. A recent accidental meeting with this sibling has led to what's taking place in a few days.
It's the final act of my Mum's death, something outstanding that needs to be done. Four of us are taking part, others lost contact with us long before her death, others since and I have no contact details, if anyone has them they are not admitting it. Two of those taking part would not be except that I insisted that they should be contacted and given the chance.
I'm okay in general, almost entirely. I wasn't for a long time, MH issues are common in my family but a mixture of AD's and then CBT pretty much sorted me out.
I used to think of my Mum as "the Goblin behind the door", I'd be walking along, getting on with life, everything okay and bang, a phrase, noise, tone even smell and crash straight into a flashback (can't think of a better way to describe it), the "Goblin" had jumped out from behind the door. A mixture of anger and guilt.
So, the thing that's coming, it'll be good to get it done but I'm struggling with some emotional "flashbacks". Anger and guilt mostly, worry that if my siblings arn't in a good place that this could become a competition in misery and if it does go horribly wrong my closest sibling is going to be "I told you so"-ing.
I'm determined not to be kicked to pieces by all this again and this post is part of that process.
Where I am at is:
- There is not better or worse when it comes to toxic families, just different.
- In a few days the "Goblin" will be completely "buried" and she really can't hurt me anymore, if she'd been capable I'd have been ducking ectoplasam (?sp) soaked frying pans for the last few years [weak humour emotocon].
- If my siblings want to channel her I ain't playing along, but I ain't holding grudges either.
- I usually only drink at Christmas, there's some left over Archers in the house for after the event, thankfully.
Only a few days to go.
Thanks for the airspace.