i've posted a few times, came to one of the original threads, and read the toxic parents book as suggested. opened my eyes to everything that's been going on so thank you for that. i feel like I should share my backstory -- I am a guy if that makes any difference, I hope you can relate to my story (warning : very very long):
my mum is one of those narc ppl who always has to have someone they hate, someone as an outlet for all her rage and anger. she cannot function without that one person to make herself feel superior by making them feel absolutely tiny and worthless. unfortunately, for the majority of my life, it has been me.
growing up my mum made no secret that i was a mistake and that she never wanted me. she said she never weanted a son, and said if she'd known i was going to be male, she wouldn't have had me. she had a miscarriage before me, a girl, so my arrival just made things worse. in the end i was born by c-section and she blames me for ruining her figure and the scar. she even went as far as to tell her friends, my fake-Aunts, that she hated me and wished I was never born. they asked me on occasions whether it bothered me, but I didn't know any better so just tried to ignore it.
Up till my teens I was a quiet kid, never got into trouble, quite intelligent and a completely different person at school where I felt safe from her, and could be me. My younger sisters were the golden children growing up and could do no wrong, and my mum made a point of lavishing gifts on them and spending time with them, putting their wants before my needs and supporting them in their choices and hobbies. i was frowned on or verbally abused if i asked for anything.
i should mention my dad is an extremely weak man and will barely feature in this tale. she has him wrapped around her little finger and will essentially do whatever he can to keep the peace and keep her happy. he was also a work-a-holic and i would probably only see him a few hours a week. i started to hate him for this.
when i got to my teens I started to realise things weren't right and rebelled. I stopped being a good pupil at school, neglected homework, shut myself away, got into fights with other schoolboys, but generally tried to avoid contact with my family as much as possible. I liked it, and I was happier without them, and they were seemingly happier without me, but it was very destructive
I broke my arm over one summer and they left me home alone at 14 for a week to go on holiday becasue "there was no point me coming because i couldn't swim with a cast on" and they didn't want to cancel because "your mum needs a break." They left me with £20 and that was that. One of the best weeks of my life. After this I was not invited on family holidays, as it was decided it was better for everyone if I stayed at home. (honeslty, I was not a horrible kid, rude or bad company, I was just very unhappy and quiet)
When I was 14 we got our first computer and I LOVED it. I was learning how to use it, and spent a lot of time on it. Not playing because back then all we had was solitaire just learning and experimenting. Despite never breaking it apparently that was not allowed, and she put the computer room under lock and key. Fair enough - sometimes I'd be on it for hours learning how windows worked etc -- but my mum irrationally hated me for it and made a big deal about how I should be outside playing, not inside learning. the word freak and no-son-of-mine was used a lot. (just to mention I was very tall and skinny and loved sports at school, so I'm unsure what her probalem was)
One day I found out where the key was hidden and would sneak in there whenever I was alone in the afternoons/evenings, which at this point was very often. On a typical day I would clean out the chickens (we had some land) at 6am and leave for school in the morning alone and there would be nobody home when I came back until gone 8-9pm so I'd have to make my own tea. My Mum had decided to take college courses while my sisters were at dance classes, horse riding, gymnastics, whatever they wanted, so I probably only saw her on weekends at this point. I'd set an alarm every night for when she was due in, and I'd be sure to either be in my room, or in the garden when she got back. Thankfully she never caught me on the computer, but there were a few very close calls.
I enjoyed the arrangement, but if I ever had the cheek to ask for a lift to football practise or some money for a school trip, I was made to feel like I was asking for the world. The answer was always no.
Tall and skinny for my age I went to my local football club, lied about being 16, and got a job cash in hand on match-days doing this and that. Instead of being praised, I was ridiculed. My Mum realised I had money, maybe £50 a week, and decided to cut me off at 14yo. I was to use my money for bus passes, lunches, and apparently all my food. Not satisfied with locking the kitchen, she also put locks on the cupboard doors, and refused to let me eat with the family. I was relegated to my room most nights, which was probably the safest place for me. It did mean though, that dinner for me was mostly crisps based.
Somehow I continued on - and at the age of 16 I got a second job at a local supermarket just to supplement my income. It was only 17hrs a week, but combined with my paper round and the football club, I was getting a nice bundle of money together so I could start to afford proper meals in the evenings. My mum despised me for this, and petitioned my Dad to throw me out of the home. She literally said to him "it's me or him" and I remember vividly a terrible conversation with my Dad where he told me "I love you, but I love your mother more. Please make things work or ..." ... yeah...
Thing is I was never openly abusive, phsyically or verbally to her, I just tried to keep out of her way. My dad didnt care though. I ran away to my grandparents a few times but was told to go home, school was too important to miss.
When I was 17 my Dad got offered a job overseas... and the plan was to leave me in England, and the 4 of them would start a new life without me. Their reasoning was that I earnt enough money to look after myself, was part way through my A-Levels and it'd be better for everyone if I stayed. I made one of the best and worst decisions of my life to go with them. I knew if I stayed I'd flunk out of school and probably end up on the dole through lack of motivation so one week before they were due to go... I had the cheek to ask them if I could come with them.
They made a very big deal about it, my Mum protested a lot, but thankfully I think they realised the law was on my side or something, and I was allowed to go with them. I hated it. It was unbearable with them because I didn't know anyone in the new country, and I had no source of income for almost a year, but I just about got through it despite a few moments where I seriously contemplated suicide.
Long and short of it, I completed my studies, worked and paid my own wasy through university, did my BSc, did my MSc, and the rest is history.
There's more, but I'm tired of writing now. Maybe for another time?
Thanks (and grats) for reading if you made it this far.