To anyone who left a partner because of domestic violence, or it hoping to take that step...

[MmeLindor.]

Please read this moving article by Patrick Stewart and know that you have done so much to protect your children and that no matter how hard it was/is on them right now, they will always always love you for getting out.

Warning, it may well make you cry.

Yes lazarusb I think you are probably right, I was conditioned to think that it was my fault and after growing up with a mother who also made me feel that way I suppose it was easy for my ex to pick up where she left off. I thought I was totally over my past when I became involved with him but I now know I wasn't, as you say, it feels like another life now, I feel like a completely different person to the one I used to be. This time I know I am over my past

woollyideas my ex feels no shame. I had a brief opportunity to speak to him about it a few months back, he said he took no responsibility, feels no shame and doesn't feel bad because he has nothing to feel bad about. I left it at that. That conversation helped me take another huge step forward though. I don't expect him ever to take responsibility, he has never once apologised to me for anything in the whole time I have known him. Deep down inside though, these men must know what they have done, surely?

I'm not sure they do, timeforme. I think my ex sees me as 'difficult' and himself as blameless. Last year he said to our DD (when I had put my foot down over something he wanted her to do) - 'perhaps now you can see what I had to put up with every day of our married life.' Apart from being a totally inappropriate way of dragging her into our conflict, DD ended up making the observation (without any prompting from me!) that he was being a knob because he couldn't get his own way!

My DD has never asked why I split up with her dad and I wouldn't volunteer the information, but if she ever asks me I will tell her the truth as unemotionally as possible. I don't want or expect her to take sides, but I will not hide the truth from her if she ever asks.

woollyideas I had great support and advice from my CAFCASS officer and she told me never to lie to DD, if she asked questions I had to tell her the truth, age appropriately of course. I haven't to lead her to believe that her father is something he isn't because one day she is going to find out for herself the kind of man he is and, according to the CAFCASS lady, if I have presented him to be anything other than the person he is it will cause her confusion. But I don't have to worry about any of that at the moment, DD at the age of 9 is very wise and has her dad sussed. And his mother, she handles the pair of them pretty well!

It's very interesting to hear how your abusers totally absolve themselves of responsiblity for their abusive behaviour and blame you for their actions. That's exactly the mindset of my mother. She literally cannot see what she has done wrong and blames me for our terrible relationship. I think these people do live in some sort of alternate reality and all the facts are twisted and turned and altered to fit their own perception of themselves.

They do not see reality as it actually is but through their own perception filter which alters everything so they are always the blameless victims and any bad things that happen are always somebody else's responsibility.

jasmine a lot of the time I used to think that my ex didn't see me as a person in my own right, he saw me as an extension of himself. He didn't like me having an opinion or a voice, he didn't see me as a woman with emotions and feelings that could be hurt. I felt like I was nothing in his eyes. It was as though he owned me. After I had left he went into shock, he couldn't believe I had left him, he accused me of losing my mind, he even asked me if I was going through the menopause, he blamed anything and everything other than himself. I asked him if he had thought I would tolerate his behaviour forever and he replied "yes, I thought you loved me". So that told me that he knew full well what he was doing, he just expected me to take it because I was with him, that no matter how badly he treated me he never believed I would leave and also that he felt entitled to treat me that way. He never ever told me he loved me but he had the arrogance to assume that I loved him and so would tolerate his abuse.

I didn't matter in that relationship, the only person that mattered was him. He turned on me after I left, using the courts to get to me, he set me up in order to take me to court, he was so angry that I had dared to leave him, he didn't acknowledge the abuse at all, he refused to see why I had left him. To this day he is the victim.

My ex never has and never will take responsibility. He used to smile while he was hitting me. He was never drunk when it happened. He told me he was doing it for my own good. He once admitted it made him feel good. Admitted is the wrong word actually. I think he felt proud of his behaviour.

Time - my ds knows some of what his dad did. No details, no sexual stuff but he knows it was abusive - he also has some vague recollections of us running away in the middle of the night. Unfortunately he has also witnessed his dad treating his wife in a similar way

I think my ex felt proud of his behaviour too lazarusb it was the smirk that gave it away. bastard

My DD remembers us leaving too. I had taken her to school as normal knowing that I would be collecting her at lunch time to take her to refuge. Her little face as she walked into the kitchen and saw our cases, I will never forget. In the mini bus that the refuge sent for us she sat across from he hugging her teddy, I didn't have a clue where we were going so I hadn't been able to tell her, only that we were going to stay in a flat until we got a house of our own. I am so grateful that she remembers our time in refuge as a happy time, she has never known it as anything other than 'our flat'. She has asked questions about things she saw and heard and I've answered her as honestly as I can but I've never had to say much because she seems to understand, she knows her dad was wrong, she is pleased we left and although she loves him she doesn't ever want us to go back to him. I'm so sorry that your DS continued to witness abuse even after you left. My ex hasn't met anyone else so I don't have that worry, hopefully I will never have to worry about it because I pity any woman who gets involved with him.

Timefor, I'm so glad you got out of that relationship. He would have completely destroyed you if you had stayed.

And laza, so glad you got out too.

From what you have said, my dad wasn't as abusive to my mother as your partners' were to you. Perhaps she didn't leave because things just weren't that bad for her, whereas the same degree of abuse directed at a child (me) would feel much worse to that child simply because the child is far less equipped to cope with abuse.

This might be a very interesting read www.mentaljourney.co.uk/?dm_i=674,O3B7,1YQK02,1YEEY,1

Also, £1 from every sale is to be donated to Women's Aid.

Timefor your DD sounds so perceptive. I love her child's logic that it simply made sense to get away from a bad person. You are both very special people and so lucky to have each other. You sound like you have an amazing bond that will keep you close forever. I know you won't, but don't take it for granted, it doesn't happen that way for all of us.

Thank you jasmine he almost did destroy me, by the time I left I was just a shell. He couldn't take any more from me because there was nothing left.

Maybe you are right about your mother, maybe things just weren't that bad for her that she felt the need to leave but still, it's hard to believe she witnessed the abuse of you and didn't step in or take action to stop it. My ex never directly abused my DD but that Christmas she pressed that £2 coin into my hand, that was enough for me to want to leave, I left for her, because I didn't want her witnessing such vile things, I realised that I could no longer hide things from her or protect her because he didn't care enough about her not to do it in front of her. Another thing that broke my heart was finding photo's she had taken on her DSi. She had taken photo's that night of me crying and him raging. I didn't find out until about a year after we left when she showed them to me. That was horrible.

Oh she is jasmine she is wonderful and so very wise and I do feel as though we have a special bond. I feel as though she totally understands why we had to leave and that she supports me fully. In reality it has been a rough couple of years what with moving into refuge then moving into a house with absolutely nothing, DD moving school, leaving behind her friends but never once has she complained. Not once. I love being her mum, I love every minute of it and I will never take her or her love and support for granted

I think I need to leave this thread. It's been very interesting and quite illuminating. Although I don't really feel that much further forward in understanding my mother's choices.

But it's also been very upsetting. I was never given the chance to blossom, live without fear, fulfil my potential. Instead I lost my childhood, witnessed and experienced some terrible things, and now I face a lifetime of trying to heal from the damage done in childhood. I have no contact with my parents or sisters. It might have been my choice, but I had no choice really if I wanted to stop being abused, dis respected, belittled, used hurt and rejected.

I have the greatest admiration for you all. You are the sort of people I wish my mother was. And your DC's are the luckiest children ever.

You do have the chance to blossom now though jasmine, you can live a wonderful happy life in spite of your childhood. You are a lovely person, you have done so well considering everything you went through, you deserve to be happy, please don't allow your past to spoil your future x

I hope that didn't come across as patronizing, I really don't mean it to be, I just hate the thought of you hurting and always looking for answers that you may never get. My heart goes out to you jasmine, I just wish you peace

No, not patronising Timefor. I am trying to live my life and appreciate what I have and let go of the past. But something always brings it back. You've been very kind and thoughtful, I appreciate it.

Yes, I understand . One day though something will bring it back and you will find it has less of an effect on you (fingers crossed anyway) It took me a long time to get over losing my mother, even though I didn't feel I had ever really had one, it hurt for a long time, I felt deserted. Not any more though, I feel whole and worthy of a good life, a happy life, she has no effect on me any more.

And you are welcome, you are deserving

jasmine - whatever you may feel, you come across as a very kind and intelligent woman. Your parents let you down and you are still suffering as a result. But you are also SO much more than that. It isn't the definition of 'you'.

Dont know if this is the right place to post this ,but just needed to dump out my day.Got letter this morning explaining no further investigation re dd and ds required following incident at the start of this month.I had no idea what it was talking about .Called office ,turns out STBXH 42 was arrested (dv with GF 22 )after diggin a bit found out the were still together after assault and he has bought her a kitten.I am not usually drawn into their world but was worried he would turn up at school drunk if relationship had broken down,headteacher would let him take kids and only give me a phonecall,bangs on a lot about fathers rights.We are 2 1/2 yrs seperated .He has been arrested for domestic abuse charges x2 in 6mths.I relish that we split .BUT the fact GF has stayed after the incident has saddened me I dont mean i am judging her,but it has made me reflect on all the times i made excuses for his behaviour and all the times i didnt leave ,just dont feel very good about myself.Just had to tell someone .Sad because I know now she has accepted the unnacceptable.I know its her life ,her choice,I dont know any details of their relationship and i dont want to know .I guess i would feel this way hearing this story about any young girl.Its textbook the abuse continues and the manipulation.Thanks for reading x

Patience thinking about the GF shows what a caring person you are but sweetie, you have had your fill of this man in your own right without taking on the worry of the GF's problems too. I can understand how you feel but you must try turn this around, think of the positives, see recent events as a kindly reminder of how good your life is now. Most of all, forgive yourself for having stayed with him, you didn't do anything wrong, you were just working out the right path to take, and take it you did

As for the GF, as you rightly say, she is a grown woman and is making a conscious choice to be with him, that is out of everyone's control except hers, by all means sympathise with what she is going through, hope that she is also working out the right path to take but please, do not take on the responsibility of worrying about her. You are free now, please do not stay trapped or tied to him by your thoughts. Train your brain to think nice things

Patience I know how you feel. My ex has abused his wife in the past (and probably now), my ds witnessed it. When I told her he'd done similar to me, she laughed and said I was making it up . You just can't make someone else's choice for them, no matter how much you want to.
How old are your dcs? Can you talk/ask them gently if they've seen anything. Just so they know they can always talk to you, that you are their safe haven. Don't feel responsible for your ex's behaviour, it isn't your fault.

Sorry didnt word it right ,couldnt give a flying fuck about GF as a person .More what she represents ,and watching the secretive cycle of abuse continue.
This is just about me feeling ashamed tbh .I knew he was a baddun and i stayed because I thought we were "in love" and i thought i could change him .
What a difference a few years makes I truly dont recognise myself these days.Self esteem has soared since we split .Completely skint ,but the world truly is my oyster.
Thanks Time for your reply x

And yep only let him in my head when things like letter today arrive .Dont happen very often but just consequences of being married to a prick.

Just took my back ,i was that 23yo,i accepted the dv ,i guess its just acknowledging the process & working thru things .