To anyone who left a partner because of domestic violence, or it hoping to take that step...

[MmeLindor.]

Please read this moving article by Patrick Stewart and know that you have done so much to protect your children and that no matter how hard it was/is on them right now, they will always always love you for getting out.

Warning, it may well make you cry.

That's what my counsellor said babyhammock, that I had blanked out or minimised a lot of what happened in order to cope. You just don't expect that another person, someone who is supposed to love you, would treat you so badly, that's why it's so hard to believe it's happening. What sickens me is that it's so common. I thought I was alone with what I was going through but so many women are experiencing exactly the same. That's scary, it makes me think it must be 'normal' and put's me off ever having a relationship again.

Jasmine have you ever spoken to your mother about the abuse and why she chose to stay rather than leave? Has she ever given you any answers for her decision?

Timeforme that's just it, you have to minimise it to just get through it I think.
I kept remembering more and more stuff after I'd left for ages but I still thought and told the police that he was never sexually abusive. He actually used to regularly force me to have sex (after he'd been screaming at me)even though I was crying and telling him I didn't want to. I'd totally 'forgotten' about that until quite recently....

I also thought that the anger was directed at me and not DS. It took someone else who read through the statements to make me realise that no, alot of it was clearly directed at DS... :(

Jasmine I do get where you are coming from and I'd consider myself a very strong person, but what he did to us which carried on after we left nearly broke me. What does your mum say now. Is she very dismissive of it? Cos that I'd find very hard to deal with....
I also get very frustrated I supose with women who leave, get properly away and then go back :(

Timeforme Yup, future relationships... just can't see it happening.

Jasmine
Yes, I admit that I find it difficult to understand women who stay when they see their children being physically hurt by their partners - that they don't initially see the emotional wounds is clear, but how can anyone stand by and allow their partner to physically hurt their children?

This thread is really hard to read, if I am honest. I didn't think when I started it, that so many women would be brave enough to share their stories.

You are all bloody fabulous.

Oh me too babyhammock, so much more has come back to me since leaving. I think though I am seeing it through fresh eyes now, now I'm stronger I can see it was wrong whereas when I was with him and my esteem was on the floor I couldn't see that, it was all a part of everyday life, it was normal to me. When I think of the relationship now I feel so angry with myself for allowing those things to happen but at the same time I couldn't have stopped them from happening because I wasn't fully aware of how bad things were. But I refuse to be a victim. I'm a survivor!

MmeLindor if sharing our experiences helps just one woman to realise that she is living in an abusive relationship and saves just one child from suffering the same as Jasmine then it will be well worth it. I don't think it's spoken about enough.

Timefor and baby, yes I have talked about it a little with my mother by letter. She admitted she was a coward. But she didn't say she should have stood up for me. All she said was she realises she was a coward and should have stood up for herself. I just don't know what to make of that. She saw and heard my dad abusing me emotionally, mentally and psychologically for years, and she doesn't even seem to realise it was her job to stand up for me.

She is a very strange woman. If I asked her now why she didn't leave, I would just get a blank stare from her. And she would feel sorry for herself that I was accusing her of being a bad mother. She would not even think about the impact on me of the abuse.

She is a retired teacher. So not uneducated or unintelligent. That's why I find her totally incomprehensible. But I know I'm definitely better off without her in my life. Which is very sad for me too. Which is why I think all of you are bloody brilliant women who should be so so so proud of yourselves. I wish I had had a mother like you instead of the one I was unlucky enough to have.

jasmine Your mother sounds like a very self absorbed woman, she seems to lack empathy and be totally unable to relate to you. Other than failing to protect you what were her mothering skills like? Did she show you love and affection, did she try to make amends in some way for your fathers treatment of you or were you deprived of her love as well as her support?

My mother was self absorbed, showed no love or affection, thought only of herself, was a miserable, bitter woman. I suffered abuse at her hands but my dad was lovely, she put him through it too. My dad died 17 years a go, my mother is still living but I have no contact with her, she is a toxic woman and there is no room for her in my life.

Some people we will never understand, sometimes it's best to just let go and move on, focus on all the good we have in our lives and not give up any energy to such emotionally draining people. I sincerely hope that you have a happy life now jasmine, free of any kind of abuse and full of love.

Jasmine
Do you have children? They are lucky to have you, as you will surely protect them as your mother never did.

She does sound very cold and unfeeling.

Timefor, no, she didn't show me any love or affection. She only ever seemed to think about my sisters. Her mothering skills towards them seemed ok. It was just me she had a problem with. I think maybe she had PND and never bonded with me but I still don't think that's an excuse to ignore me completely.

I'm sorry you had a toxic mother too. Yes, I agree with leaving her behind and moving on without her. I strive to do that every day. And I have a DH and DC's who love me and who I love dearly and would do anything for. They have made up for ht bad luck in the parent department.

Mme L, thankyou, that is such a lovely positive thing to say to me. Yes, my mother was to me very cold, unfeeling, and just not a mother. I think she surely must have some form of mental illness to be the way she is but I have no idea what it might be. She does not seem to fit any of the common disorders eg NPD etc. She is a complete mystery to me.

Gosh Jasmine, your situation sounds very much like mine. I have three sisters who my mother never seemed to have a problem with. She seemed able to communicate with them. I was/am different though. I have a brain and wanted to use it, I had ambition but was mocked for it, told I would never amount to anything. I had a horrible horrible childhood. I couldn't wait to have children so that I could raise them with love and that is exactly what I have done. I have been a totally different mother to the one my mother was.

Jasmine, I think my mother was jealous of me, I think she was envious because I had what she lacked. Maybe your mother was/is the same. I'm so pleased that you are surrounded by love now.

Jasmine and Timeforme that's awful but there just seems no way to get through to someone with that mindset either. I still try with my mum but never get anywhere :(. She just finds it impossible to show any affection, feelings? I shouldn't bother as I just end up getting upset.

I didn't realise until I had DS just how lacking things were in my own childhood... it physically hurts me to even imagine being with him the way my parents were to me... and finding myself in a very abusive relationship made me think loads about it too.

Timeforme did you link your experience with your mum and then accepting/not realising being treated so badly by a partner?

I was looking for a thread like this one tonight. I am at the stage where the euphoria of having got away has now subsided. I unexpectedly found myself in emotional turmoil last week when I had to attend the High Court in Holborn to get an emergency PSO. Afterwards, I found myself buckling under a mountain of emotional baggage and unanswered questions. I have just started the Freedom course and it has definitely begun to help. I am still at that stage where I know that I have gone through the right motions and absolutely done right by DS (who was physically abused more times than I could even say by DH over a short period of time).
As many of you have described on this thread, my DS has been unbelievable and never faltered in his resolve to be rid of the monster.

I am finding it hard to come to terms with the loss of hope and stark ugliness of the whole situation. I have lost a part of my freedom forever and I will always be looking over my shoulder.

DH is a charmer and I am worried that he will weave a web of lies in future hearings despite a water tight SS report. I am certain that he will carry on controlling us, denigrating my character and causing us harm from afar. For many years, I made myself believe that despite the previous DV, extreme road rage and aggression, he cared deeply enough about DS to never harm him. But he let us down so badly to the extent that there were times when I feared that he would actually murder him and it sickens me to the core to have to subject DS to weekly phone contact (my previous solicitor set this up as she said that otherwise, he would 'turn up on my doorstep' ... you can guess what he did last week?)

Timefor, I don't think my mum was jealous of me. I think she didn't like me because she thought I took after my dad (who she hated because he was a nasty bully), whereas she seemed to think my sisters took after her and so preferred them to me. But I don't know for sure. She is a very very strange woman, I have never understood the way her mind works. I could write a book about her bizarre behaviour.

And although I hated my dad for being so abusive and used to feel sorry for my mother, over time, as I got older and noticed her failures too, I eventually felt she and my dad deserved each other. They both made each other miserable and they both deserve to be miserable for the rest of their lives.

baby, yes, me too, I cannot imagine my DD experiencing even a fraction of the abuse and neglect I suffered at her age.

My parents were two individuals with huge unresolved issues. Putting them together and letting them have children was always going to end in disaster. It's so clear to me now. But they can't see it. They have no idea what they've done wrong which is very very scary.

petersham, first of all, well done for having the courage and determination to leave. I can understand you feeling over whelmed at your situation and the enormity of what you have been through and what now faces you.

Do you have support in place? ie supportive friends, family, legal professionals, professional mental health support. Are you in touch with Refuge and/or Womens Aid?

Petersham I remember your solicitor doing that
DH is a charmer and I am worried that he will weave a web of lies in future hearings despite a water tight SS report. I am certain that he will carry on controlling us, denigrating my character and causing us harm from afar. yup, me too!

Thanks both - yes, I have plenty of support. WA was not supportive in my area - it went round the houses a lot, even though I have heard that they can be brilliant elsewhere. I know understand that the situation was a lot worse than I realised in the immediate aftermath of our escape.

babyhammock - It was her parting gift, I suppose. New solicitor is beginning to recognise that if DS is distressed and DH obv cannot care less about her so-called contact agreement, then we should consider changing it. This raises credibility issues wrt how it would be viewed by a third party and could also result in a torrent of anger and aggression being unleashed cross-Channel. I don't know what is best.

DS is adamant that he wants nothing to do with DH - not because he is still in the state he was six months ago; rather in a cool, level-headed way. He is comfortable about dads in story books, comfortable around friends' dads but he still recalls the crap he went through and does not want contact. However, I have been advised that he is six and that is still quite young to expect his opinion to carry a lot of weight in court. Likewise that the SS is only one of many factors to be taken into account. How much contact would be the norm in such a situation?

I knew i had to leave when my sound started crying with fear every time my ex raised his voice at me. He is only 19months now and i very much hope that what he has seen has not had any long term damage upon him. Generally he is now a very happy child, always laughing and giggling so surely he must feel happier. He rarely cries unless its frustration that he cant do something or sometimes impatience at waiting for his dinner. I am feeling more confidence and the old fun lively full of life me is finally returning, i feel attractive again and am no longer looking down at the ground in shame. DV effects everyone within the family. I am so glad he is so little and will blossom into an amazing young man one day. I dont know if i will find someone to settle down with, but even if i dont having no male role model in his life i think is better than having an abusive, drug taking, alcoholic one.

I am sorry for all those women who feel too trapped to get out but please do, your children will thank you for it. And for those who have left well done and i wish you strength and happiness. My HV did mention about self esteem courses etc but i dont feel i need them. I am ME again and no longer controlled or at least i am getting back to being me. The confident self assured ME, I wish all those who havent got the courage to get out, courage. YOU can do it. I promise there is help out there, just tell someone close, anyone, they can help!

I have also tried on more than one occasion to commit suicide, because of the domestic violence and because i felt like such a rubbish mum (he had drilled this into my head) that my son would be better off with out me (something else he continuously told me). Now i know i am a good mum, not perfect but good. Life wont be easier, but god knows it is already so much easier and happier without him.

Kind regards to all you women out there.You are worth more than this!

Well done to you too Ellen.

Could I just ask again what contact (if any) others have between their DCs and Ex. I imagine that many would not have bothered to pursue for this on account of their dreadful behaviour but when this has not happened, how difficult was it to minimise contact?
Please feel free to PM me if sensitive.

My ex spoke to a solicitor just before christmas in respect of a divorce and contact. i received the letter the day before christmas eve. Merry Fing Christmas to you too. I then got legal advice and did manage to find someone to take on my case on the 23rd with legal aid! The first appointment they could offer me was the fourth as it was about 4oclock before i found a solicitor that was able to take on my case and they were closed over until the 3rd i think. She was ever so nice and helpful and i am now waiting to hear back again. I noticed the divorce was the first thing mentioned in the letter though! Now just waiting to hear back but have stated it will have to be through a contact centre and really the longer he takes with contact the more he misses out on.

babyhammock I most definitely hold my relationship with my mother responsible for how I grew as an adult and chose my relationships. I grew up desperate for love and affection, so much so I used to try buy it, I would save my babysitting money and buy her gifts knowing this would raise a small smile and give me an easier day than normal. I constantly walked on eggshells as a child. The feeling of dread as I walked down the path after coming home from school, not knowing what to expect. At age 15 I lay on my bed and told myself that if things got any worse I could always kill myself. This made life more bearable somehow, knowing I had a bolt hole. Suicide, a bolt hole.

I have spent many years as a people pleaser due to low self esteem but not any more. I don't entertain people who are toxic. I was helped immensely by counselling when in Refuge, this is what enabled me to recognise it.

Jasmine My mother got pregnant with me and was so 'forced' to be with my dad because in the early 60's it was the 'proper' thing to do. Their relationship wasn't what I would call loving. My dad worked hard then would come home and take over, cooking tea, looking after the four children. My mother would be snapping at him, accusing him of having affairs and he would just take it, he would respond in nothing but a calm and loving way. She would push him but he never reacted. It's obvious to me now that he was a victim too. I did used to wonder though if my mother hated me because I was the baby who caused her to end up with my dad, if she resented me because of it.

Petersham my ex had open access to our DD when I left, he could see her when he wanted but, once he realised I wasn't going back and he had lost control he used the courts to get to me. The fool took me to court for a court order for contact. My solicitor helped me to realise that he really was doing me a favour, that by allowing him open access I was continuing to try and please him, try to buy myself some peace but as the solicitor pointed out, this would never work with a man like that. So, to cut a long story short he is court ordered to have contact every other weekend Friday through to Sunday and every Wednesday for tea. BUT, I had a wonderful CAFCASS officer involved (the judge ordered it because of the DV) who didn't think the ex should have contact at all, it was me who asked for him to be given a chance but only for DD's sake. She wanted to see her daddy and I wanted her to have the chance to do so, if he failed or let her down in any way then contact would be stopped. Two years on and the contact is going well, he has relaxed his possessive grip and DD decides when she wants to see him and he accepts that. Are CAFCASS involved in your situation petersham, I've read some horror stories about them on here but in my case they really were on mine and DD's side. My CAFCASS officer had my ex sussed straight away, she thinks he has a personality disorder and gave me some excellent advice on how to monitor DD's reactions to contact.

Timeforme i'm so so sorry :(. That is so similar to me too and I know its effected all my relationships in the same way as you. I could have written word for word how you described it. I felt no matter what I did I my parents just wouldn't love me. I can remember when I was around aged 10 -13 going tosleep with a pillow over my face night after night praying I wouldn't wake up.

Petersham ex has contact in a contact centre every 2 weeks atm. I'm really worried about contact being moved away from that though..

I'm so sorry you had to go through that too babyhammock . The sad thing is that even though I haven't had contact with my mother in over 10 years I still continued to send her cards and a bouquet of flowers for birthdays, Mothers day, Christmas and Easter! I just couldn't not do it, I felt I would be a bad daughter if I didn't do it. The counsellor pointed out to me that in no way was I a bad daughter, I had never been a bad daughter but I did have a bad mother. Now, when the time comes that I would have sent flowers and a card I get a kick out of the fact that I haven't sent them. I really have come a long way, I am a different person these days and that is all thanks to WA and their investment in me. They were truly wonderful.

Petersham
Well done for getting out. I hope that the stories of these women will help to give you the strength to continue fighting.

I wondered about the access thing - is it common for men to get "fed up" after a while and stop contact?

I'm so glad that you've got to that stage Timeforme.. it takes a long time doesn't it to finally realise what you're dealing with. It just goes against everything that we are conditioned to accept. I fantasise loads about not having to see my parents ever again but I still keep going back :( and I know I should have some counselling about my ex too really... x