To anyone who left a partner because of domestic violence, or it hoping to take that step...

[MmeLindor.]

Please read this moving article by Patrick Stewart and know that you have done so much to protect your children and that no matter how hard it was/is on them right now, they will always always love you for getting out.

Warning, it may well make you cry.

Timeforme
What a lovely thread, so inspiring and positive.

Thank you MmLindor

Jasminerice It took me a long while to leave. I thought I was doing ok, I thought I was coping with the abuse, hiding it well, I thought I was doing DD a favour by being strong and tolerating everything. I also thought no one would understand or believe me. I mean, this man holds down a good job, appears respectable, everything on the outside looked lovely. I felt embarrassed, ashamed, lost, confused, you name it I felt it. I would have loved someone to recognise that all was not well and remove me from the situation. I just didn't know how to do it myself or if it was bad enough for me to leave. The day I contacted WA I really thought I was dying, I rang them because I needed them to save me. And save me they did. So, I can understand why some women find it difficult to leave, it is difficult taking that first step into the unknown, it's the most frightening thing I have ever done in my life but I knew I had to do it if I were to survive. I think the more we talk about it, the more awareness there is and the less alone women suffering abuse feel the more they will be encouraged to leave.

I seriously hope that all these people who are living in shit situations take some hope from this thread and stop throwing up excuses as to why they can't leave. If I read "what about my lovely home" once more ffs. "What about your children's mental health", should be the response, never mind bloody fixtures and fittings.

To you wonderful women who saw the light: Full Respect.

You know what makes me really really angry though Gay40, it makes me angry that it's always the woman and children that has to leave while the bastard perpetrator get's to stay in the home.

I was asked by WA to speak at the Town Hall recently about Domestic Violence, homelessness and the effects of it. In my case I not only lost my home but I also had to leave my almost 18 year old son because he was too old to come to refuge with me. Because the house was owned by my ex my son was made homeless. I love my son with all of my heart but this has caused great problems between us.

As I said at the Town Hall there needs to be more help for the woman to stay in the home, regardless of who owns it. There are cases of women leaving council properties where they are joint tenants, going into refuge while the perp sits happily in the home and that is wrong. There needs to be big changes in favour of the victim of abuse.

Time we have spoken a fair bit and you know I think you are amazing (well you should do!) I had no idea about your son. Hugs.

PS I know there are occupation orders which help a woman get back in the house but by then she has already had to leave with the children. I think it should be the perp who is removed and he should be the one who has to enlist a solicitor to help him get back in the home. During that process, with a bit of luck the abuse would come to light and be proven so he would be refused access and be forced to find alternative accommodation.

Apologies for rushed, not so well thought out post, school run calling!

That is a good point. And it takes a lot of guts to walk away from a home - luxurious or not and face possible homelessness.

Stay thank you X

I totally agree. However, how can your children's physical safety be less important than the new sofa???

Refuge was a luxury compared to the house I was given MmeLindor, I spoke at the Town Hall about that too!!

So much to say and so little time

" (I hadn't loaded the dishwasher to his satisfaction), "
yep i know that one!
it wasnt always a rage tho - sometimes it would be a call for me from other end of flat, eg i woudl be reading dc a story - would get my name called desperately urgently and go thinking something urgent - to just be berated for loading the dishwasher wrong... small things constantly added up together

Oh yes, the "Come and look at this..." and have something pointed out to you, like a naughty child. I did nothing right in that relationship, everything I did was wrong, I don't know how the heck I manage to raise DD and run a home all by myself

Stayfornoone, I DO look down on and despise women who stay with an abusive partner. Yes, it must be incredibly hard to leave. But to stay means knowingly allowing your children to be terribly harmed and I find that unforgivable and incomprehensible. I feel this way because of my own experience as a child. I will never recover fully from the damage done to me because my mother was too scared to leave. It will leave a permanent scar on me. I will NEVER forgive my mother for her cowardice. I have cut all ties with her (and my dad) and intend never to see them ever again.

Jasmine
I admit that before I read MN, I thought that but since reading about the reality of life with an abusive partner, I have come to change my mind.

When you read that Patrick Stewart's mother asked for help and was denied it, you see that it was (back then anyway) very difficult for women to get out. It has not been that long, I think the 70s, since women were awarded child benefit rather than it going to the men, which made them financially dependent on their abusive partners.

Added to that is that the abuse is insidious. In the beginning, it is over-protectiveness or "jealousy" and some women are flattered by that. Then the behaviour becomes more and more controlling and abusive until it inevitably turns violent. By this time the woman often is cowed and lacking in self-confidence, because she was constantly told that she was useless.

I think that DV education should actually be part of Sex Ed in schools, so that young girls are taught to recognise the red flags.

I understand though, that you see it from a different POV because of your personal experience, and the knowledge that not only your father failed you, but your mother too.

Yes, I can understand your POV too Jasmine. I'm pleased that my daughter won't grow up feeling I failed her.

To be honest, I don't really understand those women who stay, prioritising material things over both their own and their child's safety and emotional well being. I lived in a fancy house with all the mod con's but they meant nothing to me, I got no pleasure from them, I got no pleasure from life, I lived in a depression, I didn't realise until after I left that I hadn't even got the pleasure from being a mother. I was just going through the motions.

I stayed as long as I did purely because I didn't know how to get out. I didn't know what was available to me or what help was out there. I thought I was on my own. I wasn't even aware as to the full extent of help a person can get from WA until after I left i.e floating support. That would have been of great help to me at the time.

There is also the fact I wasn't aware I was being abused. I know I didn't feel right, I knew something wasn't right with me but I was constantly being told I was mental, that I wasn't stable. Then you see this man being nice to other people, they manage to get on with him ok so you again think the problem is with yourself so you look for ways to make it right, to make him happy because if you can manage to please him he might not lose his temper or raise his hand to you. I didn't stay intentionally, I didn't stay because I didn't want to leave, I just needed help.

I totally agree with you MmeLindor, awareness should be raised in schools, it should be a part of education, not just for girls though but boys too, it won't hurt for both sexes to be aware of the damage domestic abuse causes.

I wrote a post on my blog a while ago about the red flags that indicate that a man could have an abusive personality. Sadly, when my blog crashed at the end of last year, I lost that and other posts. I will have another bash at it next week though.

Absolutely agree that this should be taught to both sexes in school. Aside from anything else, there are abusive personalities in all walks of life and it is good to be able to recognise them - even as friends

I was one of those who left a few times and went back. I feel ashamed of it. I had nowhere else to go and I always let myself be talked into believing he would change or he'd only been like that because of me. My fault.
I even had a solicitor tell me that I should go back and - not provoke him - but allow him to assault me to a degree where I would need hospital treatment. Then the Police would get him out of the flat we owned jointly. That was 1995. I am hopeful things have changed a bit since then but maybe not...
I never went back. For two reasons - he hit our ds, hard, round the head, because he'd spilt his drink at the dinner table. I'd also met my now dh by then. He didn't know my ex but could see that I was broken and desperate. He offered me unconditional support. I took ds, who was 5 at the time, a couple of bin bags of clothes etc and walked away. It was the scariest but happiest thing I have ever done.

Lady Bla Blah - I understand what you mean. For me, by the time the rape (find it hard to type that) started, I was so emotionally numb I didn't care anymore. There was nothing more that he could do to hurt me.

Yes, I agree with you re the violence Lady although I recovered from the violence a lot easier and more quickly than I did the rest of the abuse. The emotional stuff goes deep. I was raped too, I woke to find him having sex with me on a number of occasions but it wasn't until I was in refuge and undergoing counselling that I realised it was rape, and even then it was only because the counsellor told me it was. It sounds so stupid doesn't it? I fond it so hard now to think about the relationship without feeling angry at myself for not knowing what was happening to me, for not realising and leaving sooner. If I had known before hand what I knew after leaving I wouldn't even have got involved with him.

Help, support and advice seems to be available after the fact, when the damage has already been done but there is very little, if anything, done to prevent it in the first place. I was contacted last December and asked if I would take part in an interview with local media and the police to raise awareness as Christmas see's a rise in DV. That's great, of course it is but DV occurs all year round, it just gets worse at times like Christmas so we should be campaigning all year round. DV needs to be in the spotlight constantly, it needs to be highlighted and the message put out there that it unacceptable. Awareness also needs to be raised of the invisible side of DV, there isn't always physical evidence in the form of a black eye or a cut lip, domestic abuse takes many forms all of them unacceptable and all of them requiring as much help, support and understanding.

Hi Time,if you have a moment to read my post on your other tread on going to a refugee that you linked.
Thank you.

lazarusb that is terrible, I am so sorry you had to go through that. My solicitor was amazing and supported me every step of the way. I don't think he would have let me go back even if I had wanted to

How I agree with you *MmeLindor^, that there are abusive personalities even amongst friends. A healthy self esteem along with knowledge goes a long way in protecting a person against such people. My self esteem is high enough now that I have no problem in walking away from the toxic people in my life.

I will go read your post now B1984

Mme Lindor, I understand that it would have been even harder to leave in the 70's than it is now, and it was during the 70's and 80's that I experienced the abuse. But just because something is hard doesn't mean you don't do it. And especially when your child is being abused. Hard is not the same as impossible. As a mother you find a way. Otherwise, in my book, you do not deserve the role or title of mother and you certainly do not deserve your children if you cannot carry out your fundamental duty of protecting them from harm.

And I have friends who grew up during the 70's and 80's also with abusive fathers but their mothers found the strength and courage to leave. So it can be done. My mother was a weak, selfish, pathetic coward and I have no respect for her or anyone just like her. NO excuse is good enough to stay.

Its the boiling frog syndrome...it creeps up so slowly and before you know it you're exhausted and there seem to be so little option other than to believe the lie after lie that they're sorry and won't ever do it again.

I did leave and will never go back and can't even imagine being in another relationship, but it took a long time before I realised that there was no other way (as in trying to be better was never going to be good enough) and then a long time to plan our escape too... was dealing with a total psycho..

Things like being raped, it didn't even dawn on me that was what he used to do until 6 months after I left. It sounds ridiculous but alot of it you end up blanking out as just getting through the day ok uses up so much energy.

Through the court stuff all I kept hearing from his side was that if it was that bad I would have left before... :(

baby, but you did actually leave. My mother didn't. That's the big difference between you and her.