To anyone who left a partner because of domestic violence, or it hoping to take that step...

[MmeLindor.]

Please read this moving article by Patrick Stewart and know that you have done so much to protect your children and that no matter how hard it was/is on them right now, they will always always love you for getting out.

Warning, it may well make you cry.

J4J A direct answer to your question is NO, you do not let him stay in the house, you absolutely do not. He punched you in the face, he knocked you out, all in front of your children, he leaves, end of.

He is not a 'good man'. A good man would not punch his wife so hard that he knocked her out. He is an abusive man. He may well need help for his anger but that is his responsibility, it is for him to seek help while he lives outside the home.

I don't understand how the police let him go with just a caution. If he had knocked someone out in the street he would have been charged. This is Domestic Violence, why was he not charged with assaulting you?

I'm quite speechless actually. I don't know what to say. I feel so sad for your little girl witnessing that then thinking you were dead. So so sad.

J4J Please give Women's Aid a ring for advice. Please do that. Don't wait until there is a next time, please don't take a risk that there won't be a next time, think of your children, don't have your children going through anything like this ever again.

J4J
What an awful, chilling post.

Make him leave. Right now.

A good man is not one who would knock his partner unconscious. No matter how angry he was.

Really, my love, it may be hard but you have to make him leave. Read what the other women on this thread have posted, particularly about the reactions of their children, or those women who witnessed abuse at home.

Call Women's Aid, they will be able to advise you.

Do you have support from your family?

Timefor, you have given your DD the best gift imaginable. She has the space, freedom and security to blossom and grow and use her energies in fulfilling her potential. I had to use my energy as a child to simply survive and I feel sad that I never fulfilled my potential. I never had the support of my parents, I have achieved what I have despite them, not because of them.

Solo, I think we'll just have to agree to disagree on this one. I cannot think of a single reason good enough for my mother to stay with my dad. Saying it was too hard to leave is not a good enough reason. It's just a pathetic excuse, where children are concerned. If there are no DC's involved, then if she or anyone else chooses to stay, it doesn't really matter to me and I won't judge. Once there are DC's involved, then it's very very different and I am very judgmental. And I'm not apologising for being judgmental because I am the one who is now having to try and repair the damage done by my parents, I am the one who forfeited her childhood through no fault of my own. It should be made a crime to allow your children to be abused, that's how strongly I feel about it.

J4J. This may be the first time but it won't be the last. You say he has anger management problem. What does he usually do when he's angry? He did this to you, which is awful enough. He did it in front of your children which is horrific.
Put yourself in your little girl's shoes - she does not need to be exposed to that. She was scared you were dead. He knocked you out and then accused you of faking it. He left a four year old to hold and cry over you until you came round.

He is not a good man. Please phone Women's Aid and then make him leave.

J4J, there is so much support for you out there. You don't have to do this alone. And it is the BEST thing you can do for your DD. She deserves a proper childhood, she only gets one chance at it.

Have you read Jasmine and Time's posts on here J4J? They can be all the impetus you need to ensure your dd and your other children never have to endure this again. Be strong, be brave. Pick up the phone.

I'm not saying that abused people (man, woman or child) shouldn't get out of an abusive relationship; hell, no! I think they should get out. Abuse doesn't stop once it's started, but there are many reasons why people don't get out.

Solo, what are the reasons people don't leave? I'm interested as my mother didn't leave. I've put it down to being scared and cowardly on her part. But I'd be interested to hear if there might have been other reasons I'm not aware of.

jasmine - I can partly answer that.
I thought marriage was for life. I thought I should make it better (it was my job?). I thought divorce would harm my kids. I thought I was hiding it from the children. I thought I was sacrificing myself to make them stay in a family unit.

I also had such low self esteem that I thought I was the problem and if I tried harder I could make it better.

I thought I wouldn't cope and my DC's lives would be much much worse post divorce.

I stayed for them.

Stupid stupid decision. Had it been just me I'd have left yonks before

There are many reasons that women stay with abusive men. Maybe, in light of J4J's post a more useful question would be how do women find the courage to leave.

For J4J
Marriage is not for life...or for better or worse if it includes violence, misery, abuse of of one partner (including verbal)

It takes two committed partners to make a marriage happy.

My kids knew. They sensed tension. They were tense, anxious and unhappy. They are very very content now.

My self esteem is now 'normal' I am a good role model for my DC

I'm better off financially. I'm struggling time wise because I work f/t but our lives are busy but good.

I should have left for them. My life is just so much better. I wish I'd walked years ago.

Courage isn't all that is required. It's about drawing a boundary and when that is crossed, recognising that. Punching is crossing it.

Of course courage isn't all that is required but it is required, even if a person recognises that a boundary has been crossed courage is required to take that next step. Some people know that their abuser has over stepped the mark, they are aware of boundaries but still they are too afraid to leave. Or they stay thinking it was a one off and that it might not happen again.

Then there are the women whose ability to recognise healthy boundaries is skewed due to persistent abuse causing chronically low self esteem, the women who are so affected that they actually empathise with their abuser. Boundaries are something a woman is more able to recognise and so work on when she is out of an abusive relationship and her self esteem is at a healthy level.

That second post resonates so much

Tooth brushthief, thankyou for your post. It was very illuminating. And I'm sure many if not all of the reasons you have described apply to my mother. I feel I understand a bit more now. I want to understand, because I want to stop feeling so angry and hateful of my mother.

Timefor, I think your second post also applies to my mother. Before my dad abused me he abused my mother and no doubt damaged her self esteem.

But, I also know that my mother is/was an essentially weak and cowardly person. She never was a strong, confident woman. Perhaps that's why my dad married her, subconsciously he saw that she was weak and would be easy to dominate and control.

But ultimately, I always come back to wondering just how could she watch her child being abused in front of her for YEARS and not do a thing. None of the reasons given seem good enough to me, not when an innocent, helpless, defenceless young child is being hurt, damaged, scarred for life.

All of the above.

I married for life too, thought it'd be forever. I was quite a beautiful young woman, but he told me I was fat (size 8/10) and ugly and that nobody else would want me. I believed him and didn't want to be alone. He'd seen off most of my friends and alienated me from my family by forbidding me to visit them (because you are married now). I did find the strength to leave him after 2 years, but his promises of change and love lured me back...he did change. For 2 weeks he was loving and attentive and then one night as I sat up in bed, he walked around to his side and told me that I'd never leave him again, because if I did, he'd burn the house down and I'd get nothing. I was 22 and very frightened. I believed him. I wound up in a psychiatric hospital for 3 months of my life at the age of 24, never daring to tell the doctors, the nurses or my keyworker the real reason I was suicidal. I was in hell, but I couldn't leave.
I felt I'd be letting my family down, that I was a failure, that I would be blamed for not being a good wife, for not trying hard enough.

Strangely enough, whenever he abused me, I'd usually buy him a gift...it was like crawling on my belly for his forgiveness. Very sad.

18 years after I'd last seen him, I was told of his suicide. I cannot tell you how badly that has affected me. I attended his funeral.

Just a day or so before Christmas day, I broke a Pyrex jug; the same Pyrex jug that his brother and his wife gave us as part of our wedding gift almost 28 years ago and I was in bits over it. I phoned his brothers house wanting to speak to his wife (don't ask me why because we don't keep in touch), but exbil answered. I was crying my heart out. I told him that his brother was haunting me ~ had been haunting me in life since we split up and was now haunting me literally and that I could feel him touching me, that he wont leave me alone (all true). Exbil said to me 'Solo, I cleared his house. I saw what was on those computers and I know that he probably wasn't a very good husband.'

It's good to know that he knows that it wasn't my fault as it was made out to be...I just wish that he would convey that to the remainder of his siblings...

I'm sorry, I've gone on a bit there, but I'm not having a great time atm.

Nothing, but nothing is black or white; there are many shades of grey in between and many of those shades of grey are the reasons why people don't or can't get out.

Solo - I think a big part of the abusive relationship is the conditioning of a loving partner to feel that they should fix a damaged one (i.e. it's not really their fault/you must have more courage, loyalty, commitment)

You think other people will judge you in the same way. Leaving is something you want to do but believe you shouldn't. I felt guilty for wanting to leave and constantly stealed myself to stay believing it was 'for the children'. You lose all sense of perspective and as Time said Boundaries are something a woman is more able to recognise and so work on when she is out of an abusive relationship and her self esteem is at a healthy level.

I honestly thought the problem lay with me, not him. If I changed, worked harder, accepted etc.

I can imagine your feelings when your ex commited suicide. Even though I had left and my perspective had changed (I'd recognised all those boundary problems which I could not see during the relationship) I still felt an enormous emotional tie. Not love. It was more maternal.

Interestingly my ex told me that separating was the best thing I could have done for him. This wasn't said in anger/heat of the moment or designed to hurt me. We talked for closure (if you like?) and I believe that he knew he was behaving badly, but was as locked into abusive patterns as I was locked into accepting them. You were not responsible for your ex. You grieve the hopes and dreams for a relationship. Accepting that you are not responsible for the marital breakdown is important. Your responsibility was to leave. You fulfilled that...as painful as it was. Please go and be happy. Break that spell

I thought the problem lay with me too, he told me it did, "you are not right in the head" and "even your own family don't want anything to do with you" even though he knew I was the one who cut contact with my mother and why. He got power from that. I attempted to buy his affection too. I changed, he didn't like me with long hair so I kept it short, he didn't like any of my friends so I stopped seeing them. The list is endless.

I think that 'emotional tie' we feel is traumatic bonding. Even after leaving, even knowing how badly he treated me and what a vile person he is I still felt attached to him, still wanted him to love me, like me even, that I put don't to traumatic bonding or maybe even Stockholm syndrome, it's due to conditioning.

Solo It wasn't your fault. None of it was your fault. You were not responsible for that man or his choices. He chose to abuse you, he chose to take his own life. There was nothing you could have done. It doesn't matter what other people think, they don't matter, what matters is you. Don't take responsibility for other peoples feelings, concentrate on you. I hope you are ok.

jasmine I can only imagine that for a mother to stay with an abusive man, to witness her child being abused as well as being abused herself, that her self esteem must have been non existent. She must have been void of any feeling whatsoever. Something very deep muct have been going of with her. All I know is that when The Ex started on me over the dishwasher, in front of DD, two days after Christmas, it was my little girl's reaction that was the turning point for me, as soon as he started I said "Not in front of DD" but he carried on, he didn't hold back, it was as though because I had told him not to do this in front of DD he was going to do it more but that made me angry, I was scared of him but I was also angry and I think it must have been that anger that spurred me on. I was determined that my daughter was not going to be ruined by that man, I saw in that moment that he had no respect for our daughter or her feelings, that he didn't care that she was frightened, all he cared about was exerting his power. I remember my feelings of protection over DD were strong, I was broken hearted for her, not for myself, if felt like her little life had been tarnished and I didn't want that for her. So, I left!

Solo, that is a very sad story. Thankyou so much for sharing it. My only perspective on this is from the pov of a child in a family where dv is present, so I can't imagine how you must have felt/are feeling now. I hope you can free yourself of your partner's legacy and be happy.

Timefor, once again, you are right. I think my mother was void of any feeling. She would have the weirdest reactions. Once she and I were watching Titanic. During a very sad part in the film, I glanced at her and she was smiling and laughing. At weddings she would wail and cry, louder than anyone and people would look at her. But mostly, if I asked her a question eg why did she not stop my dad, I would just get a blank stare, and she would go into victim mode ie why was I picking on her, it was all my dad's fault, she's just an innocent victim. It's like she thinks she's a child too with no control, no choices. She doesn't seem to realise she was

sorry, an adult who, unlike me as a child, had the power to leave, get my dad removed etc. I think she was severely mentally damaged. But then she managed to hold down and in fact do very well in her teaching job where she was respected and liked. How could that be? I find it so confusing.

time for me ,my ex regularly called me a weirdo.When he spoke in the voicemails in the summer he said"theres always been something wrong with you,ive never been able to put my finger on it ,your just a weirdo,thats why your dad hit you and thats why i hit you,your just a f%cking c%nt"
i cant believe i lived in a house with this man and heard that kind of language everyday,so corrosive.Then on a "good day" he would tell me how much he loved me .So glad i am free..I always excused it because he witnessed dv regularly as a kid in his home but it was different once we had kids .Things got worse when kids were 2&3 .I'd had enough and we split by thetime kids were 3 &4 .I loved him very much but a as the love faded i realised I had married an abusive bastard,a very charming abusive bastard but v v cruel .

I really wonder why my mother never reached the point where she'd had enough of my dad's abuse. Or why, when he started on me, that wasn't the point when she knew she had to leave. Do any of you have any thoughts about this? If you all managed to leave, whether it was sooner or later, why couldn't my mother?

I have really changed my view of my mother's relationship with my sisters because of this thread. I have always thought that she somehow managed to be a different person with them, that she somehow managed to overcome all her problems and be a proper mother to them and that was why they were all so close and why my sisters thought our mother was and is a brilliant parent.

The truth probably is that she was just as much of a failure as a mother with them as she was with me. But my sisters couldn't see it, whereas I always could. Instead of her rejecting me, I think I rejected her, because I could sense she was a fake, a lying, manipulative, weak, fake. But my sisters completely fell for her act of an innocent, hard done by victim and felt so grateful for anything she did for them, never realising how badly she had failed them. They witnessed plenty of abuse, even though they didn't directly experience it themselves as my dad seemed to only pick on me. They don't realise to this day that by keeping them in that environment our mother failed them too. She has managed to completely brainwash them into thinking she is such a self sacrificing, caring mother, that they have not realised that it is they who have sacrificed their childhoods because of her failure and weakness.

jasmine - the real wake up call for me was when my ex hit our 5 year old ds. I had been told more than once by family members that I must have provoked him, I'd made my bed etc...nobody else could see who he really was.
I considered running away, suicide. I believed that if I took ds and ran away, he would find me. I knew that if I died, I would be leaving ds to be abused.

So that was my turning point. I was lucky - I had just met my now dh and as an 'outsider' he could see how miserable and anxious I was. He offered to support me and ds. He made me realise that if I stayed it would never get better. So I left. It didn't stop my ex verbally abusing and threatening but at last I began to muster the strength to fight back. I felt safe for the first time in years.

Leaving is hard. It's the beginning of something new and I would always recommend it, but if you don't have support and you are broken, it is bloody difficult, bordering on impossible.