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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is SGB around?

225 replies

spiderslegs · 26/01/2012 00:29

Open relationships - tell me more.

OP posts:
spiderslegs · 01/02/2012 19:57

ike1 - are you actually my husband? I'm starting to suspect you may be.

OP posts:
spiderslegs · 01/02/2012 19:58

I think it's interesting that there seems to be a very clear division here, those who believe in & defend monogamy (even if they haven't completely practised themselves) & those who see sexuality as more fluid. It's also quite telling the the defenders are quite derogatory about an alternative way of living but no-one has flamed them for their wish to practice monogamy.

& yes we do have a model now in which serial monogamy appears to be increasingly common, I'm not sure whether that's a better way to live, surely you're just skimming over the surface until something better comes along? Never really getting too deep, I've done that. I don't want to do it again.

amelia I don't think SGB was equating the love of a parent to a child to the love of a partner, merely that it is possible to love more than one person, I never thought I could possibly love another child as much as my first born, it turned out I could, so why should it be impossible to love more than one partner? It's not a finite emotion is it?

I haven't as MrMeaner kindly pointed out, said or even alluded that I would forge on regardless irrespective of my husband's wishes. If I was going to do that I'm having the wrong discussion really.

You also seem to see my honesty to my husband as an act of aggression, & I'm on a selfish mission because I need to scratch an itch. It may be the case for you that even contemplating such a thing would be unpalatable, it may that for DH it's not something he wants to contemplate, in which case, fine, I'll let the matter sink into obscurity.

But do you know what? (& this is going to sound really fucking trite) everyone's different, everyone has ideas about how they want to live their lives, & everyone has a right to feelings about how they want to live their lives. sometimes compromise must be made & if I'm the one that has to compromise, then so be it. Doesn't mean I'm not allowed to feel or even talk about any other way does it?

OP posts:
ike1 · 01/02/2012 20:08

Yes but how does your partner feel about having his sex life 'honestly' debated on a public forum? We know you don't care but he is highly identifiable. You have no idea about my views on sexuality cos I haven't told you. Dont need to.

ike1 · 01/02/2012 20:11

He's the one I think has had to put up and shut up. Oh not surprised you had 'the best sex' on the weekend poor bastard was under pressure to perform. We know that too....

spiderslegs · 01/02/2012 20:11

& yes Ike, I don't think he'd mind, I've told him about this thread, told him he's welcome to read this thread, he knows I've been outed on this forum & he has, at no point said, please get that thread removed Spiders, it bothers me & I wouldn't like anyone to read it. If he did, I would.

Nothing I've said on this thread is detrimental to him, nothing, I've repeatedly said how much I love him. I think he's a fucking sexy man & he makes me laugh & laugh.

& as I said before, if everyone we both knew read this thread, then what? What exactly would happen? It's not as though I started a thread saying 'I fucking hate my husband, he's a fucking wanker, I'm only with him for the money & I'd like to fuck the gardener - AIBU?'

I invited a measured discussion, which, for the most part I've got & it's actually been really helpful to me.

OP posts:
ike1 · 01/02/2012 20:12

Oh and Spiders you never know WHO you are talking to on a forum such as this...

spiderslegs · 01/02/2012 20:21

Well maybe I know you , maybe you know my husband, maybe you're my fucking father, which is why I never say anything on here I wouldn't say in RL.

OP posts:
ike1 · 01/02/2012 20:25

So a man who would 'rather commit suicide' than have an open relationship doesn't mind that others know his wife wants to fuck other men as well as him. And that he can be easily identified in public. Yep sure, think youre NOT actually being as honest with us as you say, but Oooookay, as long as YOU have found the thread useful......

ike1 · 01/02/2012 20:29

Well I know your other half works away ALOT so does he get the opportunity to really know what you are writing about his sex life?

ike1 · 01/02/2012 20:32

See the open relationship stuff is not what bothers me. Its the 'honesty' thing - i think you have to be very careful that honesty does not tip over into a selfish need to dump your shit on or about your nearest and dearest at their expense.

AbbyAbsinthe · 01/02/2012 20:37

Well, hand on heart, I think a lot of us want that, tbh!

ike1 - do you know spiderslegs irl? Because you are certainly sounding like you do. And whilst I appreciate the need for debate on a subject such as this, you are coming across as if you have a personal vendetta. Are you her dh? The OP is allowed to write whatever she likes, wherever she likes. It's her right. If you feel she is being dishonest in some way, and you don't like it, hide the thread.

spiderslegs · 01/02/2012 20:37

Look Ike, this is the last thing I'm going to say on the matter which is obviously troubling you, yes he did say, 'I'd rather kill myself', & no, I don't think he meant it, it was just hyperbole. My husband is actually a very robust, level & laid back human being, who loves me as I love him.

& I've never said I'd like to 'fuck other men' as you so delightfully put it. It could just as easily be women for all you actually know.

So unless you are him (which I don't think you are as I have just spoken to him & he seemed pretty fucking relaxed) I don't think you can presume to know what he feels.

So enough - I don't want a fight, that's not what I'm here for.

OP posts:
ike1 · 01/02/2012 21:23

Nope Abby its just that the OP has revealed a lot about herself and her family that's fine for her cos she's the one who is revealing it they appear to have no say in the matter but are easily identifiable - yes I think she needs to be concerned about her families feelings and their privacy. Why if I am being 'honest' is that a 'vendetta'?

You can FUCK who u want OP that is not my point. Yes FUCK is a delightful word why not reclaim it oh 'free' spirit?

I am simply here to remind you that if you put stuff out on the internet it can be there for a long time so make damn sure that your 'honesty' does not come back to bite you on the arse-or those of your loved ones.

LeBOF · 01/02/2012 21:30

Hmm, that is true. I have no problem with what you've posted, Spiderslegs, but I would strongly recommend you removing your pics from your profile before I start looking for your house on google earth and drop in for a cup of tea, just for the privacy if your family.

LeBOF · 01/02/2012 21:31

And Ike sounds a bit scary

spiderslegs · 01/02/2012 21:43

Well unless I apply for a job with the Christian Right Wing Morality Corp next week I think I'll be fine.

I'd be quite happy to post my name, address & knicker size on here really.

& I really can't conceive a situation where my children will be affected by this.

But thank you for your concern.

Fuck fuck fuckedy fuck (thanks).

OP posts:
ike1 · 01/02/2012 21:51

Hey BOF only givin the OP a taste of other peep's 'honesty' IYSWIM..

spiderslegs · 01/02/2012 21:52

but Ike is frightening me a little

I'm going to sweat it out until she turns up on my doorstep & my dogs & lovers eat her.

OP posts:
ike1 · 01/02/2012 22:09

Oh I wont be botherin to turn up on your doorstep OP got a busy life.. but there's plenty of info you've put out about your other half for women who might fancy a taste...

spiderslegs · 01/02/2012 22:11

Fill your boots then - please.

OP posts:
ike1 · 01/02/2012 22:13

See its not all about you OP your partner and kids are on you profile and while I could applaud you your 'honesty' if it was just your pic up there and you were single..that is not the case.

ike1 · 01/02/2012 22:14

As I said my boots are full.. but others well ... that's the thing isn't it..

ike1 · 01/02/2012 22:17

See I get the feeling you only like 'honesty' on your terms OP otherwise you would not be so defensive at our suggestions regarding protecting your family's privacy.

spiderslegs · 01/02/2012 22:22

Ike, this really is the last time I'm going to engage - I've outlined my thoughts & feelings about this already - WHY should I care what anyone thinks, other than my husband - who already knows about this thread?

Please carry on (I've even spoken to a number of my friends about this thread - SO CARRY ON).

OP posts:
ColdTruth · 02/02/2012 01:26

To be honest I really doubt this will end well, it's one thing to start a new relationship with everyone involved knowing the 'score' (that it is going to be a open relationship) and another to be in a relationship in a while even married and then spring this on your partner (who reacted negatively towards it).

It really isn't fair on your DH, fair enough your being honest but if he sticks to his no, what do you do next? end the relationship/cheat/or continue on?